


Code: RESTRICTED [SPACE]

by OfficiallyWrong



Series: Code: RESTRICTED [2]
Category: Codename: Kids Next Door
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Deconstruction, Drama, Fantasy, Friendship/Love, Future Fic, Gen, Post-Canon, Science Fiction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-10
Updated: 2020-09-07
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:34:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 118,616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24652408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OfficiallyWrong/pseuds/OfficiallyWrong
Summary: After escaping a quarantined Earth with her newly reunited friends, Abigail Lincoln continues her journey to the G:KND headquarters in hopes of contacting the final member of her team. With nothing but a broken recommissioning module, some nostalgic weaponry and a stolen children's vessel for aid, she must lead her team through the unknown territory of outer space. But as demons from the past continue to harass the heroes, rising tensions and kept secrets threaten to sever the bonds Abby desperately wishes to heal. (Part 2 of 3).
Series: Code: RESTRICTED [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1614874
Comments: 7
Kudos: 9





	1. R.O.G.U.E.

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING
> 
> Attention all Kids Next Door operatives. The information contained in this file has been labeled confidential. Viewing, tampering with, or sharing of this file is strictly prohibited. Any operative caught doing so will be subject to immediate decommissioning.
> 
> To younger operatives or operatives with  
> with weak constitutions; This classified information  
> foreshadows the horrors of Adulthood including drugs,  
> sex, swearing, and abuse.
> 
> You have been warned.
> 
> ...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Having broken out of quarantine, the team goes to the old Moon Base to access a portal to the center of the Universe. But an unwelcome encounter threatens the mission.

Accessing...

...  
...  
...

KIDS NEXT DOOR CODE MODULE  
File 2237811  
[RESTRICTED]

Now Loading...

Code: [RESTRICTED] 

Operation: R.O.G.U.E. 

Rebellious  
Operatives  
Get  
Unwelcome  
Encounter

Created by OfficiallyWrong with properties owned by Tom Warburton  
and Cartoon Network

Episode 7

INCOMING TRANSMISSION...

Source: Unknown 

April 1st, 2015

Location: Earth 

It was time. At long last, everything was starting to come together the way he had always dreamed. This was his chance to save the world. It was suffering, like a wounded animal on the side of the road. And the people refused to do anything to help it. People out of jobs, people struggling with psychosis, people afraid their basic freedoms would be taken. He had accumulated wealth and fame, like his father before him. He had made something out of nothing, reaped the land for its fruit, and earned every bit of respect that he had gained through this hard work. No one gave him anything. No one held his hand through life. Everything he was, everything he did, he did through his own blood and sweat. He wanted this dream for the rest of the world, for them to understand how things should be. 

But the people didn’t understand. That wasn’t his fault. It was theirs. Leeches who wanted to live without pay or work, insects which infiltrated his perfect world. They forced people out of their jobs and into homes, crying to be fed and sheltered. “They’re fragile” the people said. “They are weak and must be protected.” But he knew better. The weeds which grew in his garden, the vines which sucked the life from the soil, they would not stop until everything he had built was destroyed. 

Children. 

Drooling, self-absorbed, shit-loving, whining, no respect for authority; Children were the bane of existence. And what was worse, there was no way to get rid of them, no way to use them or make them productive. They refused their education, wanting to instead play games and eat candy. They rebelled against their parents. They cried for “rights” but did nothing to deserve them. And this cycle was unbreakable. For without kids, there would be no Adults. Without Adults, there would be no society. 

That is, until two days prior when a miracle took place. The very thing that had prevented them from moving forward as a society was eradicated. At one fell swoop, the Kids Next Door, his mortal enemy, vanished. And what was most surprising was that he owed this victory to the last person he had ever expected: Nigel Uno. 

Ben grinned as he gazed over his spoils. That stupid little brat of his older brother, the brother that no matter what he did was always loved more by their father than he ever would be, had saved their planet from the nuisance of children. He didn’t intend to, of course, it was just a consequence of his decision to expel the Earth sector of the Kids Next Door. An aging virus. What a stupid idea. Only a child would believe in such things. He drummed his fingers over his office chair, thinking. Childhood was nothing but an illusion. Parents were an illusion. The idea that someone could love you just because you share their blood was ludicrous. The idea that people should love you was false ideology. In real life, the only thing people cared about were results, and they blamed bad parenting on their lack of happiness. Yet parents still clung to their children, afraid of letting go of their chains, their security blanket, the thing they felt gave them “purpose.” Fools. 

Purpose was the greatest illusion of all. 

He had found a way to eliminate the threat of childhood altogether, produce workers without fear of lack of education or without equal rights. Poverty would end. People would be united under one single goal. There would be no wars under him. People did not need families to love them. They could have his love. He would be the father of this new world. 

Benedict Uno. A Father to the people. Raising them as his children the way children were supposed to be. No more flawed logic, no more excuses for poor work ethics. An ideal world full of equal opportunity. That was the freedom Benedict Uno believed in. 

The door to his office creaked open as someone stepped inside. “You wanted to see me, Sir?”

The world’s new Father did not turn his chair. “Yes. Come in.” He lit a pipe, which he had been keeping in his suit jacket pocket. “I am in need of your assistance.” The figure obeyed their leader’s command. “The Teens Next Door. You’ve heard of them?” 

“Only rumors, Sir.” 

“It seems that in light of recent events, more members have been coming out. There have been reports of guerrilla attacks from around the globe, all from what I assume to be a Teenage rebel alliance.” He puffed his pipe. “No doubt they will attempt an evacuation. In fact, I believe they’ve already begun.” 

The figure nodded. “I’ll ready the troops.” 

“No, let them leave.” 

“Sir?” 

There was a long silence as Father puffed smoke circles into the air. “Once they’ve set up their base we’ll launch a full-on attack and eradicate them all in one go.” 

“Yes, Sir.” 

“One more thing.” He couldn’t hide his smirk. “Abigail Lincoln is one of them.” The room went dead. “Will that be an issue?” 

More silence. Then, “No, Sir. No issue.” 

“Very good. You are dismissed.” 

“Thank you, Sir.” 

The door closed, the soldier leaving the room. Abigail Lincoln. It had been a very long time since he had heard that name. Abigail Lincoln had escaped Earth, infiltrated his house and after defeating his Delightful Children in battle, and stolen one of their ships. The three other members of Sector V were also reported missing. Father beamed. There was something else missing from his mansion: A tiny, wooden, jack-in-the-box-like toy. 

So that’s your plan, is it? 

He was keen to know how this story would pan out. If she failed, there would be nothing to fear. If she succeeded, all the better for him. In the end, it was clear that he had the upper hand no matter what the outcome. 

But what will you do when you find him? 

He jeered. 

If you find him. 

Location: Outside Earth’s Atmosphere

“So, in the end, everyone’s just a slave livin’ in little plastic houses while the big companies rake in the dough.” Wally explained. 

Kuki nodded. “I see, I see.” 

Hoagie was puzzled. “Isn’t making money like...necessary?”

“That’s what the capitalists want you to think!” Wally said. “It’s all a big conspiracy to get you to think that life’s about working for companies and payin for shit.” Kuki nodded at her boyfriend’s response. “And the first thing they do is take away your food, so you gotta buy that. They hire police to enforce laws that prevent you from gettin’ the food any other way than working for money. Then they take your healthcare, and make you pay for livin’ on property! And that’s how they get ya!” 

“Yep!” Kuki agreed. “Rich people are sneaky.” 

“You’re rich, Kuki,” Hoagie reminded her. 

She gasped in offense. 

“Anyway. I think it’s a lot more complicated than primitive accumulation and means of production.” 

Wally frowned. “I dunno what that means.” 

“I mean Marx isn’t the god of politics.” 

“Who the fuck is Mark? What are you even talking about?” 

“Not Mark. Marx. Karl Marx...” 

“What does he gotta do with anything?” 

“Oh my god.” 

“Alright, take a recess,” Abby called from the pilot’s chair. “We’re here.” She gazed out the window at a large grey mass, craters punched into the sides. 

The teens widened their eyes in amazement as they pulled closer. A glowing orange tree, which resembled more of an alga one would find growing at the bottom of the ocean, housed a massive complex even bigger than the one they had seen on Earth. Either the moon was much smaller than they had thought, or the tree was so large it completely engulfed it. 

“Is that it?” Kuki asked. “Is that where Nigel Uno is?” 

Abby chuckled. “No. That’s the Moon Base.” 

Hoagie tilted his head, his mind burning with questions. “H-How-” 

“How did they manage to keep it a secret from the Adults?” She interrupted. He nodded. “Faked the moon landing.” 

Hoagie smirked to himself, having trouble buying it. “Of course they did.”

Wally’s eyes turned into saucers. “Whoa. That’s Illuminati-level shit.” 

“So, if Nigel Uno isn’t there,” Kuki asked, fidgeting with her sweater. “Where exactly are we going?” 

“The center of the Universe,” Abby said, nonchalantly.

Hoagie leaned on his arm rest. “You mean because the Galactic Kids Next Door have so much power it’s like they’re the center of the Universe?” 

“No,” Abby said. “I mean the literal center of the Universe.” 

“But that’s so far away!” Kuki exclaimed. 

Hoagie shook his head, trying to stop himself from laughing. “You can’t be serious.” 

Abby shrugged. “That’s where Nigel is, so that’s where we’re goin’.” 

But Hoagie crossed his arms. “There is no center of the Universe, Abigail. The Universe is constantly expanding. It’s basic scientific fact.” 

Abby stood up, turning towards him. “Yeah. It expands in all directions,” she said, demonstrating with her arms. “But the center’s still the center. That’s where the G:KND’s primary base of operation is.” 

Hoagie stood up after her. “That doesn’t make any sense! That would have to mean...no! What?!” 

“You gotta stop over-thinkin’ this.” Abby sighed. “If you’re gonna survive out here, you gotta throw away everything you thought you knew. We ain’t in Adult territory no more.” She smiled facetiously. “So, take all that logic and reason and throw it out the window, cause it ain’t gonna do you no good where we’re goin’.” She lightly patted his cheek twice before going back to her seat. 

Hoagie sat in his own, disgruntled. 

Kuki giggled. “I love it when she gets sassy.” 

Abby pulled closer to the Moon Base, arriving at one of the landing docks. “Since the Earth branch of the KND’s been disbanded,” she explained. “We’re gonna have to activate the S.L.I.N.G.S.H.O.T. from inside.” 

Hoagie swallowed. “S-Slingshot?” 

Kids Next Door: S.L.I.N.G.S.H.O.T. 

Sooper  
Lickity-split  
Intergalactic  
Network  
Gateway  
Shoot  
Headed-to  
Other  
Territories

Wally furrowed his brow. “Does everythin’ in this bloody organization have a codename?” 

“Wow! What’s our operation’s codename?” Kuki’s question was promptly ignored. 

“We’re going to shoot ourselves into the center of the Universe using a giant slingshot,” Hoagie said incredulously. “And that won’t, I don’t know, disrupt our bone structure or expose us to extreme amounts of pressure that would cause this entire ship to implode?” 

Abby’s eyes rolled up into her head. “What did I just say?” 

He grunted. “I reserve the right to remain skeptical about anything you say.” 

“Operation: Save Planet Earth! Oh, but that probably wouldn’t make a good acronym, huh?” Kuki thought out loud. “Operation: Uno! No. Operation: Stop G:KND...hmm.” 

“And you’re sure this is the best way to get to Uno?” Wally asked. 

“It’s the only way,” Abby stated, preparing the ship for landing. “Unless you wanna fly 4.3 Kajillion lightyears to get there.” 

Hoagie glared at her. “Kajillion.” 

“I know what I said,” she quipped back. 

Through perhaps sheer luck, Abby had no trouble making it onto a landing bay, which was surprisingly left wide open. It made the others uncomfortable, but she surmised that the G:KND must have evacuated the operatives from the Base after they were decommissioned. The Base itself was dark now, eerily sitting in the reaches of space with only the illumination of the tree to guide the ship into port. She managed to steer the ship into the landing bay and rested it on the ground, despite it being much larger than most of the other ships which were left there, abandoned by their owners. 

Abby sat up, making her way to the door. “Wait here.” She hovered her hand over the red button which opened the latch. 

“Abby, wait! Don’t open that!” 

“We don’t have space suits!” 

“You’re gonna get sucked into the vacuum!” 

As her team wailed, Abby rolled her eyes and pressed the button, waiting for them to stop screaming as the door rose. They touched their faces, seeing if they were still alive. 

“Seriously. Y’all need to calm down,” she told them. 

The three were shocked. They rose from their cowering positions. “I can breathe...” Wally said. 

Abby flashed a grin in their direction. “Of course. How do you think we prevented Adults from space travel all these years?” 

Hoagie, perhaps the most dumbfounded of them all, tried to close his mouth. “I give up,” he whispered. 

Wally leaned into the others. “Plot twist. We’ve been dead this whole time.” 

Hoagie’s nose scrunched. “I wouldn’t even be surprised at this point.” 

“Sit tight,” Abby said as she grabbed the nearest weapon she could find, which happened to be Wally’s G.U.M.Z.O.O.K.A. “Abby’ll be right back.” 

“Hey!” he protested. “Where are you going?” 

“Somebody’s gotta activate the portal,” she explained to him. “Don’t worry. It won’t take long.” 

But Wally wasn’t happy. “I ain’t so sure that’s a good idea.” 

“Yeah!” Kuki agreed. “We don’t want you to go in there alone!” She felt her body shiver as she looked into the dark landing bay, which reflected the eerie orange light from the tree. “It’s dark and creepy in there.” 

“Abby’ll be fine,” she assured her. “I’ve been here hundreds of times.” 

Hoagie frowned. “That’s what you said last time.” 

“That was different,” Abby insisted. “This place is completely uninhabited.” 

Kuki’s body continued to shake. “B-But what if someone is in there! Or something!” She gasped, clinging to Wally. “The handsome sexually active couple is always the first to get murdered!” She grabbed his shoulders, shaking him back and forth. “Wally! What do we do?!” 

“Huh? Why me?!!” 

Hoagie lifted an eyebrow. “No. The person to go off alone is the first.” He looked at Abby, who wasn’t amused. 

“And there’s no pure white girl to be the lone survivor!” Kuki squealed. “We’d all perish!” Kuki cried. 

Abby shook her head. “Y’all are bein’ ridiculous.” 

Hoagie shrugged. “You were the one who said to throw logic and reason out the window.” 

“That’s not what I meant.” There was a long pause as Kuki looked at her with a quivering lip and tearful eyes. “Fine.” She jumped to the side of the ship, scaling down the long ladder bolted into the side. “But I don’t wanna hear no complainin’ outta any of you.” 

Kuki clung to her boyfriend, looking around. They walked through the dark hallway, Hoagie holding the flashlight from the cave. It was a good thing it still worked, even out in space. The shadows towered the walls like phantoms. Everything looked like a monster to Kuki. How was she going to know if a real monster showed up? She had no real reason to suspect that one would, but something was putting her on edge. Something that couldn’t be explained.

“Stay close,” Abby said. “Don’t none of you dare run off by yo’selves.” 

“Wouldn’t dream of it.” Wally scowled, his gate starting to slow. “Fuck.” 

“What?” Kuki asked as she matched his pace. 

“I gotta pee super bad.” 

“Why didn’t you go before we left?” 

“Oh yeah. Like I can just control when I gotta take a piss,” he bit back at her. 

“You could have at least tried.” 

“What are you, my Mum?” 

A shadow moved over the group, causing Kuki and Wally to freeze in place. “A-A-Abby-” Kuki stammered. 

Abby didn’t seem alarmed. “Keep movin’.” 

They did as they were told, no one saying anything for a long time. Kuki had questions about this place: what it was for, who worked here. However, she was too frightened to speak at that point. Surprisingly, it ended up being Hoagie who stopped the movement forward. His eyes gravitated towards something glowing in the corner of the hallway. He moved towards it, his curiosity getting the better of him. 

“Hey guys, look at this.” 

Wally and Kuki crowded around him as Abby stood off to the side. “What is it?” 

Hoagie pushed up his glasses, kneeling down towards the object of inquiry. “Some kind of weird space fungi, maybe?” 

The fungus-like plant appeared along the side of the hallway, radiating a neon-green glow. It bulged out in certain places, a thick bumpy surface that seemed to have very little stem. Their interest was quickly interrupted. 

“Get away from there!” Abby shouted. She snatched Hoagie’s hand before he could do anything. “Don’t touch it.” 

Hoagie looked at her flatly. “I wasn’t planning to.” 

“This is bad,” she whispered. Suddenly, the fungi started to sprout more heads, almost popping out of the floor like gophers. The group backed away slightly, startled by the rapid growth. Abby yanked Hoagie to his feet, dragging him away from the mysterious foliage, praying the others would follow. “C’mon quit foolin’ around...” she said, as to not cause alarm. 

Wally squirmed back and forth. He started to unzip his pants, but Kuki smacked him in the arm and dragged him away to catch up to the others. “Kuki! There’s no ghost!” 

“You don’t know that!” Kuki insisted. “And you shouldn’t pee in public.” 

Wally rolled his eyes. “C’mon. Who’s gonna see?” 

“Uh, me. I will see. And it’s disgusting.” 

“Ugh.” Wally stopped resisting and walked with his girlfriend. “But I gotta go super bad. Can’t you just turn around?” 

But Kuki was resilient. Another shadow passed over them as they entered the next room. Kuki stopped. “Abby! We should definitely go back. Wally really has to pee, and I think there’s somebody--” 

“Shh!” Abby stopped moving as well, looking around. She waited there in the silence. Whoosh! Another shadow fell over them before disappearing into the darkness. “Follow me.” She made her way around the corner where an open door led down to a narrower hallway. That hallway led to another door, which was cracked only a little. Her ears perked. She moved Hoagie’s hand downward so that the light pointed toward her feet. 

“What are you-” 

“Shh!” 

Suddenly, she could hear a squeaking sound coming from the other side of the door. 

“It’s bloody mice-” 

“Fool be quiet!” Abby snapped back at Wally who was starting to speak. “Nobody say anything.” She reached over to the switch on Hoagie’s flashlight and turned it off. Kuki started to scream, but Wally slammed his hand over her mouth. The squealing suddenly got louder, more frantic. “Gotcha!” Abby’s triumphant voice echoed through the corridor. “Turn the light on.” 

The flashlight flipped on. There, in her hands, desperately trying to escape her grasp, was a small, grey hamster. Kuki sighed with relief, but the boys were more confused than ever. Abby took the hamster in her hands, hushing it and stroking its head. 

“Shh, hey. It’s okay. We’re friends.” She nuzzled the creature up to her face. “We ain’t gonna harm ya. promise.” 

“Don’t do that,” Wally squirmed, watching Abby play with the creature. “It’s probably got rabies or worms or the mumps or some shit.”

The hamster stopped trying to escape and snuggled up to Abby. Once it did, she opened her grip slightly and let it look at her. “Nah. These little guys are the KND’s power supply. Without them, we wouldn’t be able to run our systems. Ain’t that right, little Baby?” She set the hamster down.

“Aww!” Kuki squealed. “It’s so cute!” 

“Go tell your friends to turn on the power for us, please? It’s urgent Kids Next Door business.” 

“Uh, Abigail...” Hoagie said. “I don’t think the hamster can understand you.” 

Abby stood up and crossed her arms, giving him a snide look. She loved proving him wrong. Sure enough the lights started to flicker on, the door sliding open as the hamster ran back around Abby’s feet. The others looked on in amazement as hundreds of hamsters in hamster wheels ran all around the room. About 20 or so were still on the ground, hanging out in tiny groups. 

Abby beamed. “You were saying?” 

Kuki squealed, running up to them. “So you were my ghosts all along!” she beamed. “I was worried for a second there.” 

“Hamster slave labor,” Wally chuckled. “Fuck me with a rake.” 

“It ain’t slave labor,” Abby corrected. “They take shifts. Plus, they get an all-expense paid vacation once a year and predator protection.” 

“This is how you generate all of your electricity?” Hoagie asked, still amazed that he could still be amazed. He looked over at Kuki, who was picking up hamsters left and right. 

“I’m going to name you Scruffy,” she said to one. She picked up another. “And I’ll name you Fluffikins, and you Sir. Glompity Glomp Glomperson III.” 

Hoagie held his hand down, letting one of the hamsters crawl up. His hand was so big that it could sit comfortably without him having to hold it. The other hamsters soon caught on, starting to crawl up his arm and around his shoulders. One even got onto his hat. “Whoa! Whoa!” 

Abby chuckled. “They like you.” 

Hoagie was stiff. “They’re trained, right?” Her lifted eyebrow was enough to answer his question. “Okay.” He chortled as they moved around his body. He tripped on his back foot, crashing butt-first into the ground. The hamsters didn’t seem phased by this and more started running onto his legs. “Okay...” he couldn’t stop laughing as they scuttled all over him. “Okay! that’s enough! Haha!”

“Aww! No fair!” Kuki pouted. “Hamsters! Tackle me too!” She plopped onto her back. 

Wally scowled, still needing to use the bathroom. One hamster walked up to him, catching his eye. “Touch me and I’ll piss on you,” he spat. The hamster backed away intimidated before scurrying off. He watched as the others played with the rodents, feeling the minutes tick by. Abby was the only one who didn’t seem to be playing. She held one hamster in her palm, talking to it as though it were a real person. Wally was beginning to think he had taken some bad shrooms and this was all some long elaborate trip he would hopefully wake up from. Hamsters, he thought with disgust. What was next, unicorns? 

“It’s only temporary,” Abby spoke to the hamster in her hand. “My team and I are gonna get the kids back. So y’all just lay low until we do.” If a hamster could look melancholic, it would in that moment. “Abby needs some of you to come to the control center, so we can activate the S.L.I.N.G.S.H.O.T.” Suddenly, the hamsters froze. They hid themselves all over Hoagie and Kuki, peaking behind in fear. Abby’s brows raised. This wasn’t a good sign. 

“What now?” Wally groaned. 

The hamster on Abby’s hand looked at its quivering friends before jumping down to the ground. Abby followed it to a wheel in the back of the room. The hamsters departed from Hoagie and Kuki, huddling as far away from the door as possible. The hamster got into the wheel and started to run. A small red light at the top of the door flashed on. Abby swallowed, pressing the button to open the door. It slid open without any effort, a neon green light flashing over the teens’ faces. The hallway was littered with the same tiny green fungi that Hoagie had seen earlier. It was pulsing, like nuclear waste. Abby felt her knees start to go weak. 

“It’s kinda pretty,” Kuki commented, trying to lighten the mood. 

Abby wasn’t in the spirit to be cheered up. She slammed the button to shut the door, catching her breath. She looked back at the hamster. “Where did it come from?” But the hamster did not seem to know. “We’ll find another way,” she said. 

“I don’t see what the big deal is,” Wally said. 

“You wanna die, you go right ahead and walk through that field’a fuckery,” Abby spat. “Abby’s goin’ this way.” The hamster ran up to her leg, tugging on it as though to tell her not to but she smiled and set him down. “Thanks for all yo’ help.” She walked out the other door waving goodbye to her tiny rodent friends. 

“Aww,” Hoagie frowned. “I wanted to play with the hamsters some more.” Even though he said this under his breath, it earned him a long hard stare from Wally. “What? They’re adorable.” 

“No,” Wally stated. “They’re rats.” 

“Shh!” Kuki put a finger to her lips. “Wally! Be nice!” 

Abby poked her head back in. “Y’all comin’ or shall I pick you up when you’re done with your play date.” 

Kuki and Hoagie perked up, stating they would stay there if she wanted to do the rest of the mission alone, but Wally pushed them both out insisting the sooner they got this over with the better. Kuki and Hoagie sighed and bade farewell to the hamsters, commenting on how they would like to have a pet hamster one day. 

Abby took them the opposite direction, trying to find a new entrance to the control center. Wally’s need to pee was getting worse, so he made a point to mention it every few minutes just to affectionately piss off Kuki. Abby herself had gotten quiet, more quiet than usual. 

“So...if the electricity runs on hamster power,” Hoagie thought aloud. “And all the hamsters are too afraid to get near it, how are we going to turn on the space rubber band?” 

“You can spin a wheel with your hand, can’t you?” came her blunt response. 

Hoagie looked sheepish for asking. 

It wasn’t long before they reached another dead end, though, with more sprouts leading up the stairs into a darkened hallway. Kuki was starting to get nervous again. She grabbed Wally’s arm. 

“I don’t think you’re gonna get around it-” Hoagie started. 

“I can see that!” Abby snapped back, then immediately sighed. “Sorry, you’re right. Why don’t you wait here and Abby’ll-” 

“No way!” Kuki shouted. “No splitting up!” 

“Alright,” She said as she pressed forward. “It’s yo’ funeral.” She took out her weapon, firing four times into her hand. She held the gum balls out to her teammates. “Chew on these. It’ll help you stay alert.” 

“What exactly is it that makes these things so dangerous?” Hoagie asked, stuffing the white ball in his mouth. Wally and Kuki did the same. 

“Let’s hope you never have to find out,” Abby said before crushing the ball in her teeth. 

They pressed onward, with Abby leading the way. Her body was starting to lose energy. Wally as the next to start to feel faint, followed by Kuki. 

“Abby...” Kuki panted. “Maybe we should take a rest? Just for a second.” 

But Abby shook her head. “The longer we stay in their range, the more the toxins will affect us. We gotta keep movin’.” 

Wally wiped the sweat from his brow. “We’re always moving.” 

Hoagie checked in with his own body. He didn’t seem to be feeling any of the side effects that the others seemed to have, but it could have just been a delayed reaction. He didn’t want to take any chances. As the pathway grew steeper and steeper, the team’s energy levels grew lower and lower. 

“Fuck...” Wally heaved. “What is this stuff?” Wally was now carrying Kuki, who looked as though she was about to pass out. He looked over at Hoagie, who hadn’t really broken much of a sweat beyond what was normal for that kind of activity. “Ain’t you tired or nothin?” 

“Not really.” 

Wally growled. “Lucky.” 

Hoagie ran up to Abby, who was moving at a pretty good pace despite the fact that she looked like death. “Abigail?” No response. “Abigail. I think you need to stop.” 

“You stop here, you’re screwed,” she replied. 

“I can activate the S.L.I.N.G.S.H.O.T.-” 

“Like hell you can.” 

“I’m serious,” Hoagie protested. “I feel fine. Let me help you.” 

Abby sighed. “Look. I appreciate y’all gettin’ me outta that jam with the Delightful Children, okay? But you know jack shit about this world. Yo’ science ain’t gonna--” She stopped for a moment, a nausea beginning to overwhelm her. Whatever it was, though, she swallowed it. “Just let me handle it.” She popped another piece of gum in her mouth and kept moving. 

At long last, they arrived at a door. This door didn’t go to the room where the S.L.I.N.G.S.H.O.T. was, but Abby reassured them that they were going the right direction. She explained that during her year as the Soopreme Leader she spent a lot of time moving back and forth between those halls. So much so, that they were almost as familiar to her as the Sector V Treehouse. They spun a couple of the wheels around the outside, trying out each one until finally Wally got fed up and blasted the door open. He started shooting at the green fungi as well, but Abby stopped him, explaining that it wouldn’t do any good. There was only one thing that could defeat that green nightmare and it wasn’t fire. 

They entered the hall, each of them freezing as soon as they saw what was before them. The amount of fungi had decreased, leaving only a few scattered across the floor and on the ceiling. However, splattered in green goop over the walls was a series of letters. While at first unidentifiable, when the team crossed the hall and looked at them from the other side, they were unmistakable. 

T E E N Z

A flash of emotions ran though everyone’s mind at the same time. Fuck. They found us. We’re dead. But Abby, having just gotten a new burst of energy from the gum she was chewing, was calm. Perhaps Father’s connections extended beyond the planet’s atmosphere and those Teenz were the ones who had trashed their beloved Moon Base with this awful contamination. Her efforts to calm down the team were not met positively, however. Kuki awoke to the sound of Wally poking and prodding her. When she saw the wall, she screamed. Hoagie appeared to be on the verge of yet another panic attack. Having just discovered what was at stake for him personally, she knew that his paralysis wasn’t going to do anything to help her mission. 

Last time, they were lucky. Now, they were at even more of a disadvantage. 

“Alright,” she said. “Nobody panic.” 

“I’m panicking!” Kuki shouted. “I’m panicking real bad!” 

“Wha- I said don’t panic!” 

“Wally!” Kuki glommed onto him. “Don’t panic! Did you hear her? Try not to panic!” 

Wally pushed her off gently. “Kuki. I’m not panicking.” 

Kuki folded her hands together. “You’re not?” And then she waved her hands in the air. “Why not!” 

“Because...” he looked at Abby. “She ain’t panickin’.” He stepped away from the group. 

Hoagie grinned awkwardly. “I’m definitely panicking.” 

“I’m tellin’ ya. There’s nothin’ to be afraid of--” 

But then, Hoagie’s light flickered out. It was only for a moment, but he managed to shake it back into working order. He had expected this to happen but was still surprised when it did. When the light finally did start working again, it wasn’t long before the air rang with a nasty, ear-splitting wail. Kuki stood in the middle of the hall, turning over herself in a desperation as she felt the warmth from the body beside her disappear. 

“Wally! H-h-he’s gone. He vanished-” she quivered. “He was just here and now he’s gone!” 

Hoagie and Abby stood there stunned. 

Abby made her way over to Kuki, picking up her hands, “It’s alright, Kuki. I’m sure he’s fine.” 

But Kuki was inconsolable. “I knew it! I knew we were being followed and you wouldn’t believe me! My Wallybear’s been kidnapped by the TEENZ!!” 

“He probably snuck off to find a toilet somewhere,” She twisted her hat around. “The damned idiot. This is why I wanted y’all to stay in the ship.” 

“Don’t worry, Kuki,” Hoagie said with a soft smile. “We’ll find him. We just gotta stick together.” He pulled the S.C.A.M.P.P. around his shoulder, just in case. 

The group walked around the hallway, but there was no sign of Wally. Abby, frustrated with the situation, marched ahead of the others. “Wally!” 

“Wally?” Kuki followed. Hoagie joined. 

“If this is some sorta prank you got a lotta nerve!” Abby snapped. “It ain’t funny no more!” 

Kuki walked forward only to be stopped by a drop of green goo, similar to that on the wall, dropping in front of her foot. Her body froze, paralyzed by the impending doom she knew was coming. Hoagie lifted the flashlight and lifted it up to the ceiling. His eyes widened with horror as Kuki let out another bone-chilling scream. 

They found Wally. 

He was strung up from his waist on the ceiling, the green fungi growing around him like moss on a tree. That same substance appeared to also be drooling out of his mouth and onto the floor. Kuki, still squealing, tried to reach up and grab for her boyfriend, only to be stopped by Abby almost instantly. 

“We have to get him down from there!” she cried. She called out his name before finally settling into Abby’s arms. 

Hoagie stood with the flashlight on Wally’s frozen body, petrified. “W-What happened to him?” 

Abby’s voice was urgent. “Take Kuki and go back to the ship. Now.” 

“We can’t just leave him like this!” 

“I gave you an order, Soldier! Now move!” 

“No way!” Hoagie protested. “We have to stay together! You can barely breathe with those spores around!” 

“You idiot! Don’t you get it? This ain’t no infestation! It’s a biochemical attack!” 

Snap. Snap snap s- The wires holding Wally above them snapped, allowing the body to fall to the ground. Hoagie flashed his light down, walking towards the body. The glow from the plants made it almost green, but it was hard to tell if that was from the light or his actual skin. Kuki tried to move, but Abby was only able to hold her back as she protested once more. 

“It almost looks like...” Hoagie said, getting closer. “Like it’s growing out of him.” 

“Why on earth would you say that!” Kuki shouted. 

“That shadow you saw earlier...” Hoagie stated. “Maybe it wasn’t the hamsters.” 

Kuki’s face drained. “Y-You mean...there really could be a g-g-ghost?” 

“There’s no such thing as ghosts,” Hoagie corrected her. 

“Well a person couldn’t turn my boyfriend green, could they?!” She snapped back. “It’s a ghost. An alien ghost and it’s gonna eat our brains!” 

“That ain’t the work of no ghost...” Abby released Kuki, her body slightly moving back and forth, as though she were losing energy. “He’ll be fine so long as we get outta here in time--” 

“You’re not gonna do anything?” Hoagie protested. 

“Just trust me,” She moved off of Kuki and pushed her way towards the other end of the hallway. “There ain’t nothin’...we can do about it right now...” 

Kuki, who was still staring at the still body, couldn’t stop the tears from streaming down her face. Hoagie held out his hand to her, holding a somewhat reassuring look. She took it, gripping as tightly as she could muster, still somewhat weak from getting close to his body. 

The hallway seemed to stretch longer and longer as they wound their way along the metal tunnels. Kuki was quivering, huddling as close to Hoagie as she could while he himself had his eyes plastered forward. Abigail was acting strangely. He could tell. There was something odd about this entire thing. One thing he was certain of, they weren’t alone on this space station. Was it a survivor? A potential ally maybe? But Abby’s behavior seemed to suggest otherwise. It wasn’t long before Kuki lost nearly all of her energy again and Hoagie had to carry her on his back. 

“He’s gonna be okay, right?” he asked. 

“Of course. We can reverse the effects when we get back to the ship.” 

He paused. “Are you gonna be okay?” 

Her gait had slowed significantly. “I’m a professional. This is part of the job.” Hoagie maintained a pace about ten feet behind her, even though he could most likely surpass her at this point. 

Suddenly, all of the lights flickered on. There was an emergency alarm, calling for a TEEN ALERT, similar to the one which was activated at the Treehouse. A large metal door slammed between Abby and the others, trapping her inside. She could hear them screaming and called out to them. Her hand slammed on door as she reached for her G.U.M.Z.O.O.K.A., but it didn’t really do very much damage. The power went out again as she pounded on the door, screaming for her friends. After a while, they did not answer. 

A green glow appeared at the top of the door and spreading like a wildfire continued to coat the metal in sickly green stalks. Abby backed away, unable to handle the intense pressure coming from her head and stomach. She called again, no answer. This time she was starting to panic. She fingered along the walls, trying to find a secret entrance or something. Finally, she found a panel which lead to a wire system. Even though the electricity was down, she could still get the light to spark if she had something. She called into the corridor, hoping that one of the hamsters would be listening. The tiny red light at the top of the door started to glow. 

The door opened just enough to get through before getting stuck, but the green fungi was still blocking the entrance, like lattice on a fence. She called out to her friends once more, but there was nothing. She backed away, watching the fungi pulse like an organ. She shook her head. Nope. No way. She wasn’t going to...but when they started to grow again, she realized she had no choice. There was only one thing that would defeat an evil this great, only one thing she could do. 

She spit the gum onto the floor. 

Inhaling, she braced herself before sinking her teeth into the side of the green stalk. She didn’t swallow it, but the effect was still grotesque. Her stomach lurched, but she continued on until she created a small hole through which she could climb. As she squeezed her way through, spitting out the rest of the chewed-up muck, she watched as it disintegrated into a goopy mess. That in itself was enough to make her puke. She fired another gum ball into her mouth trying to get rid of the taste. It did not work very well. Her legs sprinted across the hallway, calling out into the darkness. The first thing she saw was the flashlight. It too had been completely overtaken by green fungus. She cringed, holding her stomach as she went forward. Then she found the S.P.I.C.E.R. gun and not long after that, Kuki’s now green and paralyzed hand attached to it. Abby bent down to her friend, whose drool had also become green making a puddle on the floor. 

The silence was broken by a small muffled noise coming from the other end of the door. Abby bit her lip, placed the G.U.M.Z.O.O.K.A. in a holster on her waist and picked up the S.P.I.C.E.R., blasting the open the other door. The muffling got louder as other sounds were slowly being introduced to the party. An annoyed grunt. 

“Come on...”

She could hear a voice now. Words. 

“Why...won’t...it...work!” 

Abby followed the noises until she saw a tall, thin figure standing over a bigger, wider one. Its hand seemed to be grabbing chunks of the fungi and shoving it into the other person’s mouth. 

“Hey!” Abby put her weapon into position as she entered the scene. The figure stopped. She slowed her breathing. “Drop him.” 

The tall figure froze, standing upright and looking at Abby. It was wearing a long black jumpsuit with armored shoulder and knee pads and a helmet which covered its face. Abby felt herself getting weaker now, her knees wanting to buckle and collapse, but she stayed firm. The figure picked up another piece from the floor. When the other figure tried to speak, the stalk went right back in its mouth, shutting it up. 

“Don’t think I won’t blast that helmet right off your head,” Abby growled, her voice steadier. “Cree.” 

The figure pressed a button on the side of her helmet, as it opened. “Baby Sister.” 

“I knew it couldn’ta been the TEENZ when I saw Numbuh 4’s body,” she said coldly. “And when Numbuh 3 looked the same, I confirmed it. They wouldn’ta left behind any evidence. But you never took prisoners, did you?” 

“True.” Cree jeered. “That hat’s a bit small on you.” 

Abby grimaced back at her. “You planted this.” 

“I wish I could say I did,” her older sister said. “But it was already growing when I got here. It turned out to be just what I needed to gain the upper hand.” She pulled out a hamster, who was quivering in her tight grip. “Along with this little guy.” She turned angrily towards her first victim, who was still working on swallowing the last part of the fungi. “And then there’s you.” She lifted him up by his jacket. 

Hoagie, who still had not been affected by the contamination much to Cree’s dismay, sat staring at the woman before him. His heart was palpitating faster than he could think. Her eyes, her hair, her flawless skin. Everything about her was captivating, like he had seen her in a dream somewhere. 

She shook him. “Why aren’t you getting weaker?” 

Hoagie blushed. “I’m definitely weak in the knees...” he said as he laughed nervously. 

Cree, clearly annoyed by this, pulled out a long green stick. “That was 90% pure broccoli! How are you still awake?” 

“I’m not sure I am awake...” he whispered. She snapped the green stick in half and started to shove it in his face. “No! Wait! I’m allergic to asparagus-- Giant rash, itchy butt, and I’m part of the 30% of the population that gets smelly pee after they eat it and you don’t want to do deal with that--” 

“Oh my god, shut up!” Cree shouted, shoving the stick in his mouth. 

“Omkmh...” Hoagie tried to say ‘okay’ with his mouth full of asparagus. 

Abby tightened her grip. “Cree.” 

Hoagie swallowed. “It’s okay Abigail. I feel perfectly-” WHACK. Cree slammed her elbow straight into a pressure point on his neck. He collapsed immediately. 

She wiped her brow. “Should have done that ages ago.” 

“Why are you here?” Abby asked, not lowering her weapon. She knew she had to remain vigilant if she was going to make it out of this one. 

“I could ask you the same question.” 

Abby loosened her grip. “Cree listen...” 

“I thought we were finally on the same page about things!” she snapped. “That you were finally on my side!” 

“I’m sor-” 

“You lied to me!” she shouted. “You’re still working for them!” 

“You’re still working for Father.” 

“Father isn’t evil. He wants a better world for everyone.” 

“A better world for the Adults...” Abby whispered under her breath. 

“The world is mostly Adults,” Cree reminded her. “Nearly two thirds of the population are. But no. Make the world for kids who don’t work, who don’t do anything to make the world a better place! Who just sit there and whine and cry and ask to be taken care of.” 

“That’s messed up, Cree...” Abby stated. “That’s messed up and you know it’s messed up!” 

“No, you know what’s messed up?” Cree hissed. “An organization who decides who gets to have a childhood and who doesn’t. A system which discriminates against aging and tells you you’re worthless once you’re over the age of 13.” 

“That ain’t fair,” Abby snapped back. “Teens were betrayin’ kids. Child labor laws were barely enforced. Our own agents were sold into slavery! It had to end, Cree! Just cause you weren’t picked for promotion you think that we’re some sort of brainwashing evil organization but we’re not! We did what we had to do to survive!” 

“Jesus! When are you finally going to grow up?” Cree walked up to her sister. “You’re a teenager! You’re not one of them! You can’t be one of them! You! Maurice! You all take me for some kind of idiot! But I’m not the fool here, Abby.” 

“You don’t know anything...” 

“You’re their little puppet and as soon as they’re done with you they’ll just toss you aside. I know these things, Abigail. You know why? I’m older than you. I have more experience than you!” She looked down at Hoagie. “And now you’ve dragged them back into it. When are you going to realize that your actions have consequences?” 

“Me? I’m not the one who poisoned them!” 

“They’re innocent people who you pulled into this conflict, so you could go on this, what, excursion? To feel like you’re a kid again? You’re not a kid. You’re a fucking Adult.” She pointed behind her. “And those people who you call your friends, your TND or whatever it is, they’re not gonna give two shits about these teenagers. Ex-operatives or not, Abby. You have no idea what they’re capable of. I do.” She sighed, lowering her arm. “Father has sent out a warrant for your arrest. How do you think that makes Mom and Dad feel? Did you even think about them before doing this?” 

Abby lowered her weapon. “You can’t make feel guilty. It won’t work.” 

Cree frowned. “I’m not here to arrest you, Abby. I’m here to take you home.” 

“I’m not going anywhere with you,” she spat.

“You can’t go after Nigel,” Cree replied. “I know that’s what you’re doing. You’ll be followed. You’ll start a war.” 

“Why do you care?” Abby felt as though she were spitting acid. Her stomach starting to twist. “I thought you Adults liked wars. Wars. Wars. Wars.” 

“Just shut up and listen,” Cree stated. “You think you’re gonna waltz right up to their front door and they’ll welcome you with open arms, but they won’t. Nigel got rid of the Kids Next Door on Earth. Every operative. He doesn’t care what happens to this planet anymore...” 

“You’re wrong.” Abby shook her head. She gripped the S.P.I.C.E.R. tightly in her hand. “He’s just lost. I can help him. I know I can.” 

“No, Abby, you can’t.” Cree said. “Because you’re the one who’s lost.” 

She scoffed. 

“It’s been seven years. Has he even called you lately? Messaged? When was the last time you actually talked to him?” Cree asked. Abby didn’t answer. “You’re gonna ruin your life over a kid who doesn’t give a fuck about you!” 

That was it. Abby lifted the gun and fired, but Cree beat her to it, with a faster and more superior gun. The S.P.I.C.E.R. was shot out of her hand, thankfully still intact. 

“I won’t sit by and let this happen,” Cree said walking forward. Abby tried to pull out her second weapon, but her reflexes where slow due to the broccoli. “You can’t win, Abby. Not here. I know how you react to Vegetables.” Cree kneed her sister in the stomach and slammed her against the wall, the gun pointed at her head. “I’ll take you back. I’ll keep you safe and hidden and as far away from the G:KND as possible. And then you’ll see. You’ll finally understand...” 

Abby grabbed a stalk of broccoli from the wall and shoved it in Cree’s face. She grabbed the small device that Cree was using to breath and yanked on it, taking the G.U.M.Z.O.O.K.A. from her waist holder and firing a hard gumball into it. With a knee to the shins, she broke off and started running the opposite direction. 

“Abby!” Cree called after her, coughing. Her body was beginning to weaken. “Oh. You are in so much trouble.” Abby panted, running up as fast as she could, with Cree right behind. She disappeared into the darkness as Cree followed her. When the older sister arrived at the next room, everything was pitch black. She could hear squeaking coming from below her, rodents starting to run up her legs. She screamed, hoping back and forth. “Ew! Get off of me! Get off! You little...Abigail!” 

Then the lights turned on, and Cree was too busy with the rodents to notice Abby’s feet swinging from the ceiling into her stomach, knocking her into a hole in the wall. Abby’s breathing was getting heavier as she walked up to the “hole”, slamming her hand on a red button. A glass wall started to rise between her and Cree. Cree realized what was happening too late and slammed into the glass, unable to escape. 

“Sorry, Sis,” Abby said, patting her head. “But I can’t play with you right now.” 

“Abby...” Cree watched in horror as her sister placed her hand on another button outside of the door. “Abby, stop! You’re making a huge mistake!” 

“I’ll tell Nigel you said hi,” she said quietly. 

“You can’t. Abby. You’ll die out there-” Tears accumulated in her eyes. Something Abby hadn’t seen from her sister in a long, long time. “Please.” 

“Goodbye, Cree.” 

She pressed the button, sending the hole further out into space. Cree, having realized that she was now in a space pod and not just a glass prison, pounded on the wall. Abby felt a tinge of remorse as her sister was rocketed off into space, disappearing into a spec of light, indistinguishable from a star. She whispered the words “I’m sorry” before she made her way down a paralleled hallway, this time to the Moon Base’s main control center. She looked down at her feet as the hamsters who had helped her win were smiling at her. 

“Thanks,” she said with a smile. “I owe you one.” 

The hamsters looked at each other proudly. 

“Actually,” she said. “There is somethihn’ you could do for me.” 

Abby pushed through the door, stepping one foot at a time as though her feet were trudging through mud. The air was getting thicker, her vision starting to blur. She could see patches of green out of the corner of her eye, radiating as it continued to crawl over the walls. The spores had set off a chain reaction alright, one that would eventually spread the poisonous greens all around the base. Sweat poured down her body, the urge to collapse getting stronger with each step. Biting her finger for stability, she was able to make it to the computer. 

If she could just hold on for a little longer. Another surge hit her as she hunched over the keys. Her shaky fingers reached toward the keyboard, turning on the machine. The light from the screen flashed into her eyes, too bright for her current condition. She pulled the microphone towards her the second the main loading screen appeared. 

“Activate S.L.I.N.G.S.H.O.T.,” she heaved, her body attempting to spew out more than just words. 

“Activating S.L.I.N.G.S.H.O.T...” the screen showed back to her. A great peace came over her body as she sank down. Her feet dragged along the floor, her muscles eventually losing their strength. Before she could fall, she scuttled over to the wall. Her stomach churned once again, the fumes starting to move into her head. It was as though all she could see was green. She shook her head and began edging against the wall towards the exit. Her chest rose and fell, searching for fresh air, but it was no use. She was halfway through the hallway before she had to stop. Hairs started to stick to the side of her face. She took the last piece of gum from her weapon and put it in her mouth. It was much easier now to move down the stairs with the hamsters turning back on the electricity. 

She made it to the ship where her friends had been graciously moved by the hundreds of little helpers. They were only able to get them outside onto the landing bay, but that was fine. They were also gracious enough to have returned the flashlight and the S.P.I.C.E.R. which had been lost during the battle. Hoagie had woken up before they had reached him and helped Abby carry the other two onto the ship. Abby opened the bag of food and brought out everything she could. Chips. Candy. Chocolate. They were out of soda, but that would have to wait. She fed the items to Wally and Kuki, who regained color almost immediately. 

“Oh man, what happened?” Wally asked, scratching his head. 

Kuki awoke next. She saw her boyfriend and squealed with delight, overjoyed that he was safe and sound. Abby herself was devouring sugar left and right, trying to get that broccoli out of her system. 

“Khlorophyll,” she told them. 

Hoagie was confused. “The chemical that makes the plants green?” 

Abby nodded. “It’s a poison. Different types do different things, but broccoli is one of the worst. Sugar is the one way to dilute the effects. Like...addin’ an acid to a base to regulate ph levels. And yeah, it can also turn plants green.” 

“Vegetables!” Wally said. “Are you kiddin’ me? Now I gotta be afraid of bloody vegetables!” 

Abby flew the ship to the giant portal in the sky, which did in fact look like a slingshot. She entered the coordinates to take them to the exact center of the universe, which she was able to calculate based on her minimal knowledge of outer space. However, the broccoli had already begun to spread to the outer limits of the Moon Base, sprouting on even the grey sand and moon craters. The portal started to spark. Just a few more seconds, she thought. The broccoli spread onto the sides of the S.L.I.N.G.S.H.O.T. More sparks flew. 

“Abby...” Kuki said, worried. 

“Just a bit more...” she whispered. The pressure was causing her to black out again. “Hang on!” 

The rubber-band like structure pulled the ship backwards, but something was wrong. The electricity flew in every direction, almost blinding the teens. They strapped into their chairs once more, terrified of what was going to happen to them. The screen flashed red. 

ERROR

ERROR

ERROR

Before they could think twice, they were flung into space. They blinked. Everything was perfectly still. It was as though they had imagined themselves there. They unstrapped themselves. 

“We did it!” Kuki exclaimed. “We’re here!” 

But as they looked around, they couldn’t see much of anything. 

“Abby,” Wally asked. “We’re here, aren’t we?” 

But Abby was unresponsive. Her head lay flat against the dashboard. Hoagie tried to wake her up, but it was no use. She was out cold. In the distance, there was a purple planet, which appeared to be gaseous. Hovering in its orbit sat a grey dot which appeared to be a space station. They let the ship drift over to it, an unknown symbol-based language printed on the side. 

No one appeared to be going in or out. 

“So...where exactly are we?” Wally asked. 

“We’re fucked, Wally.” Kuki replied. “We’re totally fucked.” 

Abby sat up, regaining consciousness. Her face was still discolored. She heaved, her body leaning over to one side, green, gloppy vomit spilling all over the floor. 

END TRANSMISSION


	2. H.A.Z.E. (PART ONE)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stranded in the middle of nowhere after a malfunction, the group rests in a mysterious space station for a rest, which may or may not be haunted. Meanwhile, Kuki makes a discomforting discovery.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: See "end notes" for content.

Now Loading...

Code: [RESTRICTED]

Operation H.A.Z.E. (PART ONE)

Happenings  
Arouse   
Zany   
Experiences 

Written by OfficiallyWrong with properties owned by Tom Warburton   
and Cartoon Network

Location: Unknown

Time: Unknown 

Status: Fucked

Episode 8

Floating at the edge of the Universe, an abandoned space station sat in orbit of a mysterious planet. Its gaseous form made it uninhabitable for carbon-based lifeforms, and yet its bright purple color was ethereal, no doubt luring many to it. The space station appeared old and rusted on the outside, but inside remained spotlessly clean. Writings in an Alien script adorned the walls, along with various drawings. The station had all the amenities necessary for contemporary human living: bedrooms, bathrooms, laboratories, kitchens, which the new Sector V was surprised to find in such a location. It was a strange little miracle in a slew of catastrophic events. 

Kuki politely held Abby's hair, trying not to look down at the horrifying vomit coming out of her mouth. She had never seen anyone quite so allergic to vegetables. It seemed that until their leader got better, there was no way they could leave the station. Abby hurled herself over the porcelain bowl. The greenish tinge in her skin had mainly gone now. However, the twisting in her stomach continued. She had been there for about twenty minutes, her body now drenched in sweat. 

"It's cause she ate all that bloody candy," Wally insisted when Kuki explained to him the situation. The others waited outside the bathroom out of politeness. He shook his head. "I swear that bitch's got a screw loose." His comment was met with a swift slap in his arm. "Ow!" 

Kuki, the perpetrator, glowered at him. "Don't say things like that!" she snapped. "Abby was right about the vegetables being poisoned. She knows more about this world than we do, so we don't have the right to judge her." 

"It’s so strange," Hoagie added. "But I guess not as strange as everything else that’s been happening.” 

"How can vegetables be poison anyway?" Wally crossed his arms. "Don't make any sense. Ain’t they supposed to be good for you?" 

Kuki sighed. "You're thinking about it wrong. We're supposed to think like kids, remember?" 

Hoagie huffed. "Yeah. Think like a kid. Make brash decisions based on feelings, be afraid of vegetables, and travel to the center of the Universe to ask a guy to pretty please not blow up the planet." He lifted a hand to his face. 

"You guys are mean," Kuki pouted, her cheeks puffing out. "Abby's been right all this time. You should trust her more." 

Just then, they heard the door creek open, a still-nauseous Abby slinking out into the hallway. "I think...that's everything," she stammered. "There’s nothin’ left in there." She pulled herself upright, making a determined face. "Time to head back out!" As soon as she said that, another sharp pain attacked her stomach. 

"No! No! Absolutely not!" Kuki said, pushing her back into the room they had assigned for her. "You're going to bed, young lady!" 

"I'm older than you..." 

Kuki brightened up. "I know! I'll get you some tums. I always keep some in my..." She froze before letting out a pained gasp. "Oh no!" 

Wally jolted. "What? What's wrong?!" 

"I forgot to get a first aid kit!" 

"You what?!" Wally couldn't believe this. 

"I was gonna get one when we got the food but-" 

"What kind of wannabe nurse doesn't remember to get a bloody first aid kit! What happens if we get hurt? What are we supposed to do, lick our wounds?" 

Kuki's lower lip trembled, her eyes growing as big as saucers. “I’m sorry, Wally.” 

Wally exhaled, pinching his nose. “You’re somethin’ else.” 

Hoagie stripped off his backpack. “It’s okay, Kuki. I’ve got it.” He fit his hand inside the front pocket, pulling out a bright orange box. Opening it, he pulled out a bottle of tums and a washrag. “That should do it.” 

Wally found himself flustered. “What are you, Mary Poppins? The fuck is all this?” 

Hoagie looked up, shutting the box. “Oh, this? I take it everywhere. You never know when there’s going to be an emergency.” 

Kuki gave him a discomforted look. “When did you start doing that?” 

Hoagie shrugged. “You get in the habit.” 

Kuki picked up the tums and the rag, watching Hoagie as he put away the first aid kit, stuffed right next to his brother’s goggles. The sight was slightly disconcerting. She picked up the tums and the rag, handing them to Abby, who was only half-present for most of the exchange. “Now you take this and get some sleep, okay?” 

“I’ll be fine,” Abby tried, but Kuki wasn’t taking any chances. 

“Don’t be silly,” she grinned. “I’ll take good care of you, Miss Abby. We’re not going anywhere until you’re in tip-top shape!” She turned to the boys. “In fact, we should all get some sleep. Who knows when we’re gonna have another chance to rest.” 

Wally nodded. “She’s got a point.” 

“Please don’t call Abby ‘Miss’,” she said. 

Kuki ushered Abby into the nearest sleeping quarters. The S.L.I.N.G.S.H.O.T. had blasted them off into the middle of nowhere, certainly, but thankfully they found an old abandoned space station with amenities that still functioned. After the ambush at the Moon Base, the team was happy with their temporary good fortune. Despite it being old and designed for smaller bodies, it was better than trying to sleep in the cramped ship designed for the luxury of five children who literally never left each other’s sides. 

“Whoa! Check that out!” Wally exclaimed, peering down the giant hole in the center of the room. “Hello!” his voice echoed down into the chamber. While Abby was sleeping, he, Kuki, and Hoagie decided to explore the premises in search of something that could potentially get them back on track. So far, they hadn’t found anything besides a couple of old wires and tubes. In the center of the room, a larger tube sat from floor to ceiling, attaching to the smaller tubes. 

Kuki’s leg kicked up as she leaned in further. “It’s so big! I wonder what it does?” 

Hoagie scanned the plaques on the railings, written in the same Alien language as the outside door. Alongside them were what looked to be hieroglyphs carved into plaques. “I think these are the instructions,” he told the others. The three gathered around the plaque. 

The first image was that of two straight vertical lines about an inch apart from each other. The second contained the same two lines, same distance, but inside of them were thinner vertical squiggly lines. It was a crude sketch, like a child had done it. It matched the crudeness of the other etchings. 

“I’m gonna take a guess and say this was one of those Kids Next Door thingy’s ships,” Wally said. 

“If it is, maybe we could find a way to re-activate it like the Moon Base,” Hoagie suggested. 

“Let’s turn it on and see what happens!” Kuki announced. 

“Sure,” Hoagie said. “We’ve got nothing to lose.” 

The two played around with the buttons, pressing every single one like it was an Olympic sport. However, nothing happened. 

“Aw, come on!” Wally pounded on the rail. “You piece’a junk! Work!” 

“Maybe it’s not plugged in?” Kuki proposed. 

“What’s it supposed to be, I wonder...” Hoagie thought aloud. “A teleportation device maybe?” 

Wally gasped. “That would be so cool!” He peered around Hoagie’s shoulder. “I see it. Those are the wave-thingies and that’s the tube thingy...” 

“I wonder if it goes to where Nigel Uno is,” Kuki added. 

The three of them let out a sigh. 

Now that would be a miracle. 

The bed was small and slightly hard with a flat pillow, but that didn’t matter. Abby couldn’t sleep anyway. She turned over to her side, able to hear her shallow breathing. The washcloth she had dampened with cold water sat on the side of her face, which helped to at least absorb the sweat. She closed her eyes, trying to not think, which of course led to a series of thoughts and feelings. She couldn’t sleep. There was no time. They had to get to the G:KND as quickly as possible. She groaned, her mind wavering in and out of the dream state. She could hear the soft whirring of machinery around her, fading in and out like white noise. She was so close. As her body relaxed, she heard someone whisper something. Something that sounded like her name. She shook it off and focused on relaxing. 

“...Five...” She thought she could hear the voice say. 

She groaned. Who was there? What did they want? 

“Numbuh Five. Wake up.” 

Abby’s eyes began to flutter open. The room was completely pitch dark. 

“Numbuh Five.” The voice became clearer. 

She turned over on her back, sitting her head up. “Nigel?” 

Slowly, she sat up in bed, looking around the room. The voice did not answer. She rubbed her eyes. After waiting for a few moments, she realized she must have been dreaming. She lay back down in bed, finding a comfortable position to return to. It was when she had done this that the nausea in her stomach started to return. 

Hoagie was never good at sleeping. At home, he averaged approximately four hours a night, and even that was only when he had something important he had to do. His mind was like a mine field at night, exploding with ideas and thoughts that never seemed to plague him during the day. Of course, he knew that in space day and night were simply arbitrary organizations of time and the biological clock would cause him to pass out when his body ran out of energy. But in this time, Hoagie had a task to complete, and he could never sleep if he had a task to complete no matter how much he wanted to. 

He glared at the tiny wooden box of ancient technology. A recommissioning module. It certainly would solve a lot of their problems, not just for Abigail, but for the whole TND. Still, Wally had overestimated him. Hoagie had dismantled and reassembled the machine three times since Kuki made him go to sleep and yet he couldn’t figure out what made it tick. He recognized most of the materials: wood, wire, paperclips, rubber bands, things that kids would use to create a project for school. It certainly didn’t appear advanced. He reached back behind his neck, a small itch starting to arise. He closed his eyes, praying it was just a coincidence. He slipped out of his jacket, pulling up the sleeves of his shirt. 

Great. Perfect. 

Hoagie opened his backpack, pulling out his first aid kit. He walked to the bathroom, the itch spreading up his arm and down his back. The bright incandescent light coming from the fixtures exposed a series of red splotches accumulating all over his body. He grumbled as he searched for the specific cream he needed. He unbuttoned his over-shirt, regretting the layers he always wore. The cream was cold over his hot skin and it made him feel a sense of relief, or the closest thing to it that he could possibly feel given the circumstances. It was a small victory. His eyes caught himself in the mirror, the black bags beneath them becoming more visible. 

Also, in the mirror, he caught a glimpse of a dark shadow appearing from underneath one of the stalls. He turned around, noticing that the shadow was caused by two brown legs sticking straight out. He walked over, pushing the stall door open. Sure enough, he saw exactly what he was expecting to see. 

“Abigail?” 

Abby, not quite yet asleep, was lying with her face smushed against the tile floor. She opened her eyes but didn’t try and look at him. 

“What are you doing?” 

“The cold floor feels nice,” she said bluntly. “Abby’s gonna sleep here tonight.” 

“Did you throw up again?” 

“False alarm,” she replied. “You should try this. It’s like lyin’ on an ice cube.” 

Hoagie laughed. “I’ll pass. I’ve spent enough nights on the bathroom floor.” 

She smirked. “Afraid I’ll give you cooties?” 

Hoagie crouched down to her level. “Hardly.” Abby pressed her cheek onto the tile. He sighed. “You’re gonna get even more sick if you keep doing that. Who knows the last time this place was cleaned?” 

“Kids hate cleanin’, Dummy. They got inventions to do that for em’. This place’s completely sterile.” 

Hoagie’s brows scrunched. “Really? Cause last I checked old abandoned space stations weren’t the epitome of sanitation.” 

“You really think kids wanna spend their time and energy doin’ chores?” She rolled over. “Self-cleanin’ space stations was one of the first things the KND ever invented. That way when they build somethin’, it just stays the way it was. No maintenance, no fuss, no worries.” 

“That sounds too good to be true,” he yawned. “But I’m too tired to care right now.” 

“So, come on.” She patted the floor beside her. 

“Aren’t you just going to fall asleep anyway?”

Abby was quiet for a moment. “I can’t sleep.” 

Hoagie lay down next to her on the floor. “You’re really worried about him, huh? This Uno guy.” Abby didn’t say anything. “I guess you’re not really in the mood to talk about it.” 

Abby closed her hand. “Not really.” 

“Or to explain why your sister was attacking us?” 

“We have differing political opinions.” 

“I gathered. Holidays must be fun,” Hoagie said. She was right, the cold tile felt strangely relaxing, as though it were radiating pure oxygen. “You know, if you want, I have something that might help. With the sleep problem, I mean.” Hoagie reached into his pocket, pulling out a pill bottle. He offered it to Abby. “Here.” 

But Abby was hesitant. “Drugs?” 

“It’s just melatonin.” 

“Oh.” She said, taking the bottle. “I’m usually on call 24-7, so I guess I never used it before.” 

“Cause it’d make you sleep too much?” 

Abby nodded. “Yeah...but since we can’t go anywhere anyway...” Abby sat up slightly, noticing the rash. “What happened to your arm?!” 

Hoagie flushed, pulling down his sleeves. “N-nothing! I’m just allergic to asparagus.” 

Abby’s face darkened. “Cree.” 

“It’ll disappear in a few days,” he said standing to his feet. “Don’t worry about it.” 

But Abby snarled. “Vegetables are the root of all evil.” Her seriousness was offset by Hoagie’s involuntary snickering. “What?” 

Hoagie had his hand clasped over his mouth. “Nothing. It’s just you said...vegetables are the root of all evil.” There was no response. “Because vegetables h-have roots and they’re also the...” 

Shut up, Hoagie. 

“You know it’s like...” 

Shut up, Hoagie. 

He spun around, hiding his red face. “Never mind. Forget it. Goodnight.” 

“H-hey!” Abby called after him. “Where’re you goin’? Don’t you want this?” 

He grabbed the first aid kit off the counter. “Nope. You go ahead and keep it.” 

“But-” 

“Okay well, I’m gonna head to bed. See ya later!” He shouted as he sprinted out the door. 

He slowed down as soon as he got back to the hallway. He puffed, his face now the color of a radish. His arms clutched the orange box tightly. You dumb idiot, he thought. When are you going to learn how to shut your stupid mouth? 

Abby returned to her room, holding the bottle in her hand. She set it down, deciding that she would only use it as a last resort. She didn’t want to sleep too long and have them lose time. But when she closed her eyes, she heard a soft rustling coming from inside the wall. Abby slammed her hands over her face. “You’ve gotta be kiddin’ me,” she grumbled to herself. She had half a mind to go back to the bathroom. She eyed the pill bottle, taking it in her hand again. Lifting it up, she squinted her eyes. Just then, the sounds started again. Abby sat up and opened the bottle. How many should she take? One? Probably just one. 

The noises got louder. 

Maybe two. 

She swallowed them without issue, despite not having any water. She lay back down in the bed, setting down the bottle and closing her eyes. How long did it usually take for these things to work? She exhaled all of her air, trying hard not to think about anything. Of course, like always, this led to her thinking about everything. 

Abby’s body was very quickly sprawled out over the bed on her stomach, her mouth open and letting drool get all over the pillow. Not that she realized this at first. Hours passed, but the peace was not to last. She twitched as she felt her body moving up and down, up and down. The sound of mattress springs assaulted her ear. She clenched her eyes shut. The lovebirds were probably at it again. 

“Numbuh Five!” Someone said. 

Up and down, up and down. That’s when she realized it wasn’t Kuki and Wally’s bed that was moving. It was hers. Abby slammed the pillow over her head. “Go away!” 

“But Numbuh Five!” The voice called. “It’s an emergency!” 

She squeezed the pillow between her ears. “Abby’s sleepin’.” 

Two angry hands ripped off the pillow, causing Abby to shut her hands over her ears. “Numbuh Five. When the world is in trouble we don’t just go to sleep! We take action!” 

Abby pulled the covers over her head. The hands came up, trying to pull off the sheets, but she held onto them for dear life. 

“Numbuh...Five...” The figure squirmed as it struggled. Abby just groaned in response. “We have...to go...” It yanked harder. “We have...a mission...” 

Abby whipped off the sheet, sitting upward. “Alright fine!” She shouted into an empty room. She looked around, her eyes adjusted to the darkness. Even then, she couldn’t see anyone. A tiny finger tapped the back of her shoulder. 

“Numbuh Five?” 

Startled, Abby let out a scream. She turned around, twisting herself in her sheets. As if by instinct, she scooted away from the figure, falling off of the bed in the process. That thing...whatever it was...it touched her. She looked around, the pillow was on the floor. It did that too. The silhouette of a tiny body arose from on top of the bed. 

“Oh good!” It said. “You’re awake. Let’s go get the others! I’ve got a feeling we won’t be alone for long out here for long.” 

Abby rubbed her eyes. “Okay,” she whispered to herself. “Next time only one.” 

“What’s the matter? I gave you an order, Soldier!” 

She placed a hand on her forehead. “You’re losin’ your mind, Numbuh 5. Get ahold of yourself.” 

“This is no time to play around, Numbuh Five! If we don’t act fast, Father will conquerify the entire Universe!” Abby, however, was no longer listening. She moved toward him cautiously. “It’s our duty as members of the Kids Next Door to-” Abby’s finger poked his face, feeling the very tangible skin on his body. “Abby? What are you doing?” 

Abby backed away from him. “Oh hell no.” She grabbed his arm dragging the reluctant little kid towards the door. “Numbuh 5 ain’t doin’ this.” 

“But It’s a super mega important emergency!” the little boy pulled, trying to get away. 

“It is too early for this bullshit.” 

Nigel gasped. “Numbuh Five! I know you’re a teenager now, but you don’t have to use such icky words!” 

“Get out!” She shouted as she pushed him out the door, slamming it in his face. The sweat had returned, now covering her whole body. She tried desperately to catch her breath. He touched her. She touched him. How was that possible? Surely, she must have been dreaming. She held her arms close to her. It would be best to just call it a dream and be done with it. 

Knock knock knock 

Abby jumped. She opened the door. “I said get out!” She froze, seeing a taller, much blonder figure at the door. 

“Can’t sleep?” Wally lifted an eyebrow.

Abby swallowed. 

He peered into the room, noticing the sheets sprawled over the floor. “You keep talkin’ to yourself, people are gonna start thinking you’ve gone mad.” 

“You...” She brushed the fly-aways of her hair back. “You didn’t see anyone on your way here, did you?” 

“Nope.” 

Abby sighed. So, it was just her imagination after all. She looked at her hand, which had touched the figure. It must have been quite the imagination. “S-sorry to wake you.” 

Wally shrugged. “I get it. Just wanted to make sure everything was cool.” He smirked lecherously, looking her up and down. 

“What?” 

“I’ll letcha get back to it then.” 

“Oh, shut up,” she replied as she pushed him out the door. 

He waved his hand over the doorway before disappearing, the filthy look still all over his face. “Lemmie know if you need a magazine.” 

“Goodnight, Wally.”

Abby rolled her eyes, shutting the door behind her. Her sight had adjusted to the darkness. She could see the outline of the bed, the contour of the overhead light. There was no one there, she concluded. She had experienced this before, delusions at night. When she was little, she used to think there was someone tapping on her window and she would get up and close the curtain. It wasn’t sleepwalking. She remembered everything that she did and why she did it. However, those images were never shown to her visually, it was simply the idea that there were spiders in her bed or men outside her window that would cause her to act irrationally. Until now, she assumed she had grown out of it. Perhaps recent events were making her mind play tricks on her. 

She walked back to bed. 

Her mind couldn’t stay quiet. She had touched him. Her fingers rubbed together anxiously. Climbing into bed, she yanked the sheets over her, pulling out the melatonin bottle before she lay down. She yawned, deciding it wouldn’t be a good idea and placed the bottle back on the bedside table. 

The space station erupted with a high-pitched squealing coming from the room beside Abby. Abby herself, who had been practically passed out on the bed for twelve hours now, fluttered her eyes open. Was Kuki in trouble? Her body relaxed. No. It wasn’t a squeal of pain. It was one of excitement. Abby rolled out of bed, not enjoying the feeling of her crusty skin. She trudged to the door and went into the hallway, finding Kuki and Wally facing each other. 

“I can’t believe it!” Kuki exclaimed. “How in the world did you do it?” 

“I keep tellin’ ya, I didn’t!” Wally insisted. 

But Kuki’s sly grin told him she wasn’t buying it. “Oh, come on, Wally. I know it was you. Who else could it be?” 

Abby walked out, holding her shivering arms. It was so cold. 

When Kuki saw her, her eyes lit up. She rushed to her new friend, holding a fat plush toy in her hands. “Abby, look! Look what Wally gave me!” 

Abby rubbed her eyes and yawned, eyeing the red stuffed monkey. “That’s great, Kuki.” 

Wally furrowed his brow, getting annoyed. “It was probably left by the kids who were here before us. I wouldn’t touch it. It could have maggots or somethin’.” 

Kuki jeered. “Sure it could.” 

“I’m serious! I didn’t buy you the bloody thing!” Wally snapped. “All you spend your money on are those stupid Rainbow Monkeys! Why on earth would I buy you more?” 

“Because you love me...” the girl flashed a cheesy grin. 

Abby looked at the stuffed animal. Something strange was definitely happening. Rainbow Monkeys were an earth product, weren’t they? Why would one be in a Galactic space station? Her thoughts flashed to the night before. It was probably nothing, she told herself. The G:KND probably came to Earth all of the time. Wally and Kuki continued to argue about the animal when another pair of lazy feet stepped into the scene. Hoagie scratched his arms, bags sitting beneath his eyes even darker than before. 

“What’s going on?” he said, sleepily. Kuki beamed, showing him the rainbow monkey. “Did you always have that?” 

“Wally brought it!”

“No, I didn’t!” 

“It wasn’t in the room before. But when I woke up this morning, there it was! Right on the bed!” She turned around. “Wally just doesn’t want to admit that he gave it to me because he’s afraid people will think he’s a girly girl.” 

“Who’re you callin’ a girly girl?!” her boyfriend shot back. 

Hoagie adjusted his glasses, squinting into the toy. “Weird.” 

“Why would a Rainbow Monkey be here?” 

“Oh,” Hoagie held his chin, bending down to get a closer look at the toy. “So this is a Rainbow Monkey.” 

Kuki fumed. “What do you mean, so this is a Rainbow Monkey?! Of course it’s a Rainbow Monkey!” Hoagie flinched, backing away from her. She held the plush tightly in her arms. “It’s my most precious childhood memory.” 

Wally groaned. “You can’t take it on the mission with ya.” 

Kuki pouted. “Why not?” 

“Because! You’ll just lose it!” His arms flailed about. “And then all the way to the G:KND we’re gonna hear ‘wah my toy, wah I can’t find my toy, wah wah wah’!” 

Kuki hugged her precious childhood memory tighter. “I’m not gonna lose it.” 

“You’re a grown-ass woman! You don’t need to play with dolls!” 

“It’s not a doll! It’s an adorable plush collectible! They’ll be worth a lot of money one day!” 

“Fine!” He started to walk away. “Whatevah! We’re leavin’ this bloody space station now anyways.” 

“Actually.” Abby’s words stopped everyone, including herself. “I think we should stay one a little longer.” 

Wally stopped. “Huh?!” 

“Abigail...” 

Abby found her face flushing. “Yeah, uh, I...” she made a phony coughing sound. “I still feel pretty sick after all that broccoli business. Y-yeah. So I’m gonna lie down for a few more hours.” 

Wally walked back. “You look fine to me.” 

But Abby clutched her stomach, making a loud groaning sound and stumbling into Hoagie, who caught her immediately. 

“Abigail! Are you alright?” He supported her as she pulled herself up by his shirts. 

“Yeah, yeah, Abby’s fine don’t worry about-,” she cut herself off with another groan. 

“You guys we should definitely stay here,” Hoagie insisted. “Do you need any help? Should I get you some water?” 

“Don’t trouble yo’self,” she insisted. “Abby just needs rest is all.” Wally and Kuki exchanged glances as they watched the girl stumble back into her room and shut the door. 

Wally alternated his gaze between Hoagie’s concerned face and the closed door. “Fakin’ it.” 

“Totally faking it,” Kuki agreed. 

“What? You think so?” Hoagie looked back at them. 

Kuki let out a hearty laugh, shaking her head. “Oh, Hoagie. You’re so gullible. We’re going to have to start calling you Hoagie Gulli-ble--gan,” Kuki stumbled on her delivery. 

Hoagie cocked an eyebrow. “Smooth.” 

“The only reason she stayed in the first place was cause Kuki made her,” Wally explained. “Now she’s feelin’ better and wants to stay longer? Even with everythin’ that’s been goin’ on? Somethin’s up.” 

Hoagie’s nose scrunched. “What do you think happened? Is she worried about the...” he looked at the stuffed animal. “That?” 

“Rainbow. Monkey.” Kuki glowered at him. 

“Right.” 

“Who knows?” Wally stuffed his hands in his pockets. “But we can’t exactly leave without her. So looks like we’re stuck here.” 

The three frowned, their eyes moving to the floor with worry. 

Later, Kuki felt her head growing lighter and lighter. She couldn’t tell if this was a headache caused by stressed or from the lack of nutrients she had been receiving with the food choices. She walked into the bathroom, washing her face. She eyed her chubby cheeks in the mirror, making her eyes look even more squinted. At this rate, she would never reach her goal weight. Not that it mattered. There would be no Prom picture to show her future kids, no summer vacation for her to show off her new swimsuit body. There was no one left to perform for. She could hear her mother’s voice in her head already, stern and disappointed. 

Appearance is a deciding factor in success, Kuki. 

Look at yourself and ask: Would I hire this person? Would I date this person, knowing nothing about them? If the answer is no, then you can’t very well complain that you aren’t where you want to be, can you? 

She walked down the stairs to the lower half of the space station. Her feet were heavy as she walked down the sterile hallway. No dust, not even a little bit. How could such a place have been abandoned for so many years and yet look so clean? She wondered what happened in this place that caused the Children to abandon it. Kuki’s head started to throb. She was always told thinking wasn’t her strong suit. Wally seemed to disagree, but he too had trouble with complex problems. Kuki didn’t feel particularly brilliant in anything, but she didn’t think she was as stupid as the girls on the cheer squad made her out to be. She was just average and there was nothing wrong with being average. 

Average is a word the uninspired use to excuse themselves from diligence. Standard is the poison of progress, Kuki. Never forget that. 

Kuki sighed. Maybe there was some truth in what her mother said. But she wasn’t her mother. She didn’t want to start a company or be written about in magazines. She just wanted to help people. That was all. A perfectly happy life in a perfectly happy marriage with the love of her life and a job she enjoyed and paid well enough to live on. Happiness.

Happy? Don’t be ridiculous, Dear. Successful people are never happy. It is their dissatisfaction that makes them strive for greatness. 

She peered in the room where a dim light flashed against the cracked door. Hoagie (Gullible) Gilligan was there, working in the dark with a single light. Kuki watched him work for a moment before noticing the bright orange first aid kit sitting on the frame of the door. Jeez, she thought. Hoagie was such a clutter-brain. 

“Ugh are you fucking-” she heard his voice ring out into the hallway. “Piece of crap.” 

Kuki giggled. He wouldn’t mind if she just took a few pills from his case. She was the nurse of the group. It didn’t seem right to bother him over such trivial matters. She picked up the case and gingerly slid into the bathroom where she opened it. 

Acetaminophen? Ibuprofen? There were so many bottles it was hard to find exactly what she was looking for. Suddenly, she froze, her entire face went white. 

She slammed the box shut. 

A patter was heard upstairs.

Kuki ignored it. 

Suddenly, there was another scream coming from the floor above. It was a lower-pitched scream. It was Abby’s voice. She stared down at the case. 

Kuki split up the stairs in hysterics, bolting to the room where she had left Abby. The boys arrived shortly after seeing Abby struggle to yank something out. 

“Look!” She screamed, tugging the figure out into the hallway. Her hand was clasped over its tiny wrist. “Do you see it? Tell me you see it!” 

“Ouch! You’re hurting my arm!” The tiny figure squirmed. 

The others allowed their jaws to drop to the floor as they stared at the tiny white ten-year-old with black round sunglasses. The child, who was mouthing off in a proper British accent, was completely bald. 

“N-no way...” Kuki stammered. “Is that...” 

“NIGEL UNO?!” All three of them gasped in unison. 

The little bald boy, no older than ten, kicked his feet on the counter as he sucked on the cherry lollypop Abby had brought for him from the stash. The others peered around him, not sure what to do or how to respond. It was him, the Nigel Uno from the picture, or at least someone who looked precisely like him. Every detail was exact, from the wide, shiny bald head to the red turtleneck sweater he wore in the photo. They had moved to the laboratory that Hoagie had been working in to run tests. If he really was real, what did that mean? 

“I’ll ask you again,” A very suspicious Wally prodded. “Who are you and where did you come from?” 

The kid groaned. “I told you! I’m Numbuh 1, leader of Sector V of the Kids Next Door!” he announced confidently. “And you are my team. You were decommissioned when you turned thirteen and that’s why you don’t remember me!” He put a finger to his chin. “Somehow I have been transported to some strange future...”

“Like we’d believe that sh-” he started. Kuki gave him look that scolded him. “Crud.”

“So...you’re really here,” Kuki stated. 

Wally shook his head. “I ain’t buyin’ it.” 

“It’s the truth!” Nigel Uno wined. “Numbuh 5! You believe me, don’t you? You have to remember!” 

Hoagie crossed his arms, whispering to her. “Could this really be Nigel Uno?” 

Abby hadn’t really been able to say anything since they had managed to get Nigel into the lab. “If it is Nigel,” she finally explained. “It ain’t our Nigel.” Her eyes narrowed. “The Nigel Uno we’re lookin’ for is a Teen. I saw him with my own eyes. And we don’t have a cure.”

Nigel’s eyes widened. “A cure?” He gasped. “That’s it! The planet’s been diseasified! Father! I bet he’s the one responsible!” 

Wally growled. “Are you kiddin’? You are the one--” 

Abby shook her head frantically at him. 

“You’re the one...” he tried to cover up. “Who...was...n’t...there...when...it happened...??” 

“Chill.” 

“So...” Kuki tried to make heads or tails of what was going on. “You’re like, Nigel from the past?” Her cheeks flushed as she grinned at him. “Baby Nigel!” 

“N-Numbuh 3! W-wh-what are you doing? S-stop that!” 

“Aww. Baby Nigel! So cute.” She moved closer toward him. The kid’s face turned as red as his sweater. “He’s had such a long journey through time and space!” She nuzzled her face up to him. 

“N-N-Numbuh 3...” 

“We’ll take good care of you, little space explorer!” 

Nigel gave an awkward laugh as he kicked his feet again, happily enjoying Kuki’s affection. “Well...I am pretty tired...” 

Wally’s eyes flattened. “Oi,” he asked Abby. “That brat try’na steal my girlfriend?” 

But Abby was distracted. “Amazing...” she couldn’t think straight. “It’s really him.” Everything was perfect. The voice, the facial expressions, everything she had remembered. Had he come there from another time to help them? She picked up the red Rainbow Monkey. 

“What can you tell us about this?” She asked, holding it out to them. 

Nigel sat up, lifting a finger. “That, my dear Numbuh 5, is called a Rainbow Monkey. It was very popular in my time, not that I ever played with one...” 

Abby’s brows flattened. “I know it’s a Rainbow Monkey. My question is what is it doin’ on this station?” 

As Abby held out the plush, Wally couldn’t help but stare at it. There was something different about it, but he couldn’t put his finger on what. He scratched his head. 

“I dunno...” Nigel looked closely at it. “Could be a kid’s.” 

“Abby, I don’t think he knows anything,” Kuki said. 

Abby grimaced. “If you really are Nigel, and you really did come from the past like you say you did, then why are you here? How did you get here?” 

Nigel’s shoulders slouched. “I don’t remember. I remember being with my team back on Earth and then the next thing I knew...I was here.” He kicked his feet some more. “C’n I have another lolli?” 

“Wait a cruddy minute!” Wally announced. “How do we know this ain’t some trap set up by the Galactic Kids Next Door?” 

“Galactic Kids Next Door!” Nigel exclaimed. “There’s a Galactic Kids Next Door?!” 

“Jesus fucking Christ...” Wally whispered under his breath. “Are you sure this kid is here to help us?” He pulled Abby away from the kid. “I don’t mean to be Mr. Skeptical here, but we ain’t had the best track record when it comes to strange people n’ places appearin’ outta nowhere. I know you’re the expert on this stuff, but what makes you think this ain’t some kinda stalker?” 

Abby exhaled. “Could be. But a stalker I can handle. If it comes down to it, we’ll just withhold information till he can prove it to us one way or another.” 

“Fine, but I ain’t stickin’ around if that Alien tries to probe my brain...”

“I have some empty disposble syringes for Tommy’s insulin shots,” Hoagie said. “Just a prick should do it--” 

“Shh!” Abby approached him, her eyes harsh. “Nigel’s deathly afraid’a needles. Even the word shot is enough to get him riled up.” 

“Did you say somethin’, Numbuh 5?” the little boy asked. 

Abby turned back to him. “N-nope! Nothin’.” She reached into her pocket, handing him another candy. “Here, have a sucker.” 

Nigel looked at it, sourly. “Do you have any more cherry ones?” 

Wally grimaced. “Jeez, what a little brat.” 

“I think he’s sweet!” Kuki gushed. “Sweet wittle Nigel Uno eating his wittle candy. So cute!” 

Wally frowned. “You’re a wittle annoying.” 

“You’re a wittle rude.” 

Hoagie studied the kid for a minute. “So if we can’t...you know...do the thing with him awake, I have something we can give him.” 

Abby lifted her brow. “The melatonin? I have it in my room...” 

“We might need something stronger,” he thought aloud. “I can go get my bag” 

“No!” Kuki yelled. “I mean, no...n-no...nope...” 

“Kuki?” 

“I’ll go get it!” she called as she sprinted out the door. 

Crap! Crap! Crap! She screamed in her head as she sped-walked down the stairs. Scuttling along she found where she had hid the box. Turning around, she saw Hoagie there, arms crossed, as though he had appeared out of thin air. 

She laughed awkwardly. “Oh. Hi, Hoagie. Waz up...dog?” He stared at her confused as she shuffled over to him. Her eyes avoided his gaze as the bright orange box passed from her hands to his. “Here you go.” 

“Uh, thanks,” he said. He turned his back to her, opening it. 

Kuki walked past him. “Okay! Back up the stairs we go-” 

“What the--Where’s all my stuff?” 

Kuki flinched but kept walking. 

“Kuki!” 

She froze. Turning around, she cleared her throat. “Maybe it fell out? Oh well. Such a shame.” 

“Did you mess with my stuff?” 

“Uh...so...” 

“Kuki.”

“Okay, yes,” She said. “I did. But see, here’s the thing-” 

“What the hell?!” 

“I knew you would be mad...” 

Hoagie scoffed. “Wow. Brilliant deduction.”

“Right...well...” Kuki walked back to him. “You shouldn’t have stolen them in the first place!” 

Hoagie turned white. “S-Stolen...” 

“The name on all your pill bottles, this Charles B. Baker person. That’s not you!” She puffed out her cheeks. “So you are just as much in big trouble as me, Mr. Stealer pants!” 

“I didn’t steal them...” 

“Oh. Right. Sure.” 

“Kuki, I didn’t steal them,” he said again. “And even if I did, that’s none of your business!”

“Ha! So you admit that you could have stolen them-” 

Hoagie grabbed his face, crushing it in his large hands. “Oh my god. Look, we can talk about this later, okay. Just tell me where you hid them.” 

It was silent. 

“Kuki. Tell me where you hid them.” 

“So...” she said, leading him to a small window. “Funny story.” 

As Kuki explained, Hoagie’s eye began to twitch, then the rest of his body. His hands reached the top of his head as he pulled on whatever hairs he could. From deep below his stomach, he let out a guttural yell upon the realization that he was not going to be getting his medication back. 

“Now when you get back home you can get a real prescription from a real doctor,” Kuki explained. 

“Oh, yes, perfect,” he scowled. “Except for the fact that Earth is a ‘kajillion’ miles away and overrun by a crazy maniac!” He screamed. “I don’t think the health insurance for POWs is very substantial!” 

“You can stay on your mom’s plan until you’re twenty-six.”

“Not. The. Point.” 

“Well, it’s better than being a stealer!” 

He grumbled off, heading back upstairs to let Abby know what was going on. Kuki trailed behind him. 

Her voice was quivering. “You’ll thank me in the end! I promise!”

But now Kuki was beginning to doubt her words. 

“The melatonin worked...” Abby looked startled by the grouchy face Hoagie made as he walked in the room. Nigel was fast asleep on her lap. 

“That’s great,” he said through his teeth. He plopped the first-aid box on the counter. “I’m going to work.” 

“Work?” Wally asked. “But we got this kid here!” 

Hoagie ignored him and mumbled out the door. Immediately after, Kuki entered the room. Abby and Wally looked at her with curious stares. 

“Are you two...fighting?” Wally asked. 

Kuki laughed a little too loudly and swiped the air. “What? No. We’re not fighting...why on earth would you say that? We’re cool as a cucumber haha! Ahem...” 

Abby and Wally didn’t really believe her, but Wally knew better than to agitate Kuki and Abby wasn’t the type to pry. 

Kuki pricked Nigel’s finger, who was now passed out and sleeping snuggled up on Abby’s lap as she sat on the table. It bled a bright fresh red. Wally left to explore the station some more, which was met with little protest. She looked at the blood putting it on a slide. It looked perfectly normal from what she could see, but knew they needed to look at it under a microscope to confirm its contents. She wasn’t entirely sure what it would mean. After all, Abby didn’t know Nigel’s blood type. It could be that the alien spies had the same blood as Earth humans. Still, Abby’s smile as she looked down at the sleeping child was enough to give Kuki hope in this matter. 

“I guess that’s it then,” she said. She set the vile on the counter. Abby just nodded. Kuki was mesmerized by the sight. There was so much passion, so much sadness in her new friend’s eyes. Suddenly it all came together in her mind. She finally realized why Abby had risked everything to save this person, even though he had caused so much suffering for her. She truly loved him. 

Abby was a good friend. 

Kuki felt a needle prick her heart. A good friend. That’s all she ever wanted to be. She used to meet people daily, be surrounded by others, their smiles, their laughs, their hopes and dreams. Kuki loved everyone and was loved by everyone, or so she thought. In high school it became clear that the people she thought were her friends sucked out a lot of her time and energy, while offering very little in return. After a while, they abandoned her altogether. The needle pricked again. She knew that she and Hoagie went to the same school, yet she never bothered to seek him out or to talk to him. He had always been kind to her, so why couldn’t she have done that simple thing? 

Was she too shallow? 

Abby had traveled hundreds of thousands of miles to find Nigel Uno. Kuki complained to herself that she was lonely, that she wanted friends, that she didn’t think anyone really cared about her besides Wally. But Hoagie was always nice to her, so why? Why had she ignored him all this time? And then today, she had the audacity to judge him? To tell him what was moral. Even if he wasn’t in the right, what she did was wrong. She knew it as soon as she did it. Was it for attention? To gain moral high ground? She didn’t really know. 

Kuki picked the Rainbow Monkey off the floor. It felt heavy, like stone. She sulked out of the room. Abby didn’t say anything, understanding that whatever was happening wasn’t any of her business. 

Kuki went back to another room, plopping the doll down on the bed. 

She was the worst. 

Kani. I can’t miss my therapy appointment. I need to refill my prescription. You can take the girls to the amusement park without me. 

Three months, six different medicine cocktails. Each one made her mother more and more cold towards her. Eventually, she would stay up all night working, all weekend working. People would stop coming over for leisure and only for business. 

Successful people are never happy. They make themselves successful because they are unhappy. If they became happy, there would no longer be a need to be successful. And success, Kuki, is the only way people will remember that you existed on this planet. Not happiness. Otherwise, you’ll disappear. You don’t want that, do you? 

Kuki buried her head in the pillow. 

Perhaps we should take her to a psychiatrist. 

Kuki. Stop messing around. You have to focus. Dr. Reiner is trying to make you better. You can’t behave like a child for the rest of your life. No one who collects dolls has ever become the CEO of a company. It’s absolutely absurd. 

I think we should consider concerta. A small dose. Just to see if it makes a difference. 

Kuki. Your weight problem is not because of the medicine. You must try harder. You are supposed to set the example for your sister. Look at you. You don’t even wear makeup to school anymore. You’ll never be able to impress anyone, and you’ll regret it for the rest of your life. 

We’re raising your dosage to 36mg. daily. Please do not forget to take your medicine this time. 

Take these dietary supplements to help ease the hunger. I know it’s hard, but this diet is exactly what you need to get your life in order.

Get your body in order. 

Get your mind in order.

Don’t be a disappointment. 

Don’t be average. 

Tears soaked the pillow. 

She was the worst. 

Nigel’s head started to move as his eyes fluttered open. He yawned, stretching up, nearly whacking Abby in the face. He quickly retracted his arm, mortified that me may have hit his friend. Abby just laughed. 

“Mornin’.” 

“G-Good morning.” He scratched his head. “What happened? I fell asleep and...” Suddenly he saw the bandage on his finger. “Huh? What? Numbuh 5! I’ve been probed!” 

“Relax, Baby,” Abby leaned back down. “It’s just a blood sample. Nobody’s got your DNA except us.” 

Nigel pouted, still uncomfortable with the situation. He scratched his elbow. “Where is everyone?” 

“Dunno.” 

“Well, call them in!” Nigel climbed off of her. “We have to find the cure!” He paused. “Uh, Numbuh 5? What exactly is the cure for?” 

Abby chuckled. “You haven’t changed.” 

Nigel blushed. “H-huh?” 

“All work and no play. Just like I remember,” Abby said, almost talking to herself now. “It’s almost too good to be true.” 

“What do you mean, Abby?” Nigel tilted his head to the side. “Aren’t we still friends in the future?” 

Abby’s smile twitched. “Of course. It’s just...” she tried hard to find an excuse. She didn’t want to break the kid’s heart by telling him the truth about what was happening. Nigel would go crazy if he knew something like this was in his future. “It’s been a long time since Numbuh 5’s been, well, Numbuh 5.” 

“Don’t worry!” Nigel stood to his feet. “Whatever evil plan Father is up to I’m sure we’ll find a way to stop him! And then we’ll get our team back! Exactly the way it’s supposed to be!” He flipped his sunglasses down over his eyes, which had been made crooked by the sleeping position he was in. “You’ve done a great job. You’re a real leader, Abby.” 

Abby blushed, averting her eyes. “You think so, huh?” 

“Well, duh!” He pointed his finger up into the air, his wide smile shining through. “They may be teenagers, but they still know how to fight for what’s right! They all trust you. I know it!” 

“Nigel...” She wanted him to stop. 

“So you won’t let them down! I know you won’t! You trained me, after all, and I’m the greatest Kids Next Door operative in the Universe!” 

“Whoa. Hey now. Slow yo’ roll, Kid.” Something was sticking in the back of Abby’s mind. Sure, Nigel knew he was great, but that seemed presumptuous even for him. “How bout you start small and work your way up to greatest in the Universe.” 

Nigel laughed, scratching his ear. 

That’s when the door busted open. Kuki stood there, panting and babbling, not making any sense. Abby could make out only two words:

“...come...now...” 

Nigel lead the charge into Kuki’s room, pulling out a weapon that Abby was certain he didn’t have before. It was a S.P.I.C.E.R.II. Were there weapons on the ship? They entered the room. 

“Holy mother of...” Abby couldn’t finish her sentence as she stared at a giant red Rainbow Monkey, which had grown from its normal size to the top of the ceiling. Kuki quivered. 

Nigel gasped. “Whoa! It’s Gihugic!! That’s so cool!” His eyes sparkled with excitement. Abby gave him a knowing smirk. The boy flushed. “Y-you know...for a girl...” 

“A-A-Abby I don’t like this,” Kuki backed away. 

“What happened?” 

“I fell asleep,” Kuki explained. “And when I woke up it had grown into...” She waved her arms. “Well, look at it!” 

“Alright! Nobody panic! I’ll handle this,” Nigel said, holding his hand out. He approached the stuffed animal, poking it with his weapon. It didn’t move. “Huh.” Nigel turned around confidently. “There. You see? there’s nothing to be frightened of. It’s just a cute, innocent...Rainbow...” As he spoke, he could see his friend’s faces widening in horror as the rainbow monkey started to move forward. Kuki screamed as Abby ran in front of her to protect her. “Okay! Now you can panic!!” 

The Rainbow Monkey lifted its arm out, crawling on its hands and knees towards Kuki, attempting to grab her. Abby knocked it away as Nigel used the S.P.I.C.E.R.II. to shoot the creature’s arm off. Kuki jumped as she saw the wall of fire burst forth from the tiny gun. 

Cripes! These kids didn’t mess around!

“Numbuh 3! Are you okay?” 

Kuki nodded. As soon as the arm fell off, it started to move back toward the plush, stitching itself back on like some kind of magical Frankenstein’s monster. Kuki screamed again as Abby dragged her outside. Nigel followed. However, due to its plush body, the monster was able to squeeze through the doorway with little issue. 

“Aww man. This is it, isn’t it?” Kuki trembled. “We’re gonna die, aren’t we? I should have known not to trust strange Rainbow Monkeys! I thought that all Rainbow Monkeys were kind and loving and loved sharing and barbecues, but I was wrong! I was very very wrong! Wally will be so pissed! He’ll just say I told you so...like that. In that voice he does. Oohh! I hate it when he does that!” 

“Numbuh 3! Get ahold of yourself!” Nigel shouted. Kuki shut up. “Who do you think we are, some random kids from up the block? No!” He pumped his chest. “We’re the Kids Next Door! Some raggedy monster toy isn’t going to stop us!” His sunglasses flashed as Kuki watched him, hypnotized. “I’ll take care of this guy. Numbuh 5!” 

“Numbuh 1!” Abby saluted to her leader. 

“Go find Numbuhs 2 and 4! Then meet me on the top floor of the space station.” 

“Roger.” She turned and sprinted the opposite direction. 

“Abby!” Kuki called. 

“Numbuh 3!” Nigel held out his hand. “You’re with me.” His smile was determined as his brown eyes appeared from above his tilted sunglasses. “Let’s go.” Kuki nodded and grabbed his tiny hand. He sprinted off with Kuki the opposite direction as Abby. Despite not knowing him at all, she felt safe in this kid’s company. 

Thump Thump Thump Thump. 

It had happened a few times. The first time, Wally was certain it was just his imagination. The second, he figured it was the kid. It was the third time that he began to get suspicious and by the fourth, he was downright annoyed. 

Thump thump thump. 

Wally followed the noise of the footsteps, which seemed to be coming from the floor above them. He grimaced. That asshole had some nerve showing his face at a time like this. He wondered if they would ever be able to catch a break. It wasn’t that he didn’t have faith that the mission would succeed. Abby was skilled enough for all of them and if they put their heads together, the others and himself weren’t so bad. There was something eerie about this situation though, a kind of aura around that abandoned space station and strange purple planet which felt uneasy. He couldn’t put his finger on it, but it was different than before. Kuki had thought the Moon Base was haunted. Could it be that this place was where the real ghosts were? Wally laughed at himself for even thinking such a stupid thing. 

Thump thump thump thump thump 

Aha! There it was again. He knew it wasn’t his imagination. He climbed up to the third floor, however like the other two, he scoured the whole thing and could not find the source of the noise. He finally reached the very top floor and when the noise still sounded as though it was coming from above, he decided to investigate further. There was a small ladder which lead into an operating section of the station. Without anything to lose, he readied himself and climbed up, determined to find out who or what was causing this mess. 

The halls were narrower, the ceiling just above his height. He had never been so grateful to be a late bloomer. He looked up and around, stilly listening for the noise. Suddenly!

Thump thump thump thump thump thump

It wasn’t coming from above him, nor below him. Rather it moved from his left and got quieter, as if to run away not to run across. Gotcha! Wally thought excitedly. He ran around the corner but saw nothing. The thumping happened again, louder than before. He was going the right direction. 

“Hey!” He called out. When he turned the corner once more, he could see a short, shadowed figure stopping to look at him before taking off again. “Hey! Wait!” Wally chased the figure down the passageways, which appeared to get narrower and narrower the longer he followed them. “I wanna talk to ya!” The figure was very short, way too short to be an adult. A kid, maybe? That made sense. Abby was saying that the aliens at the G:KND were all kids. It could have been a spy. Who could tell at this point? 

He caught up enough to see the kid’s white leg, humanlike, skate around the next corner. He had him now. 

“Hey! Kid!” He called after him again, picking up his speed. He rocketed around through the metal corridors, his own feet thudding louder than the kid’s now. “Come back here you brat!” As he started to gain on it, he noticed the child wearing an orange t-shirt. He was tiny, only about six or maybe seven years in earth age. Who knows how old that was in space time? His blonde hair was flat against his tiny head. “I said...” Wally reached out, gripping the kid’s hand and turning him around. “Wait up--” 

Wally stared into the hazel eyes of the child, sparkling with fear and innocence. He felt as though his body was sinking into the ground.

“J-Joey?” 

Wham! The kid’s leg smacked into his shin, breaking free of his grasp and taking off in the opposite direction. 

“Joey!” 

It was him alright. He was the spitting image of Wally, with a few defining features to set him apart. He started running towards his brother again, calling out to him. 

Abby felt like her chest would burst as she went down to the lowest floor in the space station. Where the hell could they be? She had checked nearly every other floor, with no avail. She was about to give up and go back to Kuki and Nigel when she saw a large blue and grey blob walking out of a room. 

Thank god.

“Hoagie!” She called to him, unable to keep her calm in the situation. 

Hoagie turned to her, surprised to see her having come all this way just to find him. “What’s up?” 

“We have to leave...” she finally spit out, panting all the way. 

“Now? Why? Did something happen with Nigel?” 

“No, but...” she sat up, finding her breath. “Kuki’s Rainbow Monkey. It grew up to the ceilin’ and then came alive and started attackin’ her! Somebody’s after us. We gotta get outta here!” 

Hoagie blinked for a moment but didn’t seem too worried. “Her Rainbow Monkey came alive?” 

“This is no time to be skeptical!” 

“Not skeptical, just curious,” he said. “Anyway, I wouldn’t worry too much about it. I don’t think these hallucinations can cause any real damage.” 

“H-Hallucinations?” Abby was confused. 

Hoagie nodded. “I’m guessing it’s a result of that purple gas coming from the nearby planet.” 

“You...” Abby was a bit dumbfounded by his serenity. “What are you talkin’ about?” She walked up and grabbed him by the arm. Getting closer, she squinted her eyes. “What happened to your rash? Never mind! We gotta go!” She let go of his arm. 

“Relax. If you’re really worried about Kuki just explain that what she’s experiencing is nothing more than a figment of her imagination. It should go away.”

“Uh-huh, and if it doesn’t? If it is real and that giant monster eats her? Then what?” 

Hoagie began to snicker, and then started laughing as he started to walk past her down the hallway. “Eats her? Don’t be stupid, Abigail.” 

“Who you callin’ stupid?” Abby growled. 

“It’s a Rainbow Monkey.”

“So?!” 

“So, don’t Rainbow Monkeys only eat birthday cake?” He stuck his hands in his pockets. “I’m sure she’ll be just fine.” 

Abby froze as he continued to walk. “What did you say?” 

“I said she’ll be fine. So you shouldn’t worry so m-” 

“No,” She interrupted, her voice quiet, as though she were solving some complicated puzzle. “You said Rainbow Monkeys only eat birthday cake.” 

Hoagie stopped. 

“How do you know that?” 

“What do you mean?” 

“I mean, you didn’t even know what a Rainbow Monkey was earlier-” She was breathing heavier and heavier. “So how could you possibly know that?” 

“Kuki told me-”

“When?” Abby’s voice was stern. 

“A little bit ago,” Hoagie turned back around, his voice getting concerned. “Abby, are you okay? You look sick. Maybe you should go lie down.” 

“Last I saw you n’ Kuki weren’t on the best terms,” she spat. “Last I saw you were barely speakin’ to each other.” 

“I think you’re overthinking this,” Hoagie stated. “Kuki freaks out about stupid stuff all the time.”

“She wasn’t the one freakin’ out.” 

“Okay so what-.” 

“Don’t you have an itch...?” 

“Abby-” 

“Who are you?” She glared into his eyes fiercely. 

The oxygen was being sucked out of the air as they stood there, staring at each other. 

Hoagie smiled. 

...TRANSMISSION INTERRUPTED

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Prescription drug abuse (including self-medication), depression, anxiety, and body shaming.


	3. H.A.Z.E. (PART TWO)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things take a turn for the bizarre as things continue to go haywire on the mysterious space station. Not all mysteries have explanations...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: See "end notes" for content.

Now Loading...

Code: [RESTRICTED]

Operation H.A.Z.E. (PART TWO)

Happenings  
Arouse   
Zany   
Experiences

Written by OfficiallyWrong with properties owned by Tom Warburton  
and Cartoon Network

Location: Unknown

RESUMING TRANSMISSION...

Episode 9

“Joey!” 

No answer. 

“Joey!” Wally frantically ran deeper and deeper into what he assumed was the attic of the old space station. “Why are you running? It’s me!” When he ran a certain direction, he saw the child out of the corner of his eye, always running the opposite way. He was about to go mad. “It’s Wally!” 

There was still no response from the child. Wally was starting to run out of breath. 

“C’mon. It’s not safe here. Lemmie take you downstairs.” 

Why?

Why was he here? 

How did he get up here? 

Was he an alien in disguise? Was he a hallucination? Wally couldn’t think straight anymore. What was real? All he knew was that he had to catch up with him. Real or not, he wasn’t about to let go of his brother again. He stopped for a moment to catch his breath, panting as he slid down the metal wall. All he wanted was a cigarette. Something normal for once. As he sat to catch his breath, he noticed the child peering around the corner, just looking at him with sad eyes. 

“Hey!” Wally said, startling Joey into running again. He sank back down. Dammit. He needed to learn how to control his reactions. He tried to listen for the kid’s footsteps again but couldn’t make anything out. That’s when the floor beneath him began to shake. 

What the hell? 

He looked below, then ahead, trying to decide what to do. He heard blasting coming from below followed by more heavy footsteps. Shit! Were they under attack? Why had no one come for him? Dammit! He took one last look at the empty corridor. 

This blew. 

Wally climbed back down to see Kuki and the Nigel Uno kid running for their lives. His girlfriend called out to him but didn’t stop running. He looked to see where the source of the terror was. 

“WHAT THE HELL?!” 

“Who are you?” Abby demanded, her eyes steady and fixed on what she was certain was an impersonator’s face. 

Hoagie smiled. “What do you mean?” 

But Abby wouldn’t have it. She yanked out her S.C.A.M.P.P. and aimed it towards his face. “I ain’t playin’.” 

Hoagie lifted his hands in the air. “Okay! Okay! I’m sorry. Could you please just put the gun down? You’re making me nervous.”

“That’s the idea,” She growled. “Imma ask again. Who the hell are you?” 

The impostor laughed awkwardly. “I mean...who really is anyone?” Abby tightened her grip and started to aim. “Okay, you’re right. I’m not Hoagie Gilligan.” It looked up for a moment, as though thinking things through. “But I’m not...not him either?”

Abby scowled. “The hell does that mean?” 

“What I said before is the truth,” it said. “These apparitions, they’re just that. This planet, I don’t know how, but it can change electricity into matter, reproducing brainwave activity to create real tangible forms.” 

Abby shook her head. “What?!” 

“C’mon, Abby. You really think anything we’ve come across the last few days makes sense? This is just as plausible as poisonous vegetables or being able to breathe in space, don’t you think?” It shrugged. “Anyway, it’s not my hypothesis.” 

Abby didn’t put down her gun. “Where is Numbuh 2?” 

“I don’t know,” 

Abby took a menacing step forward. “I don’t believe you-” 

“I’m serious!” It backed away. “When he saw me, he ran off somewhere like he was gonna wet himself. Although...I wasn’t convinced I was the copy until just now.” It adjusted its glasses. “Since I have memories that he doesn’t.” 

Abby lowered her weapon. “What memories?” 

Its face turned red. “About, y’know. The Kids Next Door, flying airplanes, fighting bad guys, Rainbow Monkeys...” it paused. “You.” It smiled again, even wider than before. 

The weapon dropped to the ground. “Impossible. H-how could-” 

“I don’t know. It could be that I acquired some of your memories while I was created.” Its hands grabbed onto Abby’s excitedly. “Isn’t this great? Now we can hang out just like we used to!” 

“Numbuh...2?” 

“Don’t even lie, Numbuh 5. I know you missed my jokes.” 

Abby shook her head, a smile forcing itself onto her lips. “Y-You’re lying.” She bit her lip. First Nigel, now this? She was sick of the mind games. “You couldn’t possibly remember.” 

It pouted. “You know, Numbuh 5. I don’t deserve this pun-ishment.” 

“That’s not funny.” 

“Aww. I thought it was pretty good.” 

Abby returned to silence. “Just like a memory...” she whispered. “You, Nigel, y’all are fuckin’ with Abby’s head.” 

“I’d say because we’re all made of the same material, it doesn’t really matter in the end.” 

“Stop it.”

“Seriously,” the apparition’s voice softened. “I want to help you. These teenagers, they have no idea what they’re doing here. They just want to save their families. They can’t survive out here, Numbuh 5, think about it.” It lifted her hands slightly. “I remember everything. Let me go instead.” 

Abby’s eyes widened. “What?” 

“We can save Numbuh 1. We don’t have to put anyone else in danger.” It looked down. “No one has to get hurt. No one else has to suffer. We can pick up where we left off. Isn’t that what you want?” 

There was a long pause as Abby tried to collect herself. 

“I-” The ceiling shook, snapping Abby out of her shock. “I gotta go.” 

“Numbuh 5...” 

She broke away from the figure. “Don’t call me that.” 

“I’m sorry...” It corrected itself. “Abby.” 

She began to walk away, but as she noticed it trail her she shouted. “Don’t follow me!” 

The apparition stopped. 

“Just...don’t.” She kept going around the corner, stopping only for a moment to catch her breath. She clutched her chest, her nose starting to twitch. Pulling off her hat, she brushed her hair back and flipped it, so the brim was facing forward. 

The apparition, what it had been known to the others as, watched as she left the scene. Snatching Abby’s weapon and swinging it over its shoulder, it pulled off its backpack, unzipping it. Its eyes narrowed as it pulled out Tommy’s cap and goggles, fondling it in its fingers. 

That was easy. 

“Now...” it said, its voice dropping to the base of its range. “Where did you run off to?” 

“Kuki!”

Wally ran as quickly as he could down the hall, trying to catch up with the massive creature who was attacking his girlfriend. He didn’t have a weapon with him. Shit. What was he going to do? 

“Numbuh 4!” the tiny Nigel shouted. 

“Oh great,” he spat. “You again.” 

He caught up to the kid as blasts from the S.P.I.C.E.R.II fired into the air. The Rainbow Monkey slowed down, reacting to it like King Kong to an aerial strike. He tried to talk to Kuki, but she was screaming too loud for him to get anything to her. 

“What the bloody hell is goin’ on?” He shouted as they ran. 

“It’s a trap!” Nigel panted. “Father probably sent the Rainbow Monkey to attack us, so we don’t catch wind of his plans!” 

Wally’s eyes could not go further into his head if they tried. He knew Abby wanted to keep the truth a secret from the kid, but now he was talking as if he actually knew what was going on. 

“It’s not Father, you moron!” he finally yelled. “We’re in outer-space! In the middle’a butt-fuck nowhere!” 

“Wally! Language!” Kuki, despite still being in a panic, managed to nag. 

“Oh! So now you can hear me!” Wally spat annoyed as they rounded the corner. “Well, guess who was right about the bloody stuffed animal!” 

“I know! I know! I’m sorry!” 

“This wouldn’ta happened if you had just listened to me!” 

“I’m sorry!” 

“Knock it off, you two!” Nigel said. “We need to work together as a team if we’re gonna get out of this!” He looked around, noticing a small closet. “There!” Nigel slid into the closet, Kuki and Wally following suit. The door slammed shut. He wiped his brow. “Phew!” he said in the darkness. “That should buy us some time.” 

Wally felt his body scrunched up against the wall. “Oh great. Wonderful. This is exactly how I wanted to spend my day. Stuck in a closet with some kid.” There was a loud pounding at the door, followed by a deep and angry cry coming from outside. He groaned. “And now I gotta pee again!” 

“Do it in here, and you’re sleeping in my armpit,” Kuki stated. 

“Aww. You guys haven’t changed at all!” Nigel beamed. 

“Shut up!” they shouted simultaneously, their faces bright red. 

The whirring continued, yet no other sounds could be heard. That mechanical buzz, like white noise, hummed around the cool white tile of the floor. There was a knock on the door, not that it mattered. It would be opened regardless. No one answered but the figure stepped in anyway. It raised its eyebrows at the pair of shoes which were thoughtlessly discarded in the middle of the floor. 

“Hoagie...” it called, peeking beneath the first stall. It saw nothing, no feet under any of the stalls, no shadows either. It grinned. It knew that a good hider always moved location. “You can’t keep doing this. Sooner or later, you’re gonna have to come out.” There was no response from the room. “I’m just doing what you wanted, and now you’re acting like I’m the bad guy. That’s not fair.” It knocked on the first stall door. “Knock knock!” No answer. “You have to say who’s there, Hoagie, or else the joke doesn’t work.” It knocked again. “Knock knock.” Still no response. The figure sighed. “Fine.” 

It whipped out the S.C.A.M.P.P. it got from Abigail Lincoln and blasted the lock off the door, kicking it open. There was no one there. 

It laughed through its nose. “You don’t like knock knock jokes anymore? How about this one?” It leaned on the second stall. “Why did the chicken cross the road?” 

More silence. 

“Oh, come on. This one’s a classic.” 

Still nothing. 

“Why did the chicken cross the road?” Pause. “To get to the other side!” It snorted as it howled with laughter at the obvious punchline. “A lot of people don’t really get why that joke is funny. They think it’s just a play of expectation.” It was clearly taking its time, not worrying about missing its target. “But you and I, we know better, don’t we?” It chortled again. “See, it’s funny because the chicken crosses the road. And maybe it makes it, but maybe it doesn’t. Maybe it gets hit by a car on the way there. Some asshole’s not paying attention and SPLAT!” The second door swung open. This stall, too, was empty. “Now maybe that chicken was just stupid and wasn’t watching where it was going, but I think we know what really happened.” Click. Its ears perked. “I mean the joke isn’t what happened when the chicken crossed the road, am I right?” 

It walked to the third stall. There were five in total. 

“The other side, Hoagie. The other side! Isn’t that funny?” Pause. Sigh. “I wonder what that chicken was thinking. I wonder if he had all his feathers plucked out as a chick and that’s why it wants to cross.” 

It kicked lightly on the door of the third stall. 

“Or maybe that joke is about some poor useless human who just wanted attention. And maybe he’s spent his whole life pacing up and down the sidewalk waiting for the exact moment to cross but chickened out each time because he’s a fucking loser!” Slam! The hinges of the door smacked against the other wall of the stall. 

It walked around to the second to last stall. This one, surprisingly, was unlocked. 

“I expected better of you, Hoagie,” it said. “I really did. This should have ended days ago. And yet, here I am. Doing your dirty work.” It pushed the door open, slowly this time. At that exact moment, another door opened, but it was in such tandem that the searching figure did not notice. A bare foot slid out from behind it. “Well, I’m done now. It’s time to end this wild goose chase. That’s the thing about chickens...sooner or later they gotta come home to roost.” 

WHAM! 

This blow was not from the figure, but from the shadow standing behind it. Painting and drenched in sweat, Hoagie Gilligan watched as the creature who possessed his appearance landed face down into the toilet. He shook furiously as the water started to stain red. Hoagie lowered his pipe, which he had screwed off of a line he had found when hiding in the lower level. The top of it was splashed with blood. Stripping the backpack off the body, Hoagie searched frantically through it. 

Where was it?

It had to be here.

A-ha! 

“Whatcha lookin’ for?” A voice, which sounded identical to his own asked. He spun around. The eyes he was glaring into were his own, and yet there was a darkness to them, a dull resolution, almost as though the life had been completely sucked out of them. 

“Stay back!” 

The doppelgänger tilted its head to look at the body. “You really did a number on him.” It grinned. “But which number? Number one or number two?” 

“I know what you are,” Hoagie hissed. He held up the pill bottle that he was digging for. He opened the bottle, popping two tiny white pills in his mouth. “You can’t touch me. All I have to do is wait, and you’ll disappear. So don’t even bother.” 

“Ouch.” The doppelgänger shook its head. “And here I thought we could be friends.” It reached its hand out to Hoagie, but he moved back further. “To think you would go to such extremes just to stay in this world you hate.” It adjusted its glasses. “A world that hates you.” 

Hoagie picked up his weapon defensively. “D-Don’t come any closer.” 

“Grandma must be so proud,” it said. “You’re finally acting like a man.” 

Hoagie’s face flushed with mortification and anger. His hand gripped around the pipe, which felt smaller than before. He looked at it. The blood was still there, the exact same place, only it wasn’t a pipe in his hand. It was an old lady’s walking cane. He released it immediately, allowing it to crash to the floor. His heart was beating so fast, he could hear it in his head. Nothing else got through to him. He slowly turned around to look back at the body. 

The first doppelgänger had vanished, replaced with another form. White hair. Blue dress. Humped back. The old woman lay helpless with her face down in the toilet. Hoagie fell to the floor, a great invisible weight pushing down on him relentlessly. Two large hands placed themselves on his shoulders. “Feel’s good, doesn’t it?” Its cheek pressed against Hoagie’s temple, its hand pushing him in from the other side. “Poor little chicken. All alone. All his feathers plucked. He should have been eaten long ago.” 

Hoagie was paralyzed. He couldn’t think anymore. What was he trying to do? Why was he even here? “That’s not true,” he managed to say. Although, he wasn’t even sure at this point why he did. It just seemed like the correct thing to say.

The doppelgänger stood up, picking up the cane from the ground. “That Abigail Lincoln? She was willing to drop you like a hot potato as soon as she found out about me. Looks like you really are Numbuh 2.” Hoagie didn’t say anything. “You can’t fix the recommissioning module, you can’t fight, you can’t do anything useful. Of course she would pick me over you.” 

“I know. I know, but...” 

“And now Kuki knows everything. You think she’s just gonna just forgive you? She never even liked you. Nobody likes you.” 

Hoagie couldn’t find a response to this. 

It shook its head. “Please pay attention to me, please laugh at my jokes, please don’t leave me...” The doppelgänger began to make chicken noises as Hoagie hung his heads in defeat. “No matter what you do, the result is always the same.” 

Hoagie closed his eyes. “Just breathe...breathe...” 

The doppelgänger smiled. “You never learn your lesson.” 

“Tommy...just focus on Tommy...” 

“Tommy...” It spat. “It’s always about Tommy. You’re always putting it off for Tommy! What did that brat ever do for you? Why do I have to keep suffering because of your guilt!”

Hoagie felt a slight breeze against his cheek. His eye opened enough to see a swish of silver dance across his face. On instinct, he moved away, covering his head. He could hear his own laughter echoing in his ears as his body shook. 

“I’m not afraid of you...” he cried quietly. “I’m an adult.” 

Cool metal brushed up against his arm, causing him to freeze in terror. The doppelgänger was saying some other things, but Hoagie had stopped paying attention, his breathing was getting too loud. He could, however, hear the crashing of glass from the above mirror, falling over him like a hailstorm. First one, then another. He didn’t look up. Something was kicking his back, but again he had blocked out most of the voices. His mind spiraled as he buried himself deeper and deeper until-

“It’s that man’s fault,” the voice said. 

At that, Hoagie looked up. 

Tommy’s cap and goggles were thrown down onto the ground. “He leaves you with this piece of junk and expects that to be enough. Some great hero...” 

“Wait...what are you doing?” 

A darkness like never before rose over the doppelgänger’s face as it pointed Abby’s S.C.A.M.P.P. at the tiny cap. “Abandoning piece of shit. You deserved to get shot.” 

A green light flashed, breaking the yellow plastic of the goggles and shooting right through the fabric. 

“Stop!” Hoagie stood, grabbing the gun out of the replica’s hand, which continued to fire. His feet ached, shards of glass from the floor cutting into his skin, causing trails of blood when he walked. He scooped up his brother’s cap. The stitching was coming undone. Half of the material was charred, the plastic cracked, and the strap snapped. 

A sharp pain suddenly shocked through his head, knocking him to the ground. “Get up,” a voice said, blurring together with the white noise. “You’re a man, aren’t ya? Get up and fight me!” The cane came down again followed by a swift kick in the stomach. “You wanna save people? You want people to like you? Be a man and fight!” His stomach lurched, but he was able to swallow back any fluid that came forward. The cane moved up and down, up and down. There was no end in sight. 

“I am in control of my thoughts. I am in control of my thoughts-” he whispered. 

“That won’t work, Hoagie!” The cane came down harder. Hoagie covered his head with his arms. 

I am in control of my thoughts. 

I am in control of my thoughts.

None of this is real.

It’s all a bad dream. 

Just a dream.

The beating continued. 

I am in control of my thoughts.

I am in control of my thoughts. 

I am in control of my thoughts.

I am in control of my thoughts. 

I’m sorry. 

I’m sorry. 

I’m sorry. 

I’m sorry. 

I’m sorry. 

Forgive me. 

I’m sorry. 

Somehow, it finally stopped. A cool breeze tickled his toes. Hoagie sat up to find the bathroom empty, with nothing but the pipe, S.C.A.M.P.P., goggles, and shattered glass as a reminder of the creature who once stood there. 

He wanted to scream but couldn’t find the voice. 

Instead, he pulled left foot up over his right knee, cringing at the shards of glass that were stuck in them. He didn’t have tweezers, but he figured he could pick out the large pieces as best as he could with his fingers. It worked, although with additional cuts to his finger pads as a consequence. The cold bathroom floor really did feel like an icebox. The memory of that floor resurfaced, the cool comforting tile floor from his childhood drenched with salt and sweat. He picked the glass out of his right foot before struggling to stand. Stripping off his jacket, he did some damage control. Purple and black bruises pulsed all over his body. His glasses were crooked and cracked. In the shards left in the mirror he could make out one large splotch on his eye, and a trickle of blood coming down from his forehead. The balls and heels of his feet stung. 

The faucet turned on, water coming out like an oasis in a desert. Hoagie splashed it over his face and neck, being as gentle as he could. He took off his hat and ran the water through his hair. Swirls of blood washed down the sink. The faucet turned off and Hoagie padded his face with his relatively clean sweatshirt. He slid his glasses forward. 

The sweatshirt dropped to the floor. 

He saw his face staring back at him in an un-shattered reflection, turning as he turned. There was a red splotch on the side of his neck, but that was the only thing that appeared visible besides a normal, albeit terrified, healthy-looking face. Hoagie looked down at his arms, which were clear of any sign of injury apart from a series of scratches and scars which were there before. Hoagie tensed as he pulled down the sleeves of his over-shirt, covering them. He picked up the sweatshirt, the pins and needles still sticking into his feet as he walked, but not showing any remnants of protrusion. The glass no longer decorated the floor but was back on the walls catching it all in its gaze. 

His shoes and socks were lying abandoned in the middle of the room. 

The doors to the bathroom stalls were closed.

He rocked his feet back and forth, still swearing he could feel the shards inside them. 

His arms slipped through his sweatshirt one at a time. 

The ceiling shook. 

Hoagie’s eye caught the cap and goggles. He exhaled sharply. These, unlike everything else, were still in shambles. He picked them up, looking at them in their mangled state. He closed his eyes, trying to imagine them repaired. 

But when he opened them, nothing happened. 

A puff of air came out of his nose, the corners of his mouth twisting upward. His chest grew warm with a tickle. He giggled, unable to stop himself. He looked at his face in the mirror, unable to do anything but laugh. It wasn’t a comforting laugh, nor was it a laugh of relief. He honestly didn’t know what it was. What was beneath it felt like nothing. Not pain, not catharsis, nor joy. Just emptiness. 

He stuffed the goggles and cap in his pocket, despite the broken plastic. 

The ceiling shook again. 

The bottle went back into his pocket. 

Hoagie put on his shoes. 

Abby scoured the area looking for her friends. Kuki had disappeared, Wally was nowhere to be found, and who knew if the real Hoagie was even around? Hallucinations. She shook her head. Could that be true? Nigel had come up with a story as to why he was there but couldn’t remember how he arrived. He didn’t remember anything...nothing except what she remembered. She had come across some strange ideas in her day, some things that would explode the minds of most teens her age. But this, this was unlike anything she had encountered. Abby was beginning to wonder if this mission was more than even she could handle. 

That’s when she saw it. The Rainbow Monkey had ripped off the door of a closet and was reaching inside. She could hear Wally screaming at it, Kuki’s cry of desperation, and Numbuh 1’s failure to do anything to stop it. If they continued, would this be what they would have to face? She couldn’t think about it right now. Nestled in the monster’s forearm, a squirming Kuki shouted and wailed. Abby reached for her gun, but her hands only grasped air. 

Fuck. 

“Leggo’a her you dumb ape!” Wally cried, trying without much success to climb up the creature’s arm. 

“Numbuh 5!” Nigel called. “We could use some help!” The kid was picked up by the Rainbow Monkey and tossed away. Thankfully, because he was a trained operative, Nigel Uno landed on his feet. “Don’t just stand there!” 

Abby wracked her brain on what to do. Suddenly a green flash of light rocketed through the air, causing everyone to freeze. 

“Where the hell have you been?” Wally bemoaned the disheveled Hoagie P. Gilligan Jr., who had finally made it back to the scene. 

Abby sized him up. He looked different, less put-together than before and slightly spaced out. The rash was also back, but that didn’t mean anything. The fact that he was wielding her S.C.A.M.P.P. was also suspect. She watched him as he walked up to her. She grimaced. “If you think I’m lettin’ you one step closer into that fight...” 

Hoagie didn’t say anything. He unstrapped the gun and handed it to Abby, who snatched it back. 

“Gimmie that,” she snarled. “Your aim sucks anyway.” She wasn’t about to be tricked by him again. And even if it wasn’t the doppelgänger, she was still pissed at the real Hoagie for taking off when she needed him. She went to fire the S.C.A.M.P.P. but Hoagie put his hand on the top of the weapon, stopping her. 

“Don’t,” he said. He was watching the Rainbow Monkey the entire time, the same scene Abby was seeing. “It won’t work.” He took a step forward, but Abby ran in front of him, the S.C.A.M.P.P. pointed directly at his chest. 

“Don’t even think about it.” 

Hoagie didn’t flinch. He didn’t even really have a reaction, which even though Abby wouldn’t admit it, shook her down to the core. He didn’t say a word to her but kept walking past. It was as though he knew that she wasn’t going to shoot him. No, that she couldn’t shoot him. Abby lowered her weapon in defeat. There was something different in his eyes, a darkness she couldn’t explain. It could have been because Numbuh 2 always had his face covered, his eyes were never in direct contact with hers. But she swore that even if she could see them, they never looked at her the way Hoagie’s did in that moment. 

What happened? 

Hoagie pushed past Abby and walked over toward the Rainbow Monkey. The dullness in his eyes disappeared as he opened his mouth into a bright, warm smile. “Um...hi,” he said. “Hey.” The Rainbow Monkey turned to face him, standing nearly two and a half times his height when not bent over. It cried into his face, a battle cry, a ‘get away from me or I’ll kill you’ cry. “Whoa, it’s okay. It’s okay. Hey,” he tried to get the creature on his side. “I don’t wanna fight you.” He looked at Kuki, who was still screaming. The Rainbow Monkey, however, had stopped its aggressive stance for the time being. “You have my friend,” he said very simply. “Can I have her back please?” This was not met with cooperation as the Monkey hugged Kuki tighter. Hoagie frowned. “That’s not very good sharing.” He spoke to the Monkey as though it were a small child. 

“That’s your plan?” Wally berated from the sidelines. “You’re gonna give it a stern talking to?!” 

“Come on,” Hoagie continued. “You won’t make friends if you keep forcing people.” 

The beast looked down at Kuki, frowning before setting her down on the ground. As soon as she was free, Kuki ran into Wally’s arms. 

“That’s it. See?” 

The Monkey tried to go after her, but she slapped her hands over her ears. 

“No! Go away!” She screamed. “I don’t want you! I hate you! Leave me alone!” Just as the Monkey was about to get angry again, Hoagie ran up to it, grabbing the fur on its leg. 

“Stop!” he shouted. It didn’t work this time as the Monkey threw another temper tantrum. But the Rainbow Monkey knocked him back and went for Kuki once more, who had already bolted across the room to where Abby was. 

“Numbuh 2!” 

“Hoagie!” Abby started to run after him. 

“No! Stay where you are!” He shouted, standing to his feet. 

“Are you crazy! That monster almost ate Kuki!” Wally protested. 

“It’s not a monster,” he said. The Rainbow Monkey stopped and turned around, which surprised Hoagie for a moment. He swallowed. It looked at him, expectantly. Hoagie folded his hands together nervously but walked forward. “You’re not a monster, are you?” The creature turned so he was facing him. “You just grew a little bigger, that’s all. You’re still a Rainbow Monkey. Same material, you just have a little more stuffing than you did before. Hey, I get it.” He shrugged. Then he stopped. 

Suddenly, it clicked. 

His eyes wandered over to Kuki, who was cowering behind Abby’s gun with her hands over her face. 

“I get it,” he repeated under his breath for his own confirmation. “You used to be a lot smaller, huh?” The monkey looked at him with its big button eyes. “A lot of people liked you too. They gave you a lot of love, didn’t they?” He gave a bittersweet smile. “Things were pretty easy.” 

“The bloody hell-” Wally started, but Abby shushed him. 

“You got bigger. People weren’t as nice to you. But that’s not your fault. You shouldn’t be blamed for that.” Hoagie held out his hands as the Rainbow Monkey started to walk toward him, nodding his head. “You just need love, that’s all.” The Monkey, after hearing this, turned back around toward Kuki, who had stopped cowering and met its eyes. But Hoagie shook his head. “No, no. That...” His eyes met Kuki’s and then went back to the stuffed animal. “That might take a little time. You can’t make people love you. Trust me, I’ve tried. But that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve love.” His voice was sweet and sincere, but there was a melancholy to it that made it grounded. “And it doesn’t mean you should stop loving other people. Isn’t that what...Rainbow Monkeys do?” He looked at Abby. “That is what they do, right?” 

Abby called him an idiot with her smile. “That’s what they do.” 

“See? There you have it.” He opened his arms up to the plush toy. “So what do you say? Can we be friends again?” The Monkey was reluctant. “It’s okay. Come to Hoagie...” The Rainbow Monkey bent down and returned his embrace. 

Wally blushed. “I’m gonna puke.” 

He looked over at Nigel. The kid was standing in the corner, tears streaming down his face as though he had just seen the ending of the Titanic. And then, very loud and very off-key, he started to sing. “Rainbow Monkey, Rainbow Monkey! Oh so very round and super chunky!” He walked up to the doll. 

“What is happening?” Wally asked. 

“Just let him have this,” Abby stated, unable to stop smiling. 

“Spreading love wherever they go! Every one is made of a big rainboooooow! Oh red and orange, and pink, and blue!” Nigel ran up to Hoagie’s side. “Rainbow Monkey, Rainbow Monkey, I love you!” He wrapped his tiny hands around the creature’s leg. Abby turned back to check on Kuki, whose tears made an even bigger flood than Nigel’s. Her pupils were large and shiny, her nose red from her sniffling. 

“So that’s it.” Abby sighed with understanding. 

Kuki ran past Abby toward the giant stuffed animal, grabbing it before choking out the words to the song. “Rainbow Monkey, Rainbow Monkey I love you.” The creature saw Kuki and started to sob. There were no tears, but it wailed louder than any of the others. Abby slung the S.C.A.M.P.P. over her shoulder. 

“Well, that was fucking lame,” Wally stated. But Abby grabbed him by the arm and pulled him in. “Hey! No! I don’t wanna-” 

“Bitch, do it for the girl,” She whispered in his ear. The two of them joined the hug fest.

Wally’s eyes narrowed on Hoagie. “I hate you so much right now.” 

Hoagie smiled. “At least Kuki’s okay.” 

Wally looked over at his girlfriend, who was hugging the Rainbow Monkey and laughing through her tears. He sighed, a strong blush appearing over his cheeks. “Yeah. I guess.” His gaze went back to Hoagie. “But you’re a bitch.” 

The nerd flashed the punk a cheeky smile. “Yep,” he said, which only made Wally smile in return. 

Then, almost like the end of a video game level, the Rainbow Monkey started to shrink. It shrank almost to its original size, but it was still slightly bigger than it was initially. It fell into Hoagie’s hands. He stared at it. Its happy smile, its big round button eyes. It was hopelessly saccharine, pure and innocent. The image of Tommy flashed through his mind. He handed it over. 

“Here, Kuki,” he said. 

She took it, staring at it for a long time before looking up. “Hoagie-” 

“I’m gonna grab the recommissioning module before we take off,” He said bluntly, an overly pleasant look on his face. “I think I’m ready to get off this space station.” 

“Nice work, Numbuh 2!” Nigel said, saluting to him. “You really showed a lot of courage back there.” 

“Heh. Thanks, Kid. You weren’t so bad yourself.” He rubbed the child’s bald head before turning around and walking away. 

He wasn’t halfway down the hall when he heard footsteps racing after him. “Hey!” Abby said. She caught up to him at record speed. He was always impressed by her stamina. He didn’t stop walking. 

“We need to talk.” Abby was losing her breath as she chased him. He wasn’t walking that fast. It must have been something else that was causing her to lose energy.

“About?”

“That was impressive back there,” she began. “Almost like you knew that was gonna happen.” 

“Thanks?” 

“Cut the crap.” She nudged him slightly. “Don’t think I don’t remember our little run-in earlier.” He didn’t say anything. “Which one are you?” 

Hoagie looked confused for a second, but his eyes soon relaxed with recognition. “Does it make a difference?” 

Abby was dumbstruck. So much so that she forgot to walk for a couple paces, allowing him to get ahead of her. “Yes, it makes a difference!” She sped up, catching him again. “Why wouldn’t it make a difference?” 

Hoagie shrugged. “Either way you get what you want so-” 

“Excuse me.” That was enough. “Hey!” She grabbed his arm and spun him around. “I made a promise to get Hoagie Gilligan his brother back. I only made that promise to one person, understand? So if you’re not who you say you are--” 

“Abigail-” 

“It makes a difference.” She stated this as firmly as she could. 

“Okay.” 

There was silence. 

“What happened?” she asked. 

“I took care of it.” 

Abby blinked. “You took care of it? How?” 

“Not important. I took care of it. So don’t worry about it.” He continued to walk again. “I’m gonna get my stuff.” 

She watched him for a moment. “Do you need any hel-” 

“Abby.” He said. “I know we’re in a hurry, but I just want to be alone right now. Okay?” 

She stopped. “Okay.” 

It was the ‘Abby’ that threw her. She wasn’t one to get involved in people’s business. She wasn’t one to be invasive. He called her Abby. When the fake Hoagie did it, she didn’t react at all, but this felt different. This was unmistakable. She knew, perhaps by instinct or perhaps by experience, that this was no replica. She had no further reason to pursue him. She may as well leave him alone. But... “But can I-” she was surprised when he turned around. “Can I ask you somethin’?” Part of her was expecting him to say no. 

“Sure.” 

She felt her cheeks beginning to flush. “They’re not real, are they? Nigel...the other you...the Rainbow Monkey...are they really just hallucinations?” 

“I don’t think hallucination is the right word,” he replied. 

“Then the right word would be...” 

“I’m not sure there is one.” 

“Try.” 

He thought. “Eidolon.” 

“Eidolon,” she repeated, trying to understand. 

“They’re phantoms from Greek myth that take the form of people, living or dead. In this case, they’re more like things. Things we’ve forgotten...things we’ve repressed.” He looked up in reflection. “Your Nigel Uno, Kuki’s Rainbow Monkeys, somehow this planet brought them back to life. You should be happy. I mean, that’s what this whole thing is about, isn’t it?” 

Abby’s blush grew deeper. “I just wanna find Nigel so we can save the Kids Next Door. So we can save Earth.” 

“I know,” is what he said. 

But he didn’t look convinced. 

“But you created...another you. How does that—” 

“It’s not a perfect metaphor.” 

“You still think I’m crazy,” she finally said, knowing she wasn’t going to get anything from him. “Doin’ all this.” 

“Oh, I think you’re nuts,” Hoagie chortled. “But you’re the kind of nuts that gets the job done. I can respect that.” 

“I’ll take it.” 

They stood there for a while, not really speaking, just looking at each other. Hoagie cleared his throat. “So...I’m gonna go...do my...” 

“The recommissioning module,” she reminded him. 

“Yes! Yes. The recommissioning module. Can’t forget that. That would be not good.” 

“Nope.” 

“Right.” 

Hoagie wasn’t sure how to feel. He wasn’t sure if he should be happy that the whole ordeal was over, that they managed to save Kuki, or that Abigail and he had spoken without it ending in an argument or a hopelessly embarrassing moment on his part. Often, he wasn’t sure how to speak to her since she was so different from himself. He wondered how she would take the news, that he didn’t think Nigel was actually from the past. However, she seemed to come to that conclusion on her own. He didn’t understand Abigail Lincoln, not at all. He had gotten no closer to cracking her case than the first day they started their journey. He did get that she was driven, which was all he needed to know. In spite of himself, she was starting to grow on him. And her presence had, oddly enough, made him momentarily forget the day’s past events. 

Momentarily. 

As he approached the lab, he found another girl waiting for him. She was the opposite of Abby- extremely easy to figure out. Quick to please, quick to anger. Hot and cold. Kuki Sanban rose when she saw him come down the hallway, the neon-orange first aid kit tucked in her arms. 

“Can we talk?” She asked. 

“It’s fine, Kuki.” 

“I’m really really sorry-” 

But Hoagie shrugged it off. “Don’t worry about it,” he sighed. 

Kuki handed him back the first aid kit. “You know my mom was strict to begin with. She started taking all this medication and pretty soon she couldn’t feel anything at all. I just didn’t want that to happen to you and playing around with pills is dangerous-” When her friend didn’t respond, she stopped. “I’m worried about you.” 

He didn’t say anything, as though the words just bounced off of him. 

“I know you probably don’t want to talk about it,” she continued. “I get it.” 

“Do you?” he provoked her. “Because I’m not sure you do get it. Knowing it is not the same thing.” He closed his eyes, exhaling deeply. “But you’re right. This is not...my choices were not...the best.” Hoagie didn’t really have the strength to put on a face. He pulled out his brother’s goggles, which were still damaged, setting down the first aid kit. Kuki gasped slightly. “It’s my own fault,” Hoagie smiled, like his face was cracking. “Stupid, right?” he choked. “Holding onto this dumb piece of cloth.”

Kuki listened to his words without judgement. 

“It’s not alive. It doesn’t have feelings...it’s not...” he breathed in again. “It’s not really him.” 

Kuki nodded. “Tommy.” 

But Hoagie shook his head. “My Dad.” He stopped. “Mom gave away all his stuff. We got a new car, and soon we won’t be able to pay our property taxes. This was it. The last piece of him I could cling to.” He inhaled, tears accumulating in his eyes. “I lost him, then Tommy and now...now...” He squeezed the material tighter. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.” 

Kuki reached in, taking the shredded cloth away from Hoagie for a moment. “Hm. Now, let’s see here.” She examined it. “It’s not...too terrible. A little stitching, a little love, it should be good as new.” Kuki smiled as Hoagie looked up at her. “Tell ya what. I’ll fix it right up for ya! How’s that?” 

Hoagie sniffled. “You don’t have to do that.”

“Don’t you want to give it back to Tommy?” She asked, getting the passion in her voice again. “Don’t you want to see his face when you say ‘Hey! I made it! Your big brother traveled across the Universe to save the world! Just for you!’” She took his hands. “And every step along the way, you’ll have a piece of him too. So it’ll be like you’re on an adventure together!” 

Hoagie wiped his eyes. “Thanks, Kuki.” He looked at the first aid kit, pushing it over to her. “Would you mind holding onto this for me?” 

Kuki blushed. “N-no. I couldn’t-” 

“It’s okay.” He smiled. “I trust you. I don’t always trust me. Just don’t throw it into the sun or anything.” 

Kuki took the box. A serene quiet fell over the space. 

“Hoagie?” 

“Hm?” 

“Thank you for helping me.” 

“Any time.” 

Abby went back to one of the rooms, which all looked the same now that she was paying closer attention. Grey walls, grey beds, it was all around very boring. She wondered why Kids would ever decorate this way. She supposed that the mist from the planet was to blame for the station’s abandonment to begin with. The idea that a negative thought was just as likely to become reality as a positive one did raise a lot of red flags. 

Sitting on the bed, kicking his feet and sucking on a cherry lollypop, was Nigel. It was like he was following her. 

“Hey, Numbuh 5! Great work today. I really think we made some progress with the team!” 

“Uh-huh.” Abby didn’t look at him. 

“Now we just have to think about what our next move is going to be.” 

“Nigel.” 

“We can stay up brainstorming ideas. I couldn’t find a pad and paper but that’s okay! We only have to remember the really good ones.” 

“Nigel.” 

Nigel gasped. “Do you think Father might be planning an attack? We should do some secret spying to-” 

“Nigel!” Abby snapped. “I’m tired. Can we take a break?” 

“Oh.” The kid looked slightly disheartened by this but picked up with boundless energy. “That’s fine. We’ll start as soon as you’re ready!” 

“Father isn’t planning to take over the world, he’s already done that,” she stated. “It’s over.” 

But this didn’t faze the great Nigel Uno. “I see. Then we just have to get our team to-” 

“Nigel. There is no more team. There is no more Kids Next Door. Not for me, not for anyone. Do you understand?” 

“No more Kids Next Door?” he looked as though he had been smacked in the face by his own mother. 

“That’s right.” She went to the bed. 

“Did Father do something to them?!” 

“Father didn’t do anything, okay?” She screamed. “He just took advantage. He didn’t decommission the entire KND! You did!” She heaved. It may have been a mistake to tell him that. But she could sense it, the workaholic nature, the over-optimism. This was the Nigel Uno she remembered, but not the Nigel Uno she knew. 

His little face fell. “I see.” 

“No. You don’t see.” Abby couldn’t take it anymore. “You don’t see anything but what I want you to see! That’s the problem with you! You’re not...” She clenched her fists, trying to fight back tears. “You’re not him. You never were him.” 

“Numbuh 5-” 

“How could you do this to me?” She finally cried. “To us? To your family? To your friends? How? Do you know how much shit I went through for you? Do you know how hard it has been to defend you? You completely ruined our lives!” Her breathing was loud, her face contorted. Everything was red. “You left us. You said you would return, but you didn’t...” She bit her lip. “The Kids Next Door is gone. Sector V is gone. I thought at least you had my back, but you didn’t. You let the Earth go to shit!” She slammed her hat onto the floor. 

“Abby! That language-” 

“Fuck you!” She screamed. “Fuck you! Fuck your Galactic Kids Next Door! And Fuck me for ever believing in you!” She collapsed to the floor, exhausted, next to her hat. Nigel, the ten-year-old Eidolon, walked up to her and handed her the cap. 

“Abby I...” 

“What? You’re what? Sorry?” She shook her head. “I don’t want an apology. I want you to fix it.” 

“I-I will fix it!” Abby didn’t respond. “No, really! I promise! M-maybe things aren’t what they appear. Maybe I was brainwashed or...or maybe I was captured and replaced with a robot! Or a clone.” But again, Abby was quiet. Her head buried in her legs. “C-c’mon. You don’t really think I did those things, do you? It’s me...” The child patted his own chest. “It’s Nigel. Your friend.” 

“I don’t know...” She whispered. “I just don’t know.” 

Nigel sighed, holding something out towards her. It was a small lollipop like the one he was sucking on. “It’s blurbleberry.” 

Abby looked up, taking the candy in her hand. It was true, this kid wasn’t really Nigel. Screaming at him wouldn’t do anything in the long run. At this point, it didn’t matter anyway. This was bigger than her. No matter how she felt personally, the fact was that as long as Earth was still under quarantine, she and Nigel Uno remained on opposite sides of the table, while the little boy in front of her was still clearly on hers. 

“I truly am sorry.” 

“Yeah, well,” She unwrapped the candy. “Tell me again when I’m kickin’ yo bubble butt.” 

“H-hey!” 

Abby laughed. 

“That’s not funny.” 

She stuck the pop in her mouth, feeling the sourness on her tongue, then the sweet, then the tart, then all three over again. 

Nigel disappeared after that. The others asked where he had gone, but Abby simply said it was time for them to leave. They loaded up the ship, recommissioning module in tow, and looked back one last time on the space station. Abby wasn’t sure how long it would take them to find another civilization let alone one with a S.L.I.N.G.S.H.O.T., but after this event she would be happy to get away from the action for a while and just float out into space. The team looked at the back window as they flew away from the station. Wally felt uneasy about his lack of resolution with Joey, but when Hoagie explained to him what the planet was doing he was more than happy to leave that evil son of a bitch behind. 

“How dare they fuck with our brains like that! Why I oughtta sock’m in the bloody face!” 

Despite this, Abby was glad to see Nigel again, even if it was just in her imagination. As she gazed one last time at the space station, she noticed it start to morph. Long thick branches started to stick out of the station’s top, roots below. Her eyes widened. There, floating in the middle of space, was a treehouse. But this wasn’t just any treehouse, it was her treehouse. Nigel’s Treehouse. Sector V’s Treehouse. She could see Numbuh 1 waving from the balcony, Numbuh 2 eating an ice cream on the railing, Numbuhs 3 and 4 hanging out together on a tree branch, and finally a little girl with a red cap leaning on the railing, winking at her. 

“Hey...isn’t that-” Hoagie started.

“It’s Mr. Monty’s house!” Kuki exclaimed. “And look! There we are! Hi baby us!” 

“Ugh,” Wally scowled. “My hair. Gettin’ rid’a that bowl cut was the best thing I ever did.” 

“I thought it was cute,” Kuki told him. 

Wally blushed. 

“So,” Hoagie asked eying Abby. “Where to next?” 

“We stick to the plan,” she said. “Find Nigel, save the world.” 

“V-for-Victory!” Kuki exclaimed. 

“V-for-Victory!” 

END TRANSMISSION

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Depression, suicidal thoughts, self-medication, physical violence and abuse, body shaming/negative self-image.


	4. U.N.O.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Earth Representative Nigel Uno knows he did the right thing. It's just not everyone seems to agree.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CONTENT WARNING: Discussing reproductive anatomy.

Now Loading...

Code: [RESTRICTED] 

Operation: U.N.O. 

Uneasy   
Neurotic   
One

Written by OfficiallyWrong with properties owned by Tom Warburton  
and Cartoon Network

Location: The Center of the Universe

Episode 10

Far out into the deep reaches of outer space, there was a perfect paradise. The morning star neither rose nor fell, the light from the stars always illuminating the sky. Here, there was no war, no hunger, no fear, and no rules. And in the center of this great paradise, was a tree. The first tree of its kind. Tall and majestic, its roots spread across the star-studded map. It was a tree that bore leaves which never fell, and at its base were luminescent crystals which never broke. It was as though the tree itself was preserved in a bubble of time. For this was a place without aging, without authority, and without decay. In this tree, a towering building, the largest playground in existence, grew from its branches, as pristine today as it was when it was first built kajillions of years ago. 

It was here where the Galactic Kids Next Door operated, bringing peace to all the Universe. And it was here, where Nigel Uno had spent most of his teenage years. 

Nigel may have been a boy from Earth, but the moment he stepped foot into this sacred space, his life changed forever. This, he thought, is where I am meant to be. This is what I am meant to do. However, he was not like the others who operated on this magical base. He was a human, which meant although he came as a child to fight for children, soon he would grow into an Adult. While he was the first and only Earth representative on the council, he was given the option to have a consultant. There was, unfortunately for him, only one eligible candidate. He and his companion, also from Earth, had spent years developing their skills to assist, however possible, in the endeavors of the Galactic Kids Next Door. 

Then came the day when his loyalties would be put to the test, the day he realized that even if he wanted to, he could never return to the life he once knew. 

Nigel Uno rubbed his feet together beneath the sheets of his tiny bed. It was time, once again, for the invention sector to extend his bed once more. His knees knocked together as he raised his eyes up to the tall ceiling, which appeared to stretch up into the heavens. Despite being made up of children, the G:KND loved high ceilings. He clacked his knees together a couple times, feeling their lanky bony structure. He had grown yet another two inches since his last bed upgrade. His lips curved downward in a scowl.

It was becoming a problem. 

He sat up, rubbing his eyes and reaching for his updated glasses. His tank top was also getting too tight for him as his growing chest and arms rubbed uncomfortably against his body. He would have to ask for bigger clothes again as well. He rolled out of bed, trying to forget the events of the day prior. He remembered it clearly: the meeting room, the wall of monitors from representatives from all across the galaxy, the troubled look Vine had given him when he made his case... 

Chad. 

He blinked, trying to get his mind off of his ex-partner. Chad Dickson, Former Numbuh 274 and former Soopreme Leader of the Earth KND, had arrived only moments after Nigel had, insisting that him going to the center of the Universe with no knowledge of the organization nor any formal training would be an absurd idea. Seeing that Chad really wanted to go and not being the overly cheap type, Nigel agreed to let him tag along if only for a few weeks. Those weeks turned into months, months to years, as was common with these things. And although Chad was now a full-grown Adult, he was still only two years older than Nigel. After all, it wouldn’t be long before Nigel himself was 18. 

Before he could think about it too much, he rolled himself out of bed, the pads of his feet rocking back and forth onto the floor. Rubbing his eyes, he stood, sauntering his way to the bathroom. He washed his face, glaring at his reflection. Dark circles ran beneath his brown eyes, brought forward against his porcelain white skin. His nose was red, his ears as well. He couldn’t bring himself to smile, not even for his own sake. How could he when he knew this was what he had become? He stripped off his pajamas, then his underwear, stepping into the B.A.T.H. 

Galactic Kids Next Door: B.A.T.H. 

Bodies   
Are  
Totally   
Healthy 

His mind went back to Chad. What was the man thinking? His actions during the last few meetings were almost treasonous. Of course, Nigel understood. What they were calling for looked like a horrible betrayal of his home. But Chad didn’t understand anything, nothing at all. Nigel supposed it was because of the Chad’s evolving virus, which they still could not locate the source of. The sudsy bubbles formed around Nigel’s pale body. 

Abigail wouldn’t approve of this. 

Those were Chad’s words, and Nigel couldn’t help but agree. He knew that she wouldn’t understand either. Only a crazy person would wish for the end of the world. However, Nigel’s decision was final, and his reason sound. The truth of the matter was, there was a virus, an evil virus eating away at the people he loved. It would be crueler to continue their suffering. Abby wouldn’t understand. She wanted to save everyone. It was who she was. 

But it didn’t matter what she thought now. 

In fact, he was quite certain she didn’t think anything at all. 

Adulthood had taken his friends, taken them far away to a place Nigel could no longer go. The time to grieve for them had passed. Even Abby, who he knew had held onto her memories until the bitter end, was cut off from him. He knew it was for the best. She could never learn the truth, and this was the best way to protect her from it.

But the broken seal on the barrier had him worried. 

Chad also had him worried. The G:KND was never casual when it came to traitorous behavior, and on top of his aging, his growing resilience and attitude had made the Aliens overly cautious of the Earthling. Nigel had done everything in his power to maintain a good relationship with the G:KND, attempting to prove that despite his disease, he could still be useful to them even in his old age. However, Chad was becoming bitter and dissatisfied with child life and had been for a few years now. He had joined the program later in his teen years, which meant unlike Nigel, there were things he actually missed about being around other teenagers. His rebelliousness manifested itself more and more as he aged, developing a dry and sarcastic temperament. Still, he was an outstanding agent and never went against his orders. 

That is, until that meeting. 

He couldn’t blame Chad for tackling him in the middle of everyone, demanding he change his mind. They were technically a team, after all, and Nigel had come out of the blue with the decision to end the Earth Kids Next Door on his own. But Chad wasn’t the Earth representative. Nigel was. It was within his jurisdiction to quarantine the planet and it was, in his mind, the most logical plan of action. Chad was restrained and taken into custody until a proper decision could be made. He was currently under the examination of the scientists, who believed Chad’s condition was worsening. Once the host of the virus turned 18, after all, it started to take on a newer and more dangerous form: one heading toward complete maturity. 

That’s when he felt it, the strange sensation that had now become a part of his everyday lifestyle. He tried to think of something other than Chad. It always seemed to happen when he thought about Chad. However, like almost everything, the more he tried not to think about it, the more his thoughts engulfed him. Fearfully, he looked down, and upon noticing the illogical mis-position of his...equipment...screamed in response. Everything about getting older was confusing, but this was perhaps the most humiliating thing of all. 

It never got better, not since the very first time six Earth years ago...

“It’s called a boner, Dude,” Chad had explained, wiping the sweat from his neck after a particularly hard training session. 

The newly turned twelve-year-old just stared at him in confusion. He looked down at the issue, then back up at his friend. “But there are no bones in there...are there?” He poked it, curiously, his cheeks flushing. “Is that what happens to Adults? They grow more bones?!” 

Chad just laughed. “No, Man. Your dick is hard. It feels like a bone. And it makes you wanna bone. Hence, boner.” 

“Dick?” Nigel couldn’t form the word properly. 

“Weiner.” 

“Oh. But why is it doing this?” Nigel whined. 

“It just does it sometimes,” Chad said. He stripped off his shirt, which was sticking to his skin. “Your body’s still trying to figure itself out, it doesn’t mean anything every time.” 

“But how do I stop it!” Nigel begged. “It’s making me feel...weird.” 

“Just jerk it off. That’s all you really can do.” 

Nigel’s eyes went back down to his body. “You want me to tear off my wiener?!” Nigel gasped, horrified. “Why?! Is it infected?!” 

“N-no...Nigel...” Chad shook his head. “You have to, you know, rub it out?” 

“Rub it?” the little boy frowned. “Like...” He rubbed his hands together, simulating what he thought Chad was referencing. 

“You do know what’s going on, right?” Suddenly, Chad’s eyes widened. “Oh my god you have no idea what’s going on.” 

“Well, at first I thought I had to pee super bad, but when I’d go to pee nothing came out. So I thought the pee was stuck in there, so I drank lots of water, but it just kept coming back.” He lifted an eyebrow. “You’re saying my pee isn’t stuck in my wiener?” 

But Chad was clutching his stomach, writhing from laughter. “You thought...you thought it was pee?” 

“Well it can’t be poo, can it?!” 

Chad couldn’t control himself. Tears started to stream down his face. “I just...do you even know what sex is?” 

Nigel blushed. “Of course I do!” He cleared his throat. “I have a wiener, so that makes me a boy. Girls have...” He stopped, puzzled. “I dunno but I know it’s not a wiener. When I accidentally kicked a ball into Muffy Jenkins’ private place during recess, she didn’t even cry! Mom said it’s because girls don’t have wieners and I asked why not and she said-” 

“Okay, no,” Chad stopped him. “Sex is...You know where babies come from?” 

“Philadelphia.” 

Chad blinked twice. “What?” 

“Babies come from Philadelphia.” 

“Uh...no.” 

“Cleveland?” 

“No, Nigel.” He sat the boy down on the bench. Chad was about ready to turn 15. He wasn’t exactly the best choice to explain such a complicated idea to the innocent, wide-eyed boy. “Okay so...when you have a hard, uh, wiener, that means it’s filled with...stuff. You gotta get the stuff out or else it will make you really uncomfortable. And that stuff mixes with other stuff that girls have and it makes babies.” 

Nigel stared at him. “The stuff in my wiener makes babies.” 

“Um...more or less?” 

“Chad,” the boy stated with a bemused grin. “You shouldn’t believe everything you hear.” 

Chad blushed. “Y-you’re one to talk!” He grumbled. “And anyway, you asked! I’m just telling you the truth!” 

But Nigel chuckled. “Oh, poor sweet Teenager,” he shook his head. “Corrupted by the lies Adults tell us every day. It’s a good thing you’re here now or else you might have started to believe in all sorts of nonsense. Like taxes.” 

“Whatever, Kid,” he retorted. “Just know that you’re not gonna get any help from these Aliens. You n’ Me, we’re on our own out here.” He rubbed Nigel’s head. “You ever wanna talk, or have feelings you can’t explain, I’m here for ya. Mkay?” 

Nigel scoffed as Chad exited the room. “I don’t need your stoopid Teenager help!” 

But sure enough, an hour later, the area below began to gain pressure, the blood vessels visible from outside the skin from the de-oxygenated blood. He felt as though bugs were crawling all over. Pretty soon, there was a discomfort followed by soreness. Flushed with embarrassment, Nigel went into his bathroom and took Chad’s advice. Images flashed through his mind that day, things he never ever wanted to see again, yet desired for every day. It started to become a habit, his thoughts turning more and more vulgar upon each return to the bathroom. When they were alone, Chad showed him his magazines, which were taboo on the Base and would have gotten them certainly kicked off. It was actually sort of fun, Nigel admitted, sneaking around with images that would cause the rest of the G:KND to faint upon viewing. 

However, it soon started to take over the child’s mind. He couldn’t focus on anything and looked forward to his time alone more than his missions. This was basically unheard of for him, and he began to wonder what kind of curse Adulthood would actually bring him. 

That was when he first knew he was truly infected. 

Nigel, coming out of the memory, looked back at his ‘erection’ as Chad called it. And, reluctantly and with great shame, proceeded to do the only thing he could think of to calm it. 

“Hmmm...” 

Nigel sat and waited patiently as a tree-like Alien sized him up. His weight and height were taken down and recorded into the system. Numbuh 74.23, who used to be an spy for the G:KND stationed on Earth, was the expert in the branch for all things Adult. They claimed it was due to their years of experience studying the aging virus, however in truth they were quite fascinated by Adults. Nigel knew this because every time he stepped into the office, Numbuh 74.23 always appeared a little too excited to see him. 

“How often does this happen?” they asked. 

“Uh...” Nigel felt his face burn. He didn’t want them to put him out of commission like Chad if they knew how bad the virus was getting. “Once a day?” He lied. Numbuh 74.23 looked at him sternly. “Week! Once a week...maybe not even that, actually I barely even notice it-” 

“Well, you are moving into the penultimate stage of existence,” Numbuh 74.23 said. “The aging takes on new symptoms after the 18th year.” 

“I can’t seem to stop myself from, you know,” Nigel tried to explain. He did the hand gestures, but that felt embarrassing too. 

“Not to worry, Uno,” Numbuh 74.23 assured him. “I’ve seen practically every symptom of Adulthood. You don’t have to be coy around me.” They leaned in. “Just don’t go around tellin’ Kids. They’re not equipped to handle this stuff. Bunch’a sissies.” 

“I’ve tried the magazines that Chad brought from Earth,” Nigel explained. “But they don’t seem to work. Perhaps I’m getting better?” 

Numbuh 74.23 shook his head. “Sex is a complicated thing. It’s not always clear why or how it works the way it does.” 

Nigel frowned. “Sex again? I don’t want to have babies! Can’t you turn it off?” 

“It’s not just for having babies,” Numbuh 74.23 explained. “We’ve had this conversation before. I don’t think your body is responding to the biological need for your kind to reproduce.” They pushed up their leaves out of their ‘face’. “You are reacting to something else. It’s something that the body craves as it gets older. It creates an error of judgement, a brief euphoria, and leaves you ultimately dissatisfied. It’s like a sugar addiction, engrained into your very DNA.” 

Nigel wasn’t impressed. “But how do I stop it?” 

“That’s what we’re here to find out, isn’t it?” 

He groaned. “You mean I have to find the whole cure for Adulthood just to not want to have babies!” 

“It’s not about having babies...” they repeated for perhaps the bumillionth time. 

“If they would just put me on a mission again,” he started. “I could find the cure. That’s why you came to me in the first place, wasn’t it?” 

“You know that’s impossible,” they replied. “Particularly with your family history. Which we are still closely monitoring.” 

Nigel pouted. “Yes. I know.” 

“Everything else seems normal,” they continued. “Continue to keep your reactions under control and you should be alright. You want a lollypop?” 

“That’s it?” Nigel whined. “That’s all I get? Some advice and a lolli?” 

“We have cherry...” Numbuh 74.23 teased him. 

He sank down, kicking his feet. “Fine.” He was presented with his candy, sucking on it. “Hey. Numbuh 74.23...” 

“Yes?” the Alien had gone back to work, not really looking back at Nigel. 

“I was wondering...you know more about Adults than anyone in the whole Universe.” He rubbed his feet together. “How come so many of them turn out to be so dreadful?” 

Numbuh 74.23 sighed. “They have to deal with those things, for one--” They said, gesturing to Nigel’s crotch. The Teen covered his privates in embarassment. “I suppose it mostly has to do with survival, although there is a staggering amount of questionable behavior that acts against this impulse. For most of Kid-kind, the things that Adults do would seem unfathomable. Even some of the words I’m using to talk to you right now simply aren’t necessary for our lifestyle. There’s more to the aging virus than we could ever hope to understand, and it is deadlier than we could ever imagine, and not just because of the death part.”

“Do you think...” Nigel half-mumbled. “There’s any chance that my friends will become like that? Now that the Kids Next Door has left Earth?” 

“It’s best to not think about that.” 

There was a pause. 

“Even Chad was infected,” he whispered. “All the way out here.” He sat up slightly. “What is the worst thing you’ve seen an Adult do?” 

“Nigel,” Numbuh 74.23 addressed him with his first name. Only four beings on the base ever did that. “If you knew, you’d never want to look at an Adult ever again, let alone become one.” 

Nigel left the office, leaving the scientist to his work. It was becoming more and more apparent with every passing day that Numbuh 74.23 shouldered the burden for the entire Galactic Kids Next Door of what really happened when people got older. Nigel himself had this question burning in his mind since Chad’s outburst. Or maybe it was before that. Either way, the Tree-like Alien wouldn’t simply give out that kind of top-secret information, nor should he. Some things, Nigel thought, were better left not knowing. 

“Nigel!” 

And speaking of that...

Another green plant-Alien made their way down the hall to catch up to him. They were much shorter than he was but managed to catch up with relative ease. They were richly bright green in color, as opposed to the dark green and brown of Numbuh 74.23’s bark. It was a warm season back on their planet, so small pink buds were starting to appear on their crown. 

“Nigel...” 

“What is it, Vine?” He didn’t really look at them. 

“You saw the doctor again?” they asked. Nigel said nothing. “What did they say?” 

“What do you think they said?” he snapped back. “I’m dying.” 

“You’re not dying,” Vine replied, pointedly. “You have another half a century in Earth time at least.” 

“Well, I’m gonna die eventually, aren’t I?” 

“Not if we find the cure by then.” 

Nigel ignored them, continuing to walk. 

“Nigie, everyone is worried about you--” 

He spun around. “Oh, so it’s Nigie again, is it?” 

“I-” 

“And just who is worried about me? Your new love?” He emphasized ‘love’ immaturely. 

They frowned. “After what happened with Chad and what’s happening on Earth, I just thought you might need someone to talk to.” 

“I’m fine. You’re not my babysitter.” 

“Nigel, you quarantined the planet.” 

“It’s only temporary.” 

“Everything is in chaos!” they exclaimed. “Benedict Uno has risen to power! That couldn’t have been what you wanted! There has to be another way to handle this!” They sighed. “Look, I know you’re mad at me-” 

“Oh no, why on Earth would I be mad at you?” He pretended to look around. “Wait. We’re not on Earth, are we?” 

“Nigel-” 

“You know what, Lizzie?” He used her Earth alias. “I’ve forgiven you over and over again. For lying to me, for tricking me, for breaking my heart twice now. I’m sorry, but I kind of don’t want to do it anymore.” 

“You’re going to let those innocent children get hurt-” 

“They’re not Children. They were never children.” he sneered. “Of course, you already knew that, didn’t you?” 

“I’m just saying that if this is about us-” 

“Puh-lease.” 

“Oh, quit acting so dramatic. You know, you were no saint in our relationship! Do you know how many times you stood me up on Earth when we were together? It became a running joke amongst everyone in the G:KND. When is Vine gonna get dumped next! Ooh! Let’s bet on candy on it! It was so embarrassing!” 

“That was what you wanted though, wasn’t it? To turn me away from girls forever!” 

“Oh, stick a pop in it, Uno.” 

“Were you really that unlikable or was that part of your plan too?” 

“You were just going to leave anyway!” they snapped. “So what does it even matter now?” 

“I would have stayed for you!” 

Vine stopped. In all their years knowing each other, he had never once said that. It surprised even Nigel himself. He hadn’t thought about Earth in years, he never imagined a scenario where he would have stayed, not once. But that day when his girlfriend broke his heart, he truly believed he had deserved it. However, it turned out that she was playing with his emotions, all part of the test to be accepted into the G:KND. He thought at least that meant they could be together now. He didn’t care what she, or they as he soon realized, looked like. They were just as empowered by the plight for Kid justice as he was, now there seemed to be no obstacles between them. 

He left his home.

He left his friends.

His family. 

But maybe, just maybe, he was really trying to leave her. 

Because she left him first, and he couldn’t take it. 

If she hadn’t...

“Someone will stop Father,” he said after a while. “The book of KND still exists. Someone will find it, just as before. And when I have the cure, and believe me, Vine, I will have it, I will save this Universe from the disease of Adulthood. Compared to that, who cares if people forget us for a blip.”

He walked away from them then, not able to look back. 

“Nigie...” 

He heard them speak but spit out a raspberry in bitter reply. 

“Oh you...you...Doo-doo Face!” They stuck their tongue-like vine out, stomping off. “That’s the last time I try to reach out to you!” 

Nigel slowed his gait. He knew why they couldn’t be together. He knew that they were a completely different species, one untainted by his ailment, that loving him would be difficult and that they were just doing their job. But no matter how hard he thought about it or how many years went by, it still cut him deeply. Now they had finally moved on, to another kid who wasn’t sick. But really, Nigel felt more ill than ever after they left. 

Heartbreak. Was that also a part of growing older? He clutched his chest. 

He needed to find the cure as soon as possible. 

This was becoming unbearable. 

Nigel slipped into the suit, putting on the heavy layers of protective gear required to enter the G:KND sanitation zone, or as they called it: Q.U.A.R.A.N.T.I.N.E. Sure enough, Numbuh 74.23 was there to greet him along with a few other scientists and two traditional guards posted at the entrance. 

Galactic Kids Next Door: Q.U.A.R.A.N.T.I.N.E. 

Questionably  
Unwell   
Adult  
Restricted  
Areas  
Need  
Treatment  
In  
Nearly  
Everything

Numbuh 74.23 looked at him, pitifully. “You sure you want to do this?” 

Nigel swallowed, but his voice was firm. “He’s my friend.” 

They sighed. “Very well.” 

The guards stepped aside once Numbuh 74.23 showed them his pass, waving Nigel in through the gate. Suddenly, echoing through the corridor came a barreling scream. Nigel took a few steps backwards, startled and disturbed by the sound. The voice was all too familiar. He stood frozen for a couple of seconds before a prompting from Numbuh 74.23 caused him to snap out of it. Stepping through the threshold into the Q.U.A.R.A.N.T.I.N.E., he jumped as the gates slammed shut behind him, locking him inside. Of course, he could get out if he wanted to. 

For now. 

“I feel I should prepare you,” Numbuh 74.23 stated as they moved further into the inky blackness of the tunnel. “What you are about to see has been kept secret from nearly every Child in the known Universe. Not even the high council comes down here.” 

“Are they not allowed?” 

“Oh, they’re allowed,” they explained. “They just would rather put off the responsibility. Have someone else take care of it.” 

“Hey, yo, Pipsqueak!” A voice shot through the area, giving Nigel a heart attack. “You bring the goods this time or what?” 

“And I don’t blame them...” 

They were now beginning to pass the sanitation room area, tiny yellow lights along the ceiling and floor were the only light emanating from the area. Nigel could only see the silhouettes of the larger Alien creatures, trapped behind thick glass doors, however their voices suddenly erupted. 

“Ohh. Check out the meat patty-” one said, sizing up Nigel. “Hey cutie, you pay for that ass or’d you just get lucky?” 

A few others began to whistle in his direction. 

“I’d tap that.” 

“You can suck mine.”

“Numbuh 74.23...” Nigel quivered. “W-what’s going on? What are they talking about?” 

“Ignore them,” They retorted, not looking back once. 

“Hey, come back!” the first called. “I just wanna spank you!” 

Nigel spun around, continuing to walk backwards. His face was now the color of mars. “Spank me?! Good heavens why?!” 

“Trust me,” Numbuh 74.23 pulled him away. “It’s not what you’re thinking.” 

The Adult alien scoffed. “Little brat.” 

“Fucking Kids.”

“Goodness!” Nigel reacted to the vulgar language. “What happened to them?” 

Numbuh 74.23 rolled their eyes. “Nothing. They’re just horny.” 

Nigel stared at them. 

“Creatures of the mammal variety, on all planets, feel the need to copulate when past a certain age. Some individuals more than others. Some not at all, but that’s rare.” 

Nigel’s face soured. “Sex again...” he grumbled. 

“Yes,” Numbuh 74.23 said. “Sex again.” 

“Do you think it’s right,” he tried to change the subject. “Keeping them here? Couldn’t we put them on a designated planet? Like what we are doing with Earth?” 

Numbuh 74.23 shook their head. “These are Adults who have committed crimes against Kid-kind. Instead of sending them to prison, the Galactic Kids Next Door allowed me to study them, to perhaps find a way to cure the aging virus--” 

The scream was louder, causing the hallway to go silent. 

Nigel swallowed once more. 

He took a step forward-- 

“Enjoy it while it lasts, Meat Patty--” someone shot into the hallway at Nigel. “Pretty soon you’ll be just like us.” 

Nigel flushed. “I will never be like you.” 

And with that, he moved out of range. 

“You’re not one of them, Teenager! You’ll be one of us before you know it!” 

The rest of the walk was in complete silence, that is until Nigel finally got the courage to speak. “What exactly did they do?” 

Numbuh 74.23 didn’t bother looking at him. “Let’s just say that the things you knew about on Earth, well, that was only a percentage of the evil Adults are truly capable of.” Finally, they made eye contact. “Unthinkable, unspeakable things.” They brushed it off. “But, let’s not dwell on that. We’ve reached the research center.” 

Nigel wrung his hands together, staring at the final door.

“Don’t worry,” they reassured him. “You’ll be fine.” 

When they entered the center, a bright white light flashed over them. Nigel squinted as the vision of Alien children in protective gear, like his, came into view. Numbuh 74.23 led him down to the room on the far left-hand corner. Through the glass door he saw what he had come here to see. He couldn’t wait any longer. Bursting through the door he ran to the side of a small bed. Lying on the bed, skin pale and black beneath the eyes, a young man twitched. He was strapped down by the chest and arms, his veins pulsating a neon green. 

“Chad?” He called down to his friend. “Chad it’s me, Nigel.” 

The young man managed to open one of his eyes. His lips parted, chapped from dehydration. “Nigel...” 

Nigel smiled with relief. 

But Chad’s face remained hard as he strained upwards. “You son of a bitch...” 

Nigel stumbled backwards, startled by his friend’s aggressive tone and language. Numbuh 74.23 entered the room just in time, getting between him and Chad. The man was still weak, but he spoke with ferocity. 

“How could you...Earth is our home...You Bastard...” Then, a sharp pain went through his stomach as he sank back down. 

Another Alien, this time a blue furry creature, appeared in the scene. “His body is still rejecting the Khlorophyll, Sir.” 

Numbuh 74.23 acknowledged them. “Keep going then.” 

“You fuckers...” Chad spat. “You’re all lying pieces of shit-” 

“Chad please,” Nigel went back to his side. “You mustn’t swear like that.” 

“It’s the virus,” Numbuh 74.23 explained. “It appears to be getting worse by the day.” 

“I’m not swearing because of the virus you Jackass!” Chad’s voice finally raised. “I’m pissed off! You fucking broke my planet!” A loud cry of pain escaped his lips as his veins became more and more visible. “And this fucking hurts!!” 

Nigel gripped the metal railing of the bed. “Can’t you give him some sugar to calm him?” 

“I’m afraid the experiment only works with a direct injection,” the fluffy Alien said. “It’s the only way to tell how his body is reacting to the virus.” 

“Sugar will only add variables to the experiment,” Numbuh 74.23 stated. 

“Liars...” Chad said weakly, his body glistening with sweat. “Nigel don’t listen to them. They’re liars. You have to get out of here...before it’s too late...” 

“I understand it’s painful,” Numbuh 74.23 said. “But we are doing everything we can.” 

“The fuck you are!” 

“You must not take anything he says seriously when he is under the Khlorophyll,” the Alien reminded Nigel. “He’ll do and say anything to get the pain to stop.” 

“They hate Adults...” Chad’s voice was almost at a whisper now. “All Adults. You have to stop them. F-Find Abigail...Find her and Sector V...Remember who you are.” He seethed in. “Don’t let them manipulate...” He closed his eyes before he could finish. 

“Chad? Chad!!” Nigel called. 

“He’s passed out now,” Numbuh 74.23 approached. “We’ll need to run more tests when he wakes up. I’m sorry you had to hear all of that.” 

Nigel swallowed. “But why...why would he turn treasonous like this?”

“Unfortunately,” the blue Alien explained. “The Khlorophyll we’ve injected into his body brings out his Adult traits. Excessive cuss words, sexual feelings, and most of all, a strong dislike for Children. We are now his enemy. And as long as you are a member of the Galactic Kids Next Door, so are you.” 

“Now you see why we must keep the Humans at a distance,” Numbuh 74.23 said solemnly. “Until the cure is found, this will be their fate. A life of misery before disappearing forever, sabotaging all hope that crosses their path.” 

Nigel leaned down toward his friend. “Don’t worry. I will save Earth. I promise.” He placed his hand over Chad’s head. “I will save you.” 

He left the room. 

Find Abigail. 

Remember who you are. 

Nigel’s ears burned. 

Who I am? He thought. Something came into his mind. Five words only. 

Numbuh 74.23 watched as Nigel left the room. They looked at Chad who was still passed out. The other Alien doctor moved to their side. 

“It doesn’t make any sense,” Numbuh 74.23 said beneath their breath. “We’ve tried nearly everything.” 

“Give it time,” the other reassured. “We just have to keep moving forward with the plan.” 

“We’ve tested nearly every Adult we can get our hands on. All of them have reacted the same way,” Numbuh 74.23 glared at their partner. “You’re sure Abigail Lincoln is the one who broke the barrier?” 

“She’s on her way as we speak.” 

“Uno could be dangerous,” Numbuh 74.23 huffed, the leaves on his branches rustling in annoyance. “We need to handle this delicately.” 

“Yes, Doctor.” 

They looked sourly at the unconscious young Adult. “You better not mess this up.” 

Nigel wandered back to his room, thoughts floating around his head like bubbles. Around him, members of the G:KND were playing, laughing, eating junk food, as they usually did. As he passed, some of them stopped what they were doing to look at him. Others backed away in fear. They knew that the virus couldn’t be spread from the air, or else he would have no longer been able to be a part of the group. However, none of them wanted to take their chances. He opened his door, ducking under just a bit to fit. He pulled out a small screen tablet and continued his work, as he did nearly every day. The screen flashed bright letters:

Now Accessing...

GALACTIC KIDS NEXT DOOR DATA BASE

Welcome: Numbuh 1

Password: XXXXXXX 

He typed it in. It was this work that would save the Universe, he thought. The project he had been spending years trying to complete. The reason he was selected to the G:KND in the first place. The cure was somewhere out there. 

Suddenly, he got a strange urge from out of nowhere. 

An image flashed through his mind. 

An unsightly image. 

He set down the tablet. 

He would definitely find that cure

Go back to being a child

And pretend this puberty thing never happened. 

END TRANSMISSION


	5. G.A.M.E.S.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A surprise attack forces the team to participate in a Battle Royale. Kuki is concerned that she and Abby are not growing closer, while Hoagie and Wally find more in common than they suspected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CONTENT WARNING: Prescription Drug Abuse/Mental Health
> 
> Possible trigger warning: See "end notes" for content.

Now Loading...

Code: [RESTRICTED]

Operation: G.A.M.E.S. 

Gun’s  
Armored  
Mutilation  
Effectively   
Splatters 

Written by OfficiallyWrong with properties owned by Tom Warburton  
and Cartoon Network

Episode 11

Kuki Sanban was a likable person. From an early age, she discovered that her lot in life was not making great strides forward for humanity herself, but rather aiding others in their own adventures. She wanted to help people be their best selves, and sometimes that meant she could be judgmental. People didn’t always find her brand of cheer appealing, she knew that. The girls on the cheer squad were put off by her, but Kuki had always attributed this to them being shallow, not that there was anything wrong with her personally. She made it her life’s goal to be liked and to like others. And for an exclusive clique, that could be annoying. 

That’s what she thought. 

But for the past few hours, Kuki was faced with a troubling aspect about herself that she didn’t find pleasant, not in the slightest. Faced with a challenge, she had proven to be a less than stellar friend, and deep down rather self-concerned. No matter how noble it appeared, she acted rashly out of discomfort rather than understanding. It was, of course, a moment out of many in a lifetime of kindness and giving, but it was the way she acted under pressure, the true lack of acceptance, of herself and of her friend, that made her question her motivation. Wally had often said her parents were shallow, that they cared most about appearances and money. And while Kuki agreed to some extent, she also knew that deep down her parents were hard on her because they wanted the best for her. Her mother was cold and distant, yes, and her father could be a micromanager whom she fought with often, but they provided for her and gave her every opportunity to succeed. She wanted to please them, but she also wanted to be her own person and do what she believed she was best at. 

She started to feel uncomfortable. Shallow. She wasn’t shallow. Everything she did she did for other people. Heck, she was on her way to save the world and her family. A shallow person wouldn’t do that, would they? She hugged her body: her squishy, curvy body. Of course she wanted to be cute. Didn’t every girl? So what if she tried a little too hard at the end of the day to achieve that goal? If she couldn’t be pretty, or sexy, she could be cute. Wally claimed that she was all of those things, but Wally was easily pleased. Wally always gave her positive affirmation, whether she deserved it or not. Caring about your body doesn’t make you shallow, Kuki thought, her cheeks puffing out. 

But, she thought harder. If that’s the only thing you care about...

She shook her head. No way! That wasn’t her! She had screwed up before, but she was going to make it up! She was a kind, likable person dammit! If she wasn’t that...

Then who was she?

Kuki walked onto the bridge, noticing Abby sitting in the captain’s chair, flipping through a magazine. Her eyes brightened. Of course! She skipped into the scene, sitting as close as she could to the distracted head of the team. Abby had been very quiet since they left the space station, hardly speaking at all. It was the perfect opportunity. Kuki crossed her legs on the chair, swiveling it back and forth. Abby didn’t seem to be fazed. 

“Hi,” she said, cheerfully. 

“Yo.” Abby said back, but didn’t follow with anything. 

“What’cha reading?” Kuki asked, prompting further. Abby didn’t say anything but flipped the front page up so Kuki could see, not looking up. “Cooking. That’s fun. Do you like to cook?” 

Abby shrugged. “Don’t really have time.” 

“Oh,” Kuki pulled down her sweater sleeves, hiding her hands in them. “I like to cook. My dad is really good, he taught me how to make katsudon, nikuman, onigiri, for bento.” No response. “Uh, but we also eat American food! We had a turkey on Thanksgiving. And we eat cheeseburgers. And pizza! We love pizza!” 

“Hm.” 

“Do you, uh, have a favorite food?” 

Abby nodded. “Ice cream.” 

Kuki lit up. “Ah, yes! Good choice. Good choice. Hmm.” As her awkward laughter died out, the room returned to quiet. “What flavor?” 

“Doesn’t matter. Ice cream is ice cream.” 

“Oh.” Dammit, she was dying out there. She needed something to incite more meaningful conversation. She couldn’t get close to Abby like this. 

“So,” Kuki re-adjusted herself. “What’s Nigel Uno like?” 

“You saw,” Abby shrugged. “He’s a stubborn workaholic, likes to be in charge...more power to’im. Good kid, a bit paranoid.” 

“He’s pretty cute, though,” The girl grinned. “I bet older Nigel is really handsome.” 

“Uh,” Abby didn’t make an expression. “Yeah. Guess you could say that.” 

“Do you, uh, think about him a lot?” 

No answer. 

“You sure are going out of your way to see him.” 

“Ain’t like we got a choice,” she replied. 

“Well, yeah, but...” Kuki fiddled with her fingers. “I mean you must have a lot of feelings.” 

“Not really,” Abby said as she flipped the page. “I dunno what’s actually goin’ on. The mission is to make it to Nigel, and we’ll feel it out from there.” Her voice grew gruff. “I’ll deal with it then.” 

Kuki sank, moving further and further into her sweater. Abby had a harder shell than she thought. Suddenly, she felt something fall onto her lap. She opened her eyes to see a worn, red baseball cap. 

“Keep an eye on it for me,” Abby smiled back at her. “Abby’s gotta take care of some things.” 

Kuki took the hat, which was too large for her head, and strapped it over her hair. “Yes! I will! You can count on me!” Abby shook her head as she left the room. Kuki held the cap in her hands, pulling it over her ears. This was an important step forward, she thought. 

Just you wait, Abigail Lincoln. You’ll open up to me. 

You’ll trust me above all the others. 

I am a good person. 

You’ll see. 

Kuki skipped down the hall. She had to find some cloth and thread, and she wasn’t too thrilled about the prospect of using her new clothes to mend Tommy’s cap. She noticed one of the doors slightly cracked. She peered inside, startled by what she saw. 

“Wally!” she gasped, looking at her boyfriend, who was huddled in the corner, lighter in hand and a cigarette between his teeth. 

“Nothin’!” He shouted, sitting upright. “Oh, hey. There’s my Kukiburra...” 

“What the heck are you thinking?” she snapped. “You’re gonna get in trouble!” 

He gripped the locks of his blonde hair. “I’m losin’ it, Kuki. It’s only been a few days and I’m already goin’ nuts!” 

“You need to learn self-control!” she stated. “This is good for you.” 

“Come on. Just one itsy bitsy teensy smoke?” He stuck out his lip, which quivered. 

Kuki sighed. “Well...I guess if there’s technically air in space, you won’t blow up.” 

Wally’s face went pale. “Huh-uh. No way. I ain’t fallin’ off the side of a bloody spaceship. I am stayin’ right here where it’s safe.” He lifted his brow, noticing Abby’s hat on Kuki’s head. “What’s with the headwear?” 

Kuki grinned brightly, adjusting the hat. “Abby put me in charge of her hat! Jealous?” 

“I would be if that meant anything,” he said. 

“I think we’re starting to really connect.” 

“It’s a hat, Kuki.” 

“It’s symbolic, Wally. Symbolic of a life-long friendship.” 

Wally lit his cigarette, walking over to the closest window. “Remember when we had that chat about readin’ into stuff?” 

“I am not reading into it!” she defended, but Wally gave her a sly look. “Oh, what do you know? You hate people.” 

“I don’t hate people,” he clarified. “I hate humanity.” He pushed a tiny latch on the window, pushing it open an inch. “Hey! These windows do open!” He inhaled the smoke, blowing it out the crack. 

“You’re not listening to me.” 

“Not everyone is as friendship-sappy as you,” Wally told her. “All those Rainbow Monkeys are gettin’ to your head.” He shrugged. “Abby likes you. She saved you, didn’t she? You don’t have to try so hard. It’s superfluous.” 

“Superfluous?” She tilted her head. Her lips curved upward. 

“Yeah.” 

There was silence as Kuki smirked more. 

“What? It’s a word.” 

“You’ve been hanging out in the lab again.” 

Wally flushed. “So?” 

She placed her hands behind her back, rocking back and forth. “Do you need some ice?” 

“F-for what?” 

“Your boner.” 

Wally looked down, then back up, confused. “What boner?” 

“Your Hoagie boner.” 

His face turned redder than usual. “I do not have a Hoagie boner!” 

“You so have a Hoagie boner.” 

Wally pinched his nose. “Can we stop saying that phrase please?” 

“Superfluous, Wally?” she teased. 

He turned from her. “You don’t know. Maybe I was always smart, and you just didn’t notice till now.” 

But Kuki was grinning. “You like him.” 

“I do not like him.” 

“Your penis likes him.” 

“You don’t know what my penis likes.” 

“I am what your penis likes.” 

“He’s just a stupid nerd. He’s got stupid glasses and a stupid laugh and stupid jokes and stupid white teeth...seriously, why are his teeth so white? Is his mouthwash bleach?” 

“Maybe because he eats vegetables and doesn’t smoke,” she replied. Wally simply glared at her. He inhaled his cigarette, blowing the smoke into her face. She coughed, stumbling backwards. She waved her hand in front of her face, wafting away the smell. “Oh. Real mature, Wally!” 

Wally chuckled to himself. There was a weird pause as Kuki noticed him slowly lose his focus on her. Oftentimes what Wally lacked in intelligence he made up for in troves of intuition. She knew that look on his face meant something was about to go down. 

“Wally...hello?” She tried to snap him out of it. 

“Shh!” He interrupted her. 

“Don’t shh me!” 

“Kuki...” he began. “Do you feel that?” 

“Feel what?” 

He stomped on the floor, letting his foot spring back gently. 

“What?!” 

“Don’t you feel lighter?” Wally explained. He kicked his feet again. 

“We’re in space,” Kuki tried. “Did you forget we are in space?” 

He sneered at her. “No. That ain’t it.” He walked around, stomping on his two feet. 

Kuki rolled her eyes. “What are you doing?” 

“Abby said this ship’s got artificial gravity,” he said, now hopping. “So how come we’re all bouncy like this?” 

“Wallabee. Are you high? Because I told you--” 

“I ain’t high. Just try it! Jump up and down. You’ll see what I mean!” 

Kuki did this, but she didn’t feel what her boyfriend was talking about. That is, until she felt a slight tingle at the top of her head. 

“Kuki!” Wally gasped, pointing at her head. 

She reached up to feel Abby’s hat lifting up along with her frizzing hair. She gasped, trying to pull it down. But as she scrunched herself, yanking the hat back onto her head, her feet lifted further off of the ground. She kicked around frantically. 

“Wally...” 

But he excitedly stomped on the ground again, sending him rocking upwards this time to meet her. “Check it out! I really am a star man! Star maaaaan!” 

Kuki was spinning in circles, not sure how to control herself. Her hands were still placed firmly over her head to keep her hat in place. 

“C’mon, Sheila!” He floated over to her. “Bounce with me!” He held out one of his hands. She grinned taking it, one hand still on the hat. He spun her around, almost dancing in the air. They bounced off of the walls, sailing past each other in an almost choreographed manor. She giggled, letting the hat float up past her reach. 

Wally always made her feel better, like all of her worries were just a bad dream. 

But the peace wasn’t to last. 

The ground suddenly started to glow a blue, hazy color. A forgotten package of chips which lay in the corner of the room was glowing the same blue. Then, instantly, a blue lazar shot down from the top of the ceiling. Wally dove to protect Kuki, the two of them barely missing its gaze. It hit the chip bag, illuminating it first and then causing it to vanish in thin air. 

“Ah, crud,” Wally whispered. 

“Abby!” Kuki cried. She gasped, remembering the hat. She looked above her, where it was still floating. She “swam” upwards, trying to grab it. However, the light from the lazar hit it first. “No no no no!” 

“Kuki!” Wally pulled on her legs. She was lowered just in time to not get caught in the beam, however the hat was not so lucky. “Are you crazy or somethin’?” he yelled at her. “We gotta find the others and figure out what the bloody hell is goin’ on!” He tugged on her arm as she starred up into the empty sky. “Let’s go before it gets us.” 

They bounced out of the room, but sure enough the whole ship was now glowing the same blue light, lazars raining down like a meteor shower taking pieces of junk from the ship. Abby flew past them, getting her hands on the controls. 

“Is everyone okay?” she asked. 

“Abby, what’s going on?” 

“I don’t know,” she admitted. “It’s some kinda tractor beam...” 

“Oh no!” Kuki gasped. “Is it the TEENZ?” 

Abby shook her head. “I doubt it.” 

Just then, Hoagie entered. Holding the door, he swung himself into the room. “Abigail. The recommissioning module...it disappeared...” 

“Bloody fuck!” Wally screamed. 

Abby scowled. “We’re bein’ robbed.” She spun around, looking straight at the beam. “This is a stick up.” Her eyes didn’t leave the light. Kuki knew that could only mean she was about to do something. She may not have known Abby for a long time, but she was pretty straight-forward when it came to one thing. “You picked the wrong ship to fuck with today...” she whispered, to the point where only Kuki could hear.

Sure enough, the lazar shot down to steal another item and as soon as it did, Abby leapt into action. She dove straight into the light, getting caught in the beam. Soon, her body disappeared altogether. The others just stood, unable to process what it was they had just witnessed. 

“N-no. No no no no,” Hoagie was the first to speak. “That did not just happen.” 

“Did...she...” Wally stammered. 

“We gotta go after her!” Kuki exclaimed, running toward the light. 

“Kuki no!” Wally reached out, but the girl had already leapt forward, rising into the air. She disappeared as soon as her body hit the light. “Mother of fuckin Christ, Kuki!” He looked over to Hoagie, who was shaking his head ferociously. “Oh, quit yer whinin’ and come on.” He grabbed his hand and pulled him into the beam. 

Kuki popped her head out from beneath the pile of junk. She frantically looked around, trying to see her friends. Fortunately, they had all landed in the same area. She looked around, the unfamiliar grey walls causing her heart to palpitate. Pushing her way out from the top of the pile, she noticed Abby was the only one standing. 

“Where are we?” she whispered. 

Abby didn’t look back at her. 

“This must be the thief’s ship,” Hoagie surmised, noticing all of the junk. “But why did you-” 

“What? You thought we were gonna survive out there without contact on a week’s worth’a rations without hitchihikin’? This bastard could be our savin’ grace.” 

“Or they could kill us,” Hoagie added. “Who’s to say?” 

“Besides,” she snarled. “Asshole took Abby’s hat.” 

Hoagie frowned. “Glad to see you have your priorities in order.” 

Kuki nudged Wally, who was digging his own way out of the pile. “See? Told you.” 

Suddenly, the ground began to rumble. The floor opened beneath them, sending the humans crashing down into a lower room. This one, like the others, was filled to the brim with items. Kuki rubbed her bottom. She thought she saw one of the items move but concluded that it was simply her imagination. Abby walked ahead, but her head hit an invisible wall, which illuminated yellow upon impact. She touched it with her hands, realizing what it was. 

“Oh, great.” 

The object caught Kuki’s eye again. It was at times like this she hated being so perceptive. She tried to get the other’s attention, but they were focused on the forcefield that was keeping them inside. Kuki shriveled. Was it another monster, maybe? Or was her mind playing tricks on her again. 

“Please tell me you have a secret tool you can use to get us out of a force-field prison,” Hoagie pleaded. 

Abby shook her head. “This is an Adult ship. But it ain’t from Earth. I don’t know where it’s from.” 

The moving object rose, moving again and making a clattering sound as it did. A creature emerged from the junk, sniffing around before its yellow pupil-less eyes turned to face them. Kuki ran behind Wally, who put up his arms protectively. 

“I-Is that...” Hoagie stammered. 

“Our gracious host.” Abby didn’t seem too concerned about the situation, but, then again, she never really did. 

Kuki sighed. That’s what made her so cool. 

“Hey,” their leader called out to the creature. “You speak English?” No response. “Est-ce que tu parles français?” Nothing. “Español?” She scowled. 

“Nihongo wo hanasemasu ka?” Kuki tried. 

The thing inched towards them, revealing their yellow eyes to be a pair of round factory goggles, opaque. Their skin was covered in dirt. 

Wally eyed Hoagie. “What’ve you got? Cause I got nothin’.” 

“I don’t think this thing knows basic Yiddish,” he whispered back. 

It slunk over, its body in a hunch, covered in a ratted cloth. In its hands was a bucket, grey and rusted. 

Hoagie smiled politely. “Ah. Heh-heh. A...gutn tog?” 

“It’s no use,” Abby said. “It’s a scavenger. It only knows its own language.” Her eyes flattened. “And I doubt hand signals’ll get anything across.” 

It titled its head, making a clicking sound with its teeth. It waited a moment, but when there was no response, it tried again, slower. A hand fell onto the force field, as dirty as its face. It was difficult to see what the creature was, or if it even resembled a human form. Its hand was primate-like, with opposable thumbs for tinkering. However, it had no finger nails and five joints as opposed to four. The force field fell. The three newer members of sector V took a step back, while Abby remained. Her eyes met the creature’s. It reached down into the bucket, pulling out a wiggly dark grey creature with no arms, legs or eyes. It was covered with a darker, oozy slime. Abby swallowed. 

“Uh...no thanks,” She said, putting her hands up. “I already ate...” 

But the creature grabbed her arm, pulling her down to its level. Taking the smaller black creature, it pinned her down, dropping the slithery, slimy thing into her ear. She couldn’t help but scream as it wiggled its way through her canal. Abby touched her ear, the black slime coating it. She shuddered in horror. 

Kuki screamed, trying to run away but the creature grabbed her next. As she felt the cool slippery sensation, she wondered if this was how she would die. Wally tried to fight for her but was caught almost immediately. 

“Good for you,” the creature said in a high chirpy voice. “Must understand.” 

“Get off’a me!!” Wally screamed. 

“Wait!” Kuki stopped it for a second. “You spoke.” 

“No. I speak same,” the creature spoke again. “You understand.” 

Abby’s eyes widened. “It’s a translator.” She turned to Wally. “Don’t resist! It’s just an advanced form of technology.” 

“No way am I puttin’ that thing in my ear!” Wally squirmed. “I’ll stay ignorant! Thank you very much!” 

Kuki rubbed her own ear. She understood, but it still grossed out. “Ew. Ew ew ew ew ew EW!” 

“It won’t stop until you do it. So just do it!” Abby shouted. 

Wally flinched, but then stopped resisting, letting the leech slither into his ear. 

When the Alien approached Hoagie, he didn’t resist. Instead, he held out his hand and accepted the thing, putting it in himself. Afterwards, his body shuddered. “That is seriously gross.” 

“All understand,” the creature said. “Not from here.” 

Abby sat up. “We’re from Earth,” she explained. The Alien looked confused. “It’s a long ways from here.” 

“From Pulsar,” it said. “Long ways from here.” 

Abby stood tall. “You stole from us.” 

“Stole you.” 

“No. From us.” 

“Not from,” it said. “Stole you. To sell.” 

Kuki felt her stomach lurch. “S-Sell us?” 

Hoagie frowned. “I knew this was a bad idea.” 

“Rare creatures,” it explained. “Much reward.” 

But Abby didn’t seem alarmed. “And where exactly do you plan to do that?” 

“Pulsar. Home.” 

“What’s there?” she continued. 

It snickered, or whatever its equivalent was. Then, it promptly went back into its pile of rubbish. 

Abby wasn’t amused. “Hey! If I’m goin’ somewhere, the least you could do is tell me about it!” She tried to go after it, but the force field was put up again. “Just who exactly are you?” 

It turned around. “Who me? I am Highway Man.” It shuffled around. “I collect. I sell.” 

“Sell to who?” Abby pushed forward. 

“Children.” 

Hoagie finally perked up. “Children? You sell to Children?” 

“For fun. Only business exists,” the Highway Man said. “For fun.” It sighed. “Children use junk for fun. Children use games for fun. Games for their fun. Only way to survive.” It slinked upstairs. “Only their fun.” 

“We gotta get outta here,” Wally said to Abby. 

“Only their fun, huh?” Abby repeated to herself. 

Wally’s entire body was steaming. “That thing just put a worm in my ear!” 

“Ear worm!” Hoagie announced pride. The others looked at him. “It’s an ear worm. Cause it goes in your ear...and puts a thing into it and you can’t get it out. Like...an ear worm...” He slunk down. “Never mind.” 

Wally rolled his eyes. “Your timing is literally the worst.” 

ADULT ACTIVIST ALLIANCE: E.A.R.W.O.R.M.: 

Eel  
Apparatus   
Reinterprets   
Words  
Orally  
Recited   
Muckily 

*Effectiveness and definition may vary based on faction* 

Location: Planet Pulsar 

The planet Pulsar; located in the outer belt of the Universe. Made from the asteroids collided from the blast of a collapsed star, Pulsar sits unknown or perhaps forgotten by the Galactic Kids Next Door and remains untouched by its influence. Long ago, as the aging virus spread, the Children of Pulsar sought to keep their power, not allowing the dangers of Adult activity to corrupt their great society. What was once stone and crystal, grew into a lush forest of every color, Treehouses built high above with flowers growing every color imaginable. Art is painted on the walls, slides and trampolines replacing the standard stairs and elevators. 

Here, the economy is run on fun. Anything that is un-fun is quickly sent away to a place no one dare mention. The most feared and contaminated place in the galaxy. 

But then again, we all know where that is. 

Our heroes found themselves in such a place when they were captured by the mysterious creature known only as the Highway Man. He, they agreed to call him, lead them into this place with the full intention of selling them off to the highest bidder. However, he couldn’t hope to get a decent price for rarity alone. No, in this world, something must have value beyond mere price in order to be worth anything. 

“Society run by kids,” Wally shuddered as they were being led out of the ship. “Is there anything grosser than that?” 

Abby scoffed. “War. Hunger. Slavery.” 

They were taken to a holding cell down below the ground, where the Highway Man spoke to one of the Child guards. Abby tried to explain who they were to the guard, but they didn’t seem to care or know what the Kids Next Door even was. Finally, the Child alien, who like the Highway Man was human-like but with tuffs of hair in strange places and even larger eyes, crooked teeth, and big ears, turned to face the Earthlings. This Alien had an orange-ish skin tone that shifted in the light to a red, the opposite of how it was supposed to work. Their armor was nothing but carefully arranged pots and pans compiled into a suit. They looked more as if it was playing pretend than an actual guard. 

“You come every year with strange creatures,” They said to the Highway Man. “And every year you lose.”

The Highway Man shook his head. “This time. This time win.” 

“Alright. Well, we only got room for two more entries,” it looked them over. “Enie, meinie, minie, mo...” 

“Oh, come on!” Wally screamed. “Can’t you just tell us what’s goin’ on? Or at least have a cool way of pickin’ somebody!” 

“Ugh. Teenagers.” They rolled their eyes. “Fine. It’s the annual festival of colors. Two of you will fight in our grand arena along with all the other contestants. Last Teenager standing wins. If you win, then you get gift of your choice granted by our glorious ruler. There can only be one winner, blah blah blah...” 

“Hold up. If we win, we get whatever we want?” Abby asked. Her interest peaked. This was never good. “I can get my ship back from pack-rat over there?” 

“Your ship gone,” he said smiling. “Only mine.” 

She nodded. “Alright. I volunteer.” 

“What?” Hoagie protested. “Abigail are you sure-” 

“Even if we do get out of here, we can’t get off the planet without a ship and I’d rather not have more enemies after us. I can win this thing with my hands tied.” 

“Whatever!” the kid groaned. “So it’s you and...” 

Wally stepped forward. “I guess I’ll-”

“You.” 

The narrow finger pointed past Wally towards Kuki. She grew red. “M-me?” Frantically shaking her hands, she backed away. “No, no I can’t. I mean I couldn’t. I’m too modest. I don’t wanna die!” 

The Child looked puzzled. “Die? Who said you would die?” 

“You said the last one standing wins,” Hoagie repeated. “Where we come from that means a fight to the death.” 

“What? No! That’s horrible!” they looked offended. “Who would do something like that?” 

The group looked at each other, not sure how to respond. 

Abby turned her head. “So just what is this game anyway?” 

The Child guard explained. 

“Paintball?” Abby looked over the rules, pacing up and down her cell. “That’s it? Just real whacky paintball?” 

Kuki sighed with relief. “Thank goodness.” 

“If it’s paintball then I should do it!” Wally insisted. “I’ve been dyin’ to shoot smarmy kids in the face with paint for years!” 

“Nope. I want her.” The kid said. 

“Why?” Wally was starting to whine more than usual. 

“Because you’re a Poop Head and she’s better,” they stated. They spit at Wally, who spit back. 

After about a minute of this, Abby finally convinced the guard to let her and Kuki out. She reassured the boys of their victory, but they still weren’t swayed. Wally called out to his girlfriend one last time before she disappeared into the light, looking back at him worriedly. 

“God, I hate kids,” he said gruffly. He looked back at Hoagie, who was staring intensely into space. “Guess I’m stuck with you then.” 

Hoagie looked at him, his gaze sharp. Wally waited for him to say something like he usually did, about how something wasn’t as it appeared, or he had figured something out. But he didn’t. He just looked at him for a while before speaking. 

“You don’t have any weed, do you?” 

Wally laughed for a bit before realizing he wasn’t joking. “Oh.” 

“Here is your paint-gun. Each contains 100 rounds. If you run out of ammo, you’ll have to steal some from our starter locations. These paintballs will paralyze you so do not accidentally shoot yourself with one. Last one standing wins. Like literally. If you can still stand by the end of the game, you win.” 

Kuki gulped. They had taken Abby into a different room. Apparently, they were going to have to compete against each other. She wished Wally was here instead of her. 

“Some people have formed alliances but mostly Teenagers just like to hit each other with paintballs so they dissolve pretty quickly. The temptation is always too much.” The tiny Alien child explained this to Kuki while fitting her into her body armor. Which, surprisingly, was not just pots tied together with a colander over her head. She had on a vest, a dark green undershirt, and pants. She never wore tight-fitting clothes, her breasts always too big for them or kept falling out. She preferred dresses and long-sleeved sweaters. “Kids in the audience can also give you ammo and weapons, but you have to be really likable.” 

Kuki frowned.

Likable. 

Any other day, she thought, she could stir this crowd up easily. What if she did something they didn’t like? Could that really make or break her chances of winning? Like she could win. She could have all the sympathy in the Universe but that wouldn’t mean she was good enough to win. 

It was just like then. 

We think it best you leave the squad. 

In case something like this happens in the future...

Kuki puffed up her chest. 

No. This was her chance to prove herself. To prove that Kuki Sanban wasn’t just a rich girl who had everything given to her on a silver platter. She would win this competition and win all of their hearts. 

She could do it. 

Hoagie inhaled the joint rolled from the leaves Wally had been secretly stashing in his shoes away from his girlfriend, the good shit he always forgot he had. The punk boy watched, in slight amazement and a bit of concern. 

“You done this before?” 

Hoagie coughed loudly, as though he were going to hack up a lung. “No. Never.” He went in for another inhale.

“Whoa. Okay, Mate, slow down. I only have three of these.” Wally took the joint from him, giving himself a good hit. 

“Sorry.” He coughed again. 

“What crawled up your ass?” 

Hoagie’s eyes narrowed. “Your girlfriend,” he said. “Threw out my meds.” 

That was the last thing Wally was expecting to hear. “Wait, really?” His friend nodded. “Why?” 

“Oh, she thought I stole them,” Hoagie grumbled. He readjusted his seated position on the stone floor. Wally’s stare burned a hole through his head, a grin appearing on his face. “What?” 

“Did you?”

“No!” Hoagie defended. Wally didn’t stop staring. “Of course not. Not from like...a person. I know this guy. His dad’s a pharmacist. He calls in fake scripts and sells them. Mostly adderall and anxiety meds, but he can get all sorts’a stuff. And trust me. I need stuff.” 

Wally handed him back the joint. “How come you gotta get it from that guy if you need it so badly?” He asked. “Your family’s got money, don’t they?” 

Hoagie laughed facetiously. Again, not what Wally was expecting. “Oh yeah, that’ll go over well. Hey, Mom! Guess what? I need therapy cause I’ve got severe PTSD and it’s all thanks to you!” He paused for a minute. “It’s not really her fault. Well, it’s sort of her fault. It’s complicated. My life’s complicated. You got any food in there?” He coughed again. “Or water?” 

Wally chortled. “You good, mate?”

“I don’t smoke,” he said, the redness appearing in his eyes. 

“First time, eh? Yeah. I remember my first high. Some kid snuck brownies into the school and everybody got caught except for me. It was a good day.” 

“Oh, I’ve been high before,” Hoagie explained. “Just not smoking...related...” 

Wally couldn’t hide his beam. “I don’t believe you.” 

“Oh-ho, don’t you?” Hoagie’s single brow lifted above his glasses. “Ritalin, Ambien, Vicodin, Oxycontin, Advil that one time, that was fun...” 

“Holy shit, man!” 

“You ever been hospital high?” 

Wally shook his head. 

“Dude, I’m telling you. You haven’t been high till you’ve been hospital high. I mean, I haven’t tried psychedelics. But Morphine...God’s drug of choice. I’d bet money on it.” 

“I dunno. DMT’s lit.”

Hoagie laughed. 

“All that just to deal with your family?” 

He quieted. “W-Well...not...I mean...” 

“Hey, Mate. I get it. Listen, I have to be high to deal with my family. My old man, love’m to bits, drives me absolutely off the edge. He wants to believe so badly in the American Dream it pisses me off. He’s got this blue-collar office job where he makes copies for a living. Copies. Of just random shit. That’s literally all I know about what he does. N’ technically we ain’t even supposed’ta be in the school district but my dad wanted me to go to school with those rich snobs so much he fuckn’ petitioned the board to let me in.” He stopped, realizing what he might have said. “Not that you’re...I mean...crud that came out wrong.” 

“Well, I might be a snob, but I’m definitely not a rich one.” Hoagie leaned back. “We’re up to our necks in debt. Only reason we can keep our house is cause my Mom works double shifts and doesn’t take vacation time. Since the market crashed, wasn’t much she could do.” 

“Fuckin’ Capitalism.” 

“Yeah. I think your dad sounds awesome though.” 

Wally turned florid. “N-no! He’s awful! You know what he did? When I was ten, he bought a pool. A pool! Put it in right in the backyard!” 

Hoagie giggled. “The fiend.” 

“I told him I don’t want a pool. I never wanted a pool. Nobody wants the bloody pool! And what does he do?” 

“You spoiled it.” 

“All that cash on the bloody thing and we never use it! Stupid piece of shit drained itself. Who knows how that happened? Now we got this...sand pit in our yard. Just a pit of sand. And he’s so proud of it! Shows it off to everyone! Look everyone! Look at my pit of sand!”

Hoagie shrugged. “Call me crazy, but I think it’s a nice gesture.” 

“It’s keepin’ up with the Joneses is what it is.” 

“You ever think...maybe he got you a pool cause he didn’t want you to feel left out?”

Wally started to speak but stopped again. 

“Seems to me he cared more about making sure you were accepted by the community than his own wealth and reputation.” He shrugged. “But my dad was deployed when I was eight, so I guess I’m not the expert on father-son relationships.” 

Wally tried to cover his pinkening face. Sure, he could pass it off as the high, but truth be told he wasn’t really that far-gone. He decided to change the subject instead. “So....when were you on Morphine?” 

Hoagie didn’t hesitate. “Oh. I fell out a window.” 

“Out a window?!”

He nodded. “Two stories.” 

“Fuck.” 

“Yeah.” 

They sat there for a while, just listening to the air whistle by. Wally pulled out another bag, rolling a second joint and trading it with Hoagie’s used one. Lighting it, he sat up. 

“To family,” he said. “May they fuck us up less in the future.” 

Hoagie smiled and toasted Wally’s joint with his own. “To family.” 

A few minutes later, the Child guard came back around. With great annoyance and much apprehension, he approached the cell. “Hey. Teenagers. Game’s about to start. You comin’ or what?” 

Hoagie shook his head in confusion. “We’re not supposed to stay here?” 

“I mean, you are but whatever. It’s the color festival. And at least one of you isn’t totally annoying.” They looked at Wally. 

“Hey!” 

The cell door pushed open. “Come on. Or not. Whatever. I don’t care.” 

Wally and Hoagie looked at each other. 

“Kids of all ages, welcome to the fifty fifth annual Pulsar Festival of Colors Paintball Game!” The announcer exclaimed to the thousands of Child Aliens in the rafters, cheering, their bodies covered with paints of every color. “It is a beautiful day for paintball, Kids, and the crowd is geared up to see some great action out here on the field. Each contestant has been brought here from all over the Universe for the chance to win one thing they have always wanted given by their royal Majesty themself! Of course, it can only be one thing and that thing must be real. We can’t have people wishing for flying tigers...Shawn.” 

Somewhere, a camera worker was hiding behind their equipment at that statement. 

“We have some tough competition this year, Kids! Some returning favorites, some new comers, all hoping to win that sweet, sweet prize.” There was a pause, static rang over the intercom. “What’s this? Apparently two more contestants have been added. From a place called E-ah-rth.” 

Wally’s scream could be heard from the audience. “It’s Earth you Dipshit!” 

“Well, they’re gonna have to get a lotta luck here, folks. I doubt the vets’ll go easy on them. Oh!” The tone shifted. “And here they come now.” 

The crowd started to cheer again as the contestants rose up into the arena from below. Kuki and Abby could see each other from their selected spot. There was a long, anticipatory silence as they waited. The tension in the air rose. Suddenly there was a loud noise that rung from all sides of the enormous arena. The Aliens sprang into action, starting to fire their paint guns rapidly at one another. They came from all biomes and species, from blistering deserts to tropical forests. Some with four arms, others with six legs, some more human, some more or less like other Earth animals. Some didn’t even resemble anything from Earth. Whatever they were, Kuki and Abby knew the aliens wouldn’t take them seriously. 

Abby, knowing that she had to form an alliance with Kuki, dove out of the line of fire, running out of the mess of paint and further into the playing field. It expanded further than she imagined, turning into a forest with large trees and hanging canopies. She managed to grab Kuki’s hand and take her with her up the tree. She wasn’t the only one to have this idea, however, and knew they would have to move quickly. 

“Kuki,” She said, cocking the single paintball rifle she had been given. “Stay here and don’t stand. Make it look like I shot you down.” 

Kuki was confused. “But they’ll notice--” 

“Not if you move minimally,” she explained. Her back was pressed up against the trunk of the tree. Her all-black outfit made her stand out more than Kuki did. That didn’t seem fair at all. “I’m gonna get their attention and take out as many as I can. They won’t come after you till all the moving targets are outta the game. Once the announcer says there’s only two left, I’ll find you and we’ll win this together. That way even if I get taken down, we still gotta chance.” 

“Abby-” 

“Failure ain’t an option,” she said coldly. “Abby’s already pissed off as it is.” 

Kuki nodded. “Be careful.” 

But Abby lightly punched Kuki’s chin, causing her to blush like crazy. “I’m a secret agent for the Teens Next Door, Baby. I could do this in my sleep.” With that, she stood, evaluating the situation below. She heard the cocking of a gun behind her, a blue ball hissing past her face. She dodged it with a slight move, instinctively pointing her rifle behind her and shooting a red paintball back knocking the Alien out of the tree, paralyzed. She examined her work with a grin. “Huh. Red.” She licked her lips. “My favorite color.” 

With that, she scanned the rest of the trees, knocking down the rest of the contestants with little to no effort. Hopping down to the ground, she saw a group of large, gruff-looking Aliens with thick orange scales and no armor approaching. The biggest one spotted her, the one behind them shooting at her direction with a green paintball. 

“Hey, look. It’s the little hick from that nothing planet,” They sang mockingly. “I see you, Alien.” 

Kuki sat stiff in the tree, just peering down enough to see what was happening. 

“Come on out. We promise we won’t shoot you,” they said, the others snickering behind them. But when they rounded the tree, Abby was nowhere to be seen. “Huh? Where’d it-” 

Bang! A red ball rocketed through the air, hitting one in the back of the head. Bang! Bang! Bang! Three more, taken down. To paralyze the opponent, first the head, then the arm, finally the leg. 

“You Bitch!” The larger alien screamed, their henchmen shooting a barrage of colors behind them. But Abby was already behind a different tree, firing a different set of balls at the remaining members. The Leader brought forward their weapon, a large cannon of green paint. It fired, splattering the tree. But they felt a cool hard surface at the base of their neck, causing them to drop in a panic. They looked around, their entire squad of ten on the ground completely paralyzed, red coating the floor. 

“Now, now,” She spoke coldly. “Children are watching this. You might wanna watch your language.” She cocked the gun. 

“No no! Please don’t shoot!” They begged. “I can be useful to you! We can form an alliance!” 

“No thanks.” 

“Please, I’m begging you!” 

Abby shook her head. “Sorry. I have to win. And you don’t have the skill to be on my team.” 

Bam. One, two, four. They were down. From somewhere far away, a crowd was erupting. Some were cheering, others were screaming angrily. Abby collected the useful gear from her catch. 

“Humans,” she said before turning to walk away from the mess. “We’re called humans and we’re from Earth.”

“There they are!” A smaller Alien shouted. “That’s the one who took out our sniper!” 

“Get them!” 

Abby rolled her eyes as the charge of desperate teenagers attacked. For revenge? For glory? She didn’t know. She shot them one at a time, dodging their paint easily. And it continued this way for a long time. She moved through each section, shooting down her opponents left and right. She didn’t feel any particular pleasure or remorse. It was just a game after all. A game that she was stuck playing while the rest of her planet was suffering. It was more annoying than anything. Bullets, grenades, bombs, it was all the same. Eventually, the screams of fear just turned into white noise. 

Kuki watched from the trees, her altitude allowing her to see most of what was happening. What she couldn’t see, she heard as the announcer recounted left and right each of the exploits of the mysterious paint assassin that had wound up in an innocent game. She felt bad for the other contestants, but she also wondered what Abby’s training must have been like. She hugged her knees. She was just watching again, waiting for someone else to do something, to fight the battle. Granted, Abby was much more qualified for this sort of thing than Kuki was, but...she sighed. If it were Wally, he would have insisted he fight along with her. Wally could blindly charge into any situation without feeling any doubt or intimidation. If he knew it was right, he never hesitated. 

She heard the rustling of leaves and assumed position. 

A purple Alien stepped out from the bushes, single pistol in hand. “Don’t move.” 

The Alien before Abby was nearly three times her height. They held what looked like an AK39, laughing hysterically. They were mentioning how she was to tremble under the might of its power, or something, when a flare shot out of the sky. Abby looked and saw it was coming from the area where she had left Kuki. Shit. She turned back to the Giant, who was still rambling, knocking them out instantly with her bullets. As they complained, she kicked the weapon out of their hands. 

“For a planet that makes this an annual thing, y’all act like you ain’t never seen a gun before.” She grimaced as she walked away from him. “You’re lucky it’s just paint.” 

“It looks like the other Earth Alien has been found!” 

Abby groaned. “Ah, licorice.” 

“Will their fellow...what is it? Human? Oh. Will their fellow human come to their aid? Or will they continue on their rampage to victory? The crowd is in band-aids, Kids.” 

Kuki stared at the silky purple Alien. She couldn’t do anything. Even if she could, she wouldn’t know what to do. Shoot it? Risk being shot herself and ruining the plan? 

“Don’t move,” they said, the barrel pointed at her. 

“I can’t,” Kuki tried. 

But the Alien shook their head. “I know you can. Your comrade is creating a stir and luring everyone to them, so you can win. I have seen this before.” 

“Why won’t you shoot me, then?” Kuki tried to act brave but couldn’t hide the quiver in her voice. 

“It isn’t you I want to fight,” they replied. 

“Kuki!” Abby’s voice echoed from below. “Are you hit?” 

“Abby!” Kuki called back down. “No, I’m not but--” 

“This is it, Kids. Only seven more in the ring! And it looks like the Human Assassin may have met their match! Who are you rooting for? Place your bets now!” The announcement rang out. 

“Seven,” Abby stated. “That means only five left.” She smirked. “My lucky number.” 

The purple Alien jumped down from the tree. “You come from a very different place than here,” they spoke more eloquently than the others. Abby backed away slightly. “The way you shoot is not the way my people do. I don’t know if I can allow such a creature to win this game.” 

“I’m just playin’ to win,” Abby said. “Ain’t that the point?”

“And yet you have not laughed or had any fun.” 

“Where I come from, guns ain’t always fun,” she replied. “They don’t always shoot paint, and people sure as hell don’t enjoy gettin’ hit by’m.” 

“I see.” 

She lifted her rifle. “Yall’re afraid to hit your target. Money, fame, glory, I bet you don’t even know what it is you’re shootin’ for. But I do.” Her eyes were sharp. “So I’d back off if I was you.” 

Bang! The blue paintball flew towards Abby’s feet, which she managed to dodge, firing back. The Alien narrowly missed the attack starting to fire rapidly. Abby dove behind a rock, reloading her weapon as fast as she could. When she did, she flipped over the Alien, shooting from above them, but they were able to maneuver out of the way and fire back. Abby had no choice. She split off and ran. 

“Abby!” Kuki called. She stood up from her seated position, sliding down the tree. 

“Kuki! What are you doing?!” Wally was screaming from his seat in the lowest section, only able to see what was happening through the monitors that were capturing everything on film. “Shoot the bitch!” 

“Is it a female?” Hoagie scratched his head, still feeling the effects of his high. “Do these Aliens have genders? Or is that just a construct? They have to have some kind of procreative organs though, right? I wonder what a kid society even looks like...” 

“What the fuck does it matter?!” Wally shouted back. “Come, on, Abby! Take her down! Rub her face in your pits! Throw her into the mud! Attica! Attica!” 

“You guys know that Human?” One of the Aliens next to them asked. 

Hoagie smiled, leaning back. “Well, it may interest you to know that we are also--” 

“Fuck her face! Dip it in acid and then paint it with your blood, Abby!” 

Hoagie flinched at his friend’s abrasiveness. “Humans.” 

“Cool!” The Alien had now collected a group of more Aliens. “You guys all come here together?” 

“Yeah, actually,” Hoagie said. “We were picked up by a scavenger in the outer corners of the...” He still struggled to say ‘outer corners of the Universe’ as though that were possible. “You know, in space. We were hoping to contact the Galactic Kids Next Door but were set off course.” 

“The galactic what?” 

“Sorry, I don’t think we have one of them.” 

Hoagie sighed. It was worth a shot. “Anyway. The one in the black suit, that’s Abigail. And the one in the green is Kuki. I’m Hoagie and that’s Wally screaming at the ref.” He leaned in and lowered his voice. “Kuki’s his girlfriend. If you know what that means.” 

“Oh,” the Teenage Alien nodded with a sleazy grin. “I know what that means.” They propped up their feet. “So what were you guys doing all the way out in scavenger territory anyway?” 

Hoagie laughed, brushing his cheek with his pointer finger. “Well...” 

It seemed as though the shooting would never end. Kuki snuck closer to where the action was, Abby and the Alien still going at it with as much stamina as the beginning of the fight. The ground was like a pointalist painting, speckled with red and blue which from a distance looked like a sea of purple. As she approached, Kuki could hear bits of their conversation becoming clearer. 

“I cannot allow myself to be defeated by someone who does not appreciate the joy of victory,” a voice shouted over the fire. 

“Joy?” Abby’s voice followed. “I’ll be joyful when I’m off this stupid planet!” 

“No respect for the game. No respect for fun!” 

“Bein’ kidnapped and forced to play a game sorta takes the fun out of it,” Abby snorted. “Come on, let’s end this.” 

More shooting commenced. Kuki ran closer watching as the two figures slid out at the same time, their guns loaded. They slid onto the ground, barrels pointed at each other’s chests. They panted, knowing it was a draw. 

“Why...do you have to win...so badly?” The Alien asked between heaves. 

Abby’s eyes were dark. One caught Kuki’s clothes out of its corner. She made just enough eye contact to see the girl’s worried face, now not even bothering to protect herself. Kuki didn’t know what to do or say, but just stood there plain as day, open to attack at any moment. 

“Now I see,” the Alien said. The barrel of their gun moved away from Abby over to Kuki. 

Bang! Abby’s gun went off, the red ball making a welt on her opponent’s chest area. However, at the same time the Alien’s gun also went off, hitting Abby in the leg. Abby looked at it, then at her opponent. Her lips cracked as she started to laugh. This startled them at first, but soon the Alien dropped their weapon. 

“You got me!” Abby laughed. “You actually got me!” 

The Alien soon joined in. “You hit me! I thought I was a goner for sure!” 

“That was pretty fun,” Abby admitted. “Sorta forgotten what that felt like.” 

“Abby!” Kuki rushed to help. 

“Kuki! Stay back!” Abby warned, but the Alien waved their hands in defeat. 

“Human,” the Alien said. “I have no more reason to fight with you. Now that I understand...your spirit.” It lay there, crossing its arms over itself. “Until next year, my friend.” 

And somewhere in the distance, the crowd went wild. 

“Help me up--” Abby said. Kuki rushed to her side, hoisting her arm around her shoulder. 

“Uh-oh. Looks like there are only Five contestants left,” the Announcer said. “That means it’s time for.... the rain of colors!” 

“Rain’a what now?” Abby and Kuki didn’t have time to think about the answer before the sky began to darken above them. “Oh no.” 

Kuki dragged Abby into a nearby cave, narrowly missing the assault of colored paint that would soon cascade down from the heavens. With her leg shot, Abby could no longer participate in the paintball war. Kuki worriedly set her up against the wall of the cave. Thankfully, there was no one there but the two of them. 

“Ah, shit!” Abby cursed looking out the mouth of the cave and then back at her calf. She couldn’t even move her toes now. 

Kuki’s head hung low. “Abby. I’m so sorry. I should have just stayed in my place. I got worried...” 

Abby rolled her shoulder. “Nah. Abby got a little carried away.” She looked into the cave, noticing the many abandoned weapons lying about. “Looks like we weren’t the first to have this idea.” 

Kuki didn’t look up. 

“Four,” Abby stated. “You’ll have to take out the rest.” 

Kuki flushed. “What? Me? No, I can’t do that!” 

“You have to. If you don’t, we don’t get off this planet. We don’t get off this planet, we don’t get to Nigel.” 

She fiddled with her hands. “I haven’t even drawn my gun this whole fight. And then you had to go and save me. Just like every other time...” 

There was a long pause. Then, Abby pursed her lips. “Hm.” 

“Hm?” Kuki tilted her head. 

“I’m just rememberin’ somethin’,” she said. 

Kuki sat up. “Wh-what is it?”   
Abby shrugged. “Well, if you can’t continue with the battle there ain’t no point in me tellin’ ya.” 

Kuki swallowed. “Tell me.” 

Abby smirked, raising an eyebrow. 

“Please tell me!” 

“There was a girl I knew a long time ago,” she said. “Once on her birthday, she begged to lead a mission of her own. She wanted it so bad, and for us we were obligated to make that birthday wish come true. But we were all worried, cause she wasn’t exactly what we thought of when we thought of a leader. So, instead of trustin’ her and givin’ her a real mission, we gave her some half-baked errand to run.” 

“That wasn’t very nice.” 

“I know,” Abby admitted. “It was a mistake too. A villain showed up and she ended up waltzin’ right into a trap.”

“Uh-oh.”

She nodded. “When we found out, we raced over fast as we could to save her. But when we got there, we were too late. She had-–” 

“The villain killed her?!” Kuki gasped in anticipation. 

Abby chuckled. “Girl, listen. When we got there, she had already defeated him. She did it without our help, without even a hint of advice. She said it was the best birthday ever, despite almost gettin’ eaten by sharks.” 

“S-sharks?” Kuki shuddered. 

“Mm-Hm. Sharks.” Abby tried to push herself up a bit. “And you know what? We never doubted her again.” She grinned. “Sometimes, ya’ don’t know what you can do till you’re forced to do it.” 

“But Abby...” Kuki fumbled with her fingers. “I can’t—” 

“I know you want to save your sister,” she said. “But you gotta save yo’self first. That’s how it works.” 

Kuki sat for a while, thinking this over. “Was the girl in the story you?” 

“What do you think?” 

Kuki gasped. 

“These Aliens are scary,” Abby agreed. She reached forward, pinching Kuki’s chin gently. “But they ain’t sharks.”

The showers finally calmed, slowing to a slight drizzle and eventually stopping. The announcement was played under the intercom. 

“Looks like it’s about that time,” Abby remarked. 

“Four left, huh?” Kuki picked up her gun, standing to her feet. 

“Yep. You think you can handle it?” 

“It just so happens,” Kuki spun towards her, her bright smile illuminating the cave. “Four is my lucky number!” 

The group of rowdy teenage Aliens leaned in towards the screen, shouting at it and each other. Abby and Kuki’s cave conversation was being played for all to see, and the crowd was eating it up. Half of them were squirming due to the grossness, the other on the edge of their seats waiting to see what happened. 

“Kiss!” One teenager shouted. 

“Let’s see some action!” Another added. 

Hoagie found himself leaning on the bar, letting the drowsiness hit him. “I swear, the things Abigail says...A ten-year-old fighting sharks?” He ignored the howlers around him. He turned to Wally who was now standing further away from him, shouting with the boys. 

“Come on!” He yelled. “Lay one on her! Let’s get some sexy time!” 

Hoagie just blinked. “That’s your girlfriend.” 

“I know! But the tension’s killin’ me!” his friend groaned. 

Hoagie shook his head. Wally and Kuki were interesting people. 

“Hey Human,” Hoagie’s new Alien friend said. “You say somethin’ about a memory machine? I seen one’a those before.” 

Hoagie brightened up. “What? You have? Where!” 

“It was a long time ago. I don’t know if they make them anymore. But my father used to say that Kids were able to stay in power so long because creatures didn’t wanna let go of their childhoods...There was this rare metal called Nostronarium that kept beings from forgetting the details of their past. When the Adults rebelled against Kid’s rule they destroyed all of the Nostronarium caves on this planet and the others around it. But apparently it still exists in other sectors of the Universe.” 

“Did you hear that, Wally?” Hoagie turned to his friend excitedly. “If we find this Nostronarium we can fix the recommissioning module!” 

“This is a fucking rip-off!” He whined, not listening. “I want my money back!” 

Hoagie squinted. “You don’t have any money. We were brought here as prisoners...” 

“You’re queer-baiting! That ain’t cool!” He berated. “You should be fired for taking advantage of a marginalized community!” 

“Again, distant planet ruled by kids. Gender might not be a thing--” 

“You sayin’ she’s gonna leave me for Abby?” 

“...That has nothing to do with what I said.” 

The thought hung in the air for a moment. “Oh my god what if she leaves me for Abby!” 

But Hoagie laughed. “She’s not gonna do that.” 

“Kuki! I changed my mind! Don’t kiss her even though it would be really hot if you did!” 

“Oh my god...”

“I love you please don’t leave me! I’ll buy you all the Rainbow Monkeys you want!” he cried. “Kuki!!” 

Kuki had rigged the cave to shower with a series of paintballs should anyone come in the cave entrance. She hid behind the biggest rock she could find and waited. Sure enough, two slippery figures came by, looking for flesh to pummel their paint into. 

“Well, well,” The first Alien said. They were bright yellow with long faces and beady eyes. They looked at Abby, who was hanging out slightly inside the cave entrance as bait. “Look what the rain dug up. It’s the Earth bitch.” 

“I’m still armed,” Abby pointed out to them. “I can shoot you down and it’ll still count.” 

“Oh, of course,” they teased, tossing a paint grenade up and down in their hand. “How foolish of me. Well, in that case I guess I’ll just have to make it so you can’t move anymore.” The grenade flew into the cave, exploding everything with a thick white paint. Kuki stayed behind the rock, silent. 

Abby coughed, losing the feeling in her body. She had covered her face during the blow, so she could still speak. “Wow. You got me,” she jeered. “So impressive. You should have a medal for your valor.” 

“Ho, I’m not done with you,” they snarled. “You think you can just show up here and take away our well-deserved victory? You’re gonna fucking wish you had stayed on that po-dunk planet of yours.” 

“Come n’ get me then,” Abby retorted. 

But the Aliens just laughed. “Like I’d fall for that trick.” They lifted their arm to reveal a second appendage hiding beneath it. It shot out of the Alien’s body, wrapping like a vine against Abby’s foot. 

“Oh fuck,” she whispered. “Not again.” 

They yanked her out of the cave, causing her to trigger the paint rig that Kuki had set up. A rainbow of colors splashed all around the rocks. Kuki hid until it was over. But when she finally stood up to see, Abby and the Aliens were nowhere to be found. In a panic, Kuki began to pace around the cave. What could she do? She had to save her, right? But how? There were only four. She could handle only four, couldn’t she? 

Just then, a small shadow came from inside the entrance. Kuki backed away from it, hiding back behind the rock as it floated towards her. She brought the shield she had created up to her body. It was a box, floating by what looked to be a balloon. She shot the balloon with her gun, but when it popped only air came out. That was surprising. She made her way carefully to the box. There was a note tied to it in an alien language she couldn’t read. On the back, however, was a tiny message scribbled in English, Wally’s handwriting. 

Says: You can do it!   
Love, your fans

“My fans?” Kuki repeated before remembering what she was told at the beginning of the game. “I have fans!” She gasped with glee. 

But what was in the box? 

Kuki opened it. And when she did, a smile appeared on her face. This wasn’t her usual smile either. This smile had been latent for a long, long time. And unbeknownst to Kuki herself, was about to unleash something into the world that not even she was prepared for. 

Abby flinched as much of her face as she could as a thick, slimy tongue slathered itself over her cheek. Disappointed, it retracted, the mouth it came from making a small noise. 

“Man. I thought it’d taste like chocolate,” they grunted. 

Her face twisted with annoyance. “You go around lickin’ shit thinkin’ it’s chocolate just cause it’s brown?” 

“No way. That would be stupid.” 

Abby couldn’t roll her eyes harder. 

“What about the other one?” Their partner said. “Think it’ll show up?” 

“If it does, we’ll take it out,” the first said. They looked over to a set of perhaps ten other Aliens, grounded from the battle but only paralyzed from the waist down. “Shoot anything that moves.” They went back down to Abby, towering their much bigger body over her. It curiously poked her. “It’s so gross. Its got tiny furs all over it.” It grabbed Abby’s ponytail, yanking her upward. “And what is this stuff?” 

“Ow! That’s my hair!” 

The Alien cupped it in their fingers, feeling the strange texture. “What does it do?” 

Abby grimaced. “Strangles anyone who touches it.” 

The braid dropped immediately. 

“I got a bad feeling,” the partner said. 

“Only two more to go,” They reassured them. “Don’t worry. After today, we’ll never have to step foot in those broccoli mines ever again.” 

Abby’s pupils grew. “Broccoli mines?” She tried to sit up but found it impossible. “There are broccoli mines all the way out here?” 

“I’m never going back,” the first Alien said. “I’ll die first.” 

“So that’s how it is,” Abby said lowly. “It ain’t just fun n’ games after all.” 

A strong hand grabbed her jaw. “You got that right. Now when they come, you tell your little partner to forfeit or else-” 

“I can’t do that.” 

“I’m giving you a warning-” 

“I’m sorry for you, but we have to win this game. We have to get off of this planet soon or else we may not have a planet to go home to. As much as I’d like to help you, now ain’t exactly the best time.” 

Crack. 

A twig broke off in the distance. 

Abby’s jaw tensed. 

This was it. 

“Hey! Ref! What the fuck?!” Hoagie had somehow climbed onto the rail of the pit where the bars enclosing them were. “You can’t let them do that! Call a foul!” 

A kid turned around. “What. Foul? There are no fouls in this game.” 

“No f-- That thing just licked her! I’m pretty sure that’s assault? And anyway, aren’t kids watching this? You can’t show them this shit--” 

“Watch it, Teenager! Or we’ll send you back below.” 

“Seriously? My language is what offends you here? She’s out of the game! Tell it to back off!” 

“If it gets icky we’ll cut to commercial.” 

“Are you fucking kidding me?” 

“Hey!” They warned again. 

Hoagie looked at his fellow human for guidance. “Wally, come on! You’re just gonna sit here and let this happen?” 

But he stopped as soon as he saw his friend’s face. His eyes were wide, bloodshot for more reasons than one, mouth slightly agape. 

“Wally?” 

“It’s coming. I can feel it, the nip in the air...” he began, as though in a trance. His back was tensed and upright, not hunched in its usual slouch. “It’s been unleashed.” A bead of sweat ran down his neck as he swallowed. “Oni.” 

Hoagie sat back down. “Oni?” 

“Oni ni Kanabō,” he whispered. “The demon with the iron club.” 

“Demon?” 

“I’ve only seen it once. A long, long time ago.” He gripped his knee, focusing intently on the screen. “Kuki.” 

“Kuki...” Hoagie thought aloud. “So Kuki could still win this thing!” 

“You don’t understand,” Wally shook his head. “This ain’t about the game. That’s all over. It’s been over since they sent that package.” He exhaled, speaking from his breath. “The real question is, how much will it eat till it’s had its fill? And will this game be enough to quench its thirst?” 

“Dude you’re freaking me out.” Hoagie looked back up at the screen. 

He knew Kuki could have a temper, he had seen her get into fights with her parents, who also had a lot of pent-up anger. He saw it in Mushi more, but the way Wally was sweating he knew that something unearthly was coming out to play, perhaps not even something of this plane of existence. 

A demon. 

He swallowed. 

And they gave that demon a gun.

Crack. 

“I heard something!” One of the yellow Aliens cocked their gun. The others followed suit. 

There was soft sound, a mist had settled into the ground. A colorful mist, not enough to paralyze but simply to intoxicate. From the shroud of pink mist, the sound lifted. 

They could hear it now. 

Giggling. 

“It’s here,” one of them said. 

“Kuki?” 

Sure enough, the black shadow appeared in the fog. 

“Shoot it down!” The paint bullets flew through the fog, but nothing landed. 

The giggling got louder. The shadow got bigger. And then...

“It’s singing.” 

The words were chaotic and out of rhythm, cramming to fit in with the structure. The singing was in another language, one that didn’t translate well. 

Tick...tick...tick...boom! A grenade from the back splattered pink paint everywhere. 

“Pink?” the voice called out between giggles. “I was hoping it’d be green. Or maybe dark crimson.” She appeared behind one of the sitting armed Aliens. They could barely hear her whisper “What color is your blood?” before two shining pistols shot two of the remaining five. 

“What are you doing? Get it!” 

“That thing’s even crazier than the first one!” 

One of the yellow Aliens grabbed Abby. “Split off!” it screamed and the two that could run went in different directions. Bang! Two left. Bang. Bang. 

The Alien who had sprinted the opposite direction as the one who took Abby collapsed onto a tree. Surely it would go after his partner who took the other Human first, right? 

But then they heard it. 

The song. 

They looked in every direction but couldn’t find the source. Where to run? They cocked their gun. Out of the corner of their eye, they thought they saw a black wave. They had all but shaken off their nerves when they felt a pair of arms constricting themselves around their body. Something wet and slimy snaked up their face. 

“Aw. I thought you’d taste like lemonade.” 

The Alien screamed in terror. 

Three shots and it fell. 

“How disappointing.” Hearing an aggravated scream in the distance, she headed that direction. 

“That’s one down, Kids! Only two to go!” She heard he announcer cry. “Surely no one, and I mean no one expected this!” 

It didn’t take long for Kuki to locate her next target. She approached, grinning from ear to ear as its sweat made a puddle on the floor. 

“S-s-stay back!” They screamed, shoving the barrel of their gun into Abby’s mouth. “Or I shoot.” 

Kuki just giggled. 

“I’m serious! I’m not fucking around! If you don’t--” 

The sky, then, illuminated red. 

“Oops. Looks like the Vesnov have a red flag,” The announcer said. “Been a while since we’ve seen one of those, Kids. Yep. The ref is calling that a foul. Either the Vesnov takes back the threat or will be disqualified.” 

Shaking, the Vesnov Alien removed their gun from Abby’s mouth, letting her drop to the ground. They could see Kuki’s wide grin from ear to ear, her hair fallen like seaweed over her face. Not knowing what else to do, it charged. Behind her, Kuki could hear another creature charging. She jumped into the air and with her two pistols shot them both down simultaneously. They collapsed. She landed on her feet. 

“And that’s it, kids! I don’t think anyone could have predicted it, but the Earth Alien, I mean, Human, has won the game!” 

Just then, the trees vanished to reveal a colosseum of screaming Kid Aliens. Something wet fell in front of her. She flinched before realizing it wasn’t paint this time, but water. Suddenly, it began to rain. Abby sat up, her body mobile again. Kuki stared blankly at it for a moment before recognizing where she was. 

“Abby!” She cried. “Look! I won! I won the game!” The light shone in her eyes once more. “Take that, Aliens! Haha!” She gloated, shaking her body. Abby just shook her head and smiled.

“This has truly been a remarkable festival, Kids. Truly unforgettable. The crowd is juiced up! I’m juiced up! What a day! What a game! What a funtastic explosion of awesomeness!” 

Kuki waved to her adoring fans, the blush on her face visible from every camera angle. She basked in the glow of her success as she heard the crowd shouting the name of Earth. It didn’t matter if it wasn’t really her name, it was her name they were calling. Her smile they were energized by. She had won. 

Finally, at last, she had won. 

“It’s over,” Wally sighed with relief. “She’s okay.” 

But Hoagie couldn’t get his jaw off the floor long enough to speak. 

Kuki was presented to the Ruler of the Tournament, who asked her what she wanted her prize to be. Kuki thought about this. She could only have one thing, after all so it had to be good. 

“I want...” She saw the Highway Man approach, attempting to claim them back. She pointed at him. “His ship.” 

Wally, who along with the others were let out of their prison for the ceremony, groaned. “That cruddy thing?” He complained. “It’s full of junk!” 

“That’s exactly why I want it!” Kuki said. “I want all the junk in it.” 

“No!” The Highway Man screamed. “Human can’t take my ship! It’s my ship!” 

The King nodded. “It was you who placed the bet, Adult. You know the rules.” 

The Highway Man moaned. “Oh well.” It looked at the other humans. “With humans, will win next time.” 

“Oh, no!” Kuki fake gasped. “You don’t think...I’m sorry. When I asked for the ship I also get everything in the ship. And since you never technically sold us, well, that means we’re still technically prisoners on that ship. And without another ship, you have no place to store us.” She shrugged. “Of course, I could just ask for you instead. Then you’d be my slave forever.” 

“What?!” The Highway Man quivered. “C-Can have ship...” 

“Yay!” Kuki clapped. 

“Well fuck me and tell me I’m pretty,” Hoagie whispered. “That was one hell of a move.” 

“Alright, Kuki!” Wally called out to his girl, swinging her around. He pointed to her, showing off to the cameras. “That’s my girlfriend, people! Don’t you never forget her cause she’s gonna take over the world one day!” His words rang louder than the screaming crowd.

Kuki blushed, hugging him. “Oh, Wallybear! I don’t need fans! You’re everything I need!”

The crowd cheered louder. 

She waved. “But the fans are nice.” 

“Hopefully this will be the last detour,” Abby said. “I dunno much about Alien spaceships, but if it’s got an autopilot I’ll figure it out.”

“Oh, that’s right.” Hoagie ran to Abby. “Abigail-” 

“You don’t gotta worry about me, Baby. Abby’s just fine.” 

Hoagie took a step back. “Psh. I wasn’t worried.” 

“Were too!” Wally jeered. “He was screamin’ like a pussy.” 

“Anyway!” Hoagie brought things back to the matter at hand. “Abigail. I found out some information from some of the locals here.” 

Her senses sharpened. 

“You’re gonna wanna hear this...”

Abby had to dig through the piles of junk for a while, but eventually she retrieved her hat. The ship was put on course, operating the same as the Delightful Children’s ship only much larger and not nearly as elegant. Still, it had a piloting system she could navigate. That was all she could ask for. As they drifted off into space, it was almost as though they hadn’t left. Hoagie went back to work on the Recommissioning module, Wally and Kuki were no doubt somewhere finding out how many positions they could have pleasure themselves in, and she was back to thinking about Nigel. 

Something didn’t sit right with all of this. 

There were broccoli mines? Out in space? Surely the Galactic Kids Next Door wanted to put an end to all of that. But then again, they didn’t know anything about the G:KND out here and from what Hoagie had said, this planet didn’t have any sort of Kids Next Door at all. She supposed there wasn’t a need since Kids ruled. Still, it was unsettling. Adults were sending Teens to the mines, which meant Khlorophyll was being collected for something. If that were true and the G:KND knew about it, then Nigel could already be in the middle of a hostile revolt. In which case, the quarantine could be a prevention measure against a militarizing Teen/Adult army, not just a fear of a spreading virus. 

The Universe itself could be on the brink of war. 

She couldn’t read the Alien script. She couldn’t put in the coordinates for contacting the G:KND. She wondered how Earth has faring, how her parents were surviving under the new order. She thought about Cree and what she had said about Nigel. 

Nigel. 

I hope you have a plan. 

I hope you know what you’re doing. 

I hope you didn’t forget me. 

Three hours...four hours...back to the grind. 

Hoagie felt his eyes closing as he leaned heavily over the table. Huffing a large amount of air, he sat up straight again, looking at the box. It was disassembled again. Apart, together. Apart, together, over and over again. If he knew something, anything, he could figure this out. But he didn’t. He knew some of the parts would need to be replaced, some wires re-attached, but he had no idea where some of those pieces were or even how the ones he did have fit. One such piece was a small dome-like gold cap. Without anything to lose, he decided to disassemble it. 

However, when he put a screw driver to it, it sparked. A bright blue light shot out, causing Hoagie to nearly fall out of his chair. As it settled, a holographic image of a man appeared. A sepia-hued video cut in and out, as though parts of the message were missing. Hoagie recognized the figure right away. 

Hello Son... the image spoke. 

“Mr. Monty?” 

If you’re watching this, then we’ve won.

Congratulations. 

You’re probably wondering why the recommissioning module is broken.

Well, I broke it. 

I had a hunch you might want to use it to get Numbuh Zero back. 

It chortled. 

Well, Look. I would love to have tons more adventures with the super cool Numbuh 1 and his team-

Hoagie felt a lump in his throat. “Number One...” 

But! I’m...just not a kid anymore. I’m an Adult. And I need to complete the most important mission of my life...

Being a good father to my son. 

So. 

You’re the keeper of the book now, Nigel. 

That’s right! 

Keep a stiff upper lip, and make sure everyone gets to write their own crackerjack story...

And with that, the blue light shone brighter and brighter, until it dissipated into the air, as quickly as it came. As the room returned to silence, Hoagie’s jaw slacked open. He could hear the silence now, buzzing in his ear. It was so loud he couldn’t hear himself think. 

Wally peeped in through the door, wanting to check out the new workspace. Of course, it wasn’t going to be as nice as the other one, but with all the junk around he was sure that they would find all the materials they needed and then some. That was good, because Wally was sick of digging for scrap. He brought another bag of weed, which he had forgotten was hidden in one of the used chip bags. The Universe must have known how much he needed it. 

“Hey,” He stumbled over the piles of clutter that was starting to accumulate after Hoagie began working. “You wanna take a break n’ go another round? I forgot about this one. It’s called purple monkey balls. I like to think I’m smoking Kuki’s Rainbow Monkey...Well, you get it.” He looked around, the lights were off. “Gilligan? You in here? Don’t tell me you’re asleep.” Wally opened the door more, allowing for light to pour inside. There, he found Hoagie, his head tucked into his knees on the floor, his glasses beside him. “Come on. You givin’ up already? We haven’t even gotten that what’s-it yet.” Still there was no response. Wally grimaced and worked his way over. “Hey.” 

“I charged your phone,” he said. “You can’t call anybody, but it plays music.” 

“Really?” Wally leaped for joy. “Aww man! You rock, Po’boy! You’re gonna love this. These guys can shred.” He turned, but Hoagie still hadn’t moved from his position. “You know, I don’t think you’ll get much done sittin’ on the job like that.” 

Hoagie tightened, before releasing an extremely tense sigh. “If I show you something, do you promise to keep it a secret?” 

Wally’s face lifted. 

Hoagie pulled out the tiny gold cap, setting it on the ground. Wally sat beside him as he played the message from the beginning. The two sat in silence as the hologram disappeared, finishing its final sentence. 

“Okay, so,” Wally tried to put the pieces together. “Monty was in the Kids Next Door, and he’s also this Uno’ guy’s dad. And....what?” 

“He gave up his memories to be a better father,” Hoagie said solemnly. “And now he doesn’t even remember he had a son.” 

“Oh. Yeah.” 

“It’s just...sad,” he said. 

“Sure, I guess. But—” 

“I mean how is that even fair?” 

“Right.” 

“And the mom? She doesn’t remember either. Why would the Kids Next Door do that? Why would they tear apart a family that way? They didn’t have to take their memories...” He inhaled. “And now even if Uno wanted to come back, he wouldn’t even have a home to go back to! It’s like they didn’t even care. What out there is so great it’s worth leaving your family behind?” 

“I mean I can think of a few things—” 

“His dad gave up everything for him, and he left. He just left. Like it was no big deal. Like it didn’t even matter. He had a dad. A dad who loved him, who was there for him, and he left. All I ever wanted was my dad, and he’s never coming back!” He hugged himself, feeling the impact of what he just said. His eyes peered down as he dug his face into his arms, ashamed of himself. “Sorry.” 

Wally kept quiet for a long time. He knew whatever he said would probably make things worse. Instead, he did the only thing he knew how to do when things like this happened. He rolled a joint and offered it to his friend. 

“To family,” he said. 

Abby sat at the front of the new ship. It was more comfortable now that they had space. She pulled a magazine from her pile and started to flip through it, content that they were back on track. Kuki walked in with Tommy’s cap and a sewing kit she found in his first aid box. She took the seat next to Abby, who didn’t really say anything in response. With a smile, she started to work on the cap, with no conversation between them. Abby looked over at Kuki for a minute, who appeared more tranquil than she had probably ever seen. The girl caught her eye for a moment and the two smiled at each other before going back to their own quiet activity. 

END TRANSMISSION

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: I'm putting a warning in here for uncomfortable non-consensual physical contact not intended to be sexual.


	6. A.B.Y.S.S.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A tip from Pulsar leads the group to a planet entirely made of water in order to find a material that could fix the recommissioning module. Abby's attempts to reconnect with Hoagie go horribly wrong, threatening both the mission and their friendship.

Now Loading...

Code: [RESTRICTED]

Operation: A.B.Y.S.S.

Absent   
Buoyancy   
Yields  
Stressful  
Situations

Written by OfficiallyWrong with properties owned by Tom Warburton  
and Cartoon Network

Location: The Planet Aqueous 

Episode 12

Hoagie sat on his chair, his feet propped up on the table. He swiveled back and forth, clicking his fingernails together. The recommissioning module lay dismantled for perhaps the hundredth time on the counter. His eyes were glazed over as his body sank into the chair. Back and forth, back and forth. He couldn't think of anything to do, nor could he bring himself to move out of the seat. He had tried nearly everything he could imagine. The screen glowed behind him, the only light in the room. He could hear the buzzing of the machinery seeping into his brain. He was waiting for it to dissolve into white noise as it often did, but for some reason he couldn't get his mind off of it. It was like a fly buzzing around his face, one he did not have the motivation to swipe away. He had gone two nights without sleeping, and when he did close his eyes he could only hear the whirring. There was a child screaming, a woman crying, a loud, unforgiving clash and then silence. 

The more he tried to sleep, the more the images would appear. He couldn’t focus. His eyes went back down to the project. 

He should work on the module. 

He needed to finish the module. 

Yet when he put his screw driver to work, the whole thing just seemed pointless. He thought that learning more about his past would help him move on from it. However, the closer he got, the more he learned, the less clear everything became. Part of him didn’t want to learn any more, but it didn’t matter how he felt. People were counting on him. Tommy was waiting for him. Still, he hesitated. He felt his entire body melt more and more, an overwhelming emptiness surrounding him. It shouldn’t be this hard, he thought. He was caught up in his own mind, unable to turn his lazar focus to this project.

Poor little chicken. All his feathers plucked out. 

Hoagie stared blankly at the ceiling. 

What did that matter?

Chickens couldn’t fly anyway. 

There was a swift knock on the door as it swung open. “Yo,” a deep voice came into the room. Hoagie barely reacted to it. “Any progress?” 

“The conductor is shot,” he said up to the ceiling. “Even the smallest amount of electricity and it could short-circuit. I’ll need to get a new one...or to make one.” 

The leader at the door frowned. “Is it that bad?” 

“This thing is old, and your friend Monty did a number on the wiring...so yeah. It definitely needs one.” 

Abby blinked. “H-how do you-” 

Hoagie took the small gold cap from the table, holding it up. “The message is still there. Number Zero, huh? Jeez. Everybody’s a part of this club. It’s a wonder there’s still child abuse at all,” he quipped sarcastically. 

“But you can fix it, right?” 

“Tough to say. Even if we get the parts we need, there’s no guarantee it will work.” 

“It’s gotta work. It’s our only trump card.” 

“I’m doing the best I can.” 

Abby sighed. “You think this metal we’re lookin’ for will help?” 

“It might.” He didn’t sound too convinced. 

Her face twisted into a scowl. “How about some positivity? A little optimism?” Hoagie didn’t respond to her. “Boy, they really did a number on you, didn’t they?” she said under her breath. 

Hoagie turned around again. “What?” 

“Nothin’,” She said. Her voice was at a volume only she could hear. “It’s only temporary.” As she started to exit, she called back to him. “Guess we’ll find out soon enough. We’re here.” 

Hoagie straightened up. “Already?” 

“Yep.” 

And with that, she disappeared behind the door. Hoagie pushed up his glasses and eyed his work space one last time. The sooner this was over, the sooner he could sleep. 

He just prayed to God that would be soon. 

Location: The Planet Aqueous 

“Activating deep-sea expedition mode...” 

The ship buzzed and hissed, forming fins and a propeller, blocking off the engines and transforming into a submarine-like vessel. Abby lowered the ship down beneath the surface of the water. Wally’s knuckles whitened on the seat in front of him. 

“Bloody ocean...” he groaned. “Of all the places, it had to be in the bloody fuckin’ ocean.” 

Kuki giggled. “What happened to all that bravery you had?” 

Wally flushed. “I ain’t scared!” He huffed, crossing his arms. “I just don’t like it. It’s dark. You can’t see nothin’. Can’t breathe. You couldn’t pay me enough money to go out there.” 

“That’s why you n’ Kuki are gonna man the ship while we handle this,” Abby said. 

Kuki frowned. “What? Why do I have to stay? I wanna come with you guys!” She ran up to Abby. “I have all this adrenaline from the paintball game! I feel like I’m on a whole new level! Pow! Wham!” She showed off some of her best moves. “Please!” 

“No fuckin’ way!” Wally snapped. “The ocean has sharks and icky seaweed and giant monster octopuses! You’re goin’ down there you may as well carve a tombstone that says ‘stubborn idiot: eaten by a barracuda’.” 

“Oh, quit being melodramatic!” 

“Nothin’ good ever comes from the ocean!” 

Kuki smirked. “He saw Finding Nemo and was never the same.” 

“Finding Nemo, Jaws, Creature from the Black Lagoon, That one episode of Black Lagoon...”

“Oh yeah. That was a good episode.” 

“See! You ain’t goin’.” 

“I am a proud bisexual woman! You can’t tell me what to do!” 

“Abby, tell Kuki she ain’t goin!” 

“Tell Wally he’s being a butt.” 

“You’re a butt.” 

“You’re a sexist.” 

“You’re a dead goldfish.” 

“Guys!” Abby interrupted. “It ain’t necessary. Hoagie and I got this. Besides, it’ll be good for him to get outside of that room. Kuki, I need you to stay here and make sure yo’ boy don’t piss himself all over the ship.” 

“Hey!” 

“And if somethin’ goes wrong or we contact any of the inhabitants, I wanna make sure we got our bases covered,” Abby added. “Okay?” 

Kuki glared at Wally. “You’re such a butt.” 

“The best butt.” 

Abby stopped the controls, the ship halting right by a large rock fixture. “This is as close as I can get, but it looks like there’s a cave down there. That could be what we’re lookin’ for.” She looked at the door. “Where is he?” 

“Probably re-thinkin’ his life choices,” Wally said under his breath. 

“Guess he’s already down there.” Abby got off of her seat. “I’ll go see.” 

“Hey,” Wally called. “You sure this is a good idea?” 

“We gotta get that module working somehow,” she said. “Gettin’ past G:KND security’s gonna be a chore. We wanna be as prepared as possible. Plus, it’s on the way.” 

Wally pouted. “I guess.” 

Abby went down the ladder and stepped into the launch bay, which was now modified to function as a submarine. There were three pods stationed at the back, rows of diving suits hanging on the corners. They were lucky to have gotten an Adult’s ship this time around. Despite everything that went wrong on this mission, she thought, things were finally starting to go in their favor. Hoagie was sitting on one of the benches inside, his suit already on and his oxygen tank secured to his back. Abby stopped at the entrance when she saw him. His eyes were fixed on the bonnet resting on his knees, his white fingers cupped over the glass. His glasses lay beside him. And as he gazed down into what looked to be nothing, Abby felt uneasy. It was as though he were in his own world, detached from the physical plane. 

He looked...sad. 

Hoagie’s chest filled with air, holding it for a while before puffing it out through his nose. 

“Hey.” 

“Oh. Hey.” He looked up, putting his glasses back on. 

Abby picked up a smile. “You ready for some high-octane adventurin’?” 

Hoagie weakly smiled back. “You know it.” 

Abby grabbed a suit off the wall, sitting next to him, closer than she ever had before. Hoagie stiffened. “Divin’ is easy. Just takes practice...” she paused. “You’ll sea what I mean.” She waited for her joke to land. She made it extra terrible, thinking he would pick up on it. But Hoagie didn’t acknowledge her pun, which made her even more concerned. “Oh man,” she leaned back slightly. “I remember the last time we went on a mission together you would not shut up.” 

“Happens sometimes.” 

“Every few seconds it was pun after pun after pun...I don’t even know where they were comin’ from, but you just kept on goin’.” 

Hoagie turned slightly away from her, his cheeks reddening. “Yeah, well, that was-” 

“Whoowee, they were terrible.” 

“Yeah.” 

“Like Rainbow Monkey Funland park ride bad.” 

“I don’t think-” 

“You thought you were so funny. You even quoted yourself in the school newspaper sayin’ how funny you were. Remember that?” 

“Not really,” he said through his teeth. 

“Oh yeah, Abby remembers. Clear as day.” 

“Lucky her.” 

“And then there was the time-” 

“Okay!” Hoagie shot up from the seat, setting his bonnet down. “I get it. I’m not funny.” 

Abby sat up, startled. “I was just kidding-” 

“Well, stop. It’s irritating,” he said pointedly. 

Abby stood up after him. “You don’t gotta be so defensive.” 

“I’m not being defensive-” 

“Yes, you are.” Abby crossed her arms. 

He sighed. “Whatever. Just forget it. You wouldn’t understand anyway.” 

But Abby wasn’t having it. She pouted her lip, taking a step toward him. “What’s with you? You’ve been nothin’ but salty ever since we got on this ship.” 

Hoagie turned back to her. “Maybe I just don’t appreciate being the butt of everyone’s jokes all the time,” he snapped. “I get it enough from everyone else, I don’t need it from you.” 

“Oh sure,” Abby jeered. “You can make jokes about whatever, but as soon as the shoe’s on the other foot-” 

“Don’t do that.” 

“You gotta learn’ta lighten up. Laugh at yourself a little. You used to be good at that.” 

“You don’t have to tell me I was a little shit as a kid, okay? I know. I was there.” 

Abby’s lips curved downward further. “I didn’t say that.” 

“Sure.” He sat back down, further away from her than before. 

Abby’s face hardened. “What the hell did they do to you?” 

“What?” 

Abby followed him. “The only reason you’re like this is ‘cause the KND took all yo’ memories. The sucked you dry and spit you out and now you’re nothin’ but a big’ol sourpuss.” She gritted her teeth. “The Numbuh 2 I knew would never have let his head get stuck this far up his ass.” 

“You know what, Abigail?” Hoagie’s voice reached the bottom of its register as he stood, his face dark. “I am sick of you acting like you know everything all the time. I’m sick of you treating me like an outline of a human being. And I’m really sick of you insisting that you know more about me than I do! You think you know so much about me, why? Because you knew me when I was eleven? You think you can tell me what I should and shouldn’t be offended by? How I should react to things? What I should like? How I should live my life?” 

Abby grimaced. “Well, if you remembered...” 

“Do you know what it’s like to walk down the hall knowing everyone is laughing at you? Do you know what it feels like to be so lonely and desperate that you would let people kick you over the rail just to get the slightest bit of attention? No. You don’t. You have your memories, Abigail, but you know nothing about me.” His nose flared, his cheeks burning. “And you know what, I don’t think you even want to. You want this recommissioning module so badly, but it’s not for us. It’s for you. So you can relive your precious glory days exactly the way you remember them because you think childhood is so much more important than anything else in the world.” 

“Childhood,” Abby yelled back. “Is the best time in any person’s life. And you would know that if you remembered-” 

“Are you kidding me?” Hoagie started to laugh out of frustration. “Being a kid was the worst! I couldn’t wait for adulthood!” 

Abby felt her heart skip. There was a long pause as she tried to process what she just heard. “How could you say that? Adulthood is the cause of most of the world’s problems! War...discrimination...poverty...vegetables!!” 

“Who do you think raises the children you praise so much? Hm? Who do you think had to raise my brother after my mom started working extra hours? Had to take care of my grandma when she got kicked out of her nursing home? A kid can’t raise a kid, Abigail. Especially not some stupid, cocky, fat little shit-stain who nobody even wanted around-” Hoagie stopped as he felt the top of his suit being pulled upwards by a strong fist. He instinctively flinched his face to the side. His eyes clenched shut, preparing for an impact. 

But it never came. 

“Don’t you ever...” Abby’s voice hissed through her teeth. “Ever say that about him. I don’t care who you are...that boy was my friend.” She roughly slammed him back to the bench, leaving him completely frazzled. 

The tips of his lips curved upward, twitching in hysterics. “That’s not fair.” 

“What?” 

“You can’t say shit like that. Your friend? Up until this little disaster you completely ignored me!” 

“I didn’t want to!” 

“But you did! You can’t just show up one day after that and all of the sudden be friends. It doesn’t work that way.” 

Abby felt the pain in her chest returning. “What am I supposed’ta say? I’m sorry? I’m sorry I couldn’t be around when you needed me? I didn’t have a choice-” 

“No. Stop.” 

“I just meant-” 

“Stop using us to make up for lost time!” He said, standing back to his feet. “You wanna pretend like those six years didn’t happen? They happened. People change. They. Grow. Up. Whether you’re there or not.” 

“You don’t think I wanted to talk to you? To stand up for you? I would have given anything to be stuck in that 4th Grade class listnin’ to your lame jokes again.” She bit her lip. “But I couldn’t take the risk. This job is all I have-” 

“I know,” Hoagie said. “I get it. I’m not saying you made the wrong choice. I’m just saying that you made one. So fucking own up to it and quit acting like you didn’t. It’s not fair to me, or to Kuki, or Wally.” 

“Well, then. What would you want me to do?” She asked. “Cause clearly I wasn’t tryin’ hard enough for yo’ satisfaction.” He shirked away from her. His cheeks were flushed, but not from embarrassment this time. “Well, go on then.” 

“I don’t know, Abigail...” he moaned under his breath, his eyes shifting down to the side.

But Abby was steadfast. “No. Really. What? What could I have done to make it all better in your eyes?” 

“You could have laughed!” He snapped back, shocking himself by the assertiveness of his voice. His arms lifted up to his sides, his fingers stretched out. His eyes met hers, but only for a moment before going back down to the floor, his arms falling as close to his body as he could get them. 

Abby was silent, not even realizing that her jaw hung agape while she tried to re-assemble her thoughts. She tried to speak, but she had nothing. What could she say? Her mind was filing through every excuse she had ever made. Nothing seemed to validate. 

Hoagie spoke before she got too far into her head. “I’m sorry, okay? Can we please just forget about it and do the mission?”

Abby shook herself awake. “Do you really think it’s a good idea for us to-” 

“I’m fixing the recommissioning module. I’m going on the mission. You can stay behind if you want.” He walked past her, picking up his bonnet. 

“Are you crazy?” She followed him. “You don’t know the first thing about this planet!” 

“Neither do you,” he said. 

Abby scrunched her nose. “I can’t let you go alone.” 

“Okay, then. Come.” 

Abby could hear her heart beating in her head. 

You could’ve laughed. 

“Hoagie, I-” 

“I don’t-” he started. His voice immediately softened. “Want to talk about it anymore.” He waited for a moment before sighing deeply. When he turned back to Abby his face was completely different, sweet and cheery as he grinned from ear to ear. “Right. So let’s just pretend this never happened and go get that ore!” He held out his hand toward her. “Like professionals.” 

Abby was stunned. She had no idea how to respond to that. 

Luckily, there was a clank from up above, distracting her. She went over to the ladder, seeing Wally and Kuki peering down with their ears hanging out like basset hounds. 

Abby’s face flattened. “Y’all need to learn this thing called privacy.” 

“A-A-Abby! Uh...” Kuki tried to cover. “We were just-” 

Wally put his hand on her arm gently before interrupting. “Seein’ if everything is okay down there.” 

Kuki fiddled her fingers together. “We heard you yelling and thought maybe you were in trouble.” 

That’s when Hoagie stepped forward, scratching his neck. “I’m sorry. It’s totally my fault. I haven’t had much sleep, so I’ve been in a bit of a bad mood. But everything is cool now. Right, Abby?” 

Abby. 

“Yeah, all good.” She felt a large hand clasp itself over her shoulder, pulling her in slightly. What was going on? Why was he saying that? She tried to calm her racing mind, but it was proving difficult. 

Wally looked at the two skeptically, but then shrugged. “If you say so. We’ll be up here if you need us for anythin’.” Kuki followed him, looking back worriedly as they disappeared. As soon as they left, Hoagie’s firm hand became hesitant. It peeled off of Abby’s shoulder as the heat from his hand began to disappear. 

“I uh...” He cleared his throat. “I may have gone a bit overboard there. I just didn’t want them to worry.” 

Abby shook her head, forcing a smile. “Let’s go get that ore.” 

Hoagie’s face brightened as he saluted to her. “Aye, Captain!” He turned around and headed toward the pod. Abby felt herself reaching for her shoulder as her smile began to fade. 

What the hell just happened?

The radar beeped as Hoagie leaned over it, pushing up his glasses. “We shouldn’t dive too deep. Not sure what the ecosystem is like down here so it’s better we stay as close to the ship as possible.” He was holding the controls for the ship, gently pushing the pod down further and further into the blue ocean. It was a small, cramped space that barely allowed them to stand, divided into two sections: the launch bay where they left and exited the ship underwater, and the control center which steered it. They had little more than two feet between them. 

No matter how she tried, Abby couldn’t stop staring at him. 

“This thing is so cool,” he said. “I’ve only ever driven on land before, but my dad, he was a pilot-” 

“I know,” Abby said. 

Hoagie tensed. 

Dammit. 

Abby kept quiet, starting to feel guilty. She decided she should stop doing that. 

“Right. Well, anyway. He used to fly military planes and he was even friends with the guy who flew for Air Force 2. He’s got a family and they live in Florida now, but my dad used to come home with all these stories...” 

Abby stared at him longer as he kept talking. She wanted to listen, but her mind was still flooded with questions. Did Hoagie really not care about the fight? No, that couldn’t be. He just wanted to put it away and move on. But, why? Abby’s heart started to thump again. 

I couldn’t wait for adulthood. 

That person she saw in his eyes then, he was nothing like the Numbuh 2 she remembered. When he was like this, it was almost impossible to tell the difference. It was as though nothing changed. But everything changed. She looked deeply at him. Who was this person? He wasn’t Numbuh 2.

You could’ve laughed.

Or maybe... 

He was. 

She thought back, back to all the times she had spent with him. Was she even there? Did she even really see him? Did she like him? She thought she did. But the more she thought, the more she realized that for all of her useless knowledge about her childhood, about his childhood, she really had no idea who this person was. Numbuh 2...always smiling, positive, good-natured, naive, nerdy, a bit selfish but overall...happy. Perhaps that image was a lie. This Hoagie P. Gilligan Jr. was anything but happy. And as she watched him talk, she could see the smile on his face pasted on with krazy glue, flaking as the day wore down. 

For the first time, the rosy color of her memories was starting to fade. And what was left...

“Is that it?” 

You could’ve laughed. 

She could’ve laughed.

She didn’t laugh.

She couldn’t. 

Why?

“Hey, Abigail...that’s it, right?” 

Abby peered down into the abyss. 

“Yeah. That’s it.” 

Abby picked up her bonnet and secured it to her suit. “We’ve got enough oxygen for a good 4 hours down here,” she said. “You get low, you let me know and we’ll head back to the pod.” 

“Roger,” Hoagie said. He fumbled with his suit, trying and failing to attach the bonnet. 

“It’s right-” Abby tried. She sighed and walked over to him, placing her hands on the corselet. “Here. It snaps like this.” She secured it for him. 

He stood there, still. “Thanks.” She nodded and turned from him, heading towards the door. He watched her go, sighing again. 

Of all the times to pick a fight... 

Hoagie was beginning to realize that his stubborn mouth might have gotten him into real trouble this time. He didn’t mean to insult her. Maybe he just wanted a reaction from her. He groaned. Well, he certainly got what he wanted if that was the case. He fumbled with his fingers as his feet floated down to the cave floor. The water was deep and blue, with only the light from the lantern they brought allowing them to see what was in front of them. The oxygen in the tank against the sea made an echo in his ears. It was so calming, so peaceful. He could stay under here for hours. Little Alien creatures floated by him, glowing like the luminescent phytoplankton in the tropics. 

One beautiful fish, which resembled a Spanish dancer one would see in the coral reef, swam by his face. “Whoa. Did you see that?” He tried once again.

“Don’t get distracted,” came her cold reply. 

Hoagie frowned. His attempts to patch things over weren’t coming across as well as he had hoped. He wasn’t even sure why he wanted to make amends in the first place. He was just as mad at her as she was at him, wasn’t he? 

It’s because I said that, he thought. 

It was a pitiful thing to say. 

He knew Abigail’s situation was delicate. He knew it wasn’t her fault that he had such a hard time with other people. And now that he lost his medication... He shook that out of his head immediately. That was no excuse to be a jerk. He shouldn’t have said that, but that didn’t mean she was right either. He lifted his eyes to the top of his head. He didn’t want her pity. He felt pathetic even thinking about it. So, he chose instead to place it all on the back burner and complete the task at hand. That was where he kept everything anyway.

Holding out the scanner, he followed Abby further into the cave. 

“What exactly are we lookin’ for?” she asked. 

“According to the information I got, the nostronarium should glow when agitated by electrical stimuli.” He lifted the scanner above his head. “The sonic waves of this transmitter should be enough, but I don’t see anything.” 

“I’ll turn off the light,” Abby said. 

The light from the lantern flickered, along with the two on their suits, off leaving them in total darkness. Hoagie tried the signal again, letting the waves soar through the water. Suddenly, a series of tiny lights, blue in hue, started to appear all around the walls of the cave. 

“Whoa...” 

“I think we found it.” Her voice lightened. 

“Yeah. Now how do we get it out?” Hoagie asked. 

“Leave that to me.” Abby took out a small, waterproof bag with a series of tools. There was a pick-ax type thing, a S.P.I.C.E.R., Some rope, and a couple other things Hoagie couldn’t see very well. She held the lamp out to him. “Hold this, please.” 

Adult Activist Alliance: A.X.

Attack  
Xpertly

Hoagie took the lamp, although he struggled to grab it at first due to the dim light. “I only need about four ounces,” he told her. “That should be enough to replace the conductor.” 

“Seems a long way to go for just four ounces,” she replied. 

“Well, fixing an ancient machine is a lot of work for a slight advantage,” he threw back at her. 

Abby didn’t say anything. 

Dammit. 

Abby swung the A.X. into the wall as Hoagie peered down into the black hole of the cave. “How far do you think it goes?” 

“Who knows?” She continued to hack at the wall of the cave. “I think we should grab more’a this in case somethin’ don’t work the first time.” She tossed Hoagie a rock. “This what you’re lookin’ for?” 

Hoagie cupped his hands over the rock, peeking inside as best he could. “Yeah. I think so.” 

“You think so?”

“Well, I’ve never seen it before!”

Abby groaned, ignoring him as she hacked deeper into the rock. Hoagie took a step back, admiring the tall structure. He could still see the glow of the rocks up above, albeit less than before. It was ethereal, like the earth itself was alive. There was color, even down in the pitch blackness of the sea. It was one thing to read about it in books or see it on television, but here looking at it was completely different. There was so much about the world that he didn’t understand. He looked at Abby, whose head was still down and focused on her task. 

The truth was, he didn’t know anything at all. 

“It’s kind of nice,” he said. “All of this.” Hoagie placed a hand on the wall. “If it weren’t under these circumstances, I would almost say I felt...” 

Suddenly, there was a deep rumble coming from inside the cave. Hoagie froze, but Abby didn’t seem to notice it. 

“A-A-A-Abigail-” He trembled. “D-did you hear-” 

The rumbling got louder. Abby shot up. 

“Is it a cave in?”

She scooped up the rest of her things in the bag. If it was, it was from deeper inside. Her eyes scanned the walls of the cave, then the mouth. Either way, it wasn’t a good idea to stick around. 

“Abby.” 

Not now, Hoagie. 

Where was it coming from?

“Abby!” 

Just be quiet for two-

“Abby! Look out!” She heard her voice called as a heavy body pushed her to the ground. Two hands rested firmly on her shoulders for an instant. Her eyes opened in time to see a black claw reaching down, grabbing her partner by the back. The pressure on her lifted as the claw dragged the boy kicking and screaming further into the cave. It happened so fast, she didn’t even have time to blink. The sand dusted up around her as she rolled over on her stomach. 

“Hoagie!!” 

She pushed herself up, starting to move. Her body floated, the buoyancy slowing her movements. She couldn’t run. Shit. She couldn’t swim. Shit shit shit shit shit! 

The screaming stopped. There was a terrible, horrible sound echoing through the ocean. It wasn’t a screech, or a normal sonar-like noise. Rather, it was a long, high-pitched wail, one that shook the very foundation of the cave. It was then that Abby started to panic. She kicked her feet with all her might, pushing through the water’s resistance. Eventually, she located the snarling creature, who had pinned its victim to the ground, scratching at his chest. Its teeth gnashed against the side of his helmet. That’s when she noticed the stream of air coming from Hoagie’s back. The line to his tank oxygen had been cut. Still, she could see his arms flailing, pushing against the creature as its claws cut more and more into his suit. 

“Get off’a him!” She shouted, kicking the creature hard in the side. Its sonar sounded again, this time the waves were forceful enough to push Abby back to where she started. She hit the wall, her body sinking to the cave floor. 

Fuck. Her weapons wouldn’t do any good either. Maybe the A.X. She looked at the scene more closely. If she missed, she could hurt Hoagie fatally. No. It was no good. 

Think, Numbuh 5, think! 

The creature continued to chomp on the one side of the helmet, despite there being a clear fleshy opening along the chest area. Maybe this creature ate brains. 

Abby’s eyes widened. 

She ‘ran’ as fast as she could back to the lantern, picking it up and waving it across her body. 

“Hey!” She shouted. “Is this what you’re lookin’ for?” The shadow of the creature shot up. “Come n’ get it, fucker...” she said under her breath. Just as she predicted, the creature leapt off of Hoagie and came barreling straight towards her. In that instant, she switched off the lantern, sliding beneath its scaly body as it charged. She whipped out her S.P.I.C.E.R., firing outside of the cave. A flare went off, shooting into the distance. 

This weapon didn’t do any good under water damage, she thought. But it could still light enough to make a flare if only for a moment. She grabbed Hoagie by the hand, yanking him to his feet. His helmet was now half-cracked open, water had gushed into it as he closed his eyes and held his breath. He tugged on her, pointing to his chest, and then the ground. Beneath where he originally lay, the glowing blue rock had fallen. 

“There’s no time...” Abby said. She yanked him further. But he couldn’t hear her. The communication piece of his helmet was smashed. She tugged on him harder. “It’s not important! We have to go!” He finally got the hint and they moved as fast as they could back to the ship. 

The door to the pod slammed shut as Abby smashed her hand on the drain button. As the water started to lower, Hoagie collapsed on the steel floor, hacking from deep within his lungs. Abby tore off her bonnet, running to his aid. 

“Hoagie?” She called to him, pulling off the broken helmet as pieces of glass continued to fall out of it. “Hoagie. Look at me. You okay? How many fingers am I holdin’ up?”

“Two.” He reached his hand up to his skull. 

“Here. Lemmie see.” She peeled off his hat, letting it fall into the water. She continued the questions at rapid-fire. “What’s your name?” 

“Hogarth.” 

“What’s my name?” 

“Abigail Lincoln.” 

“What year is it?” 

“Abigail, it’s okay. I’m fine.” He pulled his gloved hand down, noticing a dark liquid running across the fingers. “Shit.” 

“This is my fault,” she said. Hoagie winced as she placed her thumb on his temple, where the glass had made a small cut. “If I had been payin’ attention...”

Hoagie shook his head. “That thing came out of nowhere. There wasn’t much you could d-do.” His whole body began to shake, his fingers quivering as he tried to remove the rest of his suit. “H-hey. H-help me outta this thing, would ya?” Abby managed to unzip the suit and remove the corselet as Hoagie continued to shake from the cold. “Th-thanks.” He proceeded to take off his over-shirt and then his shoes and socks. Finally, he went for his pant zipper. 

Abby blushed, moving away from him. “Wh-whoa. What are you doin’?” 

“Making sure I don’t catch hypothermia,” he said matter of factly. “Don’t worry. I’ll keep my boxers on. The thin material should dry quickly.” 

Abby tried to hide her heated face. “Y-yeah...good to know.” 

She reached her hand out to him as they made their way into the control center of the pod, which was divided from the launch point by a metal door. Hoagie continued to shiver, but the cold was starting to pass. 

“You hangin’ in there?” 

The boy nodded. “Uh-uh. Just me in my wet underwear in a pod under the sea...no problemo.” He let out an awkward laugh. He noticed her flipping off all the lights. “What are you doing?” 

“The creature is attracted to light,” She flipped a switch on the control panel. “It attacked because it saw the glow from our helmets. It probably can feel the surges of electricity too.” 

“So that’s how you got its attention...” He went to sit down. “Well played.” 

“There could be others too. We should wait and be sure they’re all gone before we do anything,” she whispered. “Can you hold on for a few more minutes?” 

“D-do I have a choice?” 

Abby watched attentively by the window, but it didn’t take long for another long black figure to slip up and over their little pod and into the vast blue sea. 

“Alright...I think the coast is clear.” 

It wasn’t long after that the pod began to shake, being affronted by another long, black shadow. This time, however, the creature didn’t stop once it exited the cave, but came barreling back towards them. 

“Not clear!” Hoagie shouted. “Very very very not clear!” 

“We’re gettin’ outta here!” Abby said as she turned on the ignition. This made the creature more aware of their presence as they dodged the attack. There wasn’t much time to react, however, as the tail of the creature smashed into the propeller, sending the pod on a collision course off the cliff. 

There was a thud as the ship hit a small jutted piece of rock, sticking on the end like a lollypop. 

Everything went black. 

When Abby awoke, the pod was filled with at least a foot of water. She turned a few of the lights back on. 

“N-numbuh 2?” She looked around but couldn’t see him. “Numbuh 2!” 

“Abby-” A few cold fingers touched her forearm. She jumped, turning around to see Hoagie’s blue eyes, which were no longer shielded by glass. “Are you okay? I can’t...really tell...” He squinted at her. His nose and ears were red, as well as the tips of his cheeks. His auburn hair damply fell over his forehead. 

“Your glasses,” was all she could think to say. She peered down into the water, which was getting higher in slow increments. “They’ve gotta be down here. I’ll find them for you.” 

“Abby-” Hoagie said as she dropped into the water, swiping her hands around the floor. “Abby-Abby-Abby-” He managed to find her arm and pull her back up. “I already stepped on them.” 

Panic started to set in as Abby saw the great skewer in the center of the pod. “Oh no this ain’t good...Great. Great job, Abby! Why in the world did I go on this stupid mission?!” She held her gloved hands up to her head. 

“It was my idea-” 

“Not just this! Everything! The whole damn thing! Just when I think we’re finally makin’ progress, this shit happens! Kidnapped by a junkman, attacked by a haunted space station, and now this? What was I thinking? We’re never gonna find Nigel.” She gripped her hair in her fingers. “I have no idea what I’m even doin’. I ain’t fought in a real battle since I was twelve. I should’a just gone to Mars like Maurice told me to. But, no. I gotta fuck everything up. For Sector V and The Moon Base, every single time! Why do people keep makin’ me do this?! Maurice, Nigel, Rachel...everyone always leaves me responsible for everything!” She kicked the water furiously. “I hate it!” 

“Abigail,” Hoagie said gently. 

“What?!” She snapped back at him. “You wanna hear me admit that I’m talkin’ outta my ass! That I’m just as lost and confused as all of you! Fine! You were right! Okay, Genius? You were fuckin’ right-” 

“Abby...Abby shh...It’s okay.” He walked over to where he assumed she was. When he was about ten inches away, he could see where her shoulders were, and placed both hands gently around them. “You’re fine. I’m fine. We’re going to make it through this, alright? All we need to do is contact Wally and Kuki from the ship.” 

Abby groaned. “God. We’ll never hear the end of it.” 

“True. But look at it this way. Now we can tell them that the whole operation is...under water. Yeah? You get it?” He grinned. “Under water.” 

Abby smiled with just her lips. “You’re obnoxious.” 

“I know, I know,” He pushed his hair back. “I’m all wet.” 

Abby’s face flared up, but her smile stayed. “Hoagie!” 

He jumped. “What!” 

“That’s nasty.” 

“Wh-wha?” Hoagie’s face turned redder than it already was. “N-no. No not like...eww no! You’re all wet. Like from old 40‘s movies: ‘she’s a fine dame, but she’s all wet.’ You’ve never heard that phrase?”

“Not even once.” 

“Oh. Well, N-Never mind. We should-” 

“Right, yeah.” Abby went to the panel and clicked the receiver. “Wally. Kuki. Somethin’s gone wrong with the ship. We need you to stage a rescue mission-” 

“Wh-what?” Wally’s voice came through from the other side, but it was fuzzy and difficult to make out. 

“Wally. I need you to get in a pod and-” 

“Hello? Abby?” It cut in and out. “I can’t...” 

“Wally?” She clicked the receiver again. “Wally? Can you hear me? We need you to come get us.” 

“I....bad....can’t....” 

“This ship is down!” She shouted. “S.O.S.! We need a rescu-” 

The remaining lights suddenly shut off, returning the two to total darkness. Abby held the receiver, unable to move. “Wally? K-Kuki?” She pressed the button again. “Hello?” No answer. “No...no no no no. Wally! Wally! Pick up! Please! We need yo’ help! The ship’s in critical condition. We’re losin’ time! Please!” She covered her head, dropping the receiver. “I don’t know what to do.” 

There was a thud behind her. Abby stumbled in the darkness, locating the lantern. Under its glow, she could see Hoagie leaning against the wall, his arms wrapped tightly around himself. 

“Hoagie...” She walked up to him, the water now up to her knees. “Baby. You gotta hang in there, okay?”

He nodded. 

“Okay, let’s brainstorm. Uh...what if we filled the ship with oxygen and pushed the water out? No. That’s dumb. Abby, yo’ dumb. Okay...uh...how about we send a signal to the others? What could we use for a signal? The gun! Oh wait, I’d have to go outside...” She tried every button, but nothing was responding. 

“A-Abigail...” 

“No, it’s fine. Abby’s got this. Abby will figure this out.” 

“I’m c-cold...” His voice was at the volume of a whisper. 

“I-I know, Baby. We’ll get you dry soon.” 

But his fragile hand took her wrist. “Abby, listen. Th-there isn’t much t-time...” 

“I know that. I’m thinkin’,” she told him. 

“My body temperature...is g-getting...l-l-lower...at this rate-” 

Abby grabbed his hands with both of hers, rubbing them. “Not a problem. You just gotta get the juices flowin’ is all.” 

“You’re so nice...” he said, which caused Abby to stop rubbing. “Even after everything I said...” 

She held onto his hands, squeezing them. “I got a lotta time to make up for. Like you said.” She sighed. 

“Wh-when you save the planet...I want you t-t-t-,” He breathed deeply. “To make sure my brother gets his goggles back.” 

Abby stopped. 

“They broke...on the space station. B-but I still...I still want him to have them.” He slipped his hands out, clasping them once again over the top of hers. “Make sure there’s someone...who will take c-care of him. If I don’t-” 

“Don’t you say what I think you’re gonna say, Boy. Don’t you even think it.” 

Hoagie was vibrating. “I...I can’t...breathe. It’s so..f-fucking cold.” 

Abby started to bite her lip harder. “I know! I’ll give you my suit--” 

“Wh-what? No. Abby-it won’t fit.” 

“Sure it will.” She picked up the bonnet sticking it on his head. “You just gotta give it...a little...push.” 

“My head is too big.” 

“Nah, it’ll fit.” 

“H-how are you gonna swim back?” he gasped, trying to pull the helmet off which was now stuck above his ears. 

She took it from him and flipped it over her knee. “I’ll just hold my breath. It’ll be fine.”

“Abby, that’s a terrible idea.” 

“No, it’ll work, trust me. I can hold my breath forever.” 

“A-Abigail.” 

“Just gotta figure out how to adjust...” 

“Abby.” 

“It’s not...workin’...maybe if I took this-” 

“Number Five!” Hoagie used the rest of his strength to pull her up to him by the shoulders. The bonnet fell into the water. “It’s okay.” He held her for a moment before letting his hands slip away. He reached into the water and picked up the bonnet, letting it drain before placing it back in Abby’s hands. Her knees started to buckle.

This wasn’t happening. 

This couldn’t be happening. 

“Nope. Huh-uh,” she said, shaking her head. She put the helmet on her seat. The moisture from the air started to condense into her hair, sticking it to the side of her face as she shook it. “You don’t get to decide when we give up.” 

“Ab-” 

“No!” She screamed. “That is not how this is gonna end!” Her pointer finger slammed into the water. “This gonna end with you and me, on that ship, up there.” 

Hoagie sighed. “It’ll be okay. You’ll find someone else who can f-f-fix the r-recommissioning module. I knnnow it. So don’t worry about me.” 

“The recom-” Abby shook her head in disbelief. “The recommiss-” Her fists clenched. “Is that what you think?!” she shouted. “I didn’t even know the recommissioning module still existed till we found it, remember? Maybe I got a little excited, okay? But you know what, a week ago I was under the impression that I would never see any of my friends again!” She lowered her head, trying desperately not to lose it. “Never speak to’m. Never fight with’m. I wasn’t even allowed in the same room as them. Yeah, you’re a great scientist. One of the best. You could build almost anythin’, stuff I never even dreamed of. You built a whole treehouse from scrap. And when you flew a plane, Oooh baby, you sliced through that sky like butter.” 

“I flew planes?” Hoagie’s eyes began to turn red like the rest of his face. 

“Of course you flew planes! You were a great solider. That’s why I put you in charge of the team when I left.” She paused. “But none of that is why you’re here right now. You’re here ‘cause I want you here. Do you know what I had to do to get you here? How hard it was makin’ someone like you invisible? I had’ta lie about you to everyone. Wherever you went, I was there every exam grade, every homework assignment, every pop-quiz, every science fair pro-” She slammed her hand over her mouth. 

His face had fallen slightly as everything came together. 

“H-Hoagie-” 

“You broke my science fair projects.” There was silence. “All of them?” 

“All of’m,” Abby admitted. The water was getting up to her thighs now. She sighed, watching as his face transformed into a mixture of confusion and disappointment. She rubbed her elbows. “So blame me for makin’ yo’ life a livin’ hell. Blame me for all of it, but I had to do it. You’ve seen what Father does! He ain’t above hurting children to get what he wants! If he knew a fraction of what you were still capable of...He could’ve hurt Tommy or yo’ Mom and I wouldn’t’ve been able to do anything! They could’ve tortured you or brainwashed you or-” 

Abby stopped, feeling a cool pressure surround her entire body. Every inch of her skin was burning. She lowered her forehead into Hoagie’s shoulder as she felt his embrace.

“I tried so hard and it didn’t even matter,” she said while she fought her tears tooth and nail. “They still...I couldn’t...I didn’t know how else to...” 

“I have an idea. I need your body heat s-so I can explain, okay?” Hoagie cut her off. “I need you to let me drown.” 

Abby pushed off of him. “Uh, hello? Have you been listinin’ to a word I said?” 

But Hoagie shook his head. “N-no. Listen.” The words he spoke rattled off like a machine gun. “Human bodies can survive twice as long underwater d-during hypothermic conditions. So if you increase the flow of water coming into the pod, we can get b-back to the ship before I die of hypothermia.” 

Abby’s jaw hit the floor. “The hell you get an idea like that?” 

“I saw it in a movie.” 

“A movie.” 

“Yes.” 

“Wonderful.” 

“It was a v-very scientifically accurate movie. Well, except for the Aliens. Actually, maybe the Aliens were scientifically accurate after all. Who’s to say?” Suddenly, Hoagie’s face scrunched as his palm hit his forehead. “Ugh, wait. No. That won’t work.” 

“And you were so convinced a minute ago-” 

“No I mean, wwould wwork, but-” 

“But what?” 

“It’s just that the girl in the movie was...” 

“What?” 

Hoagie scrunched his brows. “Smaller.” His breathing started to get heavier. “Drowning is easy, but p-pulling me up to the ship’ll be almost i-i-i-impossible. Never mind. It was stupid.” 

“I’ll do it.” 

Abby’s tone was back to its normal resolve. 

“Abby, no.” 

Her brow lifted. “You don’t think I can do it?” 

“N-not necessarily but given the obvious circumstances-” He gestured to his body. 

“Fuck yo’ circumstances. You wanna live, or don’t you?” 

“Th-that’s not really a fair question.” 

The water was now at waist level. 

“This is yo’ plan?” 

“P-pretty much.” 

“And there ain’t nothin’ better?” 

“Nnothing I can see.” 

Abby nodded. “Then I’ll do it.” Hoagie looked at her as though she agreed to swallow a horse. “Please let me try.” 

There was a short pause.

“Okay.” 

“...okay.” 

Abby checked to make sure everything was secure. Her helmet and oxygen tank were working, her S.P.I.C.E.R. sat in an easily reachable pocket. The rope was used to tie the very large teenage boy to the not nearly as large teenage girl, once around the waist, and once around the wrists for him to drape over the back. The chill was starting to get into Hoagie’s spine and he was losing energy at a much faster rate. 

“Remember...” he whispered weakly. “Before the drowning p-p-part happens to p-p-put your arms in front of your neck. Ssso I don’t choke you.” 

“Even half conscious, you still won’t stop talkin’,” she said back to him. 

“And...And Abby...” 

“What?” 

“If you ssstart to sssink, promise me you’ll...you’ll cut me loose.” he whispered breathily. “And f-f-finish the mmission.” 

“Now yo’ just procrastinatin’.” 

“Promise me.” 

“That won’t happen, Hoagie.” 

“I won’t go till you promise me.” His head lifted up as far as he could pull it. 

“I’ll make it back to the ship,” she said, which was obviously good enough because Hoagie lowered his head back down. 

“8 minutes,” he whispered. 

Abby’s chest rose. “8 minutes,” she repeated. 

Her hand felt down into the water for the A.X. she brought for mining. “Oh...Numbuh 5 can’t believe she’s doin’ this,” she said to herself as she swung it at the metal door. Due to the water pressure, it pried open easily as water flooded into the space. “It’s comin! Hold yo’ breath!”

But a panicked voice sounded over her shoulder. “I changed my mind! This was a bad plan! Bad plan! Why the hell would you let me go through with this?!” 

“Hoagie!” 

Hoagie took the biggest gasp of air he could muster. 

Abby grabbed the oxygen tank from the floor on the other side of the ship. It was still streaming out, but at a very slow, controlled rate. There was clearly much more in there. Placing it around her shoulder, she thought maybe she could re-attach the hose. Suddenly, she felt a kicking against her shin. It was too late. She slipped her hands between his arms and her neck and waited. It didn’t take long. The last puff of air bubbled out as she could feel him behind her, kicking and pulling, swimming upwards before finally growing completely limp. Abby shut her eyes and smashed open the glass window with the tank, pushing upwards. She swam as hard and fast as she could.

Up. Up. Go up! 

But she wasn’t going up. The weight was too heavy. She was sinking. 

8 minutes. 

7.59 7.58

She grabbed the S.P.I.C.E.R. from her holder, placing the base at the bottom of the tank. 

7.57 7.56

She clenched her teeth and fired the gun. The bottom of the tank shot off and Abby and Hoagie went along with it. Up! Up! Up! Past the cave! Yes! Although she had trouble controlling it, it kept shooting upwards. 

7 minutes. 

Plenty of time. 

6 minutes. 

However, right as she was nearing the base of the ship, the air began to slow down. Abby kicked and kicked, but the tank only released less and less air. No! No no no! She felt the weight begin to settle back into her as she sank back down. She dropped the oxygen tank down into the darkness. 

5.50

Abby looked at the S.P.I.C.E.R., and then at the rope around her waist and Hoagie’s blue, pruned hands. She kicked harder and harder, scooping her arms out. She sent a flair flying through the water, but of course there wasn’t enough time for them to see it now. 

5.40

What could she do? 

Abby stopped kicking, feeling her body start to sink. From her helmet, she could only see his bangs floating beside her, but she could feel the pressure of his head over her shoulder, the weight of his stomach on her back. 

5.30

She gripped the gun. Her teeth clenched. 

5.25 

5.20

“I’m sorry.” 

She cocked the gun, picking it up, and then lowering it down to the base of her own oxygen tank. 

Boom! The bottom flew off. 

Again, she took off like a rocket. 

5 minutes 

4

She could see the window of the ship coming in closer. 

3.30 3.29 3.28 

She fired the gun below her for more momentum. 

3.27 3.26 3.3 3.24

Whack! She hit the ship. Without knowing what to do next, she tried looking for an entrance. She decided to scale the bottom of the ship to find the launch pad for the pods. She looked around frantically. Finally, at the bottom, she noticed the door still open, awaiting their return. 

Yes! With only...

Abby’s mind stopped. 4 minutes, wait. 3 now. More than 3? Less than 4? She had completely lost count. Pushing herself onto the landing bay, she climbed up the inclined door, trying desperately to make it to the button. 

3 minutes. 

It had to be at least 3. 

Each step sent a shock down her legs as she finally found the button to close the door. She slammed her hand over it as she waited for it to close. 

2 minutes. 

1.59 1.58 

The door inched its way up. 

“Come on!” She screamed into the empty room. 

1.55 1.54 1.53 1.52 1.51 1.50 1.49

The the door latched shut. 

1.48 1.47

C’mon. C’mon c’mon!

Abby began to feel light-headed as the rest of the oxygen escaped from the back of her helmet. She collapsed to her knees, the water finally beginning to drain. 

1.30 1.29 1.28 1.27 

1-

1-

Her eyes started to blur, her body getting heavier and heavier. She wasn’t counting any more. What was she counting for again? The water drained around her, moving to the level of her head, then her chest, then her waist. 

Her eyes shot open. 

The metal was hard against her fingers as she ripped the helmet off of her head, gasping all of the air she could. There wasn’t enough. She needed more. More air. There was something heavy pulling down on her. What was it? Get it off! She reached down and felt the rope around her waist, and then her neck. She felt two large hands in front of her. 

“Hoagie!” 

She saw the S.P.I.C.E.R. beside her. Grabbing it, she fired at the rope around her waist, stripping the limp body off of her back. The body was light blue and when she touched it, ice cold. 

How many minutes?

“Abby!” a voice called. It was Wally, with Kuki right behind. “What the hell? I didn’t even see you come-” 

“30 compressions then breathe,” they heard her mumble as her hands pressed into an unconscious Hoagie’s chest. “30 compressions then breathe...” 

14 15 16 17

They rushed over to her. 

Kuki gasped. 

“What the hell happened?” Wally shouted. 

Abby ignored them. 

22 23 24 25

Kuki bent down next to her, taking Hoagie’s hand. “I don’t feel a pulse.” 

“You see? This is what happens when you fuck with the bloody ocean! It’s evil I tell ya!” 

Kuki scowled. “Seriously? Now is not the time!” 

“30!” Abby went to give a breath. 

“Abby, no, just keep going!” Kuki said. “He needs 100 compressions a minute. If you breathe it could cause serious damage unless you’re a certified professional.” 

“Ain’t you suppos’ta be certified?” Wally exclaimed. 

“I mean a real professional!” 

“You went to that nursin’ camp last summer!” 

“Nurses aren’t paramedics, Wally!” 

“Ah!” Abby screamed. “Shut up! I can’t concentrate!” 

37 38 39 40 41 42 42 

“C’mon, Baby. C’mon. This was your dumb-ass idea! Now, come on!” She screamed into the lifeless face. “I got yo’ ass up here, now you gotta help me out! Don’t do this...” 

51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61

The compressions became slightly weaker. 

“Agh!” Suddenly, she felt her body yanked off of Hoagie’s by a strong push. “Get off! You’re doin’ it wrong!” He crawled on top of the body and resumed Abby’s work. “If you think...I’m gonna let...the fuckin’ ocean...take my. best. friend.” He pressed harder. “Get up you stupid nerd! Get up so I can kick your fat ass!” He stopped the compressions, lifting Hoagie up by his shirt. “Hey! You listenin’ to me? I said wake up!” Wham! Wally’s hand flew into Hoagie’s cheek. 

“Wally, stop it!” Kuki shot up, pulling her boyfriend off. 

Just then, a waterfall of water spewed out of the body’s mouth, its throat letting out a deep guttural cough. Hoagie leaned over to his side, gasping for air. 

“Ha!” Wally announced triumphantly. 

“Kuki! Oxygen! Now!” 

Kuki was off in an instant. Hoagie pulled on his wrists, starting to hyperventilate as he frantically tried to unbind his hands. “Wh...what’s going on?” He could barely whisper. “Where am I? Who are you?” He pulled harder. “Let me go! Help!” He tried to scream, but his voice was horse. “Help! Abigail! Abigail!” 

“Shh.” Abby leaned over his face, which was now a pale white instead of blue. She propped his head up on her knees, stroking the hair out of his face. “It’s okay, Baby. You’re okay.” 

Kuki returned with an oxygen tank and a diving mask. “This was all I could find,” she said. She twisted the top of the tank. “Keep his head propped, it’ll help create a clear passage for the air to go through.” 

“No!” He choked as he squirmed. His voice was still raspy. “Let me go! Let me go! Abi-” 

Kuki placed the mask to his face. “Just breathe...in and out...in...and out...” 

Hoagie did this. His breathing steadied as his words stopped and his eyes closed. 

“That’s it. Good job!” She turned to her boyfriend with a glower. “You are one lucky bastard.” Wall just continued to grin stupidly at her. 

After a while, Kuki removed the mask, Hoagie’s color having returned to normal.

“Hoagie?” she asked sweetly. “Are you with us? If you are, say something.” 

The boy’s eyes fluttered open, squinting from the light. He coughed a few times before giving a light smile. “Hey guys...wa-ter you up to?” 

Wally scowled as Abby pursed her lips. “Can I smack him again?” he asked. 

“I would,” she replied. 

Wally lifted his hand in the air, but Kuki grabbed it shouting: “No!” 

“Is Abby here?” He looked around. “I can’t see...” 

Abby stroked his hair again. “I’m right here, Baby.” 

Hoagie lifted his eyes up towards her. “Oh,” he said. His voice was high and sweet, like a child’s. “Hi.” He grinned and waved at her. 

Abby puffed out all of her air in relief, before replying. “Hi.” 

His hands lifted into the air. “Could you untie me, please?” 

She grinned. “Nope.” 

“Huh?” The sound was confused and innocent. “Why not?” 

But Abby’s hand ruffled his wet hair. “I’m kidding.” She turned to Kuki. “We need to get him some dry clothes.” 

“Already on it.” Wally said, as he turned to up the stairs. 

“I’ll get something to cut the rope with,” Kuki added. 

Abby rested Hoagie’s head down to the ground. He was still shivering from the cold. “Just sit tight, okay?” she said. “Wally’s gonna find you somethin’ dry to put on. And then we’ll wrap you up like a nice, warm burrito.” 

He smiled. “That sounds so nice.” 

“Doesn’t it?”

“Burritos are nice.” 

“Uhh...Abby...” Abby heard Wally say as he backed up into the room. “We’ve got a problem...” She sat up slightly. 

She frowned. “What kinda problem?” 

“Freeze!” She heard an unfamiliar voice behind her. 

Oh, no. 

“Remove all of your weapons and raise your hands in the air!” 

No no no no no. 

She turned around to see a small pair of eyes glaring at her. It was attached to a small silvery head, with a short body. It was wearing a silver jumpsuit and holding a tiny ray gun directly at her. She looked around towards Wally and Kuki to see two more Children just like it. 

She stood up slowly but didn’t raise her hands. “You gotta be FUCKING KIDDING ME!” 

The creature blinked at her, turning to her two companions with a curious look. One shrugged, and the other looked up thoughtfully. 

“Teen word. Translation has been blocked.” 

“Fuck, no! Abby ain’t dealin’ with this shit right now! Get out!” Abby shouted. “Get off my ship!” 

But the Alien raised their weapon. “By order of the Galactic Kids Next Door, you are hereby under arrest.” 

“Oh...Oh I’m under arrest?” Her face widened in fake shock. “You’re under arrest!” 

It was confused for a moment. “N-no, I am certain you are the one under arrest...” 

“Get the fuck off my ship!” 

“Abby! Don’t provoke them!” Kuki said. “We just need to get upstairs to get some dry clothes for our friend...” 

“You will be confined to this room until we have reached our destination,” it said. 

“We didn’t even do anything wrong!” Wally whined.

“Vehicle parked without a permit, illegal entrance of the planet, unauthorized mining in a restricted area...” Another Alien said. “Disturbing the wildlife.” 

“Disturbin’ the wildlife?!” Abby yelled, her adrenaline pumping again. “The wildlife disturbed us! That monster ran our ship into the ground!” 

“Numbuh C read them their rights.” 

“C ain’t a number, Morons!” Wally shouted. 

“It’s probably a translation error,” Kuki told him. 

“Can’t you see we have a situation, here?” Abby exclaimed. “This boy needs serious medical attention-” 

“That is not our problem,” the one, supposedly the leader, said. 

Abby’s jaw fell. “Ohhh bitch,” she whispered. “You got five seconds to get off my ship before I whoop yo’ asses into next week! Abby’s been through enough today to have to deal with yo’ bullshit!” 

The Aliens looked at each other. One shook their head, the other shrugged. 

“Oh. You don’t like that word?” Abby cocked her head to the side, pretending to pout. “How bout this one--” She flipped her two middle fingers up at them. “Take your cum-gusslin’, bitch-ass fuck-holes and rub’m with sandpaper you cuntwhistlin’ assbag shit for brains!”

“Abby!” Kuki ran to her, dragging her away from the Alien. 

“I’m sorry. Was that too hash?” Abby asked. “Good!” She stuck her chin out at them aggressively. 

“Okay. You need to tone down the sass, alright?” Kuki said, pulling her away. “You’re at like, drag queen levels of sass right now.” 

But Abby pushed off of her. “You either get off my ship or get that boy some fucking clothes.” 

“S-S-Stay back!” The first Alien pointed her gun at Abby. “I said freeze!” Abby didn’t stop. The gun was fired, but Abby anticipated this and managed to pull it to the side and grab her enemy’s suit. The Alien evaporated into the air, vanishing for a moment before returning behind Abby. It kicked her in the back, knocking her down. 

“Whoa!” Wally couldn’t help but be amazed. 

“You are now under the custody of the Aqueous branch of the Galactic Kids Next Door--” The Alien leader said. “If you wish to file a complaint, you may do so after your court hearing.” It rubbed what looked to be its shoulder. “Why must all teenagers be this difficult?”

“It is in their programing,” another said. 

Abby stayed on the ground, her heart still racing. “Please...” she said. “You don’t understand. He has hypothermia. If we don’t do something, he could die.” 

The Aliens looked at each other again. Two of them looked at the third expectantly. It shook its head. The leader turned back to Abby. “Die?” 

“Yes! Die!” 

“What is...die?” 

Abby sat up, staring at the confused faces of the Alien children. 

“You know,” Wally said. “Die. Dead. Death. The Grateful Dead. Dead man walking, dead in the water-” 

“Too soon, Wally,” Kuki whispered at him. 

“Death...” Abby crossed her legs. “It’s like...the opposite of life.” 

But the Aliens were still confused. “What is life?” 

“Oh my god,” Wally groaned. 

“Life is like...what’s happenin’ now it’s...” She waved her hands around. “All this. And death is like...” Abby struggled. 

“Like nap time,” Kuki said. “But forever.” 

“Nap time?” one of the Aliens perked up. “I love nap time!” 

“Well, not this nap time. This nap time is bad. Very bad.” Abby stood to her feet. “Look at him! He’s sick! He needs help!” 

“If it is nap time,” another Alien asked. “When does it end?” 

Abby bit her lip. “Never. It never ends.” 

“Yes, but then what happens, after?” 

“N-nobody...” Abby scratched her head. “Nobody really knows what happens...once you’re dead, you’re dead. You don’t wake up. You stop breathing. Y-your...your heart stops working and your brain just kinda...goes blank.” 

“S-stop breathing?!” One Alien exclaimed in terror. 

“Such a thing is not possible.” 

“It is possible! And it’s gonna happen if you don’t let us go!” She pleaded. 

“H-hey...Abigail...” she heard a soft whisper from below. She bent down to Hoagie, whose skin was so pale his blue veins were starting to become visible. His voice quivered as he spoke. “I’m g-gonna...go to sleep...for a little bit...” 

Abby grabbed his face, which still felt frozen. “No...no no, Baby. You can’t sleep right now, okay? You have to stay awake.” She lightly slapped his cheek. “Just for a little while longer. You can do that for me, can’t you?” 

“It’s hot in here...do you feel hot?” 

“I do not like the look of this,” one Alien whispered to another. “Perhaps the Teenager is telling the truth?” 

But the Alien next to it crossed its arms. “I do not believe it.” It turned to its comrades. “If such a thing exists, why have we not heard of it before? I think this one is making fools of us.” 

“Are you kiddin’ me?” Abby shot back. “Look at him!” 

“Yes, and why is he tied up?” The leader Alien asked. “Is he your prisoner?” 

“What? No.” Abby rolled her eyes. “It’s a long story. Look, if you do this for us, we will go with you, okay? No fighting, no tricks...please...” 

“What do you think, Numbuh Q?” One Alien said to the leader. 

It was quiet for a moment. 

“I would kind of like to wait and see what happens...” the Alien finally said. 

Abby couldn’t contain her rage any more as she rose, her ears burning, her eyes blood-shot. “Oh...Lemmie show you what’s gonna fuckin’ happen-”

Kuki rushed to her side, pulling her away. “Abby, stop. It’s not gonna help.” 

“Okay death is like...” Wally continued, as though he had never gotten off the previous conversation. “Like you get old, right? You’re born, you get old...and then you stop getting old. But sometimes you don’t get old, you just like stop, but you’re still older than you were...it’s basically like you’re old and then you die...unless somebody kills you. Then you’re not as old as you could be...ugh...” He rubbed his head. “This is hard.” 

The Aliens tensed. “Did you say...get old?” 

Wally nodded. “Yeah, like agi-” 

The scene shifted dramatically. The Aliens backed themselves into the wall, their weapons out and shaking as they huddled together in sheer terror. “Th-they have the aging virus,” one whispered. 

Wally frowned. “Not that crud again.” He took a step forward.

“No! Stay back!” another Alien shouted. “Do not come any closer! I-I-I am warning you. I will shoot!” 

“What do we do, Numbuh Q?” 

“We could already be infected.” 

“We cannot take diseased prisoners back to the base.” 

“Well, we cannot let them go!” 

“You!” The one called Numbuh Q shouted at Wally. “Where are you from?” 

Abby sighed, stepping forward. “Earth.” 

The Aliens gasped again, moving back further. 

“I-Impossible...” one quivered. “How did they pass the barrier?” 

“We are going to get old!!” 

One Alien gasped. “What if death IS what happens when we get old?” 

“No! It couldn’t be? We are going to death?” 

Numbuh Q stepped forward. “Ch-change of plans. You will tell us everything you know about the aging virus. And then we will take you into custody in a quarantined area where you stay until a cure has been found.” 

“Oh, fuck that!” Wally shouted. 

“We don’t know anything! Please! We’re running out of time!” 

“You’re all a bunch’a pussies. Afraid of death. We face death every day, you don’t see us pissin’ our pants...” Wally took a step towards them and they all screamed. Suddenly, a smirk crossed his face. “Actually, we do have the aging virus. And it’s very, very dangerous.” He looked at his girlfriend for a second for assistance. “Ain’t that right, Kuki?” 

“Wally, what are you doing?” She whispered at him, sharply. 

“H-how?” Numbuh Q quivered. “J-just how is it dangerous? Tell us this instant! How is the aging virus spread?” 

“I guess we could tell you...but I don’t know if we can trust you with that kinda information...” His face twisted into an maniacal grin. “You might have already caught it. You might not. No way of knowing...It could be spread by touch...” He reached his hand toward them and watched them wet themselves in fear. “It could even be in the air...” 

“Wallabee.” Abby muttered through her teeth. “Shut. Up.” 

“You will tell us this instant!” 

“Oh...we don’t know anything. In fact, none of us do.” Their faces fell as his grin got wider. His finger pointed to Hoagie. “But he does.” 

Abby’s eyes shot toward him, aghast and fuming. 

“In fact,” Wally continued to step over towards Abby. “He’s an expert on the stuff. We were even on our way to our meeting with Nigel Uno before you clowns interrupted our very important business.” 

One of the Aliens turned to Abby. “Is this true?” 

She was dumbfounded. “Uh...” 

“Of course it’s true,” Wally said. “How do you think we even got off Earth to begin with? Of course, our mission is sooper secret. We wouldn’ta even said anything, but you put us in a bad position. What do you think the big wigs up at headquarters are gonna think when we tell them you blockheads interfered with our assignment?” He shook his head. “Nigel Uno certainly ain’t gonna like that.” 

They looked down at Hoagie, who was muttering to himself something about listening to his grandmother and getting in the bathtub. Huddling together for a moment, they conversed privately. Finally, Numbuh Q approached them. 

“Very well. We shall take this Teenager above for questioning,” it said. “You will remain here until we have determined whether or not your story is valid. Numbuh F, tell Numbuh N to reroute for the time being.” 

“What? No!” Abby shouted. “Wait! Don’t take-” The Aliens passed straight through her as they evaporated into thin air, taking Hoagie with them. She ran onto the empty floor, falling to her knees in exhaustion. 

Wally gave a gloating grin. “Well. I guess we all know who today’s hero is!” He puffed up his chest. “Please, please. Hold your applause.” 

Kuki clasped her hands together in excitement. “That was amazing, Wallybear! You’re so smart!” 

He scratched the back of his head, his cheeks blushing with pride. “I am pretty smart, aren’t I?” His nose stuck high in the air. “I don’t like to say I told ya so, Abby. But ya can’t trust the ocean, and ya can’t trust what’s in the ocean, neither. I hope you learned a valuable lesson today.” 

“Wallabee...” Abby snarled, not looking at him. “What did you do?” 

He grunted. “Uh, I saved our asses, that’s what I did!” 

“We don’t know anything about the aging virus...” Abby spat back at him. “Hoagie doesn’t know anything about the aging virus!” 

“Well, yeah, duh, but they don’t know that.” 

“Uh-huh,” she lifted her head. “And what do you think they’re gonna do when they find out?” 

Wally blushed. “I didn’t think about that...” 

“No, you didn’t.” 

There was a long pause. 

“Oh, shit.” 

Abby cupped her hands over her head, pulling on her hair. Blowing out her air, she sank deeper into the floor. 

It wasn’t difficult for the Aqueous G:KND branch members to get Hoagie’s body temperature back to normal. Their bodies were able to change and control all stages and temperatures of water, even change the molecular structure of other matter to H2O for a short period of time. They did not need ships to transport them because they could teleport instantly wherever they wanted to go, so evaporating the excess water from Hoagie’s body and restoring it to its natural state was nothing more than child’s play. 

Hoagie felt the warmth of his body, the dry cloth of his shirt and boxers. He felt something cold poking at his face. He swiped it away, but it kept poking. 

“Hey. Earth creature,” a voice said. 

He groaned, turning over. “Tommy...knock it off...leave me alone.” 

But the poking continued. “Teenager.” 

His eyes fluttered open. He still couldn’t see anything. Sitting up, he watched a bunch of silvery blobs move around him. Squinting, he still could not make them out. He rubbed his wrists, realizing they had been untied.

“Are you awake, Teenager?” 

“Uh...” Hoagie squinted harder. “Yeah.” He moved closer to the blobs. Suddenly, a silvery-skinned face came directly into his view. He screamed and scrambled away from it, pressing his back against the wall. “Oh my God you’re Aliens.” 

“Greetings,” The Alien leader said. “I am Numbuh Q. This is Numbuhs N, F, and C. We are Sector H20 of the Aqueous branch of the Galactic Kids Next Door.” They got closer to him. “You are under our custody and will disclose all valuable information upon request.” 

“Ugh. My head...”

“You will feel a slight nausea and light headedness for the next few minutes. It is a result of the temperature restoration process. We expect this will not in any way effect the exactness of your answers.” 

He looked around. “Where are my friends? Are you here? Guys?” 

“Your teammates will wait downstairs until the questioning is finished.”

“Questioning?” Hoagie blinked. “Is this cause we cut a hole in your wall?”

The blobs moved around again. “We have been informed that you have very valuable information regarding the aging virus...” 

“The aging virus?” His brows raised. 

“You are all infected.” 

“Uh...I guess so. If you wanna think about it that way, sure?” 

One Alien got right into his face. “Is it contagious? How does it spread? Are we going to get old and die?” Its shouts were panicked in an almost comedic way.

“Well, yeah. Everybody does.” 

“Negative,” Numbuh Q stated. “Our people have not heard of such a concept.” 

That made thinks click. “Oh,” he placed his fist in his palm in recognition. “You guys are immortal, aren’t you?”

“You must tell us what you were going to tell Nigel Uno about the aging virus,” Numbuh Q said. 

“Y-you know about Nigel Uno? Did Abigail tell you?” 

A few of them gasped. “So it is true...” 

“We need to know if we are in danger of catching the virus. We have been in direct contact with it and...” The Alien shook. “We are so scared! You have to tell us! Is there a cure? Will we need to be quarantined too?!” 

Panic started to set in as all four Aliens started screaming and crying. 

“Hey, hey, Whoa...guys...gals...gender-neutral...Alien...children. Look,” Hoagie said as he tried to calm them down. “You’re gonna be fine.” 

The wailing stopped. 

“Y-you are sure?” 

“Yeah, you’re not gonna catch the aging virus. I promise.” 

But one Alien, Numbuh C, was skeptical. “How can you be so certain?” 

Hoagie leaned back on the wall, feeling more at ease now with the situation. “Well, probably because it doesn’t exist.” 

Silence. 

“Oh, yeah. The aging virus?” Hoagie explained. “There’s no such thing. Aging is a product of your genetic code, it’s not a virus you can catch like the flu. That’s stupid.” 

“No....aging virus? But that cannot be.” 

“It’s really not impossible,” he said. “You see, aging happens on a microscopic level with your cells, though no one quite agrees on how it happens. There are prevailing theories, free radicals, evolution, cross-linking, genetic programming, the systematic turning on and off of genes...” he stopped himself. “Uh, but anyway it starts when you’re a baby.”

“What is...” one of them asked. “A baby?” 

Hoagie nodded. “There we go. That explains it. So, you guys don’t have parents either?” 

“What is a parents?” 

“Interesting. Okay, here’s the deal. You are what’s called immortal. You’re not going to age and die like we do. So, yeah.” 

“So we are going to life!” Numbuh C shouted. “Life forever!” 

Numbuh Q frowned. “But the Galactic Kids Next Door said that the aging virus was spreading...how could it do this if it is not contagious?” 

“I don’t know,” Hoagie admitted. “But children on Earth are suffering because of their decision to disband their Kids Next Door branch and quarantine the planet. It’s given a lot of bad people a lot of power. Bad Adults.” 

“And you are going to headquarters,” Numbuh F said. “To give this information to Nigel Uno and convince him to re-instate Earth into the KND.” 

Hoagie’s eyes widened. “Y-yeah. How did you know?” 

“Your teammate explained you were on a very important mission,” Numbuh Q said. “But I did not think that it was that serious. I admit, I am reluctant to accept your hypothesis as its implications go against the information given by Headquarters. I cannot trust the word of a Teenager over my superiors.” 

“Oh, you don’t have to take my word for it,” Hoagie said. “I can prove it.” 

That silenced the room. 

“Prove?” Numbuh Q said. “How?” 

“Science. There’s a microscope in the lab. You’ll be able to see for yourself.” He looked up. “But...uh...I might need some help.” He grinned sheepishly. 

“Okay, see that?” Hoagie sat behind the microscope. “That’s one of my skin cells. See all those little round dots?” 

“I see,” Numbuh Q was the first to get a look. “Yes! There they are!” 

“Right. Notice how some are all together, but some are splitting into two? The nucleus of the cell will divide first, that’s the big round part where all the chromosomes are.”

“I do know, chromosome. Yes. For genetic material.” 

“Exactly. Now if we take one of your cells, we can see if any of them are undergoing reproduction.” 

“Where did you come up with this?” 

“This is like...basic science.” 

“Fascinating.” 

“I wanna see!” Numbuh C said. Then Numbuhs N and F weren’t far behind, each amazed by the tiny microscope. They fought for a while over who would provide him with the next sample, but they finally settled on the fact that Numbuh Q was the leader, so they should do it. 

Hoagie slipped the cell under the microscope. He stared in disbelief. “...whoa.” 

“Whoa?” Numbuh Q asked, startled. They leaned into their team. “Is whoa good?” 

“Whoa can be used as a term of exclamation for something exciting in a positive or negative fashion.” 

“I don’t know what to say. I’ve never seen anything like this,” Hoagie said as he showed them the slide. “No mitosis, no cell division of any kind...no shortened telomeres.” 

“What?” 

“Telomeres. It’s the end of the chromosome that shortens during cell division. But that’s impossible. How could you even heal yourself from injury without cellular reproduction? Selective mitosis maybe?” 

“Injury?” Numbuh C asked. “You mean a boo-boo?” 

“Y-yeah,” he said trying not to laugh. 

“I am unsure,” Numbuh Q said. “Boo boos go away very quick.” 

“I had a boo boo on my butt once,” Numbuh F said.

“Right. Well,” Hoagie said. “That should do it. Sorry you had to be scared like that. But my diagnosis is you have nothing to worry about.” 

“Thank you,” Numbuh Q said graciously. “What is your name, Earth Teenager?” 

“Hoagie,” he said. “P. Gilligan...Jr.” 

“That is a very odd name,” Numbuh N said. 

“Why do you have so many?” 

Hoagie lifted his eyebrow. “That’s not even all of it.” 

“We are very sorry to have caused you so much trouble.”

The nerd blushed. “No, no. These things happen. But listen, if you could not tell anyone about us...It’s sort of a secret. We’re not really supposed to leave the Earth’s atmosphere and until we find out what’s really going on, we’d rather not cause a panic with the other kids.” 

“Yes of course,” the Alien said. “If there is anything we can do to make it up...” 

Hoagie smiled. 

“Well, actually...” 

As soon as the door was unlatched, Abby was out like a bat out of hell. She climbed the ladder, Wally and Kuki following. She saw the G:KND members on the flight deck, but Hoagie was nowhere to be seen. 

“What happened?” She asked. “Is he okay?” 

Numbuh Q walked up to her, a look of sadness on their face. “I am sorry.” 

Abby’s face fell. She thought she would throw up. 

“Our interference in your mission has caused you much grief,” they said. “Your teammate explained to us everything. They were very informative.” 

“T-teammate? You mean...” 

“Hoagie P. Gilligan Jr.” Numbuh Q passed Abby. “We will leave you now. Here,” they handed her a small round object. “You have not traveled this far into the Universe before. This will give you access to any planet you wish. There is a Teen planet called Bacchanus not too far from here. They have a S.L.I.N.G.S.H.O.T. there. I understand that you do not want to draw any unnecessary attention to yourselves on your mission, especially to the G:KND. It will be best for you to blend in with the other Teenagers for now.” Numbuh Q turned back to Abby, who was in such a state of shock, she couldn’t move. “Ah, yes. You came here for the Nostronarium, correct?” 

“Uh...yeah...” 

The Alien evaporated for a minute, returning with a glowing blue rock. “Here you are,” she tossed it to Abby, who thought she might cry. 

“Thank you.” 

“Your teammate is in the lab if you wish to see them,” they said. “They informed us of what is happening on your planet...our heart goes out to your children...” their voice was melancholy. “If there is anything we can do, please let us know.” It grinned. “The Galactic Kids Next Door is here to help!” 

Abby nodded. 

“Goodbye, Earth Teenagers!” Numbuh C waved on their tip toes.

“I like them,” Numbuh F said. “They smell like candy.” 

“I have never met a nice Teenager before,” Numbuh N said.

“You have never met any Teenager before,” Numbuh Q stated. 

“Have so!”

“Have not!” 

“Have so!” 

“Have not!”

“Have so times infinity!” 

“Have not times infinity plus one!” 

“That is impossible! Infinity is infinity!” 

They evaporated into the air, while two of the Aliens stuck their tongues out at each other. As soon as they were gone, Abby burst out running again, this time towards the lab. However, as she reached door, her feet halted. Her whole body froze. The day’s events flashed in front of her like a whirlwind. 

What was she going to say to him? 

How was she going to be able to face him? 

Wally and Kuki walked by her into the room. She held her breath, closed her eyes, and stepped through the door. When she entered, she saw him sitting on the floor, propped up against the wall. His eyes were closed. At first, she felt a surge of fear, but then she stopped herself. 

“Aww,” Kuki said, bending down towards him. “He’s sleeping.” 

“Must’ve passed out after the Aliens left,” Wally said.

“Should we move him?” 

He shook his head. “Nah, just let him sleep. You wouldn’t be able’ta lift him anyway.” 

Abby exhaled, setting the rock on the table. 

Then she turned, without a word, and walked out the door. 

“Abby?” 

But she was already gone. 

END TRANSMISSION


	7. P.L.U.M.B.I.N.G.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An old enemy arrives at the most inopportune moment. Wally is shown the not-so-glamourous side of being in the KND as a result. Meanwhile, Abby is worried she's made a huge mistake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: See "end notes" for content.

Now Loading...

Code: [RESTRICTED]

Operation: P.L.U.M.B.I.N.G. 

Potty  
Lipped  
Unraveling  
Malefactor  
Bitingly  
Irritates  
Navigating  
Group

Written by OfficiallyWrong with properties owned by Tom Warburton  
and Cartoon Network

INCOMING TRANSMISSION...

Location: Planet Earth

He paced up and down the hallway, his large boots stomping all over the Persian rug. The guards stationed outside the door covered their ears in annoyance, whispering as he moved past them. He didn’t listen to their words. His mind was plagued with his own thoughts. This was ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous! He continued to pace. The muscles in his back began to ache, his calves sore from the sudden bout of activity they were experiencing. The door at the end of the hall crept open, a small middle-aged woman with thick glasses strung up with a chain around her neck peeped outside. In her hands, she held a wooden clipboard. Her voice cracked as she pushed up her glasses. 

“Mr....ugh...” she squinted, lifting her eyes up to see him. “Toilet-nator?” 

The man stopped his pacing. “Yes!” His exclamation echoed through the corridors. “Finally!” His smile restored to his face as he waddled up to the woman. “You know I have been waiting here for two whole days? I was beginning to think you guys had forgotten about me...” 

The woman looked up at him, unimpressed. “Sign here, please.” She held the clipboard out to him. 

“Oh, yes. Certainly.” He proceeded to sign his ‘name’ onto the sheet. “You know, I did my fair share of fighting against the Kids Next Door back in the day...” 

“Uh-huh.” 

“I even made an arch nemesis!” He clenched his fist. “Numbuh 4!” 

“That’s great,” the woman replied, unamused. “I need your initial.” 

“I swore one day I would exact my revenge on those bratty kids! For years I waited, sitting in the shadows and waiting for my plan to come to light! Now is the time! I will have my retribution! I will have victory! For I am...” 

“Mr. Toilentaor.” 

“Right! Mr. Toiletnator! Uh...well, no. Actually. Mr. Toiletnator sounds so...I don’t wanna say old...Plus it doesn’t really work with the reference and all...” 

The woman took the clipboard. “Thank you, Mr. Toiletnator. Father will be with you in just a moment.” 

The Toiletnator clasped his hands together. “Oh, goodie! He and I go way back you know.” 

“Yes. I’m sure you do.” 

The man, dressed head to toe in a toilet-themed super-villain costume, marched into the study. It was dark, with only a few dim candles and the roar of the fireplace. 

“You have five minutes,” the lady said, slamming the door behind her, leaving the Toiletnator in the dark. 

He huffed. “Well, that was uncalled for.” He walked up to the chair. “Hiya! Father, Sir! It’s me-” 

“Yes, Toiletnator,” the stern voice from behind the chair said. “I know it’s you. What do you want?” 

“Ugh!” He pouted. “You won’t believe what I had to do to even get into this place! I was put on a waiting list! Which wasn’t so bad, but then I had to do all of this paper work, and normally I like paper-” 

Father groaned. “Today, Toiletnator.” 

“Oh, right.” He scratched his head. “Well, see, I noticed you put me on, uh, toilet duty, Sir?” 

“Yes. That’s your...thing...isn’t it?” 

“Well, yes Sir, but I really think I could be of more help. I’ve been practicing my moves and I’m ready to scrub off some rebel scum! Haha! Get it? Scum? Cause I’m the-” 

“Yes. I know.” 

“So what do you think? Are you gonna give me a mission?” He batted his eyes. 

Father rubbed his temples, not bothering to turn around. “Look. We’ve been over this. Your brand of...uh...whatever it is you do, just isn’t needed anymore. You’re much more useful to everyone on toilet duty.” 

“I know you care about your toilet’s Father, Sir. And I respect that, but I really think I could do more! Cree failed her mission. Let me try!” 

“You think you can find Nigel Uno?” Father started to laugh. “You? Who couldn’t even defeat the stupidest Kids Next Door operative? You’re the most pathetic Adult I’ve ever seen! Look at you...” He turned around. “What even is this? You’re dressed like a roll of toilet paper! I can’t have you running around ruining my good image.” 

The Toiletnator’s lower lip quivered. “B-but...I can do it! I know I can! Just give me a chance! I won’t let you down.” 

“Let me make this simple, Toiletnator. I. Don’t. Want. You. I. Don’t. Like. You. Nobody. Likes. You. Nobody wants you on their team. Nobody wants to be friends with you. You are a loser.” Father spun back around. “Now go, I don’t know, swab the poop deck or something. Let the real villains handle it.” 

Fighting back tears, the Toiletnator sat up straight. “Well, fine then! Who needs you! I’m gonna get my own spaceship and capture Sector V! Then you’ll be sorry!” 

“Uh-huh. Sure.” He shooed him off. “Close the door on your way out.” 

“I will not!” He stormed out, only to return a few moments later. “Actually, I bet the glare from the hallway is annoying, so I will close it...no!” He puffed up his chest. “I will SLAM it!” He stuck out his tongue making a raspberry at his boss before slamming the door. 

He walked down the hall, grumbling past the woman with the clipboard. It was always the same. Toiletnator, that’s a stupid idea. Toiletnator, you’re just a hack. He would show them. He would show them all. 

Sector V was going down. 

Episode 13

Water surrounded the child’s head, his ears, nose, eyes, even his mouth, despite his attempts to close it. In. out. Up. Down. The soap stung. It tasted hard on his tongue. Up. Breathe! Down. The water was scalding hot. It burned his skin. Up. Breathe! Don’t talk! Breathe! Down. He felt the grip on his air get tighter. The water swirled around him. 5 seconds...10...he squirmed, unable to push himself up. His hands grasped the acrylic, but he couldn’t hold on to anything. His lungs started to shrivel. Finally, he felt his head yanked out of the water. 

“What did you say?” 

He could barely hear her voice anymore. 

“I’m sorry-” 

Down. He forgot to breathe this time. 

Up. 

He gasped, getting as much air as he could. “I’m sorry!” he shouted again. “I’m sorry!” 

“Next time your mother tells you to get in the tub, you get in the damn tub!” 

Down.

This time it was shorter. 

Up. 

There was a pause. “What are you looking at?” the old voice cooed. “Get outta here before I make mincemeat outta you! Go on! Scram!” 

The child opened his left eye just enough to see the blurry image of a tiny blue dot scoot out of his sight. 

Down. 

Up. 

“Your mother, what does she do?” the old woman said. “She cooks for you, cleans for you, does everything for you! And you brats sit here and complain that the water’s too hot, or the bubbles aren’t bubbly enough...”

The boy hurled himself over the side of the tub, coughing the water out of his lungs. 

“Kids today. They got no respect.” She pulled the boy up by the ear. “I’m not gonna put up with it. Your mother, she puts up with it. God, bless her. She puts up with all your kvetching! Look at me. I’m 90 years old, I got a bunion the size of a dinner roll. When I was your age, we didn’t even have fancy bath tubs or hot water. But you know what we did have? We had some goddamn manners!” 

Down. 

Up. 

Tears were streaming down the boy’s face. “I’m sorry.” 

“Damn right you’re sorry!” 

Back down. 

Back up. 

“I’m sorry...I’ll be good-” 

The child’s head crashed back into the water. His hand grabbed at the old fingers which were laced into his hair. His nose brushed the bottom of the tub as his ears rang. He tried to pry the fingers off, but eventually, the child decided that it would be better to wait until it was over. If would ever be over...

Up. 

“I’m sorry.” 

Down. 

Hoagie’s eyes twitched as he mumbled. “I’m sorry...” 

The waves flooded his head, the water turning salty. 

“I’m sorry...”

“Hoagie?” 

“I’m sorry...”

“Hoagie?” 

One of his eyes flipped open. The light shone almost directly into it, causing him to squint. He opened the second eye, closing the first. He alternated for a while, becoming accustomed to the light. 

“Good morning, sleepy.” He heard a very sweet voice greeting him. 

His face twitched. “K-Kuki? Is that you?” 

“How are you feeling?” 

“Fine. A little light-headed I guess.” he said. 

“Were you having a bad dream?” 

Hoagie scratched his head. “Uh...I don’t remember.” 

“Oh. Well, I have good news!” Kuki said as she bounced from one side of the bed to the other. “Your vitals are good, no frozen limbs, and the cut on your forehead is almost healed!” 

He touched his right temple, feeling a bandage over it. “Was that there before?” 

Kuki giggled. “Well, considering everything you went through, it’s probably the last thing on your mind.” 

Hoagie rubbed his feet together. Everything that happened within the last twelve hours felt like a blur. How long had he been sleeping? He didn’t even remember getting in a bed. His eyes raised up to the ceiling, feeling the soft sheets between his fingers. The skin from his legs brushed against them. Wait...He lifted the sheet up, dropping it immediately. 

His face grew florid. “Kuki...where are my clothes?” 

The girl grinned awkwardly. “Yeah, about that...” 

“My glasses.” 

“Right. They’re-” 

“Abby.” His breath shortened as he started to remember. “Kuki, where’s Abby?” 

“She’s perfectly fine. I ran some light tests just to be safe, but everything seems to be normal with her,” Kuki responded gleefully. 

He sighed with relief. It figured she would avoid him after what happened. That was fine, though. She had to deal with him enough already. 

“We’ll get you some new glasses. They should have them on the Teen planet,” Kuki tried to keep the conversation going. “So you won’t have to worry about seeing for the rest of the trip.” 

“Teen planet?” 

“Abby says they have a S.L.I.N.G.S.H.O.T. there. We’re back on track!” 

“How am I gonna get an exact prescription?” he whined sinking back down in the bed. “This blows.” 

Kuki bit her lip. She waited a little while before responding. “I have something that might cheer you up.” 

Hoagie smiled. “Valium?” 

“No. Wait here.” She left his side for a moment. 

“What else am I gonna do?” he droned sarcastically. 

“Hold out your hands...” she said, her voice getting closer again. 

Hoagie did. 

He felt a soft material fall into them. Though most everything was a blurry mess, he could feel the smooth texture of leather, the hard plastic. His eyes widened as he brought the object forward. It was a green cloth with little yellow flowers all over it. Stitched together with black thread so he could clearly see the seams. A pair of yellow-tinted goggles dangled from the cloth. As he turned it around, he noticed patches of old grey fabric woven in with the new. A fresh “2” was stitched onto the front. In the back inside, a flap of grey fabric still held the name Hogarth P. Gilligan written in permanent marker. 

“I wanted to give it to you before, but then everything happened with you and Abby, so I figured I would wait till you were feeling better,” Kuki said in her usual innocent tone. 

Hoagie couldn’t see anymore. Not because of the distance this time, but because his eyes were filling with tears. He clutched the newly mended aviator cap and goggles to his chest.

“Wally thinks the flowers are too girly, but who doesn’t love flowers?” she said. “D-do you like it?” He didn’t say anything. Kuki sighed. “I-if you don’t like it you can tell me-” 

But Hoagie shook his head. “He’ll love it. Thank you, Kuki...” He wiped his eyes. “This is the nicest thing...anyone’s ever done for me...” 

“Not too girly?” 

“Not at all.” 

“Phew!” She joked. “That’s a relief. Cause after I finished it I found a bunch of these grey jumpsuits that I could’ve used but it just seemed so predictable, you know?” She brushed her hair back. “That’s what we get for living like hobos.” 

Hoagie laughed, his wide, white smile brimming. “Life on the intergalactic railroad.” Kuki chuckled alongside him. “Hey, Kuki. Do you know why they call them spaceships?” 

“No, why?” 

“Because they sail across galax-seas.” 

“Hoagie, no.” 

The boy laughed at his own joke for the first time in a very long time without a hint of hesitation. Kuki shook her head but smiled. Hoagie wiped his nose, his cheeks flushed. The sides of his mouth hurt when he smiled. The grin took up nearly his whole face. Tiny tears hid in the corner of his eyes. 

Galax-seas. 

Good one. 

Wally walked down the hall, his headphones placed over his ears. His feet stopped as he saw a crouched figure, its knees knocked together and its head down in its arms over them. Her hair fell over the sides of her face, uncombed. A red hat lay beside her. 

“Go in,” Wally said as he approached her, not bothering with a greeting. 

Abby raised her head slightly. “Huh?” 

“You’ve been sittin here six hours,” he spoke bluntly. 

Abby’s head lowered as she sighed. 

“If you’re so worried, just go in.” 

“I can’t.” 

“Sure you can.” There was no response. “Did somethin’ happen?” 

Abby squeezed herself. “I screwed up.” 

Turning off his music, he let his headphones fall over his neck. “You talkin’ about the mission or that fight?” he asked. Abby sighed again, moving deeper into herself, ashamed to even speak. "Y'know, I was startin' to think you were one of those stoic badass types like you see in the movies, the ones who don’t give a shit about nothin’. But, man. The way you fired into those alien guys? I thought you were gonna bite their faces off. You were so fuckin' cool." 

"Cool." Abby spat her words. They were sour to the tongue. "You think it was cool?" 

"Well yeah-" 

"A leader is supposed'ta be calm under pressure," she said sternly before he could speak. "They're supposed to make reasonable judgements and protect their team members, not let their emotions get the better of them." 

"Yeah, but-" 

"I lead a mission into unknown territory without doing proper research. I let my subordinate take a hit for me that placed him in a critical situation, and then instead of doing the responsible thing and taking the loss I risked myself and the mission and the rest of my team and on top of that I lost my temper in front of the very people we came all this way to contact. Just what part about all of this do you think was cool?" 

Wally blinked, startled. "Uh...the part where you saved someone? How about that?" 

"He wouldn't have needed saving if I had just done my job." 

"But it all worked out in the end," Wally said. "So it doesn't matter now." 

"What if it hadn’t?" Abby looked up at him, her gaze pointed. 

“It ain’t productive to deal in what ifs,” Wally said slyly, but she didn’t seem amused. "You made a mistake, Abby. It happens." 

But Abby shook her head, rising to her feet. "Mistakes don't win wars." 

"I think you're missin' the point here..." 

"I think you're missin' the bigger picture," she said. "You n' Kuki would'a been stranded out here. You realize that, don't you? The whole planet is dependin' on us to finish this mission. We could have lost everything! Taking a risk like that was completely irrational. I should never have even attempted it." 

"Jesus fucking Christ, Abby!" Wally shouted. "You're not a superhero! You're allowed to be a little selfish!" 

"Shh!" Abby moved into him. "He'll hear you." 

"You're seriously gonna make this about the mission? You're gonna be that person?" His voice was quieter, but not by much. "Don't be a fucking idiot!" 

"He told me if anything happened, I needed to finish the mission. I promised him I would, but when it came down to it..." She clenched her teeth. "I could have just-" 

"Let him die?" 

Abby stopped. 

"You're right. You could’ve. So why didn't you?" he asked. His glare was unwavering as it cut through her. She felt her chest tighten. Sweat rolled down her neck as the words echoed in her head over and over again. 

"I couldn't-" she started, but a lump caught the words in her throat. She looked down at the floor and sighed. Wally waited patiently for her to finish. She tried again. "I couldn't-" But nothing came out that time either. 

"Yeah," Wally said. "That's right." 

Suddenly, the door cracked open. A smiling Kuki appeared out of it. "Well, everything seems to be going super well! He's still a little bit in shock, but overall a successful recovery!" Kuki grinned at Abby and her boyfriend. "You can go in and visit-" 

Abby picked up her hat from the floor and put it over her head, walking away from them. 

"Any time...you...like..." Kuki finished as she watched their leader leave the hallway. Kuki wrung her hands, walking up to Wally who was also watching Abby. 

The boy sighed, placing a hand on her shoulder. "She'll come around, Kuki. These things just take time." 

Kuki nodded. "Yeah." 

Abby sat in her captain’s chair. One hour passed. Two...three...She found herself counting them. She hadn’t been able to stop counting for a while now. It was as though time was shrinking, compressing her into her tiny ship. The time she was wasting trying to get to Nigel, the time she lost in the TND, the time it took for a heart to stop beating. There wasn’t enough. 

You could’ve laughed.

She brought her feet up onto the chair, hugging her knees. She needed to count something other than seconds. Stars. There were too many to count, but that oddly brought her comfort. There was something in life that was infinite...

After a while, she grew tired of counting and ended up staring into the cosmos. When a tiny flashing light arrived in the distance, she paid it no mind. However, as it moved forward, her attention moved toward it. What was it? A ship? She squinted. As the minutes passed, the object got bigger, taking shape. It was a ship. She sat up in her seat. It was nothing, she thought. But the ship stayed on course, moving closer. The airs on the back of her neck stood up as the shape of the ship finally came into view. It was big and black, with large canons on either side. The lights scanned the space. Searchlights. 

Abby’s eyes widened as her breath started to pick up. 

She knew that ship. 

Instantly, she grabbed the communication device on the dashboard. “Attention. This is a code red alert. We are being followed. I am shutting down all operations until further notice,” she announced to the rest of the crew. “Your orders are to stay out of sight until the coast is clear.” She slammed down the receiver, her body getting tenser as the ship grew closer. From behind, she heard the patter of feet. 

“We’re bein’ followed?!” Wally shouted into the room. 

“By who?” Kuki asked, who was right behind him, dragging a perplexed and practically blind Hoagie behind her, who was wearing one of the grey jumpsuits she had found earlier. 

Abby stared at them, incredulously. “Do y’all just not hear what I say?” 

Wally scoffed. “Yeah, yeah. Stay behind. Protect yourself. All that crud.” 

“What’s going on, Abby?” Kuki asked. “How can we help?” 

Abby sighed, turning around. She pointed to the ship. “There.” 

“Psh,” Wally shrugged. “They don’t look so tough.” 

“That’s not an Alien ship,” Abby stated. “It’s from Earth.” Her eyes narrowed. “An Adult ship.” 

Hoagie felt his skin grow cold. “Father,” he whispered. 

Kuki gasped. “N-no way. He found us all the way out here?” 

“R-relax, Kuki,” Wally tried to console her, his own voice unable to hide its quiver. “We’re in an Alien spaceship. Ain’t no way he’ll know it’s us.” He looked over at Hoagie for confirmation, but the look on his face didn’t bring him any sort of peace. “What’s with you?” 

Hoagie stumbled backwards, slowly inching his way away from the window, slipping out of Kuki’s hand. “Abigail...” he whispered. 

But Abby straightened up. Her back was still turned to them. “No way I’m gonna lose to you. Not today,” she mumbled out into the distance.

Suddenly, the ship started to shake, the lights flickering for only an instant. The team grabbed the nearby walls and chairs to stabilize themselves. Abby’s heart began to beat faster as Kuki’s shrill voice bounced around the room. 

“It’s gone!” she squealed. 

Wally tensed. “But where did it go?” 

The ship shook again, this time halting entirely. Abby looked up on the window. In front of it was a tiny little box with some Alien writing. She grimaced. If only they could read the text, then they would have been able to use the features of the ship to escape. However, that was impossible now. 

Wally swallowed. “What if we just ignore the creepy message and wait for it to go away?” 

Kuki nodded. 

But the screen opened up anyway, revealing a silhouetted being on the other side. Its voice was altered into a deep, static-filled tone, unreachable at any normal register. 

“At long last, I’ve found you,” it said. “Sector V.” 

Kuki screamed, hiding behind Wally who was shaking in his boots. “A-A-Are you Father?!” he demanded. 

“No,” Abby told him, her eyes planted on the screen. “It’s probably just one of his goons.” 

The creature smiled. “I am no Goon, My Lady.” 

“Don’t call me Lady,” she hissed back. 

“What did you do with Joey!” Wally moved away from Kuki. “You freaks better not’a hurt my baby brother!” 

“Well, if it isn’t Numbuh 4,” the shadow said. 

“Abby!” Kuki exclaimed. “Let’s get out of here!” 

“I can’t. The ship is stuck. It won’t move.” 

“What?!” 

Suddenly, they heard footsteps coming from outside the bridge. “After all these years. I finally have you right where I want you.” 

“Go! Hide!” Abby commanded. 

“Hide where?” Kuki asked. 

“We’re not leaving you here,” Wally stated. 

“Prepare, Sector V...” 

The door slipped open automatically, steam filling the room. The shadowy figure approached. 

“To meet your...” It stepped into the light. “DOOM!” 

The tall, lanky figure stumbled into the room, waving his hands around in an overly-dramatic fashion. His voice was now normalized, higher pitched and still cracked as though he was still going through puberty. On his wrists and around his head, he wore rolls of toilet paper, around his neck a light, plastic toilet seat. 

Abby stared at him, her jaw already on the floor. “Toiletnator?!” 

Hoagie scrunched his nose. “Toiletnator?” 

“Yes! It is I!” The man screeched. “The Toiletnator! I have returned!” 

Wally and Kuki were no longer standing ready, unable to stop themselves from snickering every time the villain said his name. 

“Toilet-nator. Like a terminator...of toilets,” Hoagie mumbled. 

“Oh man! It’s been so long since I’ve seen you guys! Did you like my entrance?” He asked, getting hyped. “I recorded that message ahead of time. Then I slipped in through the back and came in all dramatic and stuff! I bet you not even Father himself would have been that cool!” He blushed. “What do you guys think? You think I could have used more fog? Make it extra spooky?” 

Abby blinked, her breath regulating. She had never been so happy to see a toilet-themed villain in her life. “Abby can’t believe this. Father sent the Toiletnator after us?” she asked, unable to wrap her head around it. “That’s a new low.” 

The Toiletnator laughed awkwardly, scratching the back of his paper rolled mask. “Well, not exactly...” 

“Numbuh 5 really don’t have time for this,” she groaned. 

“Well, that’s very unfortunate! For you! I’m here to exact my revenge!” His enthusiasm was met with silence. “You know, my revenge? On the Kids Next Door? My sworn enemy?” He didn’t seem bothered by the following lack of response. “And once I do, I’ll bring you back to Father and then he’ll just have to give me a promotion!” 

Wally slunk over to Abby. “You know this guy?” he sniggered. 

Abby rolled her eyes. “Oh yeah.” 

“Wow! You guys are so old now!” the Toiletnator exclaimed. “Is that really Numbuh 3?” 

Kuki flushed. “Who, me?” 

“Look how cute you are!” 

She kicked the ground. “Naw,” she gushed. “You really think so?” 

“Oh, yes!” He went over to Hoagie. “And Numbuh 2!” he gasped. “I can see your face!” 

“Wow...” Hoagie blushed as he finally saw the man cross into his line of vision. “And I can see your...everything. Toilet paper looks...durable.” 

“It’s ultra-absorbent! Extra strength!” He said, proudly. “And soft as a pillow. Feel it!” 

“Oh no, I--” but the Toiletnator stripped off a piece of the cloth, rubbing it onto Hoagie’s cheek. “Huh,” he said. “That is nice.” 

Wally snickered louder. The Toiletnator turned his head, his eyes lit with a fire. “And you-” 

The boy stopped. “Me?” 

“Numbuh 4...My arch nemesis.” 

Wally still couldn’t stop from smiling. “Ho, am I? What did I do, Tee-pee your house?” 

“I’ve waited years to find you. Now I have your right where I--” But the Toiletnator just frowned, softening his gaze. “Oh, what’s the use? You’re all grown up now. Practically Adults! I can’t fight Adults. It’s against my morals!” 

Hoagie’s brow lifted. “Right. But fighting kids is totally okay.” 

“Well, Duh!” He waved his hands in the air. “Kids are the worst! They always cry and whine about everything! And they always make fun of me! Using my toilet paper for their stinky messes!” He clenched his fists. 

Hoagie tried not to laugh. “It’s toilet paper?” 

“That’s why I’ve been planning my revenge! But...” he sunk back down. “Now that you’re Adults, it just doesn’t feel right.” 

“Right,” Abby said. “Well, it was great to see you Toiletnator and tell Father he’s a scumbag for us, will ya? Thanks. Have a nice trip.” She tried to push him out the door. 

“Oh, no. I can’t leave!” the Toiletnator said. “I have to take you back to my boss.” He gained his determined face again. “I will destroy you even though it will hurt inside! It is my burden to bear!” 

Abby sighed. “Abby was afraid you’d say that.” Her foot shot up, slamming over his neck and knocking him to the ground in an instant. The middle-aged man was unconscious as soon as his head hit the floor. 

“Don’t you think that was a little harsh?” Kuki asked. “He’s just a sad little man.” 

“Sorry, Kuki,” Abby stated. “We can’t take any chances. If he sends a message to Father telling him our location, we’ll be screwed. I’m taking him to the brig. We’ll figure out what to do from there.” 

She gripped him by the scruff of his neck, dragging him out of the room. Wally followed, but Kuki and Hoagie stayed behind still processing what had just happened. 

“Can you believe this guy?” Wally howled as he followed Abby down the stairs where the prisoners used to be held. “Ooh look at me. I’m the Toilet-nator! I’m gonna take you down with my rolls of fury! Haha!” 

But Abby wasn’t laughing. “Regardless of who it is, he found us. We need to get to that S.L.I.N.G.S.H.O.T. as soon as possible.” 

“And he thinks I’m his arch nemesis! The toilet guy! My arch nemesis!” he ignored her. “What a nut.” 

Abby smirked. “Well...” 

Wally stopped smiling. “Abby.” He scowled. “Please don’t tell me that shit-breath over there is my real arch nemesis.” 

She shrugged. “You do have quite a history.” 

“But it’s not like...I mean, I fought cooler villains than that, right?” Silence. “Abby!” 

“Wally, not all super villains are fire-breathing demons. A lot of them are just people who are fed up over one thing or another. They just wanna protect their way of life. In reality, evil’s pretty mundane,” she said. 

“Isn’t that what the Kids Next Door does too, though?” he asked. “With Adults, I mean? To protect their way of life or whatever.” 

“Except the KND would never try to eliminate Adults,” she said bluntly. “Even though they really are a lot of the problem.” 

But as she said those words, something ate away at her. Something had been eating at her the whole time. 

Wally pursed his lips. “Maybe we should.” 

“We don’t blame innocents for the crimes of the guilty. They’re trained in their janked-up ideology, yeah, but we wanna help make the world safe for everyone including them. That takes time for some folks to understand.” she stated. “Most Adults just want to live their lives in peace, but they don’t see the consequences of their choices for themselves. They want to believe the system works so they do, and they justify a lot of pain because of it.” 

“Like decommissioning.” 

Abby stopped. The stillness settled back into the air. 

“Yeah,” she whispered heavily. “Like decommissioning.” 

Abby and Wally brought the middle-aged super villain to the brig in the basement of the ship where they were first held by the Highway Man. She had hoped that there wouldn’t be a need to use it on their trip, but now was sort of grateful they had it. It took her a while, but she managed to put up the force field. They closed him in as Wally wandered around, picking up the various doodads and alien technology that the Highway Man had stolen. 

He picked up something long and skinny, looking like a weapon. “Whoa! Check this out! I bet you could pop a couple’a heads with this bad boy!” 

Abby dusted off her hands. The place was filthy. “Don’t mess with stuff when you don’t know what it does.” 

“I’m not,” Wally whined. “I was just sayin’ it’s cool. I bet we could use all sorts’a this stuff when we get to the G:KND.” He tried to use the gun as a sword, but it went off. Abby gave him a sour look. 

“Wally, for the last time,” she explained, tiredly. “We don’t want to fight the Galactic Kids Next Door. We are trying to make peace with them.” 

The boy huffed. “Why? They’re just a bunch’a buggery brats.” 

“Buggery brats with no concept of death,” she reminded him. Wally continued to look through the piles of junk. 

“If they’re really immortal then where do all the Adults come from?” 

Abby leaned against the bars of the cell. “The aging virus, I guess. It’s what Nigel went to the G:KND to find a cure for. It’s been spreading.” 

Wally frowned. “You don’t believe that crud, do you?” He stepped away from the pile of junk. “That we’re diseased or some shit?” 

She crossed her arms. “It’s complicated. We really don’t know that much about it. We’ve got no idea what the rest of the Universe is actually like. They’ve been keepin’ us in the dark, even after Nigel left.” 

There was a long pause. “Can I ask a question?” 

“Depends on the question.” 

“How come you’re so chill about this Nigel Uno?” 

Abby could feel her body getting stiffer. She knew the question was going to come up eventually, but she hoped to have come up with a reasonable answer by then. “Abby wouldn’t say chill...” 

“You haven’t seen the guy in years and you’re still sure he’s gonna be on our side when we see him?” 

Her voice was quiet. “I don’t know. But I know Nigel-” 

“You knew Nigel.” 

“I know Nigel. He ain’t changed.” 

“You’ve changed,” Wally said. “We changed, and we stayed on Earth. He’s on the other side of the bloody Universe!” 

“I have not changed!” Abby argued. “And how would you even know?” 

“Cause you’re different from when we met,” he confessed. 

“Different? Different how?” 

“I dunno! Just different,” he tried. “Like before you were always lookin’ straight through us and now...” 

Abby’s eyes opened wider. 

“It’s like you woke up.” 

She lowered her head, hiding her embarrassed face. He wasn’t wrong. Since Aqueous, or perhaps even earlier than that, everything had become more tactile, more alive, more fragile. She couldn’t just go through the motions anymore. Doing so only got them into deeper trouble. For the first time in years, she touched her skin, feeling the hairs prickle. She noticed that the air was musty in the basement, that Wally’s hair was getting longer and needed a trim. That he wore his shirt half tucked in and half out. It was as though someone splashed a bucket of cold water over her face. She was there, in that room. With him, not peering at him from the other side of a dirty window. 

“I like you better this way,” he said after a while. 

She looked at him while he turned back around to find more junk. 

“And I don’t think you should cut this Uno guy as much slack as you do,” he added. 

“Yeah!” Another voice said. “You should tell him how you really feel!” 

Abby turned to see the Toiletnator, awake and energetic as ever. “Oh. You’re awake,” she remarked flatly. 

“Hey!” Wally snapped. “This is a private conversation! Butt out!” 

The Toiletnator pouted. “I just wanted to be supportive.” 

“You’re a villain!” 

The two bickered, but Abby ignored them. Her mind was grinding.

How I really feel? 

“Oh shove your shit back up your asshole!” Wally screamed. 

“Jeez! Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?” 

“Do you eat shit with that mouth?” he replied. “Cause I all I hear is--” He raspberried into his face. 

“Well!” 

“Will you two be quiet?” Abby snapped back. The boys quieted. “Abby’s got a headache.” She pinched her nose and began walking out the door. 

“Wait!” The Toiletnator gasped. “You don’t wanna fight me?” 

She turned around. 

“We already captured you, dumb fuck,” Wally said. 

But the Toiletnator grinned. “Ah, but without me, how will you get your ship to move again? Hmmm? I’ve got you there!” 

Abby blinked. “Say what now?” 

“Well, I knew I couldn’t beat you in combat alone so...I shot a really big tractor beam at your ship--” 

“Oh no.” 

“And basically, you guys are stuck here till I beat you.” He beamed. “Pretty great, right?! I bet Father would never have thought of that!” 

“Oh, no. No...” Abby covered her face with her eyes. “Seriously, Toiletnator?!” She spat at him. 

“So? You can move it, can’t ya?” 

“No, I cannot move it! I wouldn’t know how!!” 

“Why’d you get us a ship you don’t know how to fly?!” 

Abby rolled her eyes. “I can fly the ship, Wally! And it was your girlfriend who wanted this piece’a junk in the first place!” 

“Ha!” The Toiletnator stood tall. “Already the threads of your bonds are starting to unravel. Soon you will all hate each other! Muahahaha! All those years of friendship vanished because of me!” 

“Oh, shut up!” Wally hissed. “You’re too late for that. The Kids Next Door already beat you to it.” 

The Toiletnator stopped. “Wait...what do you mean?” It was silent. “You guys are still friends, right?” 

Abby’s face was dark. The room grew still as neither she nor Wally knew how to answer that question. “This was a mistake,” she whispered and began to walk away. 

“Numbuh 5?” Toiletnator asked, starting to look concerned. “Is she okay?” 

Wally grimaced at him. “Just shut up.” 

“Wally!” A high-pitched voice echoed through the chamber. “Did you clog the toilet again?” 

“No...” Wally glared. “Why’dya assume it was me!” 

“Well Abby wouldn’t do that!” Kuki exclaimed. “She’s a lady.” 

“Not a lady,” she heard her friend growl. 

Kuki looked at her with concerned eyes. “Abby? What’s--” 

“Yes! The final act of my plan is complete! Let’s see how long you last stranded out here with no working toilets! Ahahahaha!” The Toiletnator howled from inside his prison. “I’m so evil, right? Only a truly diabolical man would come up with--”

“Shut up!” Abby snapped. “God, just...can we get some peace n’ quiet for two seconds around here without somethin’ goin’ screwy! I’m tired!” She yelled as she stormed out. “I can’t solve all the problems all the time!” As she got through the door, she found herself face to face with Hoagie, who had been dragged down there by Kuki. As soon as her eyes met his, she quickly looked away, darting around him before he could say anything. 

Kuki went up the stairs to the main bridge, finding Abby focused angrily on the control panel. She tried out many of the buttons, many of which were weapons that shot out into the sky. She wasn’t a grumbler, and she didn’t often make a habit of talking to herself. However, Kuki could swear that she could hear her cursing under her breath. Eventually, her foot slammed into the metal frame. Again, and again, and again, the muscles in her back and shoulders tensing. 

“Do you want some help?” Kuki finally asked. 

Abby stopped kicking. 

“Maybe a hug?” 

“Just go watch the prisoner, Kuki,” Abby said. “Abby’ll take care of this.” 

Kuki just stood and watched her for a while. She put on a sunny grin. “You know, when I’m having a bad day, I like to take a nice long bubble bath. Light a few candles, get some nice smelly soap...” 

“I’m not having a bad day,” Abby said flatly. 

There was another pause. “Or sometimes talking about it helps-” 

“I don’t wanna talk about it,” she snipped, her words fast and insistent. “I just wanna get the ship movin’ so we can find Nigel and do what we came out here to do.” 

“Wally says you haven’t slept or eaten at all--” 

Abby spun around. “What does it matter, Kuki? You n’ your boyfriend always buttin’ into other people’s business...You know what I want? I just want one day, hm? Just one where nothin’ happens. Just a day of nothing. That’s what I want. Nobody gets attacked or screwed over or lied to...” Kuki noticed Abby turn her body from her again. “A day where I don’t fuck everything up,” she whispered, barely audible. 

“Abby-” 

“I don’t know,” she said sternly. “Any answers you want, anything you wanna hear, I don’t know, okay? I ain’t got the foggiest clue. So please just stop asking.” She exhaled. “Please.” 

Kuki walked up, placing her hand gently on Abby’s back. The tension released slightly. 

“Wait!” The Toiletnator gasped. “You guys don’t remember me??” 

“Yeah, we got our memories wiped,” Wally said, leaning on the side of the wall. Hoagie sat next to him in the dark, unwilling to move around in such a cluttered area. “Apparently we weren’t cool enough to join the super awesome Teens Next Door...” he mocked. 

“That’s crazy!” the villain went to the front of his cell. “You guys were the best!” 

“That’s what people keep sayin’!” Wally shook his head. “It don’t make no sense. This whole thing stinks of bureaucracy!” 

“Or maybe it was easier to keep us at a distance,” Hoagie’s voice, softer than usual, came in. 

“Hey! Yeah!” The Toiletnator exclaimed. “You’re like a super genius! They had to let you through!” 

Hoagie’s head sank. “I’m not a genius.” 

Wally kicked the forcefield. “Ugh. I can’t believe you’re my arch nemesis! It’s so...embarrassing!” 

“Hey!” The Toiletnator whined. “Just what’s so embarrassing about having me as a nemesis? Huh?” 

“Try everything!” Wally walked to face him. “Look at you! You’re a bloody toilet!” 

“Well, I don’t judge you on your lifestyle, do I?” 

“You should! You’re a villain! You should judge us for everything! You ain’t supposed’ta ask how my friends are doing or say ‘oooh I’m soooo sorry’. You should be plannin’ to destroy humanity or somethin!” He slapped his palm into his face. “When I first heard I uset’a be a secret agent I was so excited! Gadgets, guns, pretty girls like in James Bond. But it’s mostly just been a bunch’a crabby Adults in costumes! I ain’t even fired a real weapon yet! It’s all just candy and paintball and ice cream. And you!” 

The Toiletnator swallowed. “Me?” 

“You’re the worst of all! I can’t believe I let my brother get kidnapped by a bunch’a loser fucks like you!” 

Hoagie gripped his feet. “Wally.” 

The villain’s lips quivered. “But...I’m your nemesis...” 

“Nemesis? You ain’t even a real villain! You’re a joke! My nemesis ain’t some piss-ant, scrawny, middle-aged dork with a fuckin’ toilet bowl on his head!” 

“Wally!” 

He spun to look at his friend. “What! It’s the truth, ain’t it! Most danger we’ve been in was yesterday, and that was because you two just had to go on that stupid mission and get yourselves almost bloody killed!” He turned back to the Toiletnator. “You’re just a sad, pathetic, lame excuse for a bad guy! You’re not my nemesis...you’re just a big ol’ stinky pile of...doo-doo pie!” 

The Toiletnator’s eyes grew wide and shiny, tears appearing them by the bucket load. “You...don’t think...I’m cool?” he sniffled. 

Hoagie heard this, rolling his eyes. “Oh, great. Now you’ve done it.” 

“What!” Wally exclaimed defensively. 

“You think...I’m...Lame?!” 

The Toiletnator was breathing heavily with each breath. 

“No...” Hoagie tried to put on an easing smile. “Of course no-”

“YES!” Wally interrupted. “Finally, you get it!” 

Tears streamed down the Toiletnator’s face, absorbing into his toilet paper headwear. They were coming down like a waterfall, tearing the dampened paper. 

“Oh, come on!” Wally groaned. “You’re cryin’?!”

Hoagie stood up. “You hurt his feelings!” 

“I hurt his feelings? Gilligan, lemmie tell you something. You may not have noticed...seein’ as you’re blind, but he is a bloody villain in a toilet costume!” 

“Yes, Wally, I saw the toilet costume.” He crossed his arms. “That’s not the point.” 

“I ain’t gonna be intimidated by some guy whose fashion advice came from the loo!” 

“Well, you could be a little less vocal about it.” 

“Why? What’s he gonna do?” He gestured to the Toiletnator, who had stopped crying and was now scrunching his eyes and hands tightly, in full concentration. “Oh gross. He’s gonna take a shit!” 

“What?!” Hoagie backed away. 

There was a rumbling above them. 

Hoagie turned pale. “Wh-what was that?” 

The Toiletnator’s concentration had not broken. “Lame you say...” He snarled. “And to think I was going to go easy on you! To think I actually felt bad for you! You’re all a bunch of big fat jerks! Well I can be a jerk too.” His eyes grew red. “I’m going to flush you!” 

“That does not sound good,” Hoagie remarked. 

The rumbling got louder. Wally looked down and saw a puddle of water start to appear by his foot. “Ugh! What the--” 

Rapid footsteps were heard coming down the stairs as the door flew open. Abby was there, Kuki right behind. Abby’s face was livid. “What the hell did you do?!” 

“I didn’t do anything! He took a shit in the stall!” He complained, pointing to the Toiletnator. 

Hoagie quivered. “I don’t think that’s what he was doing...” 

“The pipes on the ship’re all broken!” Abby explained. “The whole thing is flooding!” 

“I told you you shouldn’t’ve provoked him!” Hoagie snapped. 

“Well, she never said he had superpowers!” 

“That’s right! I control the down winds and the pipes. Wherever there is a sink clogged, or a toilet unflushed, I, the Toiletnator, am there!” The Toiletnator said. “And if you care about your precious ship, you’ll let me out of this cell right now!” 

“Ha!” Wally scoffed cockily. “Like they would fall for a trick like that.” But as soon as he said that, he felt a firm hand wrap around his arm. 

“I got a better idea,” Abby said. Taking down the forcefield for just a moment, she tossed Wally in with the Toiletnator, locking him inside. 

“Hey!” 

“There,” she said. “You two talk it out.” 

The Toiletnator grinned wildly. “Oh, yes.” 

“Abby!” Wally pounded on the wall of the forcefield. “You can’t be serious! Lemmie outta here! Don’t leave me in here with this nutcase!” 

“Now, you. Fix my ship,” she said looking at the Toiletnator, who had calmed now. “I ain’t payin for this idiot’s crimes.” 

He blushed, scratching the back of his head. “Yeah, well, see...about that. I broke all the pipes and I kinda...can’t put them back together. But at least you guys don’t have to worry about running out of toilet paper!” 

More water started to rise in the room. 

Hoagie backed up against the wall, his breath getting shorter. “I kinda thought I wouldn’t have to worry about drowning today. Silly, silly me.” 

“Get higher!” Abby shouted. She grabbed Hoagie by the arm and rushed him up the stairs. Kuki followed. 

“Hey!” Wally called. “You can’t leave me down here! You guys! Come back...” His lip stuck out. “You know how I feel about the water.” 

“Abigail...” 

She wasn’t responding. 

“Where are we going?” 

She finally stopped, still holding tightly to Hoagie’s arm. She let go for a brief moment as he heard the squeak of a metal door opening up below. Without a word, she pushed him towards the hole, water gushing from the floor into it. She made sure he found the ladder and went with him below. He didn’t bother to speak at this point, knowing now that she often went on autopilot during high-stress situations. When they touched the metal floor, he knew where they were going. 

“In here,” She opened one of the pod doors, guiding him inside. 

He turned around, not entirely sure where she was in space. “Abby-” 

A warm hand cupped around his cheek. “You’ll be fine,” Abby said, reassuring herself just as much as him. 

“Wait-” 

The pod door shut. He rested his head on the glass window. 

Wally paced back and forth, not even wanting to look at his new cellmate. What was Abby thinking leaving him down here? What if something happened and the water got in? She knew he couldn’t swim...didn’t she?

“Great! This is just great! Look at this mess!” 

“Well don’t look at me!” The Toiletnator stuck his nose up. “If you had just come quietly none of this would have happened!” 

“Pfft. Right. Like I’m gonna surrender to you...” Wally grumbled. 

The Toiletnator pouted. “Why are you so mean?” 

The teenager scoffed. “Why am I-- Maybe because you bloody Adults keep makin’ life shitty for the rest of us! Geez! How’d you even find us anyway?”

The Toiletnator smiled. “A Toilet Knight never reveals his secrets!” 

Wally rolled his eyes. “Jesus Christ.” He leaned on the edge of the cell, pulling out a cigarette, the last one he had. He lit it and puffed. “So. You got me here. How you wanna settle this?” 

The Toiletnator blinked at him with wide, innocent eyes. “Settle what?” 

“You say we got some rivalry or somethin’. Let’s just fight and get it over with so I can get out and help Kuki and the others.” 

The Toiletnator smirked. “Oooh. Is she your girlfriend??” he asked, emphasizing ‘girlfriend’ in a teasing tone. 

Wally’s eyes narrowed. “Yes.” 

“Oh.” 

There was a long pause. 

“That’s nice.” 

“You wanna fight or not?” 

There was another pause. 

“Well?” 

The Toiletnator looked down, rubbing his neck with a sheepish smile. “The thing is I got this twinge in my back from moving all those pipes. Not to mention this big knot in the side of my neck. My therapist says it’s from stress--” 

“Ugh! Stop! Never mind!”

Wally turned to scan the wall, the water was already building up half-way. There were weapons on the other side. If he could find a way to bust out of here...he frowned. 

But then he’d have to swim. 

His frown turned to a scowl. He looked at the Toiletnator who was scratching his nose and looking around like absolutely nothing was wrong. Stupid idiot, he thought. Stupid idiot with stupid powers...

But at least you guys don’t have to worry about running out of toilet paper.

Wally’s eyes brightened with an idea. 

“Good thing you don’t wanna fight me, Toilet Bowl,” he said with a sneer. “Cause I’d clean the floor with you.” 

The Toiletnator pouted. “Hey! I can fight! It’s just my sciatica...” 

Wally scoffed. “Please! You couldn’t even take on my Nan n’ she’s eighty years old.” Crossing his arms, he turned to his foe. “Toilets. Some great super power.” 

The Toiletnator’s face was heating up. “I’ll have you know I was entrusted with these powers by the Almighty Protector of the Potty to be a Holy Knight for--” 

Wally pretended to yawn. “Yeah, yeah. Tell someone who cares.” 

“In all my years!” He gasped. “I have never met a more selfish, bratty person than you! You think your parents are proud of you, sitting around smoking that stuff! Letting your life waste away! You call me a loser! At least I care about something! You think you can just breeze through life on handouts but you’re gonna wake up one day and have nothing! Then we’ll see who the real loser is!” 

Wally flinched, but only for a second. “No you.” 

“You’re a loser!” 

“No you.” 

“AGH!” The Adult grabbed his head. “I’m gonna teach you a lesson you brat!” 

“Go ahead and try--” But before Wally could finish his sentence, the Toiletnator tackled him to the ground. 

“Ugh!” he tried to push him off. “Get off!” 

“Not until you take back what you said about me being lame!” 

Crash! The water slapped against the forcefield as it started to spark. Just a bit more...

“I wish it was Father that found us...” Wally shouted, putting the nail in the coffin. “Now there’s a villain worthy of respect.” 

“Only cause he’s a big jerk who takes credit for all the villain’s hard work!” 

Wally could feel his back getting wet. 

“I’d take any villain over you!” 

“Really? Well let’s see how you like this!” With one last scream the forcefield protecting them broke, the water gushing in. “Uh-oh.” Wally quickly grabbed the toilet paper and launched a stream of it as high as he could, dodging the water before it crashed over them. He swung on it like a vine over the water to the stairs. 

“Ha! You lose, asshole!” he shouted. However, the Toiletnator slowly rose out of the water. It swirled around him like a whirlpool. His eyes were blood red, black circles beneath. “Ah crud,” Wally whispered, not having expected that. 

“Numbuh 4!!” The Villain cried out. 

Wally darted out of the room as fast as he could as it continued to fill with water. 

“Crud!!” 

Abby emerged from the water, lifting a massive metal pipe on her back. It took nearly all of her strength to get it connected to the other pipe that was gushing water into the engine room. The pipes connected as she panted. 

“Okay. Wrench’m shut...” she huffed at Kuki who was sitting up above, wrench in hand. 

She couldn’t hide her pink cheeks. “You’re so hot, Abby...” 

“Appreciated! Not the time!!” she shouted back. 

Kuki agreed and after a couple of failed attempts managed to reattach the pipes. Even if they were a little crooked now, the water was floating through and no longer spilling onto the floor. 

Abby climbed up to where she was, her sweat washed away from the water. She wrung out her shirt and hair, catching her breath. 

“I’m worried about Wally,” Kuki finally said. “Will he be okay down there?” 

Abby wiped her brow. “He’ll be safest down there long as he don’t do nothin’ stupid.” She sighed. “Right now our biggest concern is keepin’ the water outta the engine. If we can do that, we might make it outta here alive.” 

“Maybe we should escape in one of those pods?” 

“A pod can’t handle the pressure of a S.L.I.N.G.S.H.O.T. We’d have to find another ship.” 

“Again?” 

Abby nodded. 

Kuki flung her head backwards making a loud grunting sound. 

“If I could get down to the pods we could sneak onto the Toiletnator’s ship. If he gets away we’re gonna have a real problem.” She shook her head. “Damn I should’a thought of that before!” 

Kuki sat back up. “Well, at least the engine is safe now.” 

Crack. A heavy thud shook the two. Then another, and another. More pipes were busting open. Abby looked at them reaction-less while Kuki’s mouth hung agape. 

“Where is all this water coming from?! We’re not even connected to the ground!” 

“The hell should I know? Abby ain’t no magic expert.” 

Kuki sighed. “We’re screwed.” 

Suddenly, she heard a crash. A white stream flew across the room. A figure darted past, grabbing the side of a pipe. The water swirled around in a whirlpool as a dark shadow entered. The only thing visible was its glowing red eyes. Kuki looked to see her boyfriend climbing up the pipe they had just fixed, slapping his butt in the face of the dark figure. 

“C’mon! You call that wipin’ my ass?” he jeered. 

Another stream of white ran past him, wrapping around the pipe. He jumped to another. 

“Missed a spot!” He shouted again, wiggling. The process repeated. The Toiletnator almost levitated into the room, the water moving around him. He looked at the others. “The pipes! Hurry!” 

Abby knew immediately then what he was doing and dove into the water. “Kuki! Help me!” They pushed the pipe to the point where it was connected. Wally moved over that direction, continuing to tease the Toiletnator. Sure enough, he fired his paper at him. Wally dodged with just enough time that the paper wrapped around the pipe, sealing the leak. 

Kuki grinned. “Wow! That is extra-extra strength!” 

They repeated the process until the other pipes were sealed. The Toiletnator screamed in rage, charging towards Wally with his giant plunger. Wally blocked it with a crowbar he had found lying around in another room. The two fought moving back and forth, Wally blocking the villain’s advances with ease. He found himself smiling. He didn’t even have to think about the moves, they simply came naturally. It was as though they were a part of him. 

“Take. It. Back!” The Toiletnator yelled. 

“Take it in the butthole!” Wally sassed. 

The Toiletnator’s hands raised, a flood of water shooting out from behind him. 

“Oh fuck...” he whispered. “Quick! Get to high groun--” 

Slash! The wave crashed into the room, flooding the engine completely. The water continued to pour in, Kuki and Abby now barely hanging on. Kuki cried out to her boyfriend, but by the time she was able to see around her, she could no longer see him. Her heart filled with fear. 

“Wally!!” She looked around frantically. “Do you see him? Wally!!” 

“Kuki! The engine!” Abby shouted. “If we don’t move now we’ll be stuck here!” She crawled over and reached out her hand. “We gotta swim for it.” 

Kuki took it, tears in her eyes as they both let go of the pipe together, crashing into the still-raging water. 

Wally gasped for air, crawling on all-fours onto the solid floor. He had been thrust under the water, holding his breath for dear life. He had managed to flail his way to the surface somehow. He noticed a piece of toilet-paper dangling from a pipe. As he started to climb it, the Toiletnator was not far behind. The water was beginning to fill the middle of the ship. He hiked himself up and up, facing the whirlpool that was encircling below him. 

“What’s the matter, Numbuh 4? Don’t have a paddle?”

Wally looked, but couldn’t find a way out. 

The Toiletnator grinned. “If only Father could see me now! They all laughed at me! Said a toilet-themed villain was stoopid! Put me on toilet duty! Well who’s stoopid now!!” 

“You’re a bloody lunatic!” 

“Oh, am I? Numbuh 4?” He mocked. “Am I a Loon? Am I craaazy?” He took a step forward. “Admit it! You find me intimidating!” 

“No way!” He shook his head. “You’re lame! Lame! Lame! Lame!” 

The Toiletnator aimed his toilet paper rolls at Wally, who flinched. However, looking down he realized they were empty. “Aw, rats!” 

“Ha!” Wally grinned. “How’re you gonna beat me now without your fancy-shmancy toilet paper...I cannot believe I just said that out loud.” His smile immediately disappeared as he hung his head in embarrassment. 

“Oh, you think I’m out?” The villain taunted. “You should always remember the rules of bathroom etiquette. Rule number one—” 

“Uh...” Wally shrugged. “Always wash your hands?” 

“Ooh! That’s a good one!” But he shook his head. “But no. Rule number one:” He lowered his head so it faced Wally like a cannon. “Always have an extra roll of toilet paper!” The wrappings from around his head came undone, tackling Wally in its web. The teenager hung upside down, struggling to get out of the cocoon. Now the Toiletnator only had a brown toilet paper roll around his face, which made him look even more ridiculous. 

Wally wriggled. “What the fuck is this stuff made of?” 

“Rule number two!” He shouted as he rose up to Wally’s level with his powers. “Don’t forget to flush!” 

The rumbling began again as the water swirled faster and faster around the room. 

“Rule number three is always wash your hands!” he grinned. 

“Wait! Stop! My friends are down there!” Wally was now starting to feel a tinge of panic. “Kuki!” 

“I know! Isn’t it great?” The Toiletnator grinned so wide that it cracked his mask. “I was going to give you over to Father, but then I realized that he never let me do anything fun! Why should I be his attendant! I’m the one who does all the dirty work!” 

“Does everything you say gotta be a fucking pun?!” 

“Numbuh 4. A rotten child who grew up to be a rotten teen.” He puffed up his chest. “If anyone’s gonna take down Sector V it’s gonna be me! Lou Pottingsworth III! Air to the Pottingsworth family fortune!” 

“Seriously how can you say shit like that and kill my friends at the same time! How am I even supposed to react to this?” 

“Kill them?” The light in the Toiletnator’s eyes returned for a moment. “Oh no. I don’t want to kill them. That would just be mean.” 

“Oh my god! You are the actual worst villain ever!” He squirmed.

“No one can save you now Numbuh 4 of the Kids Next Door!” 

Wally noticed the water start to deplete. 

He knew what he had to do. 

He knew...but he couldn’t. 

He just couldn’t. 

“Urine trouble now!” 

“Shut up!” Wally screamed. “If you’re gonna destroy me at least spare me your lame-ass jokes!” 

“Once I’ve defeated you, maybe I’ll open up a restaurant. A toilet-themed restaurant! Yeah! Restaurants are a great business investment! The villain industry is oversaturated these days anyway, what with Father getting rid of the Kids Next Door and all...” 

“You dumb fuck! Father didn’t get rid of the Kids Next Door! That bastard’s talkin’ shit and you just blindly believe it!” Wally growled. “I always thought bein’ a revolutionary would be cool, but it’s not! It fucking sucks! I want my life back!” 

“Jeez. Whiny, much?” 

“Your leader took my family!” His voice cracked a bit, but he swallowed. “He took my friends! And you think this is just some chance for you to show off! Fuck you!” he yelled. “You’re right. I was wrong about something...you’re just as evil as the rest of them.” 

“He took your family?” 

“Like you care!” He snapped back. “You let him steal all those kids! I bet you don’t even have a family!” 

The Toiletnator shook his head. “But I do have a family.” He pulled off his mask revealing a blonde-haired, blue eyed man. “I am your family!” 

Wally’s eyes widened as he looked at the face staring back at him. He struggled to find the words, thoughts, anything to explain what he was seeing. Finally, he managed to sputter out: “D-D-Dad?” 

The Toiletnator stopped. “Dad?” He looked around. “Who’s Dad?” 

Wally’s jaw was slacked open, his mind cracking like the villain’s mask. “No way. You can’t be...What kind of soapy bullshit is this?!” Although, if he thought about it, were his Dad to become a villain it would be something lame like a Toilet-nator. But still. No. No... “Dad...” He could feel tears coming in. “Why?” 

The Toiletnator was dumbfounded before realizing. “Oh. No no no no no. I’m not your Dad!” He cleared his throat. “Numbuh 4...I am...your...Uncle!” 

“My uncle?” Wally still couldn’t process. 

“Surprise!” The Toiletnator announced. “I was saving that part for a dramatic moment! Since you didn’t remember me, I thought hey! I bet it’ll be really funny! And I was right! Did you see your face?!” 

“Y-you’re my Uncle? How?! I ain’t never seen you before in my life!” 

“Well of course not, Silly Billy! Your Dad, Sid Beatles, is my long-lost twin brother!” 

Wally’s face grew cold. “Wait...but that means...I’m related...to...” He stared into the goofy smile of his ‘nemesis.’ “No...no!” With an inhale, he screamed at the top of his lungs. 

“No!!” 

Kuki’s ears perked up. “Wally! Abby, did you hear that? I think that was Wally!” 

Abby wasn’t paying attention. “If we could just get to the control room we could probably lower the gate enough to drain the water.” 

“He sounded like he was in trouble.” 

“But who knows if it sustained function through the damage...” She dove back into the water. “If I could get below I could pry it open from the inside, but I can’t even get the door open.” 

Kuki nodded. “If the walkie talkie thingy worked we could communicate with Hoagie in the pod like we did last time. Maybe he could find a way out.” 

“He can’t see ten inches past his own face, I doubt he could locate the drain.” She grit her teeth. “That’s why Abby’s gotta get down there and get it before the oxygen depletes.” 

“How long before that happens?” 

“I dunno. Twenty-four...twelve hours? We’ll be crushed by then.” 

The water around them swirled, starting to move again. This time it was moving downward. A magnetic pull drew objects into the center of the room. Abby grabbed onto Kuki’s wrist who helped her climb onto the pipe before they were swept away. 

“The water’s going down!” 

“We’re being flushed!” 

“What?” Kuki called over the sound of gushing water. 

“I said we’re being flushed!” 

“I know! I do think this was all a little rushed!” 

“No not--” Abby gave up. “Just hold on!” 

Wally looked down below, the water getting more and more shallow as the hole in the ship sucked it down like a drain. Would Kuki make it? Would their ship even survive this? He sighed, looking at the Toiletnator’s maniacal face. 

“Okay! Alright! You win!” 

The rushing stopped. “Hm?” 

“I...” Wally felt as though he were swallowing lima beans. “I was...wrong.” 

His eyes grew wide. 

“You almost killed me and my friends. You beat us fair and square. You’re not a lame villain...” the punk sputtered. “Y-yo-you’re...” He squinted his face. “You’re...c-c-c-...” 

“Yes?” He blinked with his large lashes. 

Wally hung his head. “You’re cool.”

The Toiletnator gasped. “Oh, do you really think so?!” 

Wally rolled his eyes. “Yeah. I guess.” He was met with a long, uncomfortable embrace. 

“That’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me!” he squealed. “Numbuh 4 thinks I’m cool! None of the villains have ever said that to me! Hey! Am I cooler than Father?” 

“Don’t push it.” 

The Toiletnator looked around, noticing the disaster he had caused. “Oh my. This is a real mess, huh?” He scratched the back of his head. “Guess I got a little carried away there.” He chortled awkwardly. 

“You think?” Wally squirmed. “Now get me down from here!!” 

“Oh! Sorry!” The Toiletnator thought for a moment. “Here we go! Let’s try this...” He squeezed his butt as hard as he could, clenching his face and his hands. Wally closed his eyes in disgust, thinking he was going to poop for real this time, but instead the water drained out of the ship, slowly and smoothly. The toilet paper ripped as Wally crashed towards the ground with a thud. “Ooops!” The Toiletnator flinched. “My bad!” 

Wally just glared at him. 

As the water went down, Kuki wasn’t entirely sure what happened, but she knew they had to act while it was still calm. Abby opened the hatch to the launch-pad and went down the stairs, Kuki following. The water had drained down below as well. Kuki was beyond asking why they weren’t in zero-gravity at this point. She knew nothing was going to make logical sense from now on. They got to the pod where Hoagie was, opening it to see if he had any trouble. They found him sitting on the ground, his cheek buried in his palm. Little puffs of air were blowing in and out his mouth and nose, his eyes completely closed. 

“Hoagie!” Kuki shouted. 

He shot upright. “Hm? What?” 

Her mouth hung open. “Did you fall asleep?” she asked in disbelief. 

“Pfft...no...” He tried to deny it. Kuki continued to stare at him. He read her silence. “Sorta.” 

Abby stepped forward, yanking him out of the pod. “Watch him,” she told Kuki. 

Hoagie’s brows scrunched. “There’s a nicer way to say that.” 

“Don’t do anything,” she said to him directly. “Kuki, open the hatch.” 

“Roger Dodger!” she said skipping over to the manual release. 

It wasn’t long before the ship began to drift again, the tractor beam finally turned off. Abby instructed everyone off of the ship as they piled into the Toiletnator’s smaller one, taking everything that they could with them. They managed to escape with some rations, the recommissioning module, a few weapons and scraps, a small bag of their winnings from the paintball game, and their personal belongings. They all watched from the window as the ship imploded. 

“Oh wow. I really soiled your guys’ carpet, didn’t I?” The Toiletnator said. He was met with angered looks. 

“That’s the second ship we’ve lost...” Kuki said. 

“So!” The Toiletnator smiled. “What now, new friends?” 

Sector V looked at each other, then back at him. 

“Oh, come on!” The Toiletnator whined as Abby shut him behind the prison bars on his own ship. His arms were tied to his waist with rope. “Do I really have to stay down here?” 

“You blow up my ship’n think Imma just let you go?” Abby bit back. 

“I promise I’ll be good! Say, I’m even thinking about giving up evil for good this time! I can join your team!” He puffed up his chest. “I can be Numbuh 6!” 

“We already have a Numbuh 6.” 

“Oh. What about--” 

“No.” She turned to walk out. “You wait there till we figure out what to do with you.” 

“Wait! N-Numbuh 5!” he called. “What if I have to go to the bathroom?” 

“Bitch you are the bathroom!” 

“Oh! I never thought about that...” He laughed out of his nose as Abby rolled her eyes, walking up the stairs. 

Abby collapsed on the floor, thinking her body was going to give out. She stared at the ceiling, her mind in a haze. 

“The Toiletnator...” she spoke in a trance. “My ship’s engine...was destroyed...by the Toiletnator.” Her arms flopped to the side. “Anything else?!” she screamed at the ceiling. The others gathered around her. 

Kuki grabbed Hoagie by the arm. “We’re gonna go check out the new ship.” 

“But I can’t see-”

“Let’s go, Hoagie...” Kuki dragged him out of the room. 

Wally peered down. “You comin’?” 

Abby’s arms fell over her head. “Just let Abby lie here for a while...” Wally nodded. He didn’t leave right away, but instead watched her breathe. “I am on beach,” she mumbled to herself. “It’s a warm, sunny day. There’s a crab. Hi, crab. The water’s calm. I’m calm. I did not lose to the Toiletnator. I did not lose to the Toiletnator...” 

“Well, he is my nemesis, so...” Wally said. 

Abby lifted her arm, sharply attacking him with her gaze. Then she lowered it back down. 

“I am alone on a beach...”

Abby made her way down the hall, her attempts to calm her mind not working as well as she had hoped. Her feet stopped as a figure in a light grey jumpsuit came into view. He hadn't noticed her yet. Good. There was still enough time to turn around and...

Abby froze. 

How long was she going to have to keep doing this? How long before she could look him in the eye again? A week ago, she was physically barred from direct contact with him. And now that she had all the time in the world, absolutely no one holding her back, she was avoiding him. She told herself it was for his sake, to let him come to her, but that wasn't true. Her mind went back to that moment in the school bathroom stall, his frustration and anger. Their fights never made him reach that point, no matter how angry he got. There was still caring and understanding along with the frustration and pain. But now he knew the truth. He had a face to direct those years of torture to. It was so easy back then, she thought. She could hide behind a wall and act like she was the hero. She could pretend she didn't care what he thought of her as long as he was still there to have thoughts. Back then it didn’t matter. It still didn't matter, but she couldn't deny it anymore. She did care. All this time she had been concerned with her own pain, her own sacrifice. And somewhere along the way, she had become proud. 

To save him, she thought. Always hurting him to save him. 

She had used that excuse for years. 

But now there was nothing between them, 

and still there was nothing between them. 

And it was her fault. 

Hoagie leaned on the railing, his eyes still unable to focus. Abby noticed him daze off. He didn't do anything to acknowledge the person approaching him tentatively. 

"Y-yo," Abby said. 

"Yo," he said back, casually. 

"That was quite the, uh, adventure." 

He gave a light smile. "I wish I could've seen it." 

"Oh, well," Abby brushed her hair back. "Let's just say our entire mission went...ahem...down the toilet." 

Hoagie made an amused puff. "I'm sure you’re flushed with embarrassment." 

Abby smiled. "A little. But I gotta hand it to him. He was on a roll." 

That one got Hoagie to laugh out loud. 

Quiet settled back into the isle. 

"Y-you can use that one, if you want," Abby said. "You can consider it an apology...or...a peace offering. A parley. I dunno..." Her smile faded as the anxiety took over. "Please talk to me." 

He exhaled. "Abigail..."

"I just wanna get past this. I know you must have a lot of feelings...and you might never..." she fought her way through her sentences. "You might never wanna talk again and I understand if you don't, but I can't deal with the not knowin’ so if that's the case please just tell me now." 

Silence. 

"Right. I get it-" 

"Sorry, I just..." Hoagie interrupted her. "I wasn't expecting any of that."

She sighed. "You must think I'm selfish-" 

"I don't think you’re selfish." 

"I completely ruined your life. There’s no way to forgive someone for that." 

"Abigail, stop. I'm not mad at you." 

There was a long pause. Abby tried to collect herself. "You're not-" 

"Why would I be mad at you?" he asked. "I’m the one who was wrong." 

Abby's voice was quiet, as though she aged down about three years. "No, but, that ain’t true. I destroyed your life's work. I...I ruined your future-" 

"That's what you think?" He replied in genuine shock. "I wouldn't even have a future if it wasn’t for you." He blushed, looking away for a moment in his own embarrassment. "And I guess...I feel pretty awful about what I said. I was obviously wrong and I'm sorry." He sighed. "Even if I wasn't wrong, I still shouldn’t have lashed out, so I'm sorry for that too." His body arched over the railing. 

"But, I-" 

"Abby, listen," he said. "My life is a mess, but none of it is your fault. I'm sorry if I made you think that, even for a second. I never want you to feel that way. Ever." There was a sternness in his voice, but not directed at her. 

Her muscles relaxed, as though a warm energy were running through them. She leaned with her back against the rails, gripping them. "You weren't wrong about everything," she finally said. "What you said about me, the recommissionin' module, this mission, that was all true." Her shoulders lifted as she tried to hide in them. "I didn't want a second chance, I wanted a time machine. I thought if I could replicate the best part of my life then..." But her voice grew solemn as her shoulders sank. "But time only moves forward and there ain’t nothin’ I can do about that. I never even thought about your feelings. I wanted to ignore what happened and pick up where I left off instead of rebuilding what was broken. And that wasn't fair." She hugged herself. "I'm sorry, Hoagie.” 

More silence. 

Then...

"I know people don’t like me," he said, somewhat out of nowhere. "You gotta be pretty dense not to pick up on stuff like that. I've probably always known it. No matter what I do I always drive people away. People don't like needy people. I tried to change. I tried not to bother people. I tried to be un-intrusive and cool and jaded and sarcastic...whatever I could do to not be that guy. I wanted to bury his goofy smile and stupid jokes deep into the ground and become someone else. Anyone else. Funny, though. No matter what I did, I couldn’t escape him. He was always the one they remembered." He ran his hands through his own hair, not wanting to berate himself too badly in front of her. "You didn't have to do it," he said. "Any of it. Nobody would have given a shit if you hadn't." 

"That's not true-"

"No, it's okay. It is what it is." 

"Hoagie.” 

"Why?" he asked, slightly more assertive. Abby didn't say anything. He shook his head. "I didn't get it. It didn't make sense. I spent so long trying to get rid of that kid, and here you were trying to bring him back. And I was pissed, cause I thought maybe I had made some huge mistake. I tried so hard to change, but maybe I was only making myself more unlikable. That idea made me sick. So, I got mad. I'm still mad. Not at you. Just at everything. It's a shitty deal on both ends. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about it." 

"If I could'a found a way to keep my job and my friends, I would've.” Abby admitted, regaining the cool of her demeanor. 

“I know.” 

“But that kind of compromise...it just don’t exist. I couldn't be close to my team and I couldn't stay away. Guess Abby just did what she had to do to sleep at night." Her arms loosened from around her. "That's what I said, anyway. The truth is...the Kids Next Door was everything to me. It was something I’d always known. It was all I had left to believe in. I didn’t know who I’d be without it. I was terrified that if I stepped outta line or made a mistake I would lose everything. Those memories, the Kids Next Door...my whole reason for living. I couldn’t give it up even though it meant hurting people. People I..." She felt a lump in her throat. “Anyway...” 

“That’s the thing though,” Hoagie finally responded. "You can't have just one reason for living. Because one day, that thing could disappear and then you'd have nothing. And when you have nothing, you also disappear." 

There was a pause. "What're yours?" 

Hoagie’s ears perked. “Hm?” 

"Reasons for living.” 

Hoagie chuckled, but there was a heaviness to it. He scratched the back of his neck. “I’m not the one to ask.” 

Abby leaned back further. "I always believed that childhood was the best part of life, and after that it was just one long downward spiral. I thought maybe I could make it worthwhile by making the world better for kids. I did everything I could to get the job I wanted, to stop myself from becoming an Adult who just accepted the world the way it was. But even after all that, I still wake up in the morning some days and think, what's the point? What's the point of movin' forward if the best years of my life are already behind me?" 

Hoagie turned her direction. "Who says they have to be?" 

She smiled, sullenly. "Right. Forgot who I was talkin' to." She pushed herself up off the rail, stretching her arms out and up. "Whew. Abby's exhausted. It's been a long trip. Gonna hit the sack." 

"Abigail." Hoagie’s voice had an insistence that had been absent throughout the rest of the conversation. It was incredulous, somewhat heartbroken.

"You should at least try'n get some sleep before tomorrow,” she said as she started to step away from him. “We still got a long way to go."

“Hold on.” Hoagie’s hand managed to grab hold of her wrist, stopping her before she was able to walk off. She stopped, not facing him. "You don't think that's true, do you?"

Abby inhaled deeply. "Hoagie..."

"You're eighteen," he continued. "You seriously don't think life is going to get any better? Even a little bit?" No response. "Come on. That's insane." 

But Abby was desolate. "That’s just the way it is." 

"What?!" His voice was shrill, causing Abby to flinch. "Who the hell told you that?" 

"You wouldn’t understand-" 

"You don't think your life is worth living? You?" But he wasn’t given an answer. "That's bullshit! How could you even think that? People like you shouldn't think that way!" 

“People like me?” She replied, her voice soft. She hung there, still feeling the tug of his hand on her wrist. She finally looked back at him. “As opposed to, what? People like you?” She felt his fingers twitch, knowing she had stricken a chord with him. 

His grip tightened for a moment, then released altogether. "That's not..." he trembled. "I didn't-" 

But Abby snatched back his arm, pulling up the long grey sleeve. Hoagie instinctively backed away from her, yanking the cloth back over his exposed skin. His face was florid, sweat accumulating all over his forehead and neck. He held his arm as tightly as he could, as close as he could, as far away from her as he could. She stared at him, not reacting.

"Sorry. That was uncalled for." she said practically emotionless. "I noticed a while ago. I'm not an idiot." 

He tried to speak, struggling to even get through the first syllable. 

"It's okay," she said. "You don't have to tell me." Her hand rested back on the railing, her eyes going back down to Hoagie's feet. She had spent the last six years or so looking at his feet. It had become a habit. She listened as he tried and failed to start the conversation over and over again, still unable to say even one word. An excuse. An apology. A denial. A joke. Eventually he stopped and just hung his head in shame. Abby looked up at him, watching as he agonized and held back tears of humiliation. Without a word, she walked toward him. 

He smiled out of reflex. "I'm sor-" 

Four fingers landed over his mouth. His forced grin relaxed.

"I've made a lotta choices," she finally said. "Not good ones. Definitely not smart ones. But...they were mine." Her own eyes locked onto his, her fingers falling from his lips. She brushed his hair behind his ear. "Even if it amounts to nothing in the end, even if everything I did was wrong, I still..." 

Her hand stopped abruptly. 

Her soft, tender voice got heavier. "But none’a that matters, does it?" Her eyes shifted down, her fingers crumpling. Her hand lowered as she walked past the stunned boy.

He tried to call after her, but nothing came out. 

“Anyway, I’m on your team now,” she finally said. “I dunno if that makes a difference, but I hope it does.” 

As the warmth from her body disappeared, Hoagie shriveled a bit. He didn’t cry. He didn’t speak. He pulled on his sleeve again, collapsing onto the railing. 

Fuck. 

END TRANSMISSION

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: Physical violence, abuse. Depression/Self-Harm.


	8. G.U.I.D.E. (PART ONE)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally close to arriving at their destination, the group and their newest tag-along are ready for a much needed rest on a planet of Teenagers. If they can get in with an grown Adult, that is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CONTENT WARNING: Mental health triggers possible.

Now Loading...

Code: [RESTRICTED]

Operation: G.U.I.D.E. (Part One)

Go  
Uncover   
Incredible  
Daring   
Experiences

Written by OfficiallyWrong with properties owned by Tom Warburton  
And Cartoon Network

Episode 14

The sharp tension in the air could be felt on the necks of everyone in the room. Abby gripped the steering mechanism on the ship. This was it. The final test. If she could just get through this, surely, she could save the world. The sonic boom surrounded her and her friends, piercing their ears with hot intensity. A few more...just a few more hours...She looked to her left, Wally clutching his ears about ready to explode from the pressure. Her body tensed as the sound seemed to get louder and louder. 

“Eighty-nine bottles of pop on the wall!” the shrill voice sang with unbridled enthusiasm. 

There was a brief silence as everyone prayed. They prayed for the end, or even for death. However, the Universe was unkind. 

“Eighty-eight bottles of pop on the wall!” It started again. “Eight-eight bottles of pop! Drink one down, pass it around, eighty-seven bottles of pop on the wall!” 

Abby inhaled to speak. 

“Eight-seven bottles—” 

“Ahh!” Wally finally stood up. “We get it! You’re drinkin’ all the bloody pop!” He leaned over to his leader. “Abby for the love of Christ make him stop!” 

The singer of the jingle stopped briefly. “Well excuse me!” he huffed. “I’m just trying to lighten the mood!” 

Wally glared his direction. “Remind me again, why he isn’t locked up in a cage with a muzzle?” 

Abby sighed. “Abby got sick of the whimpering.” 

“Well this ain’t much better,” he grumbled. 

“We just gotta nestle him into a nice planet,” Kuki, who was on Abby’s right, said. 

“No way,” Abby rebuked. “Not with Father still after us.” 

“Aw, come on! I really have turned over a new leaf! I won’t tell Father about you! I promise!” he pouted. “I am a reformed man!” 

Wally rolled his eyes. “Well that was fast.” 

“Abby don’t trust fast.” 

“I’m serious! I’ve renounced my evil ways! I want to try to be good!” 

Kuki smiled. “Aww. Wally. You turned him good! I’m so proud of you!” 

“Me? Pssh. I didn’t do nothin’. He just changed his mind. And he could do it again just like that!” 

“Wally’s right,” Abby agreed. “Sorry, Toiletnator, but we can’t take any risks with this one.” 

The Toiletnator sighed. “I understand. Now. Where was I? Oh, right!” He inhaled. “Eighty-seven bottles—” 

“Toiletnator!” Abby snapped at him. “Please. Can’t you sing a different song? Any other song.” 

The Toiletnator frowned. “But...the ‘bottles of pop’ song is the ultimate travel song...” 

“You wanna go back to your cell?” 

He huffed grumpily. “Fine.” However, his zealousness was quickly restored. “Hey! Do you guys know The Poop Song™?” 

Wally’s eye twitched. “What is a poop song?” 

“I’m glad you asked!” The Toiletnator sat up, clearing his throat. “I feel it!” He sang to Abby, who just sat in confusion. He leaned over to Kuki. “I feel it!” he sang again. Her ears started to perk. Next, he pushed his shoulder against Wally’s. “I feeeeeeeel it!” 

He stood up, lifting his hands close to his chest. 

“I know what to do  
When I’m about to poo!  
I go to the potty pull my underwear down!  
Then I sit and wait, sit and wait!  
Sit and wait until the poop plops down!” 

Abby’s eyes were wide. “This can’t be a real song.” 

(Author’s Note: It’s totally a real song.)

The Toiletnator continued. 

“Then I wipe and wipe till brown leaves town!  
Put it in the potty and flush it down!”

“Dear Lord, kill me...” she whispered. 

Before he could make it to the bridge of his song, however, a voice from the back cleared its throat, quieting the room. Hoagie peeked in, holding onto the doorway for stability. 

“Am I interrupting something?” He asked between chortles. 

“Where the hell have you been?!” A livid Wally shouted at his friend. 

“Working,” he replied bluntly. 

“How?! You can’t see nothin’!” 

Hoagie frowned. “I can see things close to me. I’m not completely helpless.” 

“You need me to be your eyes!” Wally shot up at the opportunity. Kuki quickly acted on the same impulse. “Let’s go. Far, far away from here.” 

“No way!” Kuki snapped. “I wanna go!” 

“Kuki,” Wally shook his head. “What do you know about machines?” 

“Well...” she blushed. “Not much but I’m willing to learn.” She looked at Hoagie with pleading eyes. “Take me with you,” she whispered pathetically. 

“Uh, thanks for the offer guys but I just need to talk to Abigail for a second.” There was a pause of slight confusion. “Privately.” 

Abby’s back stiffened. 

“If that’s okay.” 

“Sure,” came her almost too cool reply. “Uh, Wally you steer the ship. Like we practiced.” 

Wally backed up, a slight smirk appearing on his face. “Oh, I got it.” 

Kuki plopped down disgruntled, unable to hide her feelings of annoyance as Abby and Hoagie left the room. “What are you smiley about?” 

He grinned widened. “Nothin’.” 

The Toiletnator gasped. “You do like my song!” 

“Fuck of, Kleenex!” 

He grinned. “He feels it...” 

Kuki smiled. “He feels it?” 

Wally narrowed his eyes at Kuki. “Don’t you d—” 

“He feeeeeeeels it...” they sang together. 

Abby stood ready as Hoagie walked down the hall with one hand on the wall. She couldn’t help but feel slight twinges of anxiety whenever his steps weren’t perfectly in alignment. 

“So, uh,” she wanted to be the one to start. She knew where this was going. She could be incredibly tactless sometimes, and if the last four hours were any indication, now was not the time to be tactless. “I didn’t tell nobody.” 

Hoagie stopped. 

“In case you were worried.” 

“I wasn’t worried.” 

“Oh.” 

The thick silence fell around them again, with only the vague sing-song voices from the captain’s bridge echoing around. He finally stopped at a door, whispering to himself how he believed it was the right one. 

“I wouldn’t tell anyone,” she tried again. 

“I know.” He opened the door. “I need to show you something.” 

The room was filled with gadgets and tools in places where they really shouldn’t be. Hoagie tried his best to navigate his way around the junk but tripped and fell by stubbing his toe on the side of a bed. He let out an audible gasp. 

“God, I need shoes,” he hissed under his breath. 

Abby rolled her eyes and lent him a hand. “Jeez. You’re gonna kill yourself one of these days.” He stood to his feet as her eyes popped out of her head. “I didn’t mean that.” 

But Hoagie let out a heartfelt and genuine laugh which eased her anxiety. He pulled out the small wooden box he had been slaving away on. 

“Did you fix it?!” Abby gasped, rushing to the bed. 

Hoagie twitched. “N-no. Not exactly,” he admitted. His voice went into a lower register. He picked up the box, aiming it at the wall. Twisting the crank, the song pop-goes-the-weasel played, a bright blue light bursting forth. Abby stood there stunned, but Hoagie just glared at it disappointedly. “It looks like it works. All the mechanisms do what they’re supposed to do. But when I try it, even with the nostronarium, it just isn’t enough.” He sat back on the bed. “I’ve taken it apart and put it back together over a hundred times. I don’t get it. I don’t get how rubber bands and paperclips and wood planks and superglue could produce such advanced technology.” 

“Maybe if you had your glasses it’d be easier.” 

Hoagie shook his head. “There’s something missing. And it isn’t something we’re going to find out there...” His face hardened. “It’s something I’m missing. If I had my memories I’d be able to figure out what it is, but if we had our memories we wouldn’t need the recommissioning module. I’ve tried everything I can think of. It’s like there’s a curse on it. Like only a kid could truly make it work...” He laughed. “That sounds stupid.”

Abby shook her own head. “2x4 technology ain’t supposed to be used by Adults. Even the Delightful Children can’t get a grasp on it despite bein’ ex-KND operatives.” 

“And we’re running out of time...” He cupped his forehead in his hands. “I just don’t think I can finish before we reach our destination,” he sighed. “I didn’t want to disappoint you. I know how much you wanted your friends back. But this is beyond me.” He dropped his hands. “I’m so sorry.” 

Abby looked at him for a while, letting the words sink in. She rested a gentle hand on his shoulder. “It was a long-shot anyway.” He didn’t look up. “I’m sure we’ll find a way to finish the mission without it.” 

“What about you?” he asked. 

“Me?” 

“I know you want to see your team again.” 

Abby smiled. “What you talkin’ about? My team’s already here.” 

Hoagie’s head lifted, finding her gaze. 

Her eyes twinkled, as though she was holding a precious secret. For the first time in ages, she could feel them laughing. She grabbed his arm, yanking him. “So no more sittin’ in the dark.” 

“Abby.” Hoagie was hesitant. “Didn’t you hear what I said? I can’t get our memories back.” 

“Then we’ll just have to make new ones.” 

“You’re taking this a little too well.” 

“Yeah, well,” she shrugged. “Maybe it’s for the best.” She held tightly to his arm. “Hey. Now that we’re finally gettin’ close to finishin’ the mission, it’d be cool if we could all just spend time together. I-If you want.” She let go, bringing her hand close to her chest. “You think you’d, uh, wanna do that?” 

“I’m pretty sure you’re stuck with us either way,” he teased. 

“No, I, do you--,” She swallowed. “I mean would it be okay if—” Her hand clasped over her face. “This is hard.” 

“What?” 

Abby couldn’t bring herself to look his direction, instead finding a point on the ground to stare at. Her cheeks were burning, her heart pounding in her ears as she forced out the words: “Do you...want to...be friends...” 

Hoagie blushed. 

“With me.” 

The corner of his lips twisted up. “S-Sure.” 

Abby nodded. “Cool.” 

She didn’t know what it was about being a Teen that made things so difficult. Her mind raced back to when she was a young child, before the Kids Next Door, a time she barely ever thought back to. The little girl staring at the kids and the other end of the sandbox, holding a bucket and a shovel. Would they look over? Could they see her? What if they said no? She wanted to stick her head in the bucket. 

“So. You wanna go upstairs? Take a break?” 

“Yeah. That sounds nice.” 

“Everybody!” The Toiletnator’s voice rang shrilly. “Bye-bye poop!” 

“Bye-bye poop! Bye-bye poop!” Kuki sang along with cheer. 

Wally’s head shifted toward her. “You are dead to me.” 

“Then I pull up my pants, wash my hands!  
Wash my hands and do a Potty Dance!” 

Kuki and the Toiletnator danced a polka jig around Wally, who was just about to scream. Abby and Hoagie walked in on the scene. Abby covered her mouth trying not to laugh while Hoagie looked on, not really understanding or seeing what was before them. 

“Abby!” Wally whined. “Thank god you’re back! Save me! I can’t take it anymore!” 

Hoagie chuckled. “Dude. What is even happening right now?” 

“It’s Armageddon! The Rapture! It’s torture! Make it stop!” Wally covered his ears. 

Kuki and the Toiletnator continued to dance, making musical interludes with their voices. 

“So. This is how the world ends,” Hoagie finally remarked. “Not with a bang, but with a polka.”

Abby smacked him gently in the arm. 

LOCATION: Encroaching on Teen Territory

The Teen Planet Bacchanus was one of the only places in the galaxy that outlawed both Children and Adults. Teenagers were a unique breed of creature, ones who no longer possessed the innocence of a Child but rejected the discipline of the Adult. For this reason, controlling the Teen was one of the most difficult tasks a planet could undertake. Many planets ignored them or called them out as menaces to their societies. And while some Children enjoyed having them around, the Teens themselves were not thrilled about living such simple lives as that of the Child. The customs of the Teenager were alienating to other communities, sometimes even destructive. Many Adults attempted to discipline the Teens by forcing them to work or into education. Some responded well and did as they were told. Others rebelled and escaped into the cosmos. Thus, what came to be known as “Teen Territory” was highly unpredictable. The Teen Planet Bacchanus was one such place. Depending on where you landed, you could have an entirely different experience, as the members of Sector V would soon discover. 

Bacchanus’ Teen-only policy was to protect their way of life and to prevent the Adolescents from being nagged. Since the virus had not affected this planet, there was no reason for Adults to be a part of their emerging culture. While Teen Territory was relatively new in the history of the Universe, Bacchanus was the oldest of the planets and therefore the most advanced technologically. They, unlike some newer more rebellious planets, still had loose ties with the other territories including, to Abby’s relief, the G:KND. She knew very little about these outer territories because the information on them was left in the RESTRICTED section of the Galactic Kids Next Door’s Universal Histories Code Module (what you are currently reading). No one from Earth was allowed to look at their documents without permission and not even Nigel Uno, the Earth representative, really knew its contents. 

Abigail Lincoln and her makeshift army may have been floating in space unknown before, but in many ways where they were headed would be the biggest mystery they’d face yet. 

This did mean, however, one thing. 

To enter the territory, they had to get rid of the Toiletnator. 

“Just dump the guy,” Wally said. “Put him on an asteroid or somethin’.” 

“Wallabee!” Kuki gasped. “He’s your family!” 

“So?!” he griped. “He tried to kill me!” 

“He didn’t try to kill you...” Kuki tried. 

“Yes, he did!” 

She shrugged. “Only a little bit. And then he apologized.” 

Abby finally stepped in. “The S.L.I.N.G.S.H.O.T. is in the Teen Territories which means we can’t bring in anyone over 21,” she explained. “So we can’t take him in, but we can’t just dump him either.” 

“Why not?” Wally grumbled. “It’d make our lives a hell of a lot better.” 

“Because he might go to Father and tell him everything!” Abby reminded him. “If Father tracks us out here and we lead him to the G:KND, the damage would be irreversible.” She tapped her foot, her mind trying to formulate a plan. Nothing was coming. 

Kuki clasped her hands together. “What do we do?” 

“Lie.” 

The three turned to look at their fourth teammate who nonchalantly sat with his feet on a chair and his face toward the ceiling. Hoagie was only half paying attention at this point, trying to focus without his glasses was starting to give him a headache. 

Abby frowned. “Lie?” 

“Like people don’t lie about their age all the time,” he continued sarcastically. “Lou is a human, like us. We have shorter lifespans than these beings. Hell, they may even be immortals like the kids on Aqueous. How are they going to tell the difference between ten or twenty years?”

Kuki wrung her hands together. “That’s a good point.” 

“So what, give’em fake IDs?” Wally asked. 

“Nah,” Abby jumped in. “They’re trickier than that. It’ll probably be some test.” 

Kuki whined. “Ugh. A test? I hate tests.” 

She thought about this plan. “Well, Abby don’t like it, but we may not have a choice. Though, gettin’ an Adult to pass a test designed for a Teen won’t be easy.”

“First thing’s first,” Kuki said. “We gotta do something about those clothes.” 

The four looked at their fifth companion who was standing there the whole time, wide-eyed and confused. 

“You guys keep talking about me like I’m not—” 

“I mean, look at him,” Kuki continued. “He’s a literal walking toilet bowl.” 

Abby sniffed herself, recoiling. “Oof. I think we all could use a wardrobe change.” 

Kuki gasped, slamming her hands into her cheeks. “Do you think we’ll have time to go shopping!” 

“I still need glasses,” Hoagie reminded them. 

“And we ain’t even taken a break since we left,” Wally said. “Every time we try, somethin’ always happens.” 

“It’s like the Universe is conspiring to keep us on this journey as long as possible,” Kuki agreed. 

Abby rolled her eyes. “The Universe don’t conspire to make things happen. We just hit a string’a bad luck is all.” 

“Um...hello?!” The Toiletnator waved his arms around frantically. “What about me??” 

“Yeah. What are we gonna do with Potty Mouth?” 

“Actually,” Toiletnator raised his finger in lecture. “Potty Mouth is a different toilet-themed villain. I know. I know. It’s very easy to get confused. He isn’t as cool as I am though. Right, Numbuh 4?” 

Wally’s voice flattened. “I regret everything.” 

Hoagie blinked. “Of course there are two toilet villains. Of course there are.” 

Abby sighed. “Alright, Toiletnator. Looks like we’re gonna have to teach you how to be a Teen.” She smiled slightly. “Think you can handle that?”

“You can count on me, Sir!” 

“Ooh!” Kuki jumped up. “I wanna do his outfit!” She grabbed Abby’s hat off of her head and pulled the Toiletnator out of the room. “This is gonna be so fun!” 

“Hey!” Abby chased after them. “Numbuh 3!” The boys could hear her voice echoing through the ship halls. “You better not be puttin’ Numbuh 5’s hat on that villain. Numbuh 3!!” 

Wally tilted his head. “What is with her and that hat?” 

Hoagie shook his head, not having an answer. 

“Yo-yo-yo, wazzup mah skizzles?” 

“Please die.” Wally stated sourly. 

The Toiletnator, who was wearing a make-shift outfit Kuki put together with a grey jacket, baggy pants, and Abby’s hat put sideways on his head, gave his ex-nemesis a pout that rivaled all puppies. 

Abby’s hands were in her hair. “Why is it that when Adults try to act like kids they always just stereotype black kids from the nineties?” 

Kuki gave an awkward laugh. “Pfft. Right. So dumb.” Quickly, she leaned into the Toiletnator’s ear. “Forget everything I ever told you.” 

“Aww, shucks you guys. I don’t think I can do this,” the Toiletnator sulked. “Maybe you should just leave me on an asteroid. To wither away into nothing in the cold emptiness of space...” 

Wally huffed. “Sounds good to me.” But backed off when he saw Kuki growling at him. 

Abby walked up to the villain, putting on an agreeable smile. “Nah, you’ll get it. You just...maybe have to be less, uh, what’s the word?” 

“Racist,” Wally stated. 

“Look. The harder you try to act like what you think a Teenager is, the less likely they’re gonna believe you. So just relax, take a deep breath, and lose the hat.” 

Kuki sunk. “I liked the hat.” 

Abby fluffed up the Toiletnator’s hair. “First off, we can’t keep callin’ ya Toiletnator. No matter how old you are, that’ll get you kicked outta Teen Territory for sure.” She put her hat back on her head, where it belonged. “Second, bein’ a Teenager ain’t about knowin’ the right words to say or even dressin’ like you just rolled outta bed...although, Kuki, that’s a pretty damn good job.” 

“Thanks!” she froze. “Wait...” 

“Bein’ a Teen is all about attitude.” 

“Oh!” Lou jumped up and down. “You mean like this!” He stuck his lip out along with his right hip, crossing his arms. Wally slammed his hand into his face as Kuki started snickering uncontrollably. 

“N-no. The best way to convince anyone you’re a Teenager is if you think you know everything but really you don’t know shit.” 

He looked at her confused. 

“Just act like no one is right and you hate everything,” Abby clarified. “Basically, act like Numbuh 4.” 

Wally flushed. “Hey!” 

“What? You’re the most Teeny Teen Abby knows.” She pushed him toward Lou. “Go on, show’m.” 

Wally groaned and rolled his eyes. “Do I have to?” he complained, dragging out his words. 

Abby grinned. “See? Piece’a cake!” 

But Lou still looked nervous. “Can’t I just do my rap for the—” 

“No!” All four shouted in response. 

LOCATION: Outer Teen Territories 

Abby shrunk a bit as she stared into the dead eyes of their Alien examiner, who was humanoid enough to have readable facial expression. And from what she could see, that facial expression was nothing short of complete and utter boredom. Their grey skin and dark hair was unwashed and unkept, their eyes like a fog. They were the very depiction of a rainy day in the form of a being. Abby could even smell what she identified as dampness coming from them. They appeared to be chewing something, leaning down on the desk where they looked the team up and down. 

“Welcome to Bacchanus,” they said unenthusiastically. “State your business.” 

Abby stepped forward. “Hi. We need to get to your S.L.I.N.G.S.H.O.T. as soon as possible...” 

The dead eyes didn’t flinch. “It’s under repair.” 

“Under repair?” Abby couldn’t believe this. “For how long?” 

The Alien shrugged. “Like a day. Maybe two. How should I know? I don’t work for them.” 

Abby’s head fell to her chest. “Great. That’s just great.” 

“Well, we did say we wanted some time to rest,” Hoagie reminded her. 

“By day...” Abby asked. “What exactly do you mean?” 

The Alien’s face scrunched. “You don’t know what a day is?”

“No, I know--” she tried to save herself. “What a day is I just wanna make sure you know, you know? So you don’t say day n’we end up here a year.” 

They continued to stare at her blankly. “Yeah so a day is when the big shiny thing in the sky moves all the way around one of the big planets. Bacchanus, where we are, that’s a plan-et—”

“Yeah, I get it.” 

“When it’s light outside, that’s called daytime.”

“Right. I was just—” 

They continued to speak condescendingly. “And then when it gets dark, that’s called nighttime.” 

“Yes,I know!” Abby snapped. “So one to two days then...” 

They shrugged. “Give or take.” 

Suddenly, a hand shot up. “Excuse me!” Lou waved it around. Abby tried to ignore him. “Numbuh 5! Yoo-hoo! Hey!” 

“Jesus...What?!” Abby snapped. 

“How come you guys can understand what the Alien is saying?” he asked. “Is there a special code? Are they reading your mind?” 

She pressed her face to her palm. “Fuck. Uhh,” she turned back to the Alien. “You don’t happen to have one of those...translation worm things on hand, would you?”

“Earworm,” Hoagie said proudly, and Abby gave him a sour look. 

The Alien stopped for a moment before pulling out a bucket of glowing, fat, wiggly worms of various colors. “What color?” 

“What’s that? Can I get the pink one?!” Lou gasped, jumping up and down like a child. 

Kuki grumbled. “No fair. I want a pink one.” 

Hoagie held his ear, putting together what was happening. “Don’t think about it, don’t think about it,” he repeated to himself. 

Abby gave Lou a pink worm and as he asked her what exactly it was that it did, the parasite slithered into his ear. He screamed at the top of his lungs, dancing around as the technology nestled into his ear canal. Before he could say anything, Abby was back at the counter. 

“We need access for five,” she finally said. 

“Alright,” The Alien sat up. “Let me inspect them.” 

Kuki grabbed Wally’s hand, swinging it giddily. “This is so exciting. Aren’t you excited?” 

Wally rolled his eyes. “Hungry is what I am.” 

“You’re so cute when you’re hungry.” 

“You’re cute when you’re thirsty—” he said with a smirk. 

She flushed, smacking him. “Wally, stop!” She brushed her hair back. “Not here.” 

“Wow,” The Alien said. “You guys are gross.” They went down. “Definitely Teens.” 

Kuki ran to the counter. “How did you know?!” 

“Puppy love relationship that’s ultimately doomed?” they laughed. “Those outfits? Yeah. It’s not hard.” 

Wally became a fire engine. “Hey! Our relationship is just fine, thank you very much!” 

“Yeah!” Kuki responded defensively. “My Wallybear is the best boyfriend ever and you’re just jealous!” 

But the Alien didn’t emote. “Oh god it’s worse than I thought.” 

“Jeez,” Hoagie whispered to Abby. “What an asshole.” He rolled his eyes up for a second. “Is asshole a gender-neutral word? It should be a gender-neutral word. I mean everyone’s got one right--” 

“Next.” 

Hoagie took his cue and stepped up to the counter. “Uh,” he started. “I’m not sure what to do here.” 

“Oh, you don’t have to do anything. You reek of Teen.” 

“I do?” 

“Let me guess,” they said, putting on a more whiny, facetious voice. “Nobody understands me or my pain. I suffer so much even though I literally have no problems. I’m so weird and nobody likes me—” 

He flinched, laughing. “Oh-okay you can stop—” 

“I mean could you be any more desperate for attention?” 

Hoagie flushed, trying to keep his smile on. “Yeah. We get it. Thank you very much for that insight.” He tried to walk away. 

But the Alien stopped him. “Pro-tip. You’re not special. Everyone is depressed where you’re going.” 

Hoagie didn’t know what to say to that. 

But Abby did. 

“Wow. Okay,” She walked up to the desk. “Lemme give you a pro-tip...” 

“Abby—” he tried to stop her, but she waved her hand in front of his face. 

“Nuh-huh. You think you can talk about my friends like that and not expect me to come over and whoop yo’ Alien ass? I don’t care how many there are I will whoop all of them.” 

“Ooh! Numbuh 5! Can I go next!” 

Abby slowly turned around to see Lou waving at her. She groaned. “Yeah. Sure.” She glared back at the Alien. “Don’t think we’re done here.” 

“No.” The Alien looked at him harshly. 

“N-No?” 

“You expect me to believe that thing over there is a Teen?” The Alien laughed. “Look at it.” 

“I—” 

“Sorry. No kids allowed.” 

Lou slammed his foot down. “Hey! I’m not a kid!” 

“If it was an Adult I might be able to sneak them through. Adults come here sometimes when they want to escape the working world and for, like, weird business retreats. But kids? No way. Fuck that.” 

Lou pouted. “But I am an Adult!”

Abby’s hand found itself in the very familiar place on her forehead again. “He’s just...different,” she tried. 

“I’m an Adult! I am! I am! I am!” 

“Will you stop that?” Abby yanked him back. “You are making a scene.” 

“I am just as much an Adult as any other Adult! No matter what Father says!” He screamed.

“Oh no don’t talk about...not here...” 

“Always telling me what to do. Thinks all I’m good for is cleaning toilets. I’ll show him! I’m not even gonna mention his name! You hear that? You’re dead to me! Dead! You miss my birthday every year and I’m supposed to do whatever you say? Well tough...table napkins, Bub!” 

Kuki whispered to Hoagie, whose mouth along with Wally’s was on the floor. “Oh, he’s good.” 

“I’m gonna go to this new planet and forget all about you! Ha! Then we’ll see who needs who! I don’t even have to do what you say anymore! You don’t know me! In fact, from this point on, I’m not even gonna call myself by my name. That’s right! From now on, my new name is...Louis! And you don’t get to call me that. You don’t get to do anything anymore ever! Cause you know what, Benedict? You’re not my dad!” 

“Swear,” Abby whispered to him. 

“You’re not my...flippin’ dad!” 

She sighed. “Close enough.” 

Silence fell over the room as all eyes rested on the Alien at the desk. Finally, they walked around the desk. “Whoa. I felt that.” 

“You did?” They all seemed to ask at the same time. 

The Alien nodded. “If I had a dad. I would definitely feel that way.” 

“But Father’s not my dad.” 

They put a hand on their chest and exhaled. “That’s deep,” they replied as they nodded. 

“No. He’s my boss.” 

“If he’s your boss he can’t be your dad.” 

“Right.” Even Lou was starting to get confused now. “What?” 

“And if he’s your dad, he wants to be your boss.” 

“I don’t know...what you’re saying...” 

“He’ll never be your dad.”

“He’s not my dad.” 

“And he never will be.” 

“Right.” 

“I’m totally emotional right now.” 

“Does he pass or not?” Abby asked, irritated. 

The Alien shushed her. “I feel like someone finally understands me.” They smiled. “Fuck you, Dad. I don’t know what it means, but something about it just feels right.” 

“Yeah!” Lou now Louis exclaimed flinging their arms into the sky. “Fuck you, Dad!” 

“You,” The Alien continued. “Are the coolest Teenager I have ever met.” 

Abby shrunk. “Oh no please don’t tell him that.” 

Kuki sniffled squeezing her boyfriend’s hand. “They grow down so fast...” 

“Great. He passes. Let’s go—” 

“Whoa! Whoa...” the Alien stopped her. “What about you, oh responsible one? You think you’re gonna get past me without a test? Someone who doesn’t even know what a day is?” 

Abby glared at the Alien for a solid ten seconds before responding flatly. “You got any iced coffee?” 

The Alien looked at her for a few seconds. 

“You all pass.” 

As they entered their ship which was now approved to go to Bacchanus, the Alien waved one last goodbye to them. “Goodbye, Louis,” they said solemnly, mouthing a very distinctive ‘call me’ after. But Lou now Louis had no idea how to get ahold of them nor did he recognize what was happening, and simply waved like an idiot. 

“I mean Kuki and my relationship is perfect.” 

“Uh-huh.” 

“It’s got a few kinks, but every relationship has kinks.” 

“You bet.” 

“That Alien doesn’t know what they’re talkin’ about.” Wally looked at his friend, who was slumped over with eyes darting out the window. “You okay, Mate?” 

“Sure. Great. Never better.” He turned closer to the window. “Not triggered at all.” 

Wally pursed his lips before continuing. “Like I said. That Alien doesn’t know shit. Just assumes everything. So, don’t let it get ya down, M’kay? Besides, assuming mental illness is just a plea for attention reinforces harmful stereotypes so fuck giving any attention to that.” 

Hoagie smiled quietly beneath his pinkening cheeks. 

“Still, it’s good to know ‘Fuck you, Dad’ is a universal language.” 

Hoagie started to crack a grin. 

Wally beamed. “There it is. There’s that smile...” He nudged his “best friend” with his shoulder until the boy rolled his eyes and gave in. 

“You’re right, though. Your relationship does have a lot of kinks.” 

Wally started to crack himself. “Ha. Ha.” 

“So very kinky.” 

“You and your cruddy jokes,” he said as he playfully nudged him once again. 

Kuki crawled over and sat next to Abby, her eyes shining with anticipation. Never a good sign. 

“So I was thinking...” 

Abby’s cheek was lodged into her palm, resting on the window. “Mhmm.” 

“You know how that meanie Alien liked the Toiletnator? I mean really really liked him?” 

“It really is a mystery,” she said. 

“Well it got me thinking. About how we can you know...” Kuki put her palms together and curved them around to the right, as though to signal a circumvention. Abby lifted her brow, interested but skeptical. “Okay so get this. What if when we’re on the Teen planet...we...” she paused in anticipation. Abby hated anticipation. “Set Louis up on a date!” 

Abby wasn’t convinced. “A date?” 

“Doesn’t that sound like fun?” 

“Set an Adult up with a Teenager? No that does not sound like fun.” 

“Well, technically most of those Teens are immortals, right?” Kuki asked. 

“I don’t know,” Abby replied. “And it ain’t safe to assume that. The Toiletnator is a middle-aged man. He’s gotta be with a middle-aged someone.” 

“But if he met someone and fell in love then he wouldn’t want to be with us anymore! Plus, he could find true happiness and wouldn’t have to go back to Father either! It’s the perfect plan! I’m the matchmaking Queen. I totally got this.” 

Abby was hesitant. “I dunno Kuki...”

“Trust me. Perfect plan. You’ll see.” 

“Uh-” 

“You will see.” 

Location: Dystal City on the planet Bacchanus 

Swirls of black smog hovered over the brightly lit city, flashing with the occasional pink and green solar storm. Dystal City certainly looked like something out of an cyberpunk dystopia, with towering buildings and neon signs plastered on nearly every corner. The streets were packed with vehicles, mostly those that hovered and flashed their lights at the bottom of their wheels. The Teen Aliens also glowed, their bodies coated in luminescent paint. From the air, they would appear as glowsticks. Stacked on top of the buildings were chimneys shooting the smog into the air. The streets were chaotic, violent, loud. Broken glass, empty bags, and cigarette buds littered them. Screeching music blasted from the rooftops of nearly every building. Abby tried to make herself small as she walked through. 

She felt strange. 

Normally, these scenes were nightmares to her. She hated the TEENZ’ loud music and usual party scene. The destruction, the chaos, it wasn’t her thing at all. However, the more she inhaled the odd smelling air, she felt almost happy. Happy and something else...like all of her worries were just melting away into the black tar above her. She wasn’t thinking about the mission, so much so that she had to keep reminding herself why she was there to begin with. She checked in with her friends and Louis, who seemed to be having similar reactions to the pandemonium. 

“Wowy wow wow!” Louis spun around taking in the sights. “This place is happinin’!” 

“Don’t say happenin’,” Abby grumbled. 

“What do you guys wanna do first?” Louis asked, excitedly clasping his hands together. “Ooh! We could go to the park and play parcheesi!” He gasped. “No! Balderdash!” 

Kuki gently nudged Abby, holding Hoagie with her other arm. 

“You know what?” Abby said. “We have to find Hoagie some glasses so why don’t we focus on that?” But Kuki kept nudging her. “Kuki. Would you like to take the Toil-I mean Louis to the mall?” 

“There’s a mall?” Hoagie asked. Abby shrugged.

“Yes! Let’s go to the mall!” Kuki exclaimed. 

“Slight problem,” Hoagie whispered. “We don’t actually have any currency to pay for—” 

“I’m gonna buy a whole new wardrobe!” Kuki beamed. “And shoes! Oh, I missed shoes!” 

“Uh, yeah. Great. But as I was saying we need something to exchange for the product. I mean if there’s a mall they must use some kind of currency, although they could possibly be merchants and traders in which case maybe we could haggle.” 

“Maybe you can trade him,” Abby quipped, peering over at Louis. 

Hoagie frowned. “You’re on the good team, aren’t you?” 

Kuki grabbed Louis’ hand, swinging his and Hoagie’s like a pendulum. Before she broke off, she whispered to Abby with a wink. “Don’t worry, Abby. Kuki Sanban is on the case!” 

“Oh, wonderful,” Abby replied flatly.

“Take care of her, Wally!” Kuki called. “Don’t do anything stupid!” Hoagie tried to speak as she dragged him and Louis off into the crowd. 

Wally looked at Abby after she was gone. “Wanna get high?” 

“Absolutely not.” `

“Oh, come on!” He whined. She walked away from him. “Just an eency weency bit?” 

“No!” 

Wally huffed. “Alien planet and we can’t even get high on alien drugs. What kinda vacation is this?” 

“It’s not a vacation! We’re still on the mission!” 

“Okay, jeez.” Wally grinned. “How’m I supposed to get your deepest darkest secrets if you don’t ever let loose?” 

“Abby don’t have secrets.” 

He scoffed. “Oh, really? Then what’s goin’ on between you n’ Einstein?” 

Abby stopped. 

“You two’re gettin’ along again. When did that happen?” 

“We get along just fine and you better not go botherin’ him,” she growled. 

“Why? Afraid I’ll find out your not-secrets?” 

“Nothin’ is goin’ on, Wally,” she said. “We were just goin’ over mission stuff.” 

“Uh-huh,” he smirked. “Mission stuff.” 

She glared at him. “You’re infuriatin’.” Picking up the pace, she sped up a few feet ahead of him. 

“All that super important mission stuff.” 

“Fuck off, please.” 

Hoagie picked up the frames of a pair of glasses, squinting hard to study them. They seemed sturdy enough, although at this point he was more concerned about how long it would take them to get a prescription. He knew that an advanced alien society such as this one would possibly have the ability to give him a temporary fix. However, he wasn’t sure what that meant. These species could be evolved well beyond the need for glasses but if that were the case he wouldn’t be holding what he was holding. He looked back at the frames. He supposed he lucked out, but he was still nervous about the whole thing. 

Overhearing Kuki’s conversation with the cashier didn’t help either, as she desperately tried to pawn off their beloved Toiletnator for the third time since they left the others. 

“He speaks twelve languages!” 

“We...have universal translators,” the Alien at the counter said. 

Louis tried to interrupt. “And also I don’t—” 

“Don’t you think he’s got great hair?” 

But the Alien tilted their head. “What is a hair?” 

“Ugh!” Kuki raised her hands in the air. “This is hopeless!” She looked at Hoagie. “Haven’t you picked something yet!” 

“Well excuse me if I have a very particular face shape with very bad vision!” 

He picked up another pair, moving closer to the mirror. 

“Uh...” a voice came from behind him. “What’s your friend doing?” 

“Trying on glasses,” Kuki said. “And being really really slow at it!” She made sure he heard her berating him. 

Hoagie ignored her. 

“You guys aren’t from around here, are you?” the cashier asked. “I’ve never seen your kind before.” 

“We’re humans!” Kuki said too excitedly before clasping her own mouth. “Ooops I mean...dammit.” 

“I dunno what that is,” the Alien said. “Hey you. Dork in the pajamas.” 

Hoagie blushed. “Pajamas?” 

“Press the button on the side of the frame.” 

Hoagie felt the edge of the seemingly plastic frame, finding a small button right where the Alien said it would be. He pressed it and the lenses immediately glowed red. He flinched, startled. 

“Oh, wow! Neato!” Louis gasped. 

“Now put them on.” 

Hoagie did. At first there wasn’t much of a difference but after a few seconds, the glass brightened. Soon, he was staring through the glasses at himself in the mirror, too close for his liking, his vision the clearest it had been his entire life. 

“They adjust to your sight to give you optimal vision,” the Alien said. “Haven’t you worn glasses before?” 

Hoagie winced at his face in the mirror. He kind of missed his blurry vision, where he didn’t have to see his freckles and emerging rosacea. His eyes were a brighter blue than he remembered, though, and he was now beginning to see what Wally meant about his teeth. 

“Not only will they enhance your vision, but this model’s from the Adult company that created the E.A.R.W.O.R.M. They translate the words you see into your native tongue.” They rolled their three eyes. 

“It is an earworm!” Hoagie shouted, excitedly. “I knew it!” 

“Yeah. Basic tech.” 

He laughed awkwardly. “Y-yeah. Totally basic.” 

Kuki ran over to him. “Whoa! You look like you’re going to discover Atlantis!” she said admiring the large, round black specs. 

“They’re a little...” Hoagie pushed them up from the ridge. “Old.” 

“Ooh!” Louis brought over a pair. “Let me try!” He handed Hoagie another pair of black glasses, this time square with extremely thick frames. 

But Hoagie wasn’t impressed. “I feel like Portlandia.” 

Kuki giggled. “You look like you play vinyl records.” 

He pushed them up. 

Hoagie played with his hair, which he also hated and now did not have a hat to cover. That was the next thing on his list, if he could afford it. He took off the glasses, trying a few more on. Out of the corner of his eye, he caught a strap of leather, but he looked up not wanting to think about where that would lead. Red and square, Brown and round, wire to plastic he must have tried on at least thirty pairs. He finally settled on a classic full black frame, medium thickness. Still, his eyes moved down to the leather strapped object, which he now recognized clearly as a pair of aviator goggles. 

He shook his head. 

Nope. No. No way. Maybe a child could pull off that look, but he was eighteen! Besides, what would everyone think? 

What would Abigail think? 

He blinked. He didn’t care what she thought before. Why now? Was it because he didn’t want her to think he cared what she thought? Why should that matter? She had been weirdly on his mind since they landed. Friends, huh? He couldn’t imagine himself being friends with someone like her in the past, especially not during his early school years. Or Wally, or even Kuki. But, he supposed they were. And they were starting to be again. So they wouldn’t mind him whatever he wore, would they? 

Oh god this is getting too confusing, Hoagie. Just pick something! 

He took his frames to the front. “Uh, so,” He pulled out his backpack. “We’re not from here and I really, really, need glasses. Do you think you might be willing to trade for them? We have some interesting stuff. From planet Earth!” 

But as he showed them, they didn’t seem interested. 

“What do I look like, a historian?” they asked. 

“What about toilet paper!” Louis interjected. “I bet you don’t have any of that!” 

The Alien frowned. “We’ve evolved past the need for paper products.” 

“Aw, Twizzlers,” he muttered. 

“The only other thing I have is this shiny rock,” Kuki said bringing out a brown cloth bag. Reaching in, she pulled out a white rock the size of a quarter. 

Hoagie stood back, startled. “Kuki, where did you find that?” 

“On the Highway guy’s ship! There’s a whole bunch of them.” 

“Do you think it’s worth—” 

“Sold!” a desperate voice said. The three looked at the Alien, who appeared to be drooling at the mouth. 

“Wait. Hold on.” Hoagie took the rock. “Just how much is this thing worth?” 

The Alien sweat. “Nothing! It’s not worth anything! Gimmie it!” But Hoagie backed away. The Alien sighed. “Ugh, fine. You guys don’t know what that is either, do you?” The Earthlings shook their heads. “It’s a pure pellucoid crystal. Worth a fortune in these parts. Where the hell did you even come across one of those?” 

“I won it in paintball!” Kuki said. 

The Alien frowned. “Paintball.” 

“Uh-huh.” 

“You?” 

“Are you saying it’s worth a lot of money?” Kuki pressed her hands over her cheeks. “Hoagie! We’re rich!” 

“I’ll give you anything in the store for it!” 

“Shouldn’t we take it to a bank?” Hoagie suggested. “Or see if we can get change somewhere?” 

Kuki lifted her brow. “Change, Hoagie? Really? For a fancy space crystal?” 

“I don’t know! I don’t think we should give away our only source of income to the first person we meet!” 

But Kuki laughed. “What are you talking about? The ship’s full of them!” 

“You mean the ship Louis destroyed?” 

“YES-oh.” She quieted. 

Louis scratched his cheek. “My bad.” 

“Well I have a few more in my bag,” Kuki said looking down into the cloth bag. “At least ten!” 

Hoagie looked around the store. “We can take anything?” 

The cashier nodded frantically. “Uh-huh. Uh-huh.” 

The three looked at each other. 

“Thanks for the bike!” Hoagie called back at the cashier, whose vehicle he took in exchange for the single white crystal. It was a motorcycle powered on electricity, decorated with glowing blue neon lights. Kuki secured herself on the back and Louis tried to stand over her which made things very difficult to balance. 

Kuki let out a maniacal laugh, holding two bags in her hands. “See ya, sucker!” She howled into the street. “To the future!” 

Two hours had passed, and they were still looking at clothes. 

Kuki sighed, sinking her cheek lower into the side of the couch. All the dresses in her lap couldn’t quell the aching feeling in her heart. Hoagie, just as indecisive as ever, was trying to find an outfit to replace his jumpsuit. 

“Do you think plaid is too hipster for me?” he asked. He turned from side to side in the mirror. “I could pull it off.” 

Kuki just sighed again. 

“Hey,” he went over to her, setting down the shirt. “What’s wrong?” 

She puffed out her cheeks. “Nothing.” 

Hoagie poked her cheek, allowing the air to push out. 

She swatted him away. “I thought I would be able to find a love interest for Louis, but every time it’s ‘oh I’m seeing someone’, or ‘he smells weird’.” She sank into her seat. “I really wanted to do something nice for Abby, since she did all this stuff for us. But nothing is working! He’s totally undatable!” 

Hoagie sat across from her. “Love isn’t something you can force people into,” he said. “Trust me I have gone down that road, it never works. If Louis is gonna find someone, it’s gotta happen naturally.” 

“Can’t I force it to happen naturally?”

“Kuki...” 

She kicked her feet. “What if it doesn’t happen? We can’t take him to the G:KND with us! And if we leave him behind, he might go back to being evil. The fate of our planet rests on me finding this man a date and all he wants to do is go into bathrooms and stick his head in the toilet!” 

Hoagie looked around the store, uncomfortable. “Is that what he’s doing?”

“I don’t know,” she whined, flopping her head backwards. “It’s hopeless!” 

Hoagie exhaled. Picking up one of Kuki’s dresses, he waved it in front of her. “Wanna have a makeover montage? It’ll make you feel better.” Her ears perked. “Come on, Kuki...try me on,” he spoke to her through the clothes. “You know you want me.” 

She snatched it away from him. “Don’t make my clothes talk,” she said, still huffing as he laughed. “You’re so weird.” 

“Oh-ho,” he snarked. “I’m weird? You still talk to your dolls.” 

“Plush. Collectables,” she defended. “And they last longer if you talk to them.” 

“That’s definitely not true.” 

“Is so!” 

He pulled out another shirt from the pile, this time with a tropical pattern. “So what do you think? Too much?” 

“Oh god you do need my help,” Kuki said. She took her friend’s hand and yanked him along. “Come on.” 

“What about this one?” Wally asked. 

Abby looked up at him from her laying position as she looked at the seventh black leather jacket he tried on that day. “What’s the difference?” 

“What’s the...it’s completely different!” 

She tipped the brim of her hat over her face. “You can’t afford none of these. You know that, right?” 

“So?” 

“I thought you hated shopping.” 

“I don’t hate it,” he explained. “I hate it when my mum or Kuki takes me cause they always wanna, what’s that word, where they wanna control everything I do?”

“Mircomanage.” 

“Yeah!” He went back to the mirror. “Plus, gettin’ new stuff sure beats washin’ that old crap in the sink.” 

Abby nodded, the two of them feeling like she couldn’t wait for a real shower as opposed to the sponge baths they had been taking. Her hair was still clean, though. Wally’s hair was getting greasy, but it was always greasy anyway, so he didn’t mind. He was starting to get uneven stubble, though it was blonde and barely noticeable. 

“Kuki’s always tellin’ me to cut my hair and shave n’ stuff. It’s so annoying.” He picked up a pair of fingerless biker gloves. “Good thing they have a section for two-armed people, huh?” But as he tried on the gloves, he noticed there were only four finger holes. “Aw, man.” He brought his attention back to Abby. “Don’t you wanna try on anything else?” 

Abby held up her bag. “Abby got what Abby needed.” 

“That’s it? One bag?” 

“We’re not gonna be out out here much longer. Got a change of clothes, that’s all Abby needs and it’s all we can afford.” 

“Poor Gilligan,” Wally shook his head. “He’s probably in Hell right now.” 

“I think I just died and went to heaven,” Hoagie said, staring at himself in the mirror. “God, if there is an afterlife, please let it be this.” 

“Get it,” Kuki whispered. 

“No.” He blushed. “I couldn’t.” 

“Get it,” Kuki chanted. “Get it get it get it get it.” 

“Where would I wear it?” 

“Everywhere!” Kuki exclaimed. “Every day! Forever and always!” She clenched her fists together, sparkles in her eyes. “This is your destiny!” 

“My destiny...” He liked the sound of that. 

“Stay right there!” Kuki said as she bounded off. “I’m gonna find you the perfect shirt to go with it!” 

“Kuki hold on—” but she was gone. He checked back in with himself, the long flowing brown coat draped over his body in a perfect fit. It was just like the one he wore. The most brilliant scientist ever conceived by imagination: Dr. Timespace, his childhood hero. Traversing the space and time with his companions to solve the universes’ biggest questions, rescuing entire civilizations from war and extinction, the one and only survivor of his people. The man with no name who simply called himself—

His gaze found themselves back to his backpack. Checking the area, he noticed no one was around. He knelt down, unzipping the pack delicately, removing the object as though it were an ancient artifact. The goggles he had snuck out of the store without Kuki noticing. They were black, not like his Dad’s old grey ones, with clear glass lenses. The strap was made of something that felt like leather, although in space it was impossible to know what any of this stuff was made of. His thumb ran over the side. Destiny, he thought. He had gotten so much crap for his goggles back in school, and so did Tommy when he passed them down. Come to think of it, he couldn’t remember how he even saw out of them. His face reflected in the lenses, mirroring his anxiousness. He turned back to the large mirror, removing his glasses. Maybe if he could just try them on. 

He flushed.

This was stupid. 

But the word kept echoing in his mind, controlling his actions for him. It was as though he were in a trance. 

“What are those?” 

Hoagie ripped off the goggles and spun around, hiding them behind his back. “Nothing.” 

“Lemmie see!” Kuki dropped her hangers and ran to him, reaching over his large body in an attempt to grab the hidden object. 

“No--Kuki...C-cut it out!” he squirmed. 

“Show me!” Her voice graveled. 

Hoagie gave up, handing her the goggles. He waited, studying her face, expecting her to burst out laughing. Not that he had any credibility to lose, he noted. 

“This is...” she started, and Hoagie felt himself physically wince. “Exactly what I’ve been looking for!” 

The boy blinked twice. “Huh?” 

“I knew there was something missing, but I couldn’t figure out what it was! Of course! It’s so obvious!” She lifted them up. “They’re totally you!” 

Hoagie tried to hide his florid face. “I-I don’t know about that...” 

“Well, duh! Like we’ve been saying!” She spun him around plopping the goggles in his hands. “It’s destiny.” 

He inhaled deeply from the very bottom of his diaphragm. Lifting the goggles up to his face, the light and lens adjusted to his vision. He could see them staring back at him, the strap adjusting to his head. Advanced science, he thought, but his heart said magic. 

“Oh yeah,” Kuki said, assuredly. “That is Hoagie P. Gilligan.” 

But he didn’t agree. “It’s Number 2.” 

Kuki was confused. “Isn’t that the same thing?” 

“Not exactly,” He chortled. “You could say he and I were cut from the same cloth.” 

Kuki groaned. 

“Get it?” 

“Please, stop.” 

***

Lou, now Louis, wandered around the open area. This wasn’t like any “mall” he was used to on Earth. He couldn’t read any of the signs, so he couldn’t tell which direction he was going. In spite of his being lost, he felt strangely comfortable with this place, which made him at the same time very uncomfortable. The air was sweet smelling, if he could even call it air. The smog above him blocked the sun. Or was it a star? It was his first time this far out into space. What had originally been intended to be a day mission was turning into a whole new life experience. He was excited, but he also missed home. He had planned everything so perfectly. He would abduct Sector V, bring them back to Father, and finally get the accolades he deserved from him. This, however, did not end up being the case. 

He made sure to bring a ship with four rooms, one for each of them to stay in. He knew it wouldn’t be fair to make them all crowd together in a prison cell. He may have been evil, but he wasn’t a monster. Now realizing Father was never going to give him the validation he craved, he was starting to discover that perhaps he wasn’t supposed to be evil after all. But if he wasn’t supposed to be evil, what was he supposed to be? As much as he was growing fond of Sector V and their quirky teenage ways, he knew that hiding behind them wasn’t going to solve his problem. Numbuh 4, his arch enemy, had been nicer to him than his boss ever was. Not by much, but enough to notice. He sighed, kicking a bottle on the ground. Come to think of it, he wasn’t very passionate about hating kids anyway. Sure, he found them annoying, but he wouldn’t say he hated them. Not in the same way Father hated them. What he didn’t like was the way they would waste toilet paper, clog toilets, mess up perfectly clean bathrooms. To protect the stalls was his calling, stopping children was only part of that job.

He hugged his body, feeling naked without his armor as he walked around searching for a bathroom. Stepping around the corner, he stopped. The entryway to a store was lit up in bright neon colors. His jaw dropped as he saw a wall of white porcelain through the glass window. Wandering in, he gasped, his whole body shaking. There before him were rows and rows of the most beautiful toilets he had ever seen. They were mostly all white in the front but moved into technicolor as they moved back. It was like looking at a beautiful rainbow in the clouds. 

“Can I help you?” A kind voice asked. Louis looked to his right to see a light sandy-colored Alien smiling at him. 

“What is this place?” 

“This is the Palace of Porcelain,” the told him. “The largest collection of waste receptacles in Dystal City. We used to be the Porcelain Palace, but we lost the copyright.” Their excitement began to show as their skin, or what appeared to be skin, sparkled. “Were you interested in a toilet today?” 

“This is the most beautiful place I’ve ever seen!” Louis called into the store. His voice bounced back at him. “How is it so empty?” 

The Alien sighed. “It’s the Teenagers. They always forget to flush and end up clogging the toilets. Most of them are too drunk to make it to the bathroom so they just go in the street. I even offer my toilets for free, but they still don’t want them.” 

“That’s terrible!” Louis cried. “How could anyone choose to poo in the street when they could poo in these constructions of magic!” 

The Alien blushed. Louis thought so anyway. “I don’t know if they’re that great.” 

“Of course they are! Look at them!” He said, spinning around. “And besides! If you’re here to buy a toilet, there must be others like you! Don’t lose faith!” 

They laughed. “Thank you, but I’m not here to buy a toilet. I own this store.” 

Louis gasped. “You own...this temple?”

“I came to this planet on an organitarian mission,” they explained. “To provide free toilets to Teenagers in need and to keep our streets clean. My team and I go out every night and pick up after them, but it’s getting worse by the day. Those Teenagers just don’t know how to take care of themselves!” 

Louis’ eyes sparkled. “That’s amazing. You’re amazing.” 

“Oh, no. It’s a job.” They sighed again. “But now our in-store toilet is clogged, and no one is coming to fix it! What the Teenagers don’t know is that there are beings here taking care of their needs, but getting a good plumber is almost impossible out here! And you can’t have a toilet store with a clogged toilet.” 

“But...aren’t you a Teenager?” 

“Oh, no!” they said. “I’m part of the Adult Activist Alliance. They send agents here to help keep the Teenagers from destroying everything. It’s the only way they can maintain their lifestyle. It’s a thankless job, but someone has to do it.” 

“Well, hey! I can fix your toilet!” Louis said. 

But the Alien looked skeptical. “It isn’t a typical clog, friend. This is...a monster clog.” 

Louis gasped. “I’ve always wanted to unclog a monster clog.” 

“Then let’s go!” The Alien nodded and began to lead him to the bathroom. “You know, I’ve never met a Teenager who cared so much about Toilets.” 

“Can I tell you something?” He leaned in to whisper. “I’m not actually a Teenager either. I snuck in here with my new Teenager friends. I’m an Adult from Planet Earth.” 

The Alien gasped. “The planet Earth? The one the Galactic Kids Next Door quarantined?” 

“Yes!” Louis gasped. “How did you know?” 

“Are you kidding? It’s one of the only planets in the Universe where Adults rule over kids! It’s been an obsession of the AAA since, like, forever!” They ran up to him, unable to contain their excitement. “Is it true that on Earth children actually grow up to be Adults?” 

“Uh...” Louis was confused. “Well, sure it is. Does that not happen here?” 

They shook their head. “The Children out here remain children forever. Teenagers and Adults, same thing. I’ve never met a real Human before. You’ve experienced everything from childhood to adulthood. I have so many questions! What is childhood like? Is it true you can’t see certain colors when you’re a baby? How does your economy work?” Suddenly, they backed up. “Sorry. I’ve just...always wanted to meet a Human.” 

They kept walking until they reached the bathroom, opening the door to reveal a clogged toilet which was, indeed, disgusting. 

Louis was florid. “Well, I am not just any human!” he shouted, putting his hand to his chest proudly. “I am the sacred protector of plumbing, the master of the pot, a knight of the round bowl, but back home they call me...the Toiletnator!” 

The Alien looked at him, dumbfounded. 

“Check this out!” He squeezed his butt cheeks together, making a face as though he were about to poop. But instead of excrement coming out of his body, the toilet itself began to rumble and shake. The Alien backed up, terrified but Louis continued to do his thing. Suddenly, the water began to go down, the toilet flushing to its normal capacity. 

“You’re a superhero!” the Alien said, rushing to the toilet to inspect his work. “You must be!” 

Louis blushed harder. “Well, I don’t know if I’m a hero...” 

“Oh you must be!” They danced back to him. “I had no idea I was in the presence of someone of such importance! Please forgive me!” 

“Me?” Louis titled his head before laughing. “I mean yes! I am the protector of the toilets! Gifted with the sacred power to keep the planet clean and hygienic!” 

“Oh yes! A happy life always begins with a happy heinie!” 

Louis mantled. “I’m Louis.” 

“Mae.” 

TRANSMISSION INTERRUPTED....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Listen to "The Poop Song" here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_7wbRbhF2RA


	9. GUIDE (PART TWO)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In a stroke of luck, the Teens enjoy their fortune and party like the world is ending. 
> 
> Which, it is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CONTENT WARNING: Underage Drinking.

Now loading...

Code: [RESTRICTED]

Operation: G.U.I.D.E. (Part Two)

Go  
Uncover   
Incredible  
Daring   
Experiences

Written by OfficiallyWrong with properties owned by Tom Warburton  
And Cartoon Network

RESUMING TRANSMISSION...

Episode 15

Abby turned over, feeling the brim of her hat on her chin. Muffled voices surrounded her. One of those voices was saying her name. She didn’t want to get up. When was the last time she actually slept? Perhaps if she lay there quietly, all of her troubles would just pass her by. Nigel, the planet, her failures...

“Wally don’t—” 

“I’m just gonna see if she’s really asleep.” 

“If she’s asleep, just let her rest. She needs it.” 

“We can’t leave her here.” 

Abby groaned in her head. It was clearly too late to rest. 

She opened her eyes, visioning the red cloth that masked her. She tipped the hat up, a stream of light shining into her face. It was an artificial light. Annoyed, she slammed it back down. 

“Abby?” 

She grumbled. 

She blinked the glare away as the fuzzy image came into view, as though her mind was a camera lens moving into a rack focus. A boy looked down at her, grinning. She couldn’t see his eyes. A wash of light was covering them. 

“You know, I’m surprised you sleep so well in the dark like this,” the voice said. “I always thought you were a light sleeper—” 

Abby’s hand reached over and grabbed his mouth. “Numbuh 2, I swear if you don’t shut up right now I’ll knock you out so hard you’ll need smellin’ salts to wake you up.” Squeezing his cheeks together, she sat up glaring at him. Her eyes were still glazed over. 

“Whadduya know?” He muffled through her hand. “It worked.” 

Abby blinked herself awake as the image sharpened. She quickly removed her hand from his face. “Oops.”

He wasn’t listening. “Sorry to wake you, Abigail. But we sort of have a situation and we didn’t wanna leave you in the store.” 

But Abby just kept staring at him. She blinked and rubbed her eyes, but her mind wasn’t playing a trick on her. “Goggles,” she finally said. 

Hoagie tilted his head. 

“You got goggles.” 

“Y-yeah. You know...for the bike.” 

“Oh. Sure. Right. For the bike.” It took a while to register. “The bike?!” 

“Abby look!” Kuki ran up to her, handing the bag of crystals over. “We’re rich! We can buy anything we need!” 

Abby studied the girl, who was wearing a short dress with many fake buttons. It was white with green straps and accents, including a belt that snapped around the front. Her shoes were knee-high white boots with similar green strips on the sides. Over her eyes she wore a pair of green glassed specs with no frames. Her hair was down, clean, and fell over her shoulders elegantly. She was also wearing fresh makeup that sparkled under the neon lights. 

All she could think to say was: “You look cute.” But that was enough to make Kuki blush. 

Abby peered over to where the bike was, an excited Wally was playing on it sporting one of the more rugged black leather jackets he was trying on earlier. A frayed brownish orange scarf sat around his neck. Black boots. His pants were a worn black material and his hair was washed, thrown back and lightly spiked. He had glasses too, clipped onto his jacket, but they were black aviator sunglasses, so he had very little use for them in the city. It was a good look for him. She looked down at her own body, feeling contented with the clothes she changed into earlier. Next to her in a bag was the jacket she selected for herself. It was red and puffy, with a ribbed cloth collar. She felt the urge to put it on. Wally told Hoagie that it was his turn to take the bike out and of course the nerd agreed. 

Hoagie, sitting on the bench next to Abby now, reached into a bag and brought out a pair of red-rimmed round glasses. He handed them to her. “The crystals are worth a lot here. Kuki managed to salvage a few from the ship before it flooded. So, I guess you can get whatever you want within reason.” He smiled. “Those glasses can translate Alien writing. I figured they’d be useful.” 

Abby clutched the small pair of round sunglasses clipped onto her shirt. 

“I can keep them for you,” he held out his hand. “And you can use them only when you need them. So you can keep those.” 

“You’re gonna give me cavities,” she said under her breath as she stood up and walked away from him. 

There was something odd happening. She swore she thought that line in her head, but it slipped out somehow. Her guard was down. This wasn’t good. 

Wally and Kuki were together now, gazing into each other’s eyes, laughing. She watched them for a while, their public display of affection truly something to see to be believed. Aside from her parents, she hadn’t seen too many examples of simple, healthy relationships. Simple, here, was the operative word. She had watched Wally and Kuki’s friendship turn to love, that love turn to loss, and then by some miracle turn back into love. Objectively, she had no reason to desire a relationship of her own, no reason for jealousy. But perhaps carelessness itself was what she coveted. They were so different than she was, so free. Despite everything that had happened, they never lost their glow. Actually, it seemed to burn brighter out here. 

The air was still sweet, she noted as she inhaled. It made her want to fall backwards into the street and hope someone would catch her. Abby’s eyes blasted wide open. Her throat was closing. What a weird thought. Wally and Kuki were now smashed together in their own little world. How nice, she thought. Knowing that no matter what they could fall back into each other. To announce themselves to the world and shamelessly unravel. She envied them. 

“Does it smell to you?” she heard someone else say. 

Abby sighed. 

And then there was him. 

The boy was scratching his head, messing the hair beneath the hat he had just purchased. The hat was a brown pageboy cap with patchwork on one side, which allowed the boy’s bangs to stick out from under the brim. A long brown open coat that draped to the floor, and beneath a light blue collared shirt tucked in brown pants. Long-sleeved, most likely. A belt, no doubt, with a thin tie around the shirt’s lapel. Brown practical shoes, the only thing about the outfit that was practical. And goggles. 

“At first I thought it was a restaurant or incense shop, but I swear it’s everywhere,” he was still talking. As though nothing were amiss. As though all of this was normal. 

Abby pressed Nigel’s plastic sunglasses to her chest. 

How could something so familiar feel so uncomfortable? She was looking at Wally and Kuki, and in her mind, Hoagie was there too. Only he wasn’t like them. He wasn’t like her either. She didn’t know who he was like. 

His ears still stuck out. His eyes were still blue. His teeth were still white. He still wore hats. He still wore blue, only now he wore long sleeves. 

She felt immobilized. Like an imposter. She stepped through a portal into another dimension, one where her truest desires were almost realized. Maybe it was all a mistake. 

“Abigail, did you hear me?” 

Goggles. She couldn’t believe it. 

“Abigail?”

Kuki wore green. Wally wore orange. Hoagie chose goggles. 

“Abby?”

She felt odd, like the air itself was at ease. When Nigel left, that was when everything collapsed. She wasn’t allowed to feel this way. Not while he was still gone. Not yet. Not with everything still so incomplete. It was a mistake. A huge mistake. Thinking she could just waltz right back into this feeling. Even after everything Nigel did, he was still their leader and here she was carrying on like it was okay he was gone. She should’ve stayed home. She should’ve done what Maurice said. She was getting too close, and for once she understood how dangerous it actually was. It wasn’t right. She wasn’t allowed to feel this way. She wasn’t allowed to fall backwards. 

A hand gently touched her arm, as though it were a ghost in a light breeze. “Abby.” 

She turned, looking the bearer of her arm in the eye. 

It overwhelmed her then. The smell. The feeling. 

Home. 

“Did you...hear what I said?” 

“You lost the Toiletnator?!” 

Abby had finally gotten out of her own head. Everyone was relieved. 

Kuki flinched. “Um. I wouldn’t say lost.” 

Wally grinned. “Boy, now you’ve done it.” 

“He’s around here somewhere. He wouldn’t’ve wandered off too far,” Hoagie explained.

Abby had already taken off. Wally insisted he get the bike and Kuki ran to catch up with Abby. 

“I hope Abigail is okay. She seems a little off.” 

“She’s fine. We’re in a weird unknown place.” 

“I guess so.” 

But they both knew that wasn’t really what was going on at all. 

Wally finally said. “Why Abigail?” He got on the bike, but Hoagie didn’t understand what he was talking about. “She’s saved your life a bumillion times by this point, but you still call her Abigail.” 

“I like Abigail,” his friend replied simply. “The name. I like saying it.” 

“Bit proper to call someone by their full name though.” 

“Maybe,” Hoagie said. “No one ever calls me by my full name. It’d be weird.” 

“Same. They don’t exactly print Wallabee on gas station keychains. Not in the States, anyway.” He popped his collar. 

“Don’t see much Hogarth either.” 

“Ho-garth?” Wally mused. 

“Hogarth Pennywhistle Gilligan Jr.” 

Wally laughed. “Your parents must’ve hated you.” 

Hoagie just smirked. “It’s my dad’s name, Asshole.” Wally shrunk nervously. “It’s cool. He didn’t like it either.” 

“Must’ve been confusing. Two buns in the same kitchen.” 

“Nah, he went by Penny.” 

“Penny for a man?” 

“Pen for short.” 

“Your family is odd, Gilligan.” 

“You don’t know the half of it,” he said. 

It didn’t take them long to find Louis. The giant hall of toilets tipped them off right away. Abby was, however, astonished to find that he wasn’t in fact getting himself into trouble or secretly communicating with Father to reveal their whereabouts. Instead, he was gazing into the third eye of a very attractive, if not somewhat ditsy Alien. 

“So, you see,” he managed to tell her. “I’m gonna stay here for a while. With Mae.” 

“Uh...” 

“I know, I know. You’re heartbroken to see me go,” he stood proudly. “But not to worry, Numbuh 5 of the Kids Next Door—”

“Teens Next Door.” 

“I will no longer be a burden to you or your friends. From now on, I want to help kids and teenagers clean up their sticky messes. I will stay here and help clean up the streets of Dystal City! For justice! Finally, with someone who appreciates all that I do. I’ve discovered my life purpose!”

Wally and Hoagie arrived shortly after. Wally was uncomfortably greeted with a warm bear hug. 

“I’ll miss you the most arch nemesis!”

Everyone could tell he would rather die than say anything back. 

And just like that, Abby no longer had any immediate problems to solve. 

No pressures to uphold. 

And until the S.L.I.N.G.S.H.O.T. was fixed, she had no mission to complete. 

For the first time in a very long time, her schedule was completely free. The Toiletnator left with his new love interest and Abby congratulated Kuki on a job well done, saying that she didn’t actually think that would work. Kuki agreed that she did do a fantastic job, although secretly she knew that she had nothing to do with it. 

“So...what now?” Hoagie asked. 

“Let’s Party!” Kuki announced. She grabbed Wally and pulled him away from the store. “Party till we’re blue in the face!” 

“I’m already blue in the balls,” Wally said. 

Kuki blushed. “Well, we’ll have to fix that too, won’t we?” 

“Not here, you won’t,” Abby stated. 

There was definitely something strange going on. Even the Toiletnator was hooking up. But, Abby decided not to think about it too much. They were done with their gathering of supplies, extra weapons, food, clothes, way more than they needed. A break was a good idea. 

She was not, however, looking forward to what Kuki had planned for them. 

Location: HubClub in Dystal City

There was an ethereal halo of light around the club, the floor coated in a thick fog that cooled the legs when they stepped through it. Bright neon pinks and yellows, orange and blues, sparkled on the Alien backs as they moved to music that to most people on Earth would assume impossible to dance to. Kuki lead the way into the bar with the confidence of a bride at her bachelorette party. The air seemed thicker there, the closeness of the bodies creating pockets of heat. It was no wonder the floor needed to be cooled. 

It was here Abby finally inquired about the smell, and a local explained that people around those parts tended to suffer from extreme anxiety and depressive episodes. So, to counteract these chemical imbalances, they pumped serotonin and dopamine into the air...among other things. Natural aphrodisiac, they said, clearly hitting on her. Though, it lost its impact once she realized that everyone was constantly hitting on everyone else in this place. This did, however, explain her sudden inability to control her repressed impulses. Now that she was aware of it, surely, she’d be able to keep everyone under control. It also explained why the Aliens were open to Hoagie’s very offbeat and ill-timed flirtation tactics, and why he himself would morph into his Casanova persona whenever one remotely looked at him, only to question what he was doing a few moments later. Abby figured it would be a good idea to keep her eye on him just in case. She had many memories of him getting himself into trouble with women as a kid. Not because he was malicious, but rather because he was very stupid. A genius, but stupid, which was often how those things worked. Simultaneously, Wally and Kuki were affected by the chemicals, but they only had eyes for each other and therefore would run off at random times to have quick encounters in the bathroom stalls. 

Kuki sauntered to the bar, leaning her arm on the table. 

“Your finest illegal substances, my friend!” she placed the crystal down in front of the Alien bartender, who was listening to and serving eight other beings. 

The whole of the bar stopped to case at the glowing rock, all of them knowing what it was. 

“Kuki, don’t just wave that thing around...” Abby whispered. “We don’t wanna draw any unnecessary—” 

“DRINKS ON US!” She shouted as the bar cheered. 

Abby’s voice flattened. “Attention.” 

“Let’s partay!” Kuki cheered, and the rest of the Aliens cheered with her. Her dress glowed green and whitish-blue under the blacklight. 

The bartender took the rock, smashing it with a giant hammer-type thing, and proceeded to insert what seemed to be, and hopefully was, a nostril into the residual powder, sucking it in with great force. The others stood there in awe. 

“Drug currency!” Wally announced. “My kinda place!” 

The others did not make a comment. 

They all sat next to each other at the bar, which was covered in a thick layer of glowing blue ice. Wally got something on tap. Kuki went straight for the shots. Hoagie wasn’t sure what to do so he just let the bartender pick. Finally, the bartender came to Abby. 

“What’ll it be?” they asked. 

“I don’t drink,” she said. 

“Oh come on, Abby,” Wally shook her arm. “You’re off the clock. Have a little fun.” 

But Abby kept her straight face. “Abby don’t drink, on or off the clock.” 

Wally shrugged. “Whatever.” 

“Don’t think I’ve ever met a Teen that didn’t drink before,” the bartender said. “You sure you’re one of us?” 

She smirked. “Sometimes I ain’t so sure.” 

They winked with one of their many eyes. “You change your mind, you let me know.” 

She nodded, swiveling her chair around to see Hoagie, who wasn’t paying attention to her at all. He was sitting, arms folded over the table right on the ice, staring into his glass. His chin rested on his arms. Abby couldn’t see his face. Was he checking out again? 

She leaned over. “Hey. You okay?” 

“Abby, come here,” he said. She leaned in closer. “Look.” He pushed the glass forward as she stared into it. It had a halo of blue from the table, but the liquid was dark and sparkled like the night sky. He grabbed the glass’ edge, swirling it around. “Centripetal force.” She noticed there was a round object in the center, something like an ice cube. But the way it was positioned, it looked like a star. “Just kidding. It’s mostly an optical illusion.” 

“Do you ever come out of your head and play in the real world?” she asked, teasingly. 

Hoagie grinned, his teeth flashing against the dark backdrop. “One foot in and one foot out,” he stated. He picked up the glass and drank from it. “Once you’ve had a sip of the Universe, everything in our reality feels small.” 

“I’d think it’d be the opposite,” Abby told him. “Once you know how big the Universe is, the small things feel more like miracles.” 

“That sounds like a coping mechanism.” 

“What do you miss most about your dad?” she asked in rebuttal. 

Hoagie sat upright. “The smell of his shoes,” he said. “They were always sweaty and stank up the house.” He let the memory hang for a while, almost as though he was smelling them. “What do you miss the most about Nigel?” 

“His terrible singing,” she said. “See? The more insignificant the thing, the more important it is when it’s gone.” 

“What, like rainbow monkeys?” 

“Or Yipper cards.” 

“Toys at the bottom of cereal boxes.” 

“Skinnin’ knees on the playground.” 

“Tall tales.” 

“Bad puns,” she whispered. 

Hoagie felt his blush reach all the way to his ears. 

“Infinite universes of insignificance,” she concluded. 

Hoagie was about to respond when the bartender placed a glass of a clear purple liquid in front of Abby. “From a special admirer,” they said. 

Abby pushed it away. “Abby don’t drink,” she said again. “Tell them sorry, but thanks for the offer.” She turned the other direction to see Wally and Kuki, very much wrapped up in each other. The hormones in the air really got to them, she supposed. 

“Better be careful, Abigail,” Hoagie grinned, spinning his seat around so he could lean his elbows behind him. “Can’t have our Captain getting seduced, now can we?” 

“I think all those vegetables are finally gettin’ to yo’ system,” she smirked. “Or maybe you’re just naturally green.” 

“Pft,” he rolled his eyes. “Not even. I’m just saying hormones can be dangerous. And they pump that shit into the air here.” 

“I got self-control,” she said. “Somethin’ you could use a bit more of.” 

“Oh-ho, cold.” He raised his brows. “But not untrue.” 

“Wow. Not even a denial.” 

“It’s a work in progress.” 

She rested her cheek on her palm. “Good. I like a team with personal goals.” 

“I like a woman with self-control.” He sat back and swallowed, as though he were trying to gulp his own words. “Uh...I mean...shit. I did it again.” 

But Abby just raised her brow. “You bite your tongue?” 

“No. I...” He smashed his hand over his face. “I was never taught how to talk to girls. My dad never taught me, and my mom and grandma were really...unhelpful. I watched a bunch of old movies to try to learn how, but they did not age well let me tell you.” 

“What’s your point?” 

He peeked through his hand. “I’m not very good at it. I always say or do something stupid. So, you should probably just ignore everything I say from now on.” 

“What do you mean? You talk to girls all the time. You talk to Kuki.” 

“Well, yeah but I’m not attracted to Ku—” He shut his lip and grabbed his drink off the table, holding it with both hands. He cleared his throat. “Never mind.” 

Abby failed to hide her grin. “What was that?” 

“I think I bit my tongue,” he muttered. 

“Right. Must be the hormones,” she said. 

“Yeah! Exactly! The Hormones...” Hoagie recoiled in slight relief. “And you know, the situation. The fear, the anxiety, adrenaline...contributes.” 

“Savin’ the world is a stressful job,” she said in a cool tone. “Creates a lot of excess energy.” 

“Yeah, totally, yeah...” He fiddled with his drink for a while. “You are, though,” he said after a bit. “Attractive.” 

“Mmm,” she didn’t give a clear reaction. “Subjectively?” 

Hoagie chortled. “Subjectively.” 

The bartender sat another drink in front of Abby, who handed it right back to him. 

“Not interested,” she said. 

“See? I’m not the only one who thinks so.” 

“Alright everyone we’re getting ready for our open mic night so if you have a talent, now’s your time to come up and show it off! Sign up begins now so let’s get started!” 

“An open mic!” Kuki gasped as she broke away from her boyfriend. “Can we do it, Wally? Oh, please! Please! Please!” 

Wally’s face grew red as he tried to settle her excitement. 

“Abby?” Kuki asked her friend. 

“I don’t care,” she replied genuinely. “Go for it.” 

Kuki grinned at Wally whose eyes were filling with anticipation. 

“Alright! Let’s show these Aliens how we rock Earth style!” He shouted, taking his girl by the hand and leading her through the crowd to the stage. 

“What do you think they’re gonna do?” Hoagie asked. 

“I dunno but if she starts singin’ the Rainbow Monkey theme song Numbuh 5 is outta here,” Abby retorted. 

It was Kuki and Wally’s time to perform, something that was in both of their blood. Kuki never felt more alive than she did when she was on stage. And now, she had the chance to shine for a whole new crowd of people. She could hardly contain the excitement. 

“Hello Dystal City!” Kuki called out to the crowd. “We’re a rare Alien species and we’re gonna play for you tonight!” 

“Is that our band name?” Wally asked, fiddling with the string instrument that looked like a guitar. 

“What’s wrong with it?” 

“It’s a bit obvious.” 

“Well what do you wanna be called then?” 

“I dunno, I’m trying to figure this thing out first.” 

“Are you sure you can play that?” 

He smirked. “If it’s got strings I can play it,” he said. He didn’t have to tune it very much before giving her a thumbs up. He started with a familiar riff to test the acoustics. “What’ll it be, chica?” 

Kuki blushed. “You know my favorite.” 

“You got it, Babe.” He turned to the band. “Follow my lead and tryn’ keep up.” He played the first few measures alone as the crowd quieted. The band members nodded to each other. This could be a disaster, but it was worth a try. 

The click of drumsticks was heard four times before the band started to play, a soft guitar melody came from their instruments, sounding exactly like the recording she had listened to so many times before. One of the band members handed her a microphone. She ran to the front of the stage and waved at the audience, feeling more at home there than she had in a long time. 

“Kawari yuku nichinou ni  
Nomi komareta mama   
Ren’ai nanate   
Shinai omotteta”

In the audience, Hoagie’s jaw dropped. “That’s...” 

“Well, damn.” Abby finished. 

“Hito wo suki ni naru no wa  
Rikutsu janai mitai   
Watashi koi wo shita yo!” 

Kuki winked at the audience, just as she had seen her favorite idols do on television. They cheered ecstatically. 

“Mou ichido   
Ugokidasu  
Awaku itoshi hibi...

Nido nai shunkan to   
Kanshouku wa  
Kiete ita keredo   
Kokoro ni nada nokoru   
Junsui to  
Hajimete koi o shita kioku!” 

She gestured to her boyfriend who stepped forward into the light, showing off his elegant instrumental riffs. It was like something out of a movie, a musical interlude beautifully fit into their everyday lives. 

Abby watched from the bar, her eyes glazed over. “I dunno what I’m gonna do,” she said almost in a trance. “When I see him.” 

Hoagie folded his hands around his drink. “If he’s still the person you remember, whatever it is will be enough.” He peeked over at her through his periphery and her eyes were also pulled to his. Even through the lights on the glass, she could still see them. 

“Nido nai shunkan to   
Kanshouku wa  
Kiete ita keredo   
Kokoro ni nada nokoru   
Junsui to  
Hajimete koi o shita kioku!” 

The song ended as Kuki waved to her fans and Wally finished with a final wail of the instrument. Hoagie and Abby broke each other’s gaze to cheer for them. 

As it turned out, music was one thing that couldn’t be translated directly through the E.A.R.W.O.R.M., so the band used special equipment that cut out the frequencies of the translators in order for performers to sing in their native tongue. Although Kuki spoke mostly English, only using Japanese at home with her own family and with close family friends, all of her favorite songs were in Japanese or Korean. And Wally knew every one of them by heart. 

She pecked him on the cheek at the end of the song, which got the crowd going even more. 

“Give it up for A Rare Alien Species!” the lead band member said. 

“Still a lame band name,” Wally whispered, seductively. 

“You’re a lame band name,” Kuki teased back. 

“That’s it for us! Now everybody get pissed!” He shouted into the audience, strumming the instrument once more before running off with his girl into the sea of bodies. 

The three teenagers continued to drink and talk, Abby not drinking and doing most of the listening. Wally was sloshing around on the table. Drinks were exchanged throughout the night amongst patrons, with Abby continuing to get offers that she of course rejected. 

“Didn’t you wanna coffee or somethin’?” Wally slurred. “Hey waiter, cn’ I get a coffee drink?” 

“Okay, again, Abby don’t drink. And Abby hates coffee.” 

“Thn why’dya say that you wanted an niced coffee then?” 

“To pass the test, dummy.” 

“Ur a dummy,” he retorted. “I love this song! Kuki let’s dance—” 

“How do you even know what this song is?” Abby asked. 

“I don’t buttits nice.” He grinned. “Heh. Butt tits.” 

“Is it even a song?” Hoagie asked. “It just sounds like groaning.” 

Kuki slugged back another shot, winning yet another drinking game round with the locals. “Smashed it!” 

“My girlfriend’s part fish,” Wally explained. “Real mermaid that one. Real sexy mermaid.” 

Abby kicked him slightly. “Yeah, yeah, go dance off some of that yellow stuff, Mister.” 

The bartender was about to set a drink in front of her, but she glared at them until they backed away. Wally and Kuki wandered off into the mob of dancers, probably not to be seen again for quite some time. Abby was okay with that. She had gotten used to their gross couple behavior during her last few months of childhood. Besides, this always happened at parties, even when Nigel was around. He had Lizzie back then, which she knew wasn’t a great fit for him but at the end of the day she could see why he liked her. Sometimes just being liked by someone was enough to get you to like them back for a little while. Nothing wrong with that. He always went off with her when he wasn’t working, Wally and Kuki did their thing. In the end, Abby almost always stuck with--

“Abigail.” Hoagie slammed his hands on the counter. “We need food.” 

Yep, she thought. Now it was officially a party. 

It had taken years for Kuki to get her boyfriend to dance in public. It was much easier than getting him to sing showtunes, but still a task. When he was drunk, he asked her all the time. Quick little dances where he could bang his head and rock out. Slow dancing took a lot longer, but finally on her sixteenth birthday he faced his fear and offered one up. Secretly, he liked them. Secretly, he liked a lot of things that he said he didn’t like. He always talked during the dances, though, which made it a little less romantic. Usually it was about nonsense, just whatever was on his mind. Never about her. This was fine, because he was probably distracting himself from the fear of screwing up, Kuki figured. That or he knew she already knew how he felt. It wasn’t like...a secret or anything. They were well-past the awkward phase. 

So, what he said this time shocked her. 

“Let’s get married.” 

Kuki slowed herself down, trying to hold him up in case he passed out. 

“Tonight,” he said. “Fuck it let’s do it tonight.” 

“I thought you wanted to wait until after high school.” 

“Pfft,” he spit. “World might end before that.” 

“The world’s not gonna end, Wally. Abby’s going to make sure of that.” 

“Look, the way I see it, we got two options,” he said, hardly able to hold up his head. “Either we get married...or...we die.” 

Kuki giggled. “Those are the only options?” 

“We could’a died, you know? Out here. Almost did a couple times,” he looked around. “This place is brilliant. Everyone’s either too pissed or busy fucking each other to care about anything. We should move here.” 

“Wally, you’re drunk.” 

“I love you,” he said directly. “That’s all I know. I don’t wanna die without marryin’ you. You’re like the whole universe really. You are.” 

She flushed. “Wally, stop.”

“We get married or we die. That’s it. There’s nothin’ else. And we’re gonna die anyway, so we may as well get married.” 

“You’re not making any sense.” 

“I want to marry you...” he whispered. His voice cracked. “And I don’t wanna die.” 

Kuki looked around, realizing what was happening. “You won’t make it through the vows. You’re wrecked,” she appeased him as best she could.

“Fair. That’s...yeah...that’s fair,” he agreed. “Forget I said anything. Let’s get smashed and kill our brains! Party till the end of the world!” 

“I think we’re already there.” 

“It’s the end of the world as we know it...and I feel fine...” he sang to himself as he fell over. 

Shit, Kuki thought to herself. 

“Best thing you ever ate.” 

Abby licked her fingers. “Delightful Children’s Birthday cake, the fourth flavor, and...oh. Hot chocolate with mars mellows.”

“What’s the fourth flavor?” 

“The original four flavors of ice cream. Vanilla, Chocolate, Strawberry, and the Fourth Flavor.” 

“What is the fourth flavor?” 

“The fourth flavor. It ain’t a flavor. It’s the flavor. The Fourth one.” 

“Right. Why would it have a name? That would be practical.” 

“You go.” 

Hoagie stuffed some neon Alien food into his mouth. “This here is pretty fantastic, not gonna lie. But then again, I haven’t had a real meal in five days so...” He swallowed. “Best thing I ever ate? Okay so there was this chili dog cart when I was a kid that I loved.”

Abby smiled. “I remember.” 

“Did you try it?!” 

“Not really Abby’s thing.” 

“Beef, Pork, real cheddar cheese. Oh, man. They were awesome. That and...” he paused. “Okay so this is gonna sound weird.” 

“Is it that thing you make with cheese puffs and orange soda?” 

“No, but it’s creepy that you know about that.” He finished off his drink. “Cranberry sauce.” 

“Cranberry sauce.” 

“I’ve got a bit of a sauce addiction. Alfredo sauce. Chocolate sauce. Barbecue sauce, oh man. Good barbeque sauce. But my mom makes cranberry sauce every year for Thanksgiving and I go nuts over it. Real berries, cane sugar, tart and sweet all at the same time. I put it on everything. And I mean everything.” He popped another appetizer into his mouth. “Okay, worst thing you ever ate.” 

“Platypus stuffing,” she said. “And liver. Any kinda liver.” Her body shuddered at the thought of Grandma Stuffum’s copious dinner monstrosities. They were too numerous to mention. 

“Ehh.” He winced. “That’s seriously gross. I was just gonna say—” 

“Rhubarb pie,” Abby said without thinking. 

Hoagie froze. “Okay you gotta stop doing that.” The bartender brought him another drink. 

“My turn,” she started again. “One thing you’ve always wanted to do but never could.” 

“Win the science fair,” he jeered. 

She rolled her eyes. “I’m serious.”

“So am I.” 

“That one doesn’t count.” 

“Win Tubathon,” he said. 

Abby brushed her hair back. “Really? Still?” 

He shrank a bit into himself. “Yeah...it’s a bit of a...let’s just say it’s a sore spot for me.” He gulped down more of his drink, preparing. “There was one year, I was...eleven...I think. Literally everyone won except for me. Actually, you were probably there.” 

“Yep.” 

“Did you race?” 

“Hmhm.” 

His face twisted. “Did you win?”

“I did.” 

“Congrats.” He shook his head. “Even Tommy beat me. Never let me live it down either. Dad said he won every year. I wanted to win for him. But turns out he lied about that. He lied about a lot of stuff...” He looked down at his hands. “It was embarrassing. My tube broke, and I never raced again. I don’t think.” He kicked his feet. “It’s fuzzy. I can’t ever remember much from that time. I’m not exactly thrilled about the idea of getting my childhood memories back, but I would at least like to know what happened then.” 

“Want me to tell you?” 

“Is it gonna be something weird?” 

“Not unless you think Father tryin’a bake all the contestants into a giant birthday cake for his Children is weird.” 

“...If I wasn’t in space right now drinking space booze in a club full of horny aliens I would swear you make all this up.” 

She watched the Aliens pass around their drinks, the noise blaring around her. “You saved them, you know. Every kid that won that year, they did cause’a you. None of them would be here at all if it wasn’t for that flabby tube’a yours.” 

Hoagie just stared at her. 

“I know I wouldn’t be...” Her hand reached down to her neck. “Y’know...as dangerous as the KND was, it wasn’t too often that our actual lives were in danger. Our freedom, sure. And sometimes things more precious than our lives. But there were a few times we could’a died. Fo’real.” She exhaled. “I never even thanked you. No one did. We were just happy to win.” 

Hoagie shrugged it off, but inside he was glowing pridefully. “That was the job, right?”

“I guess. Well, thanks anyway.” 

“Good enough jus’ to know I’m not that incompetent,” he admitted. His voice was beginning to slur now. “How’bout you? What’s your thing?” 

Abby smiled. “This.” 

Hoagie stopped. He had no response to that. She didn’t expect him to. They sat for a while in the silence. 

“Okay, favorite--” 

“Hoagie.” 

“Y-yeah?” 

“Yo’ tie is crooked,” she said, standing to her feet. She leaned over to adjust it. Hoagie stiffened at her sudden forwardness. “You know,” she said. “Nigel’s terrified of ties.” 

“Is he?” 

“Thinks they constrict people into corporate zombies or somethin’ like that.” She pulled the knot up, tugging on the tongue slightly. “They’ll strangle the life out of you, if you’re not careful.” 

“He shouldn’t give them that kinda power.” 

She smirked. “You don’t believe in evil tie snakes?” 

“I believe in everything now.” 

Abby let out a genuine laugh. She felt intoxicated, although she couldn’t possibly have been. It was as though every inch of her body wanted to make horrible mistakes, and it took every ounce of her will power to keep herself in line. “Today threw me off,” she spoke just loud enough that he could hear. “It’s all a little too familiar. Almost like things used to be...almost.” 

He looked up at her, his head heavy. “Abby. You know even if we could get our memories back,” he said. “Things aren’t going to be like they used to be.” 

Her fingers traced on the counter. “I know that.” Her body was moving forward, closer to him. “And I’m okay with it.” 

He paused to read her. “You are?” 

She nodded. “Mm-hm.” 

He nodded back in understanding. “I think I’m drunk now,” he spoke breathily. 

Her lips turned up more, her brows lifting. “Want me to take you home?” 

“Home? We’re like...twenty bumillion miles from home.”

She gave him a knowing look. 

“Oh.” He tilted his head far to the side. “Okay. Something’s wrong with you.” 

“Wrong with me?” 

“Must be something in the air,” he said. 

She pulled down his hat. “Very funny.” 

He flashed her a toothy grin. “I am very funny.” 

She sighed, listening to the music thudding around her. “We probably should go back.” 

“Probably,” he said. 

“Shouldn’t dance or nothin’.” 

“Bad choice.” 

“Mmm. Bad choice.” 

Her fingers drummed on the counter. 

“But...I’ve been makin’ nothin’ but bad choices. Why break the streak?” 

“Uh, guys...” Kuki waddled over, dragging Wally by the arms, looking as though she were about to drop him. “A little help?” 

“I got it, Kuki!” Abby said, going to her and taking one of Wally’s arms and helping him to the bar, where he collapsed face-down, his skin flushed from ear to ear. “Jeez how much did he have?” 

“Two is his limit,” Kuki explained. “After that he just falls asleep. See?” She poked his cheek. “Wally?” 

“I like coconanas...” he slurred back. 

“Oh boy,” Abby peered over his head. 

Kuki sat down, her own cheeks flushed from the dancing among other things. “Boy living like you’re dying sure takes a lot out of you, huh?” 

“I’ll say,” Hoagie replied, rolling his shoulder back. “Can you believe these Aliens live like this every day?” 

But Abby’s attention was still on Wally. “He gonna be okay?” 

“Oh, yeah. He does this all the time,” Kuki assured her, but her voice was less perky than usual. She yawned, stretching upwards. She looked at the counter. “So, you finally got her to party, eh Hoagie?” 

“Eh?” He looked at her innocently. 

Abby turned to see a small martini-like glass with glowing purple liquid next to her. “For the love of...” She pushed herself up across the table. “What part of I don’t drink are you misunderstandin’?!” 

“Tsk, tsk,” a voice came from behind. “That’s no way to accept ein gift, is it?” 

Abby’s entire body grew stiff as a board. 

“Und here I vent through all zis trouble to get your attention.” 

She put on a brave face and turned to meet the eyes of her ‘admirer’. She, yes, she, was a human. Blue sparkling eyes, platinum blonde hair braided into a bun and pink blushed cheeks. Her lips smacked on a purple lollipop, not that Abby ever saw her without some kind of candy in her mouth. 

“Henrietta?” Abby crossed her arms. 

The girl beamed. “All these years you’re still dry as ein bone.” She winked, her lids glittered. “Zat’s mein Abigail, for you.” 

“The hell you doin’ here?” 

“I could ask you ze same question,” Henrietta twirled a strand of hair around her finger. “I zhought you didn’t like to leave ze milky way.” 

Abby’s face soured. “We’re here on a mission.” 

Henrietta surveyed the drunkards at the bar. “Clearly.” 

“S.L.I.N.G.S.H.O.T.’s broken. We need it to get to G:KND Headquarters. It’s an emergency.” 

Kuki pushed against her rosining cheeks. “Abby who is that?” 

“Kuki, Fraulein. It’s been too long.” Henrietta kissed the girl on the cheek, which caused her to almost collapse. “You grow more und more lovely as ze years go by. I see you und Numbuh 4 are still in contact. Zat’s...nice.” 

“You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen,” she whispered. 

“You flatter me,” she touched Kuki’s chin. “If you’re ever bored, mein kind, don’t hesitate to call. Men can be, vhat’s ze American word, ein snooze?” 

“Ahem.” Abby glowered. 

“Oh, don’t be jealous, Abigail.” She went back to Abby, who was not enjoying the games. "You'll always be mein favorite.” She grinned at Hoagie, who was having a hard time not staring at her. “Hello, Hoagie.” 

“Well, hello.” 

“I like your coat.” 

He cocked a brow, his automatic pilot activating. “You’ll like what’s under it even more.” 

“Don’t hold yo’ breath,” Abby interjected. “Henrietta Von Marzipan wouldn’t suck a dick if it were coated in chocolate.” 

Henrietta gasped. “Abigail! You should know anyzing chocolate-coated is always on ze table.” 

Hoagie lost his cool a bit and laughed awkwardly. 

“What do you want, Heinie?” Abby stepped in. 

“You never believed in coincidences, did you? Just stumbling into each other for ein good time, no?” 

Abby glared. 

“Fine. Ein little birdy told me ein couple of humans from Earth von ein paintball game out in Pulsar. So, I took ein gamble und tracked you down.” 

“Ooh!” Kuki jumped up. “That was me! I won the paintball game!” 

“I thought perhaps you vould want to help me with ein job. Seeing as you’re out here already.” She knocked on the counter. “I’m in ze mood for somezing sweet.” 

“I’m busy.” 

Henrietta looked around. “Vere’s your boyfriend?” She shrugged. “Seems like ze gang’s all back togezer. He should be here too.” 

“Nigel is not my boyfriend,” Abby corrected. 

“Oh?” She bit her lip. “Vell, good news for me zen.” 

Kuki nudged her own passed-out boyfriend. “Wally, wake up!” She tried to shake him, but he was out like a light. “There’s some serious sexual tension going on here and you’re missing it!” 

“Why should I help you?” Abby sneered. “Since when do you care about the Kids Next Door?” 

“I don’t,” Henrietta said. She looked at Hoagie, who was sitting uncomfortably, unsure of what to make of the situation. As she got closer, he seemed to get redder. “Perhaps one of you will answer mein questions?”

The boy swallowed hard. 

“How about you und I take ein trip to Guatemala...hm?” She flipped up his collar. 

“G-G-Guatemala?” 

“Your caramels...” she whispered. “I still dream about zem to zis day. Zat intelligence. One of ze most sophisticated, complex flavors I ever tasted.” She got closer, he could feel her breath on his skin. “Vat I vouldn’t give for just one...more...bite...” 

A hand reached in and gripped Henrietta’s ear, yanking her up and away from him. “Back off,” Abby snarled. 

“Oh come now, mein lieb. We’re only having a bit of ze fun.” She pried the hand off of her ear. “Don’t be ein stick in ze dirt.” 

“Mud.” 

Henrietta leaned in so that only Abby could hear her. “Breaking all ze rules zis time, aren’t we?” Abby didn’t reply and tried not to react. “As far as I remember, you’re not allowed to be fraternizing with your old teammates.” 

“What you gonna do? Tell on me?” 

She grinned. “Of course not. What kind of girlfriend vould I be if I did zat?” 

“Henrietta, for the last time...” 

“You’ll change your mind, Abigail. You und I vere made for each other. You’ll see. Space is so much more open-minded.” 

“That ain’t the reason and you know it.” 

Henrietta then turned the others, speaking loudly. “I’m surprised to see you out here, Abby. Uno’s gotten himself in anozer tussle, has he?” 

“So it would seem.” 

“Too bad you didn’t go vith him,” she said. “You vouldn’t have to travel so far.” 

Now she knew what Henrietta was up to. “Heinie...” 

“But you decided to stay on Earth. Pity.” 

Kuki sat up. “Wait. Decided to stay?” 

“Henie. Seriously. Shut it.” Abby’s voice groveled, her fists were clenching. 

“Oh, you don’t know?” Henrietta grinned in a sinister fashion. “Abigail was offered ein position with ze Galactic Kids Next Door. Very prestigious honor. She turned zem down, of course. Heaven only knows vhy.” 

“Abby...” Kuki folded her hands. “Is that true?” 

Hoagie’s face cracked. “They offered you a job?” 

Abby grabbed Henrietta and dragged her aside. “Excuse me, can I talk to you for a second?” she grumbled. 

“Anyzing for you.” 

When they were out of earshot, Abby let go. “Why?” 

“I thought perhaps they’d vant to know zat you stayed for zem.” 

“I did not stay for them.” 

Henrietta puffed. “Oh, come now.” 

“I didn’t leave for Nigel and didn’t stay for no one else, got it?” she stated. “Abby does what Abby wants because Abby wants.” 

“Yes, of course.” Henrietta rolled her eyes. 

“I cannot believe you.” 

“I don’t see ze big deal.” 

“Jesus, Heinie. I was this close!” Abby spun herself in a circle, walking away from her, back toward her, and then away again. “Now I got more shit to explain!” 

“Close to vat? Hm?” She followed her. “Vere do you zink all zis is going to go? You will go off vith zem? Run und play in your little treehouse forever und ever?” 

“I don’t know!” Abby faced her again, her hands over her hat. She exhaled deeply. “I don’t know,” she said again. 

“If they’re here, und you’re in space,” Henrietta continued. “Zen ‘sings on Earth must be very bad.” 

“They are,” Abby said before twisting her face. “Not that you care.” 

“Listen. I need you, Abigail. I need someone...” she tried to find the right words. “Trustworthy.” 

“What makes you think I’m just gonna drop everything and help you steal more candy?” 

Henrietta shook her head. “Not candy. I’ve had to expand mein practice.” 

Abby’s eyes narrowed. “To?” 

“Cinnamon.” 

“That code for somethin’?” 

“It’s ein Spice.” 

“Since when are you into Spices?” She began to walk away from her. “Nevermind. I ain’t interested.” 

“It’s said to be...mind-altering. Worth ein fortune. Do you know how much candy ve could buy with even ein ounce?” 

“Forget it, Heinie. Tomorrow the S.L.I.N.G.S.H.O.T. is gonna be fixed and I am gonna be on it, soon as it is. You get your own drugs.” 

“So Abby got a job offer from the G:KND, huh?” Kuki said, pressing her feet against the bottom of the bar. “She must love the Earth a whole lot, since she gave up being with Nigel Uno to stay there. She cares about him so much.” 

Hoagie was slumped over the counter, his hand on his forehead. “I’m such an idiot,” he said under his breath. 

“It is not for me!” they heard the blonde German shout as Abby hustled back to the bar. 

“I said no!” 

“Vat if it could bring zeir memories back!” 

Abby stopped. 

Hoagie sat up and spun around. “What if what could?” 

She sneered. “Nothin’. Yo’ drunk.”

“It’s one little job,” Henrietta pouted. 

“What’s the job?” Kuki asked. 

“It ain’t happenin’,” Abby snarled. 

Kuki pouted. “Yeah, but I still wanna know!” 

“Cinnamon is known to be one of ze most powerful substances in ze entire Universe. At least fifty times more powerful’zn Crystal. Und I just need ein incy, weency bit of it!” 

“A drug?” Hoagie stood. 

“I thought you were drunk,” Abby griped at him. 

“Drug Adventure!” Wally lifted his head off the counter for a brief instance. “I’m in!” He collapsed again shortly after. 

“Abby, a drug could work.” Hoagie had his finger to his chin. His mind was definitely concocting something. 

“No. No. Absolutely not,” she pushed him back. “No one is goin’ on drugs. We’ve wasted too much time already.” 

“Abby, if we can’t get to Uno, even past the G:KND security, that’s it. This whole thing’s been for nothing.” 

“Then we’ll do it without the recommissioning module.” 

“Do you know the odds of that happening? We are going to be there tomorrow.” 

She stood up on her toes, so she could tower over him. “I am not puttin’ anyone on drugs! End of discussion!” She spun on her heels and walked out of the club. 

“Abby!” Kuki called. 

Henrietta shook her head, moving next to Hoagie. “Tsk. Intelligence is such ein burden, isn’t it?” she said. “If it ever gets too much for you, zere’s always Guatemala.” 

“Excuse me,” he replied as he walked off. 

Kuki called. “Where are you—” 

“Just stay in the bar, Kuki. Take care of Wally.” 

Kuki huffed. “Stay in the bar, Kuki,” she grumbled. She looked at her sleeping partner. “The things I do for you, Wallabee.” The boy hiccupped, then licked his lips. She stroked his head. 

She always missed all the good fights. 

“Abigail!” Hoagie pushed through the crowded street. “God dammit...Abigail!”

Abby didn’t stop. Her pace was brisk, but she could still hear him calling her name. 

He was running. She knew he wouldn’t stop so she eventually slowed down. “No,” she said. 

Hoagie panted. “Abby—” 

“No.”

“Would you just listen to—” 

“No.” 

“So, we’re back to this, huh?” He heaved. 

Abby was silent. 

“Fine. I’ll talk,” he said, getting his breath back. “You know we need that recommissioning module. You won’t admit it, but you know it.” 

“We’ll be fine.” 

“This could be our one chance to get it to work. I can’t believe you’re going to pass this up!” More silence. “I just need thirty minutes, ten! Ten minutes on the stuff and I can remember how to fix the recommissioning module! No one else has to do it, okay? Just a little bit, Abby. One dose and I can get our memories back! Forever! I thought that’s what you wanted!” 

“Not this way!” she snapped back. “Not like this. It’s too dangerous.” 

“We don’t have much choice.” 

“I don’t trust her!” Abby shouted. 

“You don’t have to trust her. There’s four of us, one of her. What’s she gonna do?” 

Abby continued to shake her head, hugging her arms close to her. 

“Hey, Abby...” He ran to her side. “Look at me. Hey. Listen to me.” Perhaps it was the air, or something else, but there was no hesitation in him whatsoever as he touched her shoulders. “This is a miracle,” he said. “And we could use one of those.” 

Abby was quiet for a long time. “And if it goes wrong?” 

He shrugged. “Then you can blame me.” But Abby was still hesitant. “I know what you’re risking by doing this. I probably don’t even know a fraction of it, but I know enough,” he said. His hands broke off of her shoulders. “It’s your choice.” 

“God, I hate you sometimes,” she mumbled. “Fine.” 

He brightened. “Seriously?” 

“Yeah, but I’m gonna be on that woman’s ass the whole time I hope you know.” 

Hoagie grinned from ear to ear. “Thank you, Abby.” 

“Yeah, yeah.” She sniffed. “Just don’t get used to it.” 

“All settled? Good,” Henrietta’s voice rang over the crowd. The two teens turned to see her smirking at them. “So how’bout zat drink?” 

END TRANSMISSION.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Listen to "Hajimete Koi wo Shita Kioku/Memories of My First Love" here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VV34fz92Ubc 
> 
> Translation lyrics into english: https://kaminomi.fandom.com/wiki/The_Memory_of_My_First_Love_(Song) 
> 
> From the anime "Kaminomi zo Shiru Sekai/The World God Only Knows" which is great. Please use the link above instead of watching the clip from the show if you are at all interested in checking it out. It has heavy spoilers. 
> 
> And of course avoid the comments!! XD


	10. S.P.I.C.E.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wally and Abby follow Henrietta into the desert in search of an ancient drug that may have the ability to return their memories. Abby has an unexpected revelation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content Warning: Underage drug use: Hallucinogenics.

Now Loading...

Code: [RESTRICTED]

Operation: S.P.I.C.E.

Spiritual  
Piquancy  
Invokes  
Colorful  
Enchantment

Written by OfficiallyWrong with properties owned by Tom Warburton  
And Cartoon Network

Episode 16

Location: Dystal City, the Planet Bacchanus

Although the morning star rose over the Dystal City skyline, you would never know it. The black smog that coated the area was something of an enigma to those who lived there. Many did not even know the daylight existed, nor did they particularly care. The city was a perpetual state of stagnation, one where one woke when they woke, and slept until they had enough energy to wake again. The residents of the city did not have need for a morning star, no desire for blue skies that blossomed into technicolor. There was no sensation of passing time for them to be concerned of, no cares of what was to come next. The Teens blessed with immortality had nothing to do, nowhere to go, and did not bother to step outside of the city’s walls to ask themselves whether or not this mysterious natural light could be seen. Those who did venture out of the city, never returned. Or if they did, they would surely not feel the same. It was at the point where the residents believed that the sky would always be black, the moon and galaxy were mythology, and the only thing giving the city its rhythm was the exchange of sensations brought about by altered consciousness and the unified circadian clock by which they operated.

This made Abby and her friends all the more like outsiders. For when the time came to awaken from their comas, the rest of the city was entering its own. They had somehow made it back to their ship before the cycle had ended, and if undisturbed would sleep another few days before realizing that the daylight was not coming to resurrect them. 

Wally had passed out somewhere in the bathroom. Kuki and Hoagie slunk their way to the captain’s quarters sprawling out by the open viewing platform. Kuki’s head on his chest, his mouth drooling on the glass. 

“Such ein shame,” Henrietta shook her head, not hiding her growing grin as well as she assumed she was. She watched as Abby tried to wake up Hoagie and Kuki, who were unresponsive. “Not’zt I am surprised. Some teens just can’t hold zeir intergalactic liquor.” 

Abby sighed, stepping back and crossing her arms. “Four’a us, one’a her, he says.” 

Henrietta kept her smile, rapping her arm around Abby’s shoulder, pulling her in close. “Looks like you and I vill be spending some alone time togeth—" 

“Wait!” A loud voice came stumbling out of the corridor, followed by thudding footsteps. Wally burst through the entry way, fully dressed and wide-eyed. “You’re not leaving without me, are you?!” 

Abby smirked at Henrietta, whose jaw was on the floor. “Wouldn’t dream of it.” 

He let out a sigh of relief. “That was some night last night! Phew! I thought I was gonna be smashed for days.” 

“We all did,” Henrietta added. “Did you not vant to maybe rest?” 

“You kiddin’? I wouldn’t miss this for the world!” Wally’s smile was infectious. 

Her lips curved downward. “You don’t feel sick?” 

“Nah. I never get hung over.” He noticed Kuki and Hoagie. “Oof. They ain’t wakin’ up for a while.” He walked over to his girlfriend, poking her in the cheek. “Kuki...Kukiiii.” He beamed. “This is great!” 

“Great?” Abby was confused. 

“Yeah!” Wally had a little too much energy. “Love her, but Kuki’s always naggin’ me about smokin’n stuff. Not exactly someone you want on a drug adventure, am I right? I’m a free man for the day!” 

Abby and Wally both looked at Henrietta until she broke. “Ugh. Fine,” she said. “But vee are taking my car.” 

Twisting her car keys in her hands she pressed a button calling the beast. It dove out in front of the ship, visible from the front window but only just. Wally squealed with excitement, ran to kiss his girlfriend goodbye and rushed downstairs. Abby left the two a note on one of the various rolls of toilet paper left on the ship stating they would be back and the three exited the ship. Wally pressed his hands against his face as he saw the tall hummer-like car towering over them. 

“Wow!” He exclaimed. “That is so cool!” 

Henrietta shrugged. “Oh, Zis? It’s nothing. Vait until you see vhat she can do.” Her pride was welling up.

“I call shotgun!” He practically danced to the vehicle. He started to sing, loudly and off-key, pretending he was holding an electric guitar. “Drug adventure! Gonna get high!” 

Abby walked briskly after him. “Uh, no. Nobody’s gettin’ high.” 

“Drug adventure!” Wally sang, not really listening. “Gonna eventually get high!” 

“...no.” 

Wally sank. “Aww, come on.” 

“I don’t care,” Henrietta said. "Do vat you want." 

Wally gestured dramatically to her, his eyes wide. Abby conceded, but informed Wally that the point of the trip was not to indulge in their own pleasures, but to find a solution to their problem, which he begrudgingly agreed to despite his intense curiosity. 

As they rode out of the city, a small line of blue appeared over the vista. As they approached, the line thickened until a quarter of the sky was taken over. The concrete turned into white sand, then red rock, and finally red sand as the path into the unknown revealed itself. It was like driving through a dark tunnel into the light. Even though for Wally and Abby it had only been a few days without what they knew as “day”, it still shocked their system to see it. New possibilities were on the horizon. 

Their journey was soundtracked by Wally’s excited singing and fake guitar riffs. 

“Drug adventure! In the desert!  
Drug adventure! With big cars and lesbians!  
Drug adventure! It’s every Rock’n Roll Man’s dream!  
And I can smoke whenever I want! WHOO!” 

“Abby ain’t a Lesbian.” 

“--Yet.” 

“Not how that works.” 

An hour passed, and Wally had finally calmed himself down enough, and was baked enough, to enjoy the ride without talking. The heat from the now direct light seeped into his body like healing energy. He could see the mirage lines forming in the distance and thought he could feel them around him. He was in a cartoon oven, with steam rising from his body like a magazine cookie sheet. Mmmm. Cookies. He should have thought about that before he got in the car. This alien plant he was smoking was similar to weed in the sense that it made him insatiably hungry while also bringing extreme flavors to the surface of his palate. It was different, however, in the way that it felt more expansive, all the pleasure of a good high without the need of being anchored to the floor, which depending on the strain could really exhaust the body. He just felt light. And good. Really, really good. 

“So,” he finally asked once there was a lull in Abby and Henrietta’s conversation. “What’s this cinnamon stuff do anyway?” 

Henrietta was leaned back in the driver’s seat. He could tell she had been waiting to tell them the whole time. “Oh, Mein Junge. It’s not about vhat it does. Vhat matters is how much cash you can get for even ein shred of it. Ve’ll be the richest people in all the Galaxy. Compared to zat, vhat does it matter?” 

Wally grimaced. “So, you don’t know, or you don’t want me to know.” 

Henrietta laughed. “According to ancient legend, zere vere five spices whose trade controlled ze galaxy’s economy. Before zey switched to crystals. Saffron, Pepper, Vanilla, Cardamom, und Cinnamon. Of zese, Saffron was ze rarest und most expensive. It is found only in ein flower vich is said to grow in ze highest peaks of ze tallest mountains. Zey vere vorth more zen gold. Its properties vere said to give ze consumer the ability to turn zier thoughts into reality. Some even believe it has ze ability to grant eternal life.” 

Abby’s turned over. “Eternal life?” 

Henrietta grinned. “Ze had to get zeir immortality from somevere.”

She pouted. “I guess.” 

“Children vould use Vanilla to make iced creams und bakwaren,” Henrietta continued. “Its sveetness was so legendary’zt it vould attract all manner of beings to it, und it gave such ein intense sense of pleasure’zt ze user vould find all ze meaning in life zey were looking for.” 

Wally felt his jaw dropping. 

Abby rolled her eyes. “You tryn’a tell me one of the original four ice cream flavors is actually a space drug?” 

“Spice, mein Abigail. Not just ein drug.” Her grin widened as she looked at Wally, who was hanging on her every word. “Zey called it ze ultimate medicine. It could heal any injury, trauma, emotional pain...” 

“Whoa...” 

“Oh, please.” 

“But Pepper? Pepper was ze real favorite.” 

Abby grinned. “Was it a hot commodity?” Wally looked at her with judgement. “What? Numbuh 2 ain’t here.” 

“Saffron may have been ze rarest spice in ze trade,” Henrietta explained. “But pepper vas ze real ticket. See, not everyone vanted ein spiritual revolution. Zey vanted to feel alive. Explorers traveled all over ze Universe searching for it, selling it, putting it in zeir food. When it touched your tongue BOOM! Such flavor. Like a vorld of flavor in ein single bite. Zey even say it gave great orgasms,” she winked at Abby. “Which is ze real reason it vas in such high demand if you ask me.” 

“You know, for somebody who don’ t think it’s important to know what these drugs do, you sure know a lot about them,” Abby said. 

“Me? No, my expertise is candy. You know zat.” She brushed back her blonde hair. “But I dabble in ze dark culinary arts every so often.” 

“Tell me the other ones!” Wally jumped up and down like he was ten years younger. 

“Cardamom comes different in colors, black und green. People on zis spice claim to have, what is it, ze...outer body experience?” 

“Out of body experience,” Abby helped her. 

“Da! Travel to ze ozer plains of existence, even to ozer dimensions of our reality. Do I believe in zis? I don’t know,” she admitted. “But zis is the legend.” 

“And the Cinnamon?” Abby was starting to get curious now. 

“Little is known about it,” Henrietta admitted. “Ze ancients hid it away once ze crystals vere discovered. Spices became legend, und of ze legends least is known of ze Cinnamon. What I am told is zat it reveals truth. Not very popular against other spices for’zis reason. But not as difficult to come by.” 

Abby leaned back for a moment, thinking. “If it reveals truth...that must include memories, right?” 

“This is all so bloody cool,” Wally was still in the emotional high of it. 

“Ve are going to ze temple, said to lie under ze sands of zis desert. I have been tracking its location for quite some time,” Henrietta said. “I am unsure if zis vill solve your problem, Abigail, but if vee can get ze spice from ze keepers of ze temple, well, you von’t need to vorry about Earth any longer. You can buy your own planet und live zere.” 

“Private planet! Yes!” Wally sang into the sky. 

But Abby wasn’t too impressed with the idea. “Wally, do you have the communication device I gave you?” 

Wally wiggled his ears. “Right here.” 

“Good. I gave one to the others in case somthin’ goes wrong.” She eyed Henrietta. 

“Nozing vill go wrong.” 

“You said the same thing in Guatemala,” Abby said. She wrapped her arm around Henrietta’s shoulder. “And we all know how that turned out.” 

“You must admit, zo,” she grinned back. “Zose caramels vere delicious.” 

“Unlike you, Heinie, I actually know how to control myself.” 

“On some zings, Abigail,” she admitted. “But zere are some areas of temptation even you can’t resist.” 

Abby shoved her shoulder, standing up. “Watch the road.” Then she went to the back of the truck, climbing out the back seat to sit in the trunk area. 

“Road? Vat road? I could swerve into ein ditch und ve’d still be on ze road.” 

She was left alone with Wally then, who was watching the scene with one eye and gazing along the horizon with the other. Her elbow was propped against the open window, the breeze blowing her thin hair around her peachy white skin. Wally wondered if she would get a burn. He checked his own skin, which was already beginning to crisp. 

“So...” he at least wanted to attempt conversation. “You knew us before, then?” 

“Yes.” She didn’t extrapolate. 

“You ain’t in the KND though.”

She scoffed. “Heavens no.” 

“How do you know Abby?” 

“Ve have ein lot of history,” she said simply. “I was zere long before you und vill continue to be long after.” 

Wally tried not to take offense to her words. “You must’ve known Nigel Uno then.” 

Henrietta stared stone cold into the distance. “In ein vey.” 

Wally took a drag from his joint. “What was he like?” 

“Pompus,” came her immediate and distant reply. 

“Ooh. Not a fan?” 

“He had nerve. For zat I can credit him.” She licked her lips. “His leadership tasted like ein strong punch in ze arm. Forceful. Single-minded. Not my favorite, but not ein flavor you forget.”

The car bumped over a rock, forcing Wally to put down his legs. Henrietta wasn’t affected by it. 

“Jealous much?” 

She huffed. “I’m plenty jealous, Junge. Of many reasons. But no vay vould I waste my vell-deserved jealousy on someone like Nigel Uno.” She snarled. “He isn’t vorth it.” 

“Seems you feel that way ‘bout all of us,” Wally said. “Tryin’a steal Abby from ya. You must think we’re all buggers.” 

“Und here I ‘sought you vere dim-vitted,” Henrietta said, slightly impressed. 

“There’s a light on in there somewhere.” 

Henrietta pursed her lips. “Abigail vants vat she can’t have,” she said. “She’ll never vant me so long as zere’s somzing furzer out from her reach. Und ven she has you und leaves you...vell, don’t say you veren’t varned.” 

Wally frowned. “Abby ain’t gonna do that.” 

“Zat boy took everyzing,” Henrietta explained. “You may sink zere’s somezing left in zere for you, but zere isn’t. I spent years listening to her cry over him. Years of offering mein shoulder vich she never used und my advice, vich she never took. I vas never enough. You? You definitely von’t be.” Her eyes squinted in the sun as she drove. “Und once he’s back, all zose years will have been vorthless. Und sov’ll you und your little team.” 

“Well, maybe you don’t know her like you think you do,” Wally replied, grouchily. 

“Fine. Live in ze fantasy.” Bump. “It’s only a matter of time.” 

It was quiet. “She didn’t, like, love him nor nothin?” he asked. “Did she?”

Henrietta sighed. “I don’t know vat it vas.”

“Glad to see you two gettin’ along,” Abby’s grinning face popped back in. “Henrietta, you playin’ nice?” 

“His flavor’s still too strong for me,” Henrietta whispered. “Too much...fire.” 

“Wally, you good?” 

“You know it, Boss.” 

“Cool. Abby’s gonna be on lookout. You never know what kinda creatures live out in the desert.” 

She left again. 

“You’re wrong,” he finally said. 

“Ve’ll see,” she said back. 

“So that’s why I can hear your accent!” Wally exclaimed. 

“Da. Your brain recognizes ze Deutch but as many vords as you can guess through clues.” 

“Bloody brilliant.” 

There was a mirage of heat coming from the top of the sand, making it appear as though the desert was somehow covered in water. Wally decided he liked the desert, full of little creatures he couldn’t see, lurking beneath the hot sand. Not a body of water in sight. He would rather die of heat stroke than drown. He gazed back out the window, a black dot appearing over the horizon. 

It was approaching at an alarming rate. Another mirage? Deserts were so cool. But then that dot multiplied into three dots as they appeared larger. 

“Are you seein’ this?” Wally asked. 

Henrietta had a pair of binoculars she used to look behind her. She threw them down and floured the gas. 

“Heinie, what gives?” Abby called from the back. 

“Zose are Tilian bikes,” she explained. “Not good news.” 

“What are Tilians?” 

“Teens who feel zey have nozing to lose,” Henrietta explained. “Zey are violent for ze sake of violence.” 

“What do they want with us?” 

“Zey’re probably bored,” Henrietta said. 

Wally looked at her skeptically. “Bored? They just ride around on bikes attackin’ people cause they’re bored?” 

She grinned. “Vouldn’t you?” 

“I mean sure it’s fun to pull up a nerd’s undies every once in a while, but--” 

“Wallabee I vas being facetious.” 

“How do we lose’m?” 

“I don’t see how vee can,” she said. “Ze ruin is not for ein few miles und there are no rocks, no dunes, nozing.” 

Abby grabbed a sniper-looking weapon from the back of the car. “You always make me do the hard stuff,” she muttered. 

“Only because I like to see you sveat.” 

Abby kicked Wally’s seat. “You get the back, Wally. I’ll take the top.” 

The Tilians were not very cleverly named, Abby discovered, because they resembled very reptilian creatures, at least from where she was standing. Abby set up her gun aiming steadily. Her adversaries were holding clubs and whips, slashing them against the ground barbarically. 

“Alright!” She heard Wally behind her. “Finally, a weapon my size!” He shot it into the air as a warning shot, hitting the windshield of an approaching bike. His face flattened. “Paint?!” 

“Well, yeah!” Abby called down. “What’dya think was in it?” 

“We ain’t gonna be able’ta take down—” 

“Hang on I can’t hear you!” Abby switched on her communication earpiece she got from Dystal City. “Turn on your hearin’ device.” 

Wally did. “Good?” 

“Perfect.” 

“How we suppose’ta fight these guys with paint?” 

TEEN TERRITORY ARTILLERY: P.A.I.N.T.G.U.N. 

Pelleting   
Anyone  
In  
Near  
Terrain   
Goes  
Unnervingly   
Numb

Abby squinted. There was something moving under the sand, coming right for them. Her eyes widened. 

“Heinie!” 

The car swerved, narrowly avoiding the torpedo as it exploded blue dust. The Tilians gave a battle cry and revved their engines. She went to turn her hat around, but realized it was already turned to protect her forehead from the heat. Force of habit, she guessed. She held her head and leaned down at the window. 

“The hell was that?” 

“Smoke screen,” Henrietta said. “Don’t worry, zey vill not paralyze you. Zey may make you ein bit dizzy.” 

Abby sat back on the car. “Wally you hear that?” 

“Don’t touch the blue shit. You know, it ain’t hard to figure out.” 

It was difficult to get a clear shot, but Abby and Wally managed to at least stave them off until they reached the rocks. She fired a few rounds, managing to at least knock the head of the pack off their course. 

“Ve’ll lose zem in zere,” Henrietta called out the window. 

She took a hard turn. 

“Excuse me! I’m up here!” Abby shouted. 

“Zere!” Henrietta pointed toward the cavern of red rocks in the distance. 

“Looks more like we’d be at the disadvan—” 

A shadow appeared over her, a bike flying over her head. She aimed in position, fired, but hit the bike. The hog fell over the car and Heinie turned a hard right to avoid it, the left wheel lifting off the ground. The Tilian had jumped off the bike and landed on the roof of the car. 

“Abigail?” Henrietta called. “I heard some—” 

She watched the bike fall in front of the car, unable to avoid it, she rode over it, knocking Abby off her feet, sending her sliding across the roof. She managed to catch onto the side of the car, continuing to hold onto the gun as well. 

“Abigail!” 

The Tilian grabbed her and pulled her up by the arm. Her falling off the car wasn’t fun enough for them she supposed. 

Abby couldn’t get a clear enough shot, so she whacked the being with the back of her gun. It barely made an impact. They swung their bat, but she managed to dodge just enough so that she didn’t fall off. She kicked it out of their hand, putting the barrel of the gun to its chest. Firing, she kicked the being off the back, another shot fired completely paralyzing them as they crashed into the rolling sand. 

Wally shot a few more shots but was becoming frustrated with his poor aim. This was something that should have still come naturally to him, yet he could not figure out how to properly work any of these weapons. He could get them when they came closer to him, though, as one was just about to. In their hand, they held another smoking blue grenade. Wally held his breath and shot at the grenade. Having no luck, he finally took a metal ball he found rolling around for some reason and threw it at the Tilian. It was a perfect shot, right in the hand. They cried out as the ball exploded into a splotch of green paint. 

“Get in!” he heard Henrietta shout. 

The two of them climbed inside. 

Henrietta grinned. “Last one’s mine.” 

The car rolled over the rocks as they entered the canyon-like ridge. The rocks were sharp but she maneuvered them like a pro. The bike went to the top, passing the car with ease. 

“What are you up to?” Abby looked at her friend skeptically. 

“Just watch und be amazed,” Henrietta winked. She rolled up the windows. “I like to end mein battles with ein splash.” 

Henrietta lifted a metal latch as the bike came to jump. A little closer, her hand was positioned over a lever. 

“Zis is mein favorite part,” she whispered to Wally. 

The bike approached, the Tilian holding their club ready to swing at the windshield. Then, almost as though an airbag went off, the car screeched to a halt. A firecracker sound came from all ends of the car as about twenty metal balls, like the one Wally threw, flew into the air. Without warning, they exploded, casting the entire area in rainbow paint and causing the Tilian to fly backwards. 

The three waited in silence for something more to happen, smelling the burned rubber. 

“You don’t zink I survived out here so long due to mein negotiation tactics,” she said proudly. 

“That was...so...cool!” Wally flung his hands in the air. 

“Why the hell didn’t you do that before?” Abby asked, giving her an annoyed look. 

But Henrietta simply grinned. “I told you. I like to see you sveat.” 

“Zis is it,” Henrietta said, the two following behind her. “Ze Temple of Damanhet. Ze last known spice temple in existence.” 

They looked up at the tall red rocks, smoothed by the hands of Alien beings. There were markings all over the walls, but not random. Abby assumed it was some kind of language. Stories, most likely, like those passed down in the hieroglyphs of Egypt. She put on the glasses they had gotten in Dystal City, walking up to the rock. They had left the car back a few miles, having had to hike through the rocks deep into the salt of the earth to find this place. All they had with them were one P.A.I.N.T.G.U.N. each and pouches of water. Abby also brought the Tilian club for insurance. 

“It’s like an ice cream temple,” she said. 

“What the blazin’ hell’s an ice cream temple?” Wally asked. 

“I mean...” She climbed onto some of the higher rocks. “I think a password opens it. “This part tells the story. But it’s so ancient none of the words translate, even with this thing.” She took off the glasses and placed them back in her shorts pocket. 

Wally nodded, lighting another joint. 

“Ain’t you had enough?” Abby asked. “I need you to focus.” 

“Abby, trust me. I’m way more focused when I’m high. Besides,” he said. “Ain’t no way we can read any’a this crud anyway. May as well just bust the door down.” 

“And desecrate a sacred temple?” Abby crossed her arms. “Boy, you must be high.” 

“High.” 

“Yes.”

“No.”

“No?” 

“No, listen,” he said. “What’d they say the Cinnamon was for? Somethin’ about truth.” He wandered over to the rocks with Abby. “It looks like these guys are offerin’ somethin’ as a sacrifice to the temple. Maybe that’s how we get in.” 

“Great,” Henrietta jeered. “You volunteer zen?” 

“I mean maybe it ain’t a password that opens it but some kinda ritual.” He pointed at the image of a light-like being holding something up to the sky. 

“A purification ritual,” Abby said. “To enter the holy place.” 

“Smoke.” 

Abby felt uncomfortable. “Wally, you know how I feel about—” 

“You don’t gotta do it. It’s only gotta be one of us.” He stepped into the corner. “This looks like it’s a chimney or somethin’. And look. Brush.” He took out his lighter, putting out his joint for the time being. It was strange, he thought. He felt as though he had been there before. Like it was calling to him. This place made him feel more at home than any place on Earth did. There was a peace about it, a stillness. He lit the twigs, fanning the smoke up through the chimney. They waited there for a long time, and just as they were ready to try something else, the ground began to rumble. The walls of the temple parted, a smell of incense wafted over them as a cloud of smoke covered the passageway to the temple. 

Wally went first, then Abby, and Henrietta. As they passed through the smoke they could feel their bodies tingling, as though it were moving through it. 

“Zis place is giving me ein rash,” Henrietta complained. 

“Got a flashlight?” Wally asked. 

“No, but you got a lighter,” she said as she tossed him the Tilian club. “Goin’ old school.” 

As they walked, there were more markings, more drawings, all ancient stories about the spice trade. 

“How’d you know what to do to get in here?” Abby asked Wally. 

He shrugged. “I just sorta did.” 

“Hello.” 

The three turned around, nearly dropping their torch. A short little Alien with a white robe greeted them. 

“Kill it vith fire,” Henrietta whispered. 

But the being smiled. “Do not be afraid. We have been expecting you.” 

Abby lifted a brow. “You have?” 

“Who is vee?” Henrietta asked. 

“The Tribe, of course,” the being said. “We could sense you from a great distance and knew you would be coming here for wisdom.” 

“Actually, we’re here to—” Wally stared but Abby kicked him to shut him up. 

“Hide. We were attacked. By the uh, gang with bikes,” Abby said. “There are more of you here?” 

The being grinned. “Oh, yes. We have been here for many, many millennia. Watching over the temple and continuing the sacred traditions of our ancestors.” They waddled along the ruins. “I will take you to Leoor. They will care for you while you recover. You must be very special. Only the truly worthy may enter this place.” 

Location: Damanhet, on the Planet Bacchanus

Damanhet existed below the sandy desert floor. Deep in the bellows of the red and gold rocks, long caves intertwined like an underground labyrinth immaculately decorated with geometric tiles. They traveled through market places filled with fresh fruits and baked breads. The air was sweet smelling but not like the intoxication of Dystal City. It was like being in a warm kitchen when goods are baking in the oven. They followed the short Alien who waddled over the protruding rocks and crystals in the flooring. Abby was starting to feel uncomfortable with all the curious eyes glomming onto her. She had been away from home too long. Away from humans too long. She missed the comfort of their faces, being able to blend into a crowd. She looked over at Wally, who unlike her was absorbing everything as though he were a child in an amusement park. That, at the very least, made her smile. Henrietta, despite never being there, walked around like she owned the place with cheeky confidence. Abby rolled her eyes. All these years, she was still trying to show off. 

They were led to a temple. It towered above them, embellished with gold lining and what their guide had called healing crystals. Abby did feel a little better just being in that place. They didn’t have anywhere to go, or any worries about the outside world. Everything was peaceful there, unlike Dystal City where loud noises and flashing lights made her ears and eyes bleed, zapping more energy than it gave. The inside of the temple was painted in more bright colored patterns and geometry. The ceilings almost shot into the sky, candles lining the hall leading to the sanctuary. It was a portal to heaven, Abby thought. If such a thing could exist. 

They arrived at the sanctuary where they saw a white-robed Alien, who appeared to glow like an angel. Not a fake glow, one that radiated from the core. Every once in a while, the white light would almost look green, no...blue. Purple? It was impossible to describe. Abby couldn’t stop staring. 

“Leoor,” the small Alien guide said. “These outsiders have come seeking wisdom.” 

The being turned, their face more radiant than their back. They smiled. “Come, my children. You have come from so far and are so weary. Come and rest.” 

“They were attacked by the Tilians,” the guide said. 

“I see. Then you must rest all the more.” 

The luminous being, Leoor, spoke with the authority of the masculine and the tenderness of the feminine. Abby found herself blushing deeper the more she heard it. Inspired by its beauty, jealous of its freedom. Leeor’s eyes peered at her and she wanted to cover herself. It felt as though it were looking deep into her essence. Again, if there was such a thing. She was starting to question herself. This place, these people, they were doing something weird to her brain. But, she supposed, what else was new? 

“Thank you,” She said, stepping into the sanctuary and approaching Leeor. Bowing her head in respect, she sat before them. Henrietta and Wally followed, ending up on either side of her. “Master Leoor,” she began. But the being placed a hand up to silence her. 

“Leoor. We are our own masters here,” they said with kindness. 

Abby’s cheeks were hot. Her stomach twisted as the shame began to build. “Leoor,” she tried again. “We have come from a very long way to get here. And, uh, we...” The smell was getting to her. Or was it the heat? “We are on a journey to...well, it’s a long story. See, we kinda— never mind the point is—” 

Wally leaned in a concerned whisper. “Abby, what’s up with you?”

“N-nothin’! Abby’s fine. Never been better. Leoor, we, our planet is in trouble. Not the planet itself. That’s ain’t what I meant.” 

Wally’s eyes were saucers. “Uhh.” 

Abby shot up, stopping her nonsensical rambling. “Will you excuse me for a moment?” She turned around and started to walk out of the sanctuary. Leeor simply watched. Just outside the sanctuary, Abby paced back and forth, her mind running wild. Her hair was a mess. Her skin was rough from the trip. That was no way to present herself to a being like Leeor. That was odd. She never cared about what others thought of her appearance. But here, she was insanely self-conscious. She frowned. Here. She wasn’t even supposed to be here. And now that she was here, she couldn’t formulate a sentence to get herself out of here. Of course. Since Aqueous she hadn’t been able to do anything right. No, from the beginning she couldn’t do anything right. She didn’t want to do this anymore. She wanted to go home. 

She just wanted to go home. 

“Earth Alien.” 

Abby spun around on her heels. “Huh?!” 

Leoor’s smiling face greeted her. “It’s alright. What you are experiencing is natural.” 

Abby blinked. “H-huh?” 

Leoor took her hand and Abby thought she would melt. “Come.” 

“O-Okay...” 

As they walked back to the others, Leoor explained themself. “These crystals are healing. They heal not only physical wounds, but the ones deepest inside us. Darkness and negativity must rise to the surface before it can be purged, you see. Unfortunately, the City dwellers have drained the crystals of their properties and are using them for...entertainment.” They let go of Abby’s hand. “They can bring bad energy to one’s endeavors if not careful.” 

Wally grimaced. “You mean our bad luck is cause’a some magic crystals that some other asshole stole?” He leaned in again. “Abby, these Aliens are bonkers. You sure about this?” 

“The crystals read energy,” Leoor said. “And they will deliver that energy ten-fold. If the energy is bad, the crystals will draw it out from us, healing us in the process. The longer you stay here, the longer you will show the sides of your personality you want to keep hidden.” 

Wally and Abby were found their eyes drawn to Henrietta, who was picking her teeth with her nail. Quickly she realized what was happening and pulled it out. “Let’s make zis quick, zen, shall we?” She stood. “Ve need—” 

“I know why you are here,” Leoor stated. “And while I understand your haste, I cannot give you the Cinnamon.” 

Wally flopped over, his head landing lightly on the stone. “Figures.” 

“Leoor,” Abby found her voice again. “We know the importance of the Spice. But we promise it will be in good hands. The fate of our known world depends on us getting that spice. Even if it was just a little bit...”

“I know you are telling the truth,” Leoor stated. “And yet, I cannot simply give you the Cinnamon. It is not a tool to be used as a means to an end. It is life giving, and it reveals our deepest truths, truths perhaps we ourselves do not wish to see. To receive the Spice, you must respect the Spice.” 

Henrietta scoffed. “Respect ze spice...” 

“This girl wishes to sell it for gains,” Leoor said. “And you feel it a means to a accomplishing a goal. Nothing more.” They looked at Wally. “He is the only worthy one of you.” 

“Who...me?” Wally’s jaw dropped as he sat back up. “I’m the worthy one?” 

Leoor nodded. 

“Alright! I’m the chosen one! Take that! Who’s Number Four Now!” 

“Course it’s drug-related,” Abby jeered. 

“How do you know all zese things?” Henrietta asked. “You read minds?”

Leoor smiled. “I am an Intuit. We cannot read minds, but we can read energy. Like the crystals, we are conduits for dark and light energies that shape our Universe. What you call...cosmic background radiation. That is how I know to call her a she,” they said pointing to Henrietta. “And him a ‘he’,” they pointed at Wally. “Even though our culture has no need for such labels.” They went back to Abby looking slightly curious. “You, I am not sure. Perhaps you are not sure?” 

Abby froze. There was a short pause as the others looked at her with interest. “Just Abby’s fine,” she said. 

“Whoa!” Wally gasped. “Can you tell me my future!” 

“The future is an illusion. The past is malleable. All that is, exists in the present.” 

“...Oh.” Wally’s brain tried to wrap around Leoor’s words. 

“If you wish to obtain the Cinnamon,” Leoor told them. “You must first accept the Cinnamon into your life. Allow it to guide you through your journey.” 

Abby glowered. “Wait. You want us to...” 

“Yes!!” Wally jumped up. “Drug adventure! Gonna get so high!” 

“N-no,” Abby shook her head. “I don’t...isn’t there some other way I can convince you?” 

“It is not me you must convince,” Leoor replied. 

Abby’s face flattened. “Right. How bout they do it and Abby watches.” 

“You must all undergo the ceremony if the Cinnamon is to leave with any of you. Please. Sit.” 

“It’s just that—” 

“Yes?” 

Abby swallowed. “I ain’t never...Abby don’t...” She felt her heart pounding in her chest, beads of sweat all over. “It ain’t for me.” 

“You are searching for something,” Leoor said ethereally. “You have been for a very long time. I can sense that it is very important. The Cinnamon could give you the answers you seek.” 

“A-Answers?” 

“The Cinnamon reveals truth, my love. Only those with purity in their souls, however, can accept truth.” They smiled. “So. Are you willing to accept the truth of your life?” 

Abby thought she wasn’t, but something deep inside nagged at her. Something not in her mind, but in the pit of her stomach. 

“Okay,” she said. “Show me.” 

“For the Cinnamon to accept you,” Leoor said, pacing between the three humans, who were now sitting cross-legged on the sanctuary floor. “You must relax the mind.” White purifying candles were lit all around them. The energy in the air was light. Though they felt anchored to the ground, it was as though they were floating. “The mind lies to us, but the soul will never lie. Therefore, to hear the soul, you must quiet the mind.” 

Henrietta leaned over to Abby, whispering. “This is a load of—” 

Abby hushed her. 

“Take a deep breath in.” They did. “And out. Allow all the tension to leave your body. You will have thoughts. Quietly observe the thoughts as though they are passing in a stream. Do not attach to them. Simply observe.” 

Abby tried to calm her mind. And at first, it was peaceful. She wondered what a completely silent mind would be like. She must have experienced it at one point. Perhaps a long time ago back in Sector V. Back when everything was the way it was meant to be. She opened her eyes, finding herself getting lost in the memories, pretty sure that wasn’t what she was supposed to be doing. 

She looked over at Wally, who whose eyes were completely closed, his mouth slightly open. It was as though all the tension in his body had evaporated. Leoor was observing him, smiling brightly. He was a natural. Abby smiled. At least one of them was. Her eyes shut again. 

Okay, Numbuh 5 don’t think. 

Don’t think. 

Breathe. 

Don’t think. 

But then again, what was the purpose of this? Clear her mind? She shouldn’t be clearing her mind at all. She had much more important things to do, real people to save. She was wasting time, not that she had been doing a particularly fantastic job already. Her breath caught in her chest. More thoughts flooded in and she was the ball of sticky tape they stuck to. The more she rolled over to another subject, back to breathing, the more the thoughts stuck to her. She tried to pull them off, but that only made it worse. This was awful. She sucked at this. She sucked at everything. Everyone was going to get hurt and it was all her fault. Stupid Numbuh 2, for making her come here. She could feel eyes looking at her, all over her. Her body tingled and not in a good way. All this, for what? For who? For Nigel? 

She grimaced. 

For Nigel. 

How many things...had she done for Nigel? 

How long had she been waiting now? 

Didn’t he know she was waiting? 

Didn’t he care? 

And then a swarm of images took over her. Horrifying, pleasant, everything in-between. But above all, feelings. Deep feelings she never knew were there. Feelings of betrayal. Feelings of anger, of resentment, of hurt, of joy, of nostalgia, of pain. Memories. 

It was her. 

This was all her fault. 

“Abigail,” a tender voice said. A hand touched her leg. Abby opened her eyes to see Leoor looking concerned. “Breathe.” 

But Abby stood to her feet. “I can’t do this.” She didn’t realize how out of breath she was. “Abby ain’t some hippie dippy woo-woo person, okay? In real life that ain’t how it works. You can’t just get all zen and forget about your goddman problems. I am on a mission to save my planet, to save my people and you think I should sit here and be calm?” 

“Breathe.” 

“I’m tryin’a prevent a war here!” 

“Breathe.” 

“You think I asked for any’a this? You wanna know the truth? Here’s the truth! I don’t wanna go on this dumb mission! I gotta! I gotta because no one else is gonna fuckin’ do it! All those kids...” 

“Breathe.” 

Her hands fell over her face. “Why me? Why does it gotta be me? Why can’t I just be happy? Every time I get close I see his face in my mind.” She inhaled and swallowed again. The air was dry. “Fuck this. Fuck all this.” Her arms fell. “I...” 

“This is good, Abigail,” Leoor said. “Be honest with your feelings.” 

She inhaled again, deeper, exhaling before speaking. “I don’t wanna see him.” 

The Alien nodded. “Mmm.” 

“I’m...I’m afraid.” 

“Of what?” 

Abby clutched the sunglasses. “That the world’s gonna end,” she said quietly. “That somehow...he wants this to happen. That I won’t be enough to stop it. That I’m not enough...that I was never...” 

“Fraulein,” Henrietta, who was awake, reached a hand out to her but retracted it when she saw Leoor step forward. 

“When we dwell in the past,” Leoor said. “We allow it to take our power.” They took Abby’s hands, allowing her to sit once again. A healing white light was emanating from them. “Memories are beautiful things, but often they constrict us into certain beliefs. About ourselves and about the world. You have suffered greatly. You feel as though the world is on your shoulders.” 

“Well, it kinda is,” she grumbled. 

“No,” Leoor shook their head. This got Abby’s attention. “That much is an illusion, a story. You have placed this burden on yourself.” 

Henrietta grimaced. “Zat’s ein bit harsh.” 

“Harsh words said with love can be great healing talismans.” 

Henrietta rolled her eyes. “Oh, brozer.” 

Abby crossed her legs once again, Leoor’s healing hands placed on her chest. “Letting go doesn’t mean giving up the things you value,” they spoke with kindness. “But allowing them to move through you. You have decided to give away your power, but you can just as easily take it back. This boy, your memories, your past, they are not your happiness. How you remember them is not the full truth. You are allowed happiness. You deserve happiness. And happiness comes from within.” 

“That Cinnamon stuff really works, huh?” Abby chuckled. 

“That was not the Cinnamon,” Leoor explained pleasantly. “That was entirely you.” They grinned. “And the crystals, of course.” 

Abby closed her eyes again. 

“Breathe. Accept. Accept what you cannot change. Embrace what you can.” 

Abby could breathe again. 

“It is time,” Leoor said. Abby felt a ceramic warm cup placed in her hands. The smell wafted up to her nose, filling her with peace. The vapor was hot and rich with a familiar smell. 

Abby’s lips turned upward. 

Cocoa. 

She brought the cup to her lips and drank the soothing liquid. It ran down her throat through her body as she felt a pulse moving up and down her spine. She waited, but nothing happened. She drank more, but still nothing. Maybe she had already purged what she needed to in order to move forward. Perhaps the Cinnamon had nothing left to show her. 

The cup fell to the floor, Abby’s body going completely limp. She collapsed backwards, falling into Leoor’s arms. 

Wally awoke with the bright light glinting in his eyes. He was surprised that he did not feel nauseous, as his previous experiences with hallucinogenic drugs often made him feel that way. He felt the particles around him, all vibrating. He didn’t know where he was, but he knew he was no longer at the temple. He called out for Abby, but there was no response. Not remembering much about what happened after he closed his eyes to meditate, he figured he simply dozed off like an idiot. The light from the sky was refracting in a different way, not streams but waves. His hand shielded his face. His attempts to sit upright were met with failure. It was at that point he decided he had no need to get up. 

That hippie Alien would come get him eventually. 

Buzzing his lips together, he peered into the blue. He wanted to see if he could find the different shades of sky. He remembered some chick in his literature class rambling on about poetry once. He didn’t like poetry really. It was like pretentious songwriting but with no music, and the music was the best part. That made him a hypocrite, he knew that. But still. He sniffed. He remembered the girl going on about a poem she had read in one of those new-print poetry journals. He didn’t remember the poem except for one line. 

Blue is a unit of time. 

Blue is unit of time? The hell did that mean? But as he attempted to look at the shades of blue in the sky and recounted how colors on drugs were often changing all around him, how other people didn’t possibly see the same blue he did even on the daily without drugs, and how blue was an illusion anyway, he started to, at least a little, understand what the poem was talking about. What did he know about the world? Clearly not very much. He didn’t even know about his own childhood. Memories were always playing tricks on people. It was one of life’s great mysteries, really. How anyone could believe in anything with brains the way they were. Hoagie had explained to him while they were working on the recommissioning module once, that memories were always changing and that was why it was very difficult to bring them back. It was not so much that the memories had been taken from him, as much as they were changed to fit a false narrative. Wally got that. That was how fascists stayed in power, how people gave their souls away to things that weren’t any good for them. Minds were...what was the word he used? 

He couldn’t remember. 

He felt smart on drugs, he mused. Smart enough to actually comprehend Gilligan’s constant scientific ramblings to a degree. Sure, he didn’t understand the science part, but that was just as well. 

Blue is a unit of time. 

If blue couldn’t be seen, and blue couldn’t be touched or tasted, then, he guessed blue was a sort of...experience. What the mind saw as blue wasn’t what blue was at all. But when it happened, blue, he couldn’t deny that that was what it was. Maybe, he thought, there was no time. Maybe time was like the color blue. 

The hot sand rubbed against the back of his arms. 

Drugs were a trip, man. 

There was a dark cave, and around them figures marching in and out, up and down. Young bodies pushing wheels of radioactive green. Abby couldn’t see their faces, only the green and the black silhouettes. Marching, wheeling, like Sisyphus. Pointless labor. The scene changed. It changed to tubes and young bodies strung up to computers, screens flashing static all around her. The children were faceless too. But Abby knew just because she couldn’t see their faces didn’t mean they were actually faceless. A great tree. And beneath that tree...a river. A sparkling river sucked up into more tubes and pushed through buildings and into cocktails that met the lips of hungry Adults who licked their lips and sucked it like a vacuum. 

There was a hand...grabbing onto hers tightly. Desperately. She couldn’t see it, but she knew she couldn’t let go or something horrible would happen. As soon as she realized it was a hand, it slipped out of her grasp. She called out into the pitch-black darkness before waking up in a dark room. Her arms were heavy, weighted down by chains. She looked down at her body, which was tucked close to the wall. Around it, a white jumpsuit blocked her skin from breathing. Paralyzed, she just stared at the stone floor, the tiny light from the door the only window she had to the outside world. The light got thicker, brighter, as the door opened. A shadowy figure loomed tall over her, casting her in total darkness. She could, however, see the syringe in their hand, the liquid inside a glowing neon green. 

Abigail Lincoln

A dark voice spoke from nowhere. 

I want you to remember this day...

As the day you lost. 

The needle of the syringe pressed deep into her skin. She screamed, but a hand was clasped over her mouth. 

Not your movement. 

Not your team. 

More images flashed. Too fast to see, only just fast enough to feel. 

You. Lost. 

Abby shot up, her stomach churning. Her skin was sweating from every corner. Her hair stuck up on all ends. With labored breaths she looked around, noticing her hat set nicely on the sand. Left, right. There was nothing. The temple was gone. The images were as well. A dream? A vision? She held her stomach, leaning over and upheaving into the sand. Brown sludge fell from her mouth tasting acidic. When she was finished, she wiped her face and stood. She brushed off the grains. What was this? There was nothing. Every corner, she was miles away from any sort of civilization. 

“Leoor?” She called. But there was no response. 

She peered at her hands, then at the ground, which was making patterns much like the ones in the temple. Geometric shapes, moving through each other like a kaleidoscope. The sand danced. Browns, reds, flecks of gold, all flowering together in the same pattern. It moved as though there were creatures buried just beneath the surface. She thought she could feel it moving, breathing. One foot in front of the other, she stepped, snatching her hat from the ground. 

“Leoor. This ain’t funny,” she grumbled. 

You have set your intention. 

Abby halted, spinning around in every direction. “Leoor! Hey! You...you there?” She couldn’t speak well. Her voice was rummy, how she imagined drunkards talked. 

Yes, Abigail. I am here. 

“Where are you?” 

I am communicating with you telepathically. 

She pursed her lips. “That’s fancy.” 

This is where I leave you. 

“Wait! Hold up a minute! You can’t—I’m in the desert!” 

You must trust that you will make it back. Trust yourself, Abigail.   
This is your journey. It is not mine.   
Do not worry. No harm will come to you. You are safe. 

“No no no no no no!” Abby ran to what she thought of as a more open space, even though it was really all the same from an objective point of view. “You ain’t goin’ nowhere!” 

Trust the Journey. 

“Psh...the journey.” She was pacing back and forth now, sand flowers growing all around her. They weren’t real, of course. Just more illusions. “I never asked to go on a journey!” she slurred into the sky. “I never asked to be flung to the otha side’a space! You think I got time for a journey? Children goin’ missin’ every day you think I got time for a fuckin’ journey? What time is it?” She looked around again but gave up immediately. 

With her hat in hand, she walked through the desert, continuing to talk to the sky. 

“People dyin’n you wan’me to go on a journey. You donno what that means so how you gon’ tell me what to do? Hm? You think it’s gonna help anybody? You think I got time to think about this crap? It may be all sunshine n’ rainbow monkeys where you are but that ain’t what it’s like on Earth. Can’t expect you to understand. You’re probably a weird Alien Angel. I don’ believe in Angels. I believe in Aliens cause I seen em. Gotta be Aliens. But Angels? God? You want me to think about God, Leoor? How bout we start with child abuse? Hm? How bout we start with hunger? Oppression? War? God. Angels. The fuck has time for that? What time is it?” 

She inhaled, putting her hat on, brim in front. 

There is only one time. 

“Oh, great. That’s the part you respond to.” 

Past and present are an illusion.   
The only things that are real are in this moment, and in this moment, there’s only one question that needs to be answered. 

Who you are. 

“Who I am? Seriously?” 

Listen to your inner voice. Feel the what the Universe is trying to tell you. 

“Who I am. That’s the Universe’s concern? Not, y’know, the struggles   
mankind or nothin. Just who am I? My identity?” 

What is it you want, Abigail? 

“I want to not be trippin’ no more that’s what I want,” she growled. “I dunno what I want! What I want is...it don’t matter what I want! I ain’t some white sweet sixteen princess askin’ for a pink Mercedes. I already know why I’m here! I had that figured out since day one.” 

And yet you are unhappy. 

Abby stopped. 

Ask the Cinnamon. 

“You gotta be shittin’ me.” 

Nothing is a coincidence. 

You are here because there is something you need to hear. 

Abby’s eyes rolled into her head. “Okay fine. How do I do that?” 

There was no answer. 

“Mother’a sweet baby Jesus.” She continued to walk through the sweltering desert. There was a carton of water on her waist, filled to the top now. She put the water to her lips and continued onward. As strange as it was, she just needed to continue on. As she walked, her mind settled. The area was pretty, not that she was in any position to stop and gaze at it. Was the answer in the patterns? The colors maybe? She stared at them for a long time, but nothing came to her. Just molecules. Illusions. Molecules. 

It was all pointless. 

What she wanted was to end the suffering. She wanted to end children’s suffering. To give them childhood, real true childhood, creativity, power. Freedom. 

Freedom. 

Not the freedom to do whatever you want without any regard for others. The freedom to choose. Nigel chose space. That was his decision. For some reason she struggled to accept that. Why? She held the idea that life wouldn’t be the same without him, that her team wouldn’t be the same without him. And indeed, she was right. They weren’t the same without him. But, they weren’t the same anyway. It wouldn’t be Sector V without him. But there hadn’t been a Sector V for a long time. The one that existed now only was there because she made it. She had been waiting for him to come back and restore everything to how it was, but at this point she had accepted that how it was wasn’t what she always imagined it was. Different. And what was would never be again. 

“I wanna choose for myself,” she spoke into the empty air. “I wanna choose myself.” 

But was there even a such thing as choice?

It wasn’t Nigel’s face she was seeing as she spoke anymore. It was her sister’s. 

Cree had betrayed her. Cree, her sister, her closest friend, her family. Cree was afraid. And Abby was afraid of becoming like her. Or worse, of that perhaps she had had good reason for what she did. Coming to that understanding now hurt more than ever, because she could feel everything that Cree had felt back then and was probably still feeling. Only Cree fought with the wrong tools. She went against everything she ever believed in. She betrayed her. And Nigel...

Suddenly, she realized. 

Nigel was just a projection of that betrayal. Except now, Nigel was acting like Cree. He was afraid of growing up. He always had been. He even left everything behind to try and prevent it. And somewhere along the way, Abby had told herself that he left because of her. That she wasn’t good enough to be the leader he was, wasn’t good enough to convince him to stay. That because she had failed so many times, because she had failed him so catastrophically in the beginning, that she was in some way responsible for him. That she was responsible for all of them. That if she was more important, Cree wouldn’t’ve left. That if she was better at her job, her friends’ lives wouldn’t be in danger. It was true that if she hadn’t intervened with the others, things could have gotten out of hand, and Abby was not the type to leave things like that to chance. What she did, she did because she cared deeply about them. But it was tearing her apart. She didn’t want to let go of their friendship. She wanted to stop worrying that one day everything she ever loved would disappear. 

Because that tended to be the pattern with her. 

Cree. Then Maurice and the rest of the old Sector V. Nigel. Rachel. Hoagie. Wally. Kuki. 

You can’t have only one reason for living. 

She’d fucked up this whole life thing big time. Was there even time to turn around and start over? To let go of what had been and embrace the new? Was it somehow a smudge on her childhood to do so? And what was childhood anyway? Was it not a state of mind? Or maybe a construct? If that were the case, why did it exist only for kids? Maybe, she thought a little too hard, that was the whole point. Childhood, genetically speaking, had to be by definition for kids. But childhood the concept was just...

Abby felt her body get lighter. In the end everything was just, as in just a construct, just a molecule, just a thought. And yet the justs of the world were sometimes the hardest things to come by. Did she just want to be happy? Could the world just be happy with her? Is that peace? Is that why they call it just? 

If the KND was just an idea, she could change it. 

If Nigel was just a person, she could face him. 

Couldn’t she? 

She kept telling herself why she had to do it, the reasons why it always had to be her, but it didn’t have to be her. Why did she want to do it? 

That answer was easy. 

Because sitting around gave her hives. 

She hadn’t been waiting for Nigel, she had been working diligently on protecting the things she knew were important. And he was doing the same. The only issue would be if their respective things would become the same thing, or if there would be war. In the end if everything was just molecules, then there was no reason for her to be afraid of him. After all, he was her friend.

Perhaps no longer her best friend as he once had been. 

But her friend. 

What did she want? Who was she? No, she thought. The better question is: who are we? 

A sentence popped into her head. 

Five words only. 

The only thing left to do...was figure out what they actually meant. 

As she wandered, she began enjoying the light on her shoulders and the moving colors and shapes. It was cool how the mind desperately wanted to make patterns of everything. Cool, Abby grinned. 

She hadn’t felt cool in a long time. 

A figure appeared in the distance, lying in the sand, arms and legs stretched out. At first, she thought it could be a mirage. 

“Wally?” 

The figure lifted its head. “Hey, Numbuh 5.” And fell back down. 

Abby blinked. She was still in the peak of her trip, so maybe that’s why she didn’t react with any kind of outward surprise. “Oh. So you remember.” 

“Sorta.” 

Abby sat down next to him. 

“I can see all my memories,” he said, lifting his hand up into the air. “But they’re like...little bubbles floatin’ round.” The hand swiped across the blue backdrop like a screen. “Been tryn’a catch one but I ain’t had much luck.” 

Abby chuckled. “You’ll have’ta tell Numbuh 2. He loves bein’ right.” 

Wally gasped. “No way! He’ll never leave his room! He’ll just wanna work and work and work.” 

Abby shook her head, knowing that was probably correct. “So? You catch any truths?” 

“I’m sorta reliving my whole childhood here,” Wally told her. “How much more truth could’ya catch?” But he stopped for a moment in thought. “Blue’s a unit of time.” 

“...Huh?” 

“Yeah, I dunno.” 

Abby lay next to him. “Abby’s decided she needs a tune-up,” she said after a while. “Been collectin’ dust too long.” 

“I just wanna lie here forevah and evah.” 

“We got a job to do.” 

Wally frowned. “Numbuh 1.” 

“Yep.” 

“Crud. I kinda hope Numbuh 2 doesn’t fix the recommissioning module. I’m still kinda mad at Numbuh 1, you know? I know it ain’t really fair to be but, I still am.” 

“Nice to know Abby ain’t alone then.” 

“It’s not like...” He tried. “I don’t wanna see him or nothin’. I do. It’s just...the whole thing’s sooper weird. Look’t me, Abby. I got spiked up hair and Kuki and me...when did that happen, y’know? Jus’ like yesterday I thought my biggest problem was whether or not I could keep my dodgeball champion title and now poof, we’re almost to college. Well, you are. I ain’t doin’ that scam.” 

“Time flies.” 

“I’ll probably punch him in his dumb face.” 

“You took it harder than all of us,” Abby said. “Numbuh 1 was your first. I dunno about Numbuh 3, but Numbuh 2 and I...we’d been left before. We knew how to cope. For you...” 

“That ain’t it,” Wally said. “It ain’t that he left. It’s when he left.” 

Abby’s face softened. 

“We had a year. Just a year left to be togethah. He could’a waited.” 

She sighed. “It was a once in a lifetime opportunity.” 

“They wanted him, they would’a waited,” he insisted. “Everythin’ went to crud that year. Startin’ with him, and then you bein’ Soopreme Leader, and after Numbuh 2 lost his dad and—” Wally stopped. “We all went a bit nuts let’s just put it that way.” 

“No way Nigel could’a known any’a that was gonna happen. How could he?” 

Wally was quiet. “He could’a said goodbye.” 

“He did.” 

Wally huffed. “Well, he could’a done a better job of it.” 

“You can tell’m that when you see’m.” 

“Yeah, if I don’t strangle him first.” Wally exhaled deeply. “Numbuh 5, I gotta ask...before I forget all this happened.” He adjusted himself a bit, his bum starting to get hot. “I forgot what I was gonna ask.” 

“I think I got a truth,” Abby said. “Ain’t so sure what it is quite yet, but it’s there. You know what I mean?”

Wally nodded. “Fly fly awayyy,” he tried very poorly to sing. “No, that ain’t right. I forgot.” 

But Abby simply stared into the sky. She could see little flecks of gold rising around her. Her mouth opened. 

“Why you wanna fly, Blackbird?  
You ain’t ever gonna fly  
Why you wanna fly, Blackbird?  
You ain’t ever gonna fly  
Ain’t no room enough for holdin’  
All those tears you gonna cry” 

“I forgot you sang,” Wally said, his head lying in the sand. 

Abby tried to turn her head, but it was so heavy she had trouble. “I forget sometimes too.” 

Abby felt the warm sand in her hair, the hot sun on her skin. The sky was so blue like a gemstone. The particles in the air formed geometric shapes that flowed in and out of each other like an animal breathing. Like the sky was breathing. She lifted her hand, the vibrations giving her the illusion of brushing fingers against atoms and molecules, the very fabric of the universal tapestry. Her other hand felt the sand, every grain molding around her. Laid to rest, she thought. Encased in gold. A proper burial. 

“You know what?” Wally said after a while, his words slurring more than usual. “I think I finally understand the Beatles.” 

Abby slapped her hand over her palm, laughing. 

“What?” 

She didn’t stop laughing. 

He shook his head back and forth. “Nah nah nah nah! Trippin’ in the sand!” 

“Sometimes,” Wallabee said, kicking his feet. “Sometimes I think I should just be high all the time. Cause if I were high all the time, I wouldn’t be a disappointment. I’d just be high.” 

“You’re not a disappointment,” Abby said, also sitting up. 

“Up until this point, I didn’t know what to do with my future. I wanted...I wanted to marry Kuki but that was it. I didn’t know what job to get or what life to live. I didn’t know, and I didn’t wanna know, you know?” 

“Mmm.” 

“I ain’t so smart, and I ain’t so dumb. I thought this mission’d give me a life purpose. Fuck, even the Toiletnator’s got a life purpose. And whaddo I got? I got a country-fried brain and a doomed relationship. I’m like a golden crisp.” 

“You and Kuki ain’t doomed. Don’t ever say that again.” 

“All high school relationships are doomed. It’s in the...statistics...” 

“Well, statistically speakin’ you n’ Kuki were never supposed’ta see each other again at all. So fuck statistics.” 

“Yeah! Fuck statistics! I never even went to that class!” 

“I dunno bout life purposes, but if it wasn’t for you our team would’a totally fallen apart after Nigel left. You’re the one who kept everyone together. Insisted we do group outings n’ stuff. Kept me from reelin’ back too far.” She groaned. “I still reeled back too far, but not so far cause I got reeled back in and that’s why we’re here now.” 

“Ugh. I went all mushy, didn’t I?”

“You were always mushy.” She poked his stomach. “Mushy gushy lovey dovey wovey!” 

“Stop!” he whined. “That’s harassment! I’m gonna sue you...” 

“Promise to tell me again,” he said, his head now on her lap. “Tell me when I forget about Numbuh 1, okay?” 

“Promise.” 

“No secret keepin’.” 

Abby stopped for a moment. “There’s gotta be some secret keepin’.” 

“Why?” 

“Cause...cause it ain’t right goin’ around blabbin’ other people’s secrets to people, even if they are friends. Got it? So you gotta promise me you won’t pry into no more secrets if I promise to tell’m to ya.” 

He stuck his nose up. “I’ll promise now but I won’t remember.” 

“But I’ll tell you all about Numbuh 1. As much as you wanna hear.” 

“...you didn’t love him or nothin’...did ya? Like love love.” 

“That ain’t what Numbuh 5 meant.” 

“Oh, come on!” he cried. “Just tell me. You nevah told me!!” He looked up at her, gasping. “Your hair has sparkles in it.” 

“It’s sand.” 

“Nah nah nah nah. Hair caught in the sand.” 

They both forgot the previous conversation topic. 

It was about another hour before Leoor found them in the desert, their bright light drowning out any and all shadow. 

“Hey!” Wally tried to grab them. “It’s the shiny thing.” 

“Did you find what you were looking for?” 

“I found blue,” Wally said. He grabbed Abby. “N’I found this one right here. I’m gonna keep’r.” 

“I got sand all up everywhere.” 

“Glad you had fun,” they smiled. “Let’s retire to the temple. You both did wonderfully.” 

“Hey!” Abby jumped with only her bottom, excited. “Numbuh 4! We did it! We did the trippy thing and we passed the test and we’ll fix the recommissioning module and save Earth!” 

“Speak for yourself!” he said. “I’m a natural. Leoor told me so.” 

They returned to the temple, their pupils still dilated. Leeor sat them next to each other in the sanctuary, where they spent the rest of their experience silently gazing into the tile work on the ceiling. It as though there was nothing to do, nowhere to go, that all the structures that be were dissolved and they were sitting in the oneness of time and space. Abby would recall later, as Wally’s head nestled into his shoulder, that he said something about dying. But at this point, to live or die was just the same. 

When they came down, they were given water and a stick of Cinnamon. 

“Look. We did it,” Wally said, waving the stick around. “You did your first trip.” 

“First and last,” Abby stated. 

“You sure?” 

“Abby can figure out their own truths from now on.” 

It was at that point that Wally forgot what had happened almost entirely, but somehow Abby remembered bits and pieces. She remembered colors and shapes, and some kind of deep resolve had come over her. As though she knew she was, for the first time in a long while, in the right place at the right time doing the right thing. 

“Thanks for sharin’ the experience with me,” she told Wally. 

“Don’t get all sappy on me now. I was just startin’ta respect you.” 

Suddenly, there were loud stamps marching in as a frazzled Henrietta, covered head to toe in sand, stomped into the room. Her eyes were blood-shot, wide-open. 

Abby grinned. “How’d it go?”

“Mph,” She huffed sitting her butt down on the cold tile. 

Leoor gave Henrietta her well-earned Cinnamon, but she was still too upset to really register. 

“The Cinnamon has placed a heavy burden on you,” Leoor told her. 

“Yeah, vatever,” she griped. “I’m moving half-vey across ze galaxy.” 

Leoor approached Wally then. 

“Wallabee Beatles,” they said. “Could we speak a moment in private?” 

Wally wasn’t quite sure how to respond to this, but he nodded and left the two remaining humans alone to talk. They didn’t at first, but after enough space had made things awkward, Henrietta finally spoke. 

“So. Vat did you see?” 

“I don’t remember most of it,” Abby admitted. “But I think I know what I gotta do now.” She looked at her friend. “Startin’ with you. I know I ain’t been the best friend to you these last few years.” 

“Understatement of ze century.” 

“But I care about you, Henie. I want you to know that.” 

Henrietta smiled, relaxing a bit. “Offer still stands. You und I. A whole Universe full of candy never before tasted by humans. We could leave right now und never look back.”

“You know I can’t do that.” 

She smiled knowingly. “Vell, vas vorth ein shot.” 

“It was fun, though. Hey, now you got that Spice, maybe I can come visit you on your private planet.”

“He isn’t invited.” She pointed at Wally. 

“You know, I think deep down, you actually do want to be friends with us.” Abby nudged her. “You just won’t admit it.”

“Friends vith’zem?” She scoffed. “Don’t make me laugh, Abigail.” 

On the ride back from the temple, Henrietta drove. Wally sat shot-gun, and Abby went to the back to be on lookout. 

“Aren’t you going to ask?” Henrietta posed to Wally, who was staring out the window with his feet annoyingly propped up on the dashboard. 

“Ask what?” 

“Vat I saw.” 

This surprised him. “I thought you didn’t wanna talk about it?” 

“I am curious as to vat you saw,” Henrietta said. “Ze mind of Wallabee Beatles must be ein interesting place.” 

“Just a bunch’a past-life junk,” he said. “Nothin’ helpful.” 

Henreitta was quiet. “I saw ze future.”

“What was it like?” 

“I don’t know. But zere vas green. Ein lot of green.” 

The car bumped over a sand pit. The candy hunter barely reacted. 

“Do not tell Abigail. She may read into it.” 

That was when Abby popped her head in. “Don’t tell me what?” 

Wally looked at Henrietta. “Nothin’.” 

“Hey Wally,” she said. “Come sit back with me a sec?” 

The two of them sat in the back of the car. She waited until they were comfortable, then she proceeded to tell him what he always wanted to hear: the truth about Numbuh 1. She said they had a lot of time, and they did, she she managed to get through the majority of the story, even the unsavory parts. By the end, Wally was stunned. He didn’t know where to go from there. 

“So. That’s it.” 

She closed her eyes, feeling the hot sun’s rays start to cool. After a while, she spoke again. 

“They say you don’t know what you got till it’s gone, right?” She smiled with only her lips. “It ain’t true. I knew what I had, enough to know it wasn’t gonna last. It’s like the whole world’s tellin’ you to let go, but for some reason you just can’t. And you sit there wonderin’ if it’s you or the world that’s lost their mind.” 

“Fuck the world.” Wally said, taking Abby’s hand gently. “I believe in you.” 

She looked at him with kind eyes. “I know. You always did.” 

They rode into the setting star, like an old western. 

“What did Leoor want to talk to you about?” 

“You know what? Let’s just enjoy the sunset.” 

Location: Dystal City 

Back in Dystal City, the car parked in front of the club where they had been before. The sky was tar black once again, music blaring. Abby missed the peaceful dessert, but she knew they would soon be on their ship to the G:KND soon. 

She checked her pocket and pulled out the small hard surface. She froze. 

“What’s ze matter, Abigail? Missing something?” 

In her hand was a twig. 

She turned to Henrietta, who was standing on top of the car, grinning at her waving around a bag with the Cinnamon sticks. So that was the game, huh? 

“Very funny, Heinie. Give it back.” 

“I don’t know vat you are talking about.” 

“You want me to come up there?” 

Henrietta jumped down from the car. “I’ll make it easy for you.” 

Abby cocked her neck. “You gotta do this every time, don’t you?” 

Wally gasped. “Are you gonna fight? Yes! I mean oh no.” 

“Please, it won’t be a fight,” Abby chuckled. “I can kick your ass twenty different ways, Heinie. You know you ain’t got no chance.” 

“Neither do you,” a voice said. 

Abby’s heart stopped. 

“You never had a chance.” 

She slowly spun around, seeing a figure come out of the bar, their body encased in shadow.

“Maurice.”

END TRANASMISSION.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Listen to "Blackbird" by Nina Simone here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=139fXzrRjyc


	11. S.C.R.A.M.B.L.E.D.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Abby's convictions puts her at odds with the Teens Next Door, who resort to extreme measures to keep her in line.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warning: Realistic Violence

Now Loading...

Code: [RESTRICTED]

Operation: S.C.R.A.M.B.L.E.D.

Socially  
Conscious  
Respected   
Agents  
Made  
Bitchy   
Leaving   
Everyone   
Despondent 

Written by OfficiallyWrong with Properties owned by Tom Warburton  
and Cartoon Network

Episode 17

Location: Dystal City 

“Maurice.” 

“Abby,” Maurice reached his hand out toward her hesitantly, but Abby was too focused on the woman in front of her to listen. 

“I am sorry, Abigail,” Henrietta said. “But zey made me ein offer I couldn’t refuse.” She turned to Maurice. “You have it, da?” 

Maurice sighed, tossing her a glowing bag. “Here. Gummy glow worms from the saccharide caves of district 9. Just as you asked.” 

“Heinie, you double crossin’-” she whispered. 

“Oh, come now. Don’t be ein sourpatch,” the woman pretended to be sympathetic. “Here. Try ein glow worm.” The long, slimy creature waved in front of Abby’s face as she swatted it away. Henrietta shrugged. “Suit yourself.” She slurped the wiggling worm down her throat. “You’ve been ein very bad little girl, haven’t you, Fräulein? Mein lieb? A traitor? I am so proud, I almost feel bad for leaving you like zis. But, as zey say, so ist das leben. I’m sure you understand.” 

“Are you kidding me?!” Wally shouted from behind her. “She sold us out for bloody candy!” 

Abby’s eyes were steeped with rage. “Of course she did.” 

Henrietta stood in front of Abby, tracing her thumb beneath her lip. “You really should have seen zis coming,” she finally said as she grabbed the girl’s chin. “You know I’d do anything for sugar...” She brushed her lips on the side of Abby’s, kissing her goodbye. “Auf Wiedersehen!” She called as she waved back, starting to exit the scene. “Oh. Und thanks for zis.” The bag of Cinnamon swung back and forth in her hand. “I’ll think of you always.” 

“Hey!” Wally pushed forward. “Come back here, Bitch! We helped you get that! Where’s our cut?!” 

Henrietta smiled, turning back to him. “Oh. I don’t think you vill be needing it any longer. As you say in your country, Abigail. So long. Farewell und Goodbye.” 

Wally tried to go after her, but Abby grabbed his arm. He stopped noticing Abby’s eyes firmly locked on Maurice. 

“Abby-” He started. 

“Get lost,” she snarled. 

“Abby, I had to-” 

“You hired a bounty hunter?” she hissed. “And Henrietta of all people!” 

“It was the fastest way to reach you,” he said. “I had to stop you before this got out of hand.” 

“Abby was just fine till you showed up.” 

“Abby. Enough is enough,” he stated. “It’s time to go back.” 

But Abby just grimaced. “You stay the fuck away from me.” 

“Please. I don’t want-” 

“I said stop!” She shouted. “Just leave me alone, Maurice.” 

“It’s not a suggestion. You’ve gone way too far this time, Abby,” his voice was firmer. “Either you come with me freely, or I’ll take you back myself.” 

“Fuck that!” Wally shouted. “She’s not goin’ anywhere with you!” 

“You’re coming too, Teenager,” he said, his eyes stern on Abby’s. “All of you are.” 

Abby suddenly realized what was going on. She gripped Wally tighter, yanking him with her as she sprinted down the alleyway. She heard Maurice calling her name, but she didn’t stop running. Every turn, every corner, up the wall, over the trash cans, she didn’t stop. Putting her hand on her ear, she called into the communication device she had left behind for the others. 

“Numbuh 2! Numbuh 3!” 

Hoagie felt his ear buzzing, his hair blowing from the wind on his motorbike. Kuki was behind him, holding on. He put a hand to the ear piece, listening closer. 

“Numbuh 2!” Abby’s voice rang over the airwaves. She was out of breath and desperate. “Numbuh 3!” 

“Abigail. What’s-” 

“The TND! They hired Heinie to track us! They’re here in the city!” she shouted. 

Hoagie scowled. “Shit. Are you serious?” 

“Is Numbuh 3 with you?” 

He checked back at Kuki’s concerned face. “Y-yeah she is but-” 

“Take her and get out of town,” she said. “Get as far away as you can! Do not stop! Whatever you do, do not-mphhh!” A muffled noise came into his ear. 

“Abby?” But he couldn’t hear anything. “Abby!” 

“Hoagie?” Kuki asked. “What’s going on? What’s happening?”

“Hoagie Gilligan and Kuki Sanban,” a different voice was now speaking. “This is the Teens Next Door. Please dismount your vehicle and come peacefully...” 

Hoagie knew better than to respond. 

Even further back, he could hear Wally shouting profanities in the distance. Shit. The voice returned. “Abigail Lincoln and Wallabee Beatles are in our custody. Please surrender or we will have no choice but to-” Hoagie tore off the ear piece, throwing it onto the street. 

“Fuck!” 

“What?!” Kuki gasped. 

“It’s the TND. They’ve found us...” He said. “They’ve already got Wally and Abigail. We have to get out of the city and find a place to hide! Take out your ear piece. They can track you through the airwaves.” 

Kuki did this, dropping it in the road. “We can’t leave!” she shouted. “If they’ve been captured, we have to go back and save them!” 

“Kuki! There’s no time!” He yelled back. 

Suddenly, a dark shadow passed over their heads, nearly blocking out the already black sky. The tiny lights were the only thing that gave away its location as a large spaceship flew overhead. 

“Oh, no,” Hoagie whispered. 

“M-M-Maybe it’s not them?” Kuki said, hopefully. 

“Freeze!” A loud voice shouted as three motorcycles came barreling down the street straight towards them. 

“That’s definitely them!” Hoagie exclaimed. 

Kuki screamed. “What do we do?!” 

“Hang on!” Hoagie skid the bike into a U-turn, the rubber scarring the asphalt. Realizing he was then going the opposite way in a one-way traffic lane, he jumped the bike onto the concrete meridian, balancing it ever so carefully on the narrow path as he rode. 

“That. was. Amazing!” Kuki squealed, unable to contain herself. 

But all Hoagie could think was: 

Don’t fall. Don’t fall. Oh God this was a terrible idea. 

The other bikes were coming up behind him, one jumping onto the meridian as well. 

“Hoagie?!” Kuki leaned off to the side.

“Kuki! Don’t do that! You’ll knock us over!” Hoagie screamed at her. 

She sat up. “Sorry!” She looked back with just her head. “They’re still behind us!”

“Do you have your gun?” he asked. 

“Yeah, but we’re going so fast I can’t see!” she said. “And it’s dark!” 

“That’s okay. Shoot at the lights. It’ll slow them down.” 

“Roger that!” She said, pulling out the gun. They were still behind her, so she couldn’t see too well. “Hey, Hoagie. I’m gonna try something. Don’t turn or anything.”

“What are you-” 

Her legs started to wiggle as she rose to her feet. She breathed heavily. She had seen Abby jump on cars, fly off of roofs, and crash vehicles. If she were here, those guys would be taken out in no time. But...She clenched her empty fist, determined. She wasn’t. It was up to her. Her whole body shook as she folded her legs over the moving bike, straddling it just like when she was on the pyramid. 

Just like a lift. 

She flipped her body over so that she was facing the back of the bike, her spine right against Hoagie’s. She panted and wheezed, catching her breath. “Alright! I can see them now!” She grinned wildly. “Let’s show these fuckers how to play paintball!” she shouted. 

Hoagie laughed. “Kuki, you’re amazing!” 

Boom! She shot the bike on the meridian. It hit the wheel. Splat! Shot again. This time it hit the headlight, the bike swerving and falling into the road. “Sorry!” Kuki said with an apologetic wave. Another bike came flying at them, almost parallel, a large stick-like weapon in the driver’s hand. Kuki screamed shooting at him. She missed. They swung at her, but Hoagie jumped the meridian onto the street, getting around them so Kuki could get a good shot at their back. Paralyzed, they couldn’t control the bike and it fell to the ground. 

Hoagie looked around, noticing a highway exit. Kuki continued to shoot as he cut into the exit lane and got off the freeway. 

“You okay?” 

“You fuckers wanna piece of me?! Hahaha!” Kuki was having fun hitting the bikes, remembering the adrenaline she felt from the paintball battle she fought with Abby. “Eat my pussy, Bitches!” 

“Save the ammo!” Hoagie said. He noticed another bike coming out on his left, shooting at it. Critical hit. “You have to hold out till we get to the bridge. Think you can?” 

Suddenly, the road started to get steeper and steeper, careening into a large body of water. The bridge Hoagie was referring to, ran parallel to the street they were currently on. However, they had picked up too much momentum and were heading towards the water at rapid speed. Kuki flipped back over to face the front of the bike. 

“Hang on Kuki!” Hoagie cried. She gripped onto him as tightly as she could as the bike got faster and faster. The TND agents were losing control over their vehicles, sliding into the sidewalks, but Hoagie somehow instinctively knew how to balance his weight on the bike. 

“Hoagie!” Kuki screamed, not sure if she was going to live or die. 

“I’m going to throw up!!” He screamed. His gun was back in his holster, one hand on the handlebars, the other on his hat. The bike turned at the last minute, skidding onto the floor. Hoagie’s foot pushed it up, which barely gave him enough momentum to yank the bike back to normal. His speed slowed slightly as he used his free hand to pat Kuki’s arm. “There,” he said looking above him. “If we can make it over the bridge, we can lose them in the desert.” 

“But we have no food in the desert,” Kuki said. “No water. We don’t even have a blanket.” 

“You can use my jacket,” he said. 

“But-” 

“There’s gotta be something out there,” he said. “We don’t need to become locals. We just need enough time to figure out a rescue plan.” 

Kuki gasped. “We’re going back!” 

“Of course we’re going back!” he exclaimed. “We’re a team, aren’t we? Friends don’t leave friends behind.” 

Kuki nodded, little tears in her eyes. She looked around. “I don’t see the bikes anymore.” 

“That doesn’t mean there won’t be more,” Hoagie said. “They could be anywhere.” He slowed the bike even more. “I’m turning out the headlights,” he told her. The street went black as he scooted into an alley way. “Keep your eyes peeled and your finger on that trigger...” he directed in a hushed tone. 

“Gotcha.” 

He rode up the street until they got back onto a main road. He didn’t know how many TND agents had come. The ship that passed over them was huge, meaning there were enough to outnumber them. He knew they were on their way to Mars, though. Which meant even if they couldn’t stop the ship from taking off, they at least knew where they were going. Finally, they could see the bridge. The coast was clear, but Hoagie still told Kuki to stay alert. As they passed over the concrete, very few cars passing. No bikes. That was too strange. There was something lying in the middle of the road, but Hoagie was too far away to make out what it was. It didn’t take long for the image to register, though, as he realized the fatal mistake he was about to make. 

Lying there in the street, was a red cap. 

“It’s a trap!” He shouted as he spun the bike around, but the barricade was already coming up in front of him. “Oh fuck.” A blast fired, taking out the back wheel. The bike skidded and slid out from under them, crashing into the side. Hoagie dove over Kuki, blocking her body from being scratched by the impact. His hat fell off of his head as he got to his knees. “Are you okay, Kuki?” 

“Uh-huh,” she said, a bit shaken. 

“Let’s go!” an unknown voice huffed. 

A hand reached out, grabbing the girl by the arm. It seemed to come out of nowhere. “No! Lemmie go!” She screamed as she tried to yank away. “Get your dirty stinky hands off of me!” Hoagie tried to help her but was swiftly knocked to the ground by what felt like a long stick. 

“You have the right to remain silent,” a strong gruff male voice said. “Anything you say or do can and will be used against you.” Hoagie’s face slammed into the concrete, not breaking his goggles or his nose, but making a thick red mark on his forehead. 

“Leave him alone you big bully!” Kuki screeched, practically being lifted off the ground now. 

Hoagie looked up enough to see the seemingly empty road now fade away, as though he were watching a mirage disappear. A large ship, just like the one he saw earlier, hovered above the exit. A cloaking device...of course. He was such an idiot. Abby told him to run, but she was panicked, which made him panic. They should have hidden in the city, or tried another route, or- 

Crack! He felt something lodge itself into his shoulder. He saw Kuki’s feet as she was dragged away towards the ship kicking and screaming. His arms were forced behind his back as he struggled to get free. He wasn’t strong enough. The TND agent kept speaking. 

“You are hereby under the supervision of the Teens Next Door,” he said. “Please do not try to resist. If you resist, we will have to use force...” 

“Kuk-” Wham! His head went back into the concrete. He forced eyes back up to see. Again, his goggles didn’t crack, so he could see with absolute clarity what happened next. Another boy, tall with freckles and curly brunette hair, picked up Abby’s hat, brushing it off. He smiled at him, a kind of weird satisfactory grin. Hoagie felt his wrists being cuffed by thick shackles, ones that took up nearly half of his forearm. The boy walked up to him, still smiling. 

“Oh,” he said. “This is gonna be fun.” 

“Kuki!” Wally called as his girlfriend and proclaimed best friend were thrown into the room. The door slammed behind them, Hoagie’s hat skidding across the floor to the middle of the cell. 

“I’m sorry, Wally...” She said, making her way to him. Her hands were also cuffed the same as his and Hoagie’s. “We didn’t make it.” She shook her head. “We failed.” 

“It’s okay,” he said with a sweet and forgiving smile. “You did your best.” 

“They played dirty!” She cried. “We would’a gotten away if they didn’t have that stupid camouflage!” Her cheeks puffed out. “We were so close too!” 

“It’s my fault,” Hoagie said. 

“It’s not-” Kuki started. 

“Everyone knows that to evade capture, you have to hide in plain sight!” he said. “Not run away like an idiot! I should have known better! I’m such a moron!” His head hung over his chest. “Fucking moron...” 

“Don’t worry about it, Mate,” Wally said. “Really. Shit happens.” 

“What happened to Abby?” Kuki asked. 

Wally’s face grew dispirited. “Some freaks took her to the other end of the ship. They won’t tell me anything.” 

“But these are her friends, aren’t they?” Kuki said, hopefully. “They might be angry at her, but at the end of the day aren’t we all on the same side?” 

“That depends on if they see it that way,” Hoagie said. 

“We weren’t exactly thick as thieves when we left,” Wally added. 

As if on cue, the door to the cell opened. The curly brown-haired boy with freckles Hoagie had seen earlier, came in. He didn’t have a weapon on him, but he wore the same wild grin. A wild, angry, grin. 

“Looks like we caught ourselves a couple’a rats,” he spat. “How do you like your cage, little rats? Comfy enough for you?” 

“Actually, it’s really dusty-” Kuki started, but Wally nudged her with his foot. 

“Where’s Abigail?” Hoagie asked. 

“None of your business, Scrub,” the agent said. 

“Hey. Don’t talk to him like that, Dickweed,” Wally defended from the side. “I think we got every right to know what you fuckers are up to! Now tell us where our friend is!” 

“Your friend?” he laughed derogatorily. “You’re not friends.” 

Wally scowled. “You gotta lotta fuckin’ nerve, sayin’ shit. Actin’ like you’re the goddamn king of the hill.” His teeth sawed together, eroding the enamel. “How about you come here so I can shove my foot up your ass!” 

“Wally!” Kuki gasped. She turned back to the agent. “H-he didn’t mean that. We don’t want any trou-” 

“Oh, I meant it!” Wally yelled, standing to his feet. “You think just you’re in some elitist club you get to spit all over us! Fuck you! Abby’s our friend and you assholes better not do anything to her!” 

A fist grabbed the collar of Wally’s jacket, shoving him into the wall. He winced, but it wasn’t enough to actually hurt him. “Listen, you little Shit-Dick. I was sent in here to put you fuckers in your place. So shit down, shut up, and do as you’re told.” 

“Why don’t you put a cock in it?” Wally spat in the agent’s face. “We’re not gonna do a thing you say until you tell us where she is!” 

He slammed him harder into the wall. “You think we want anything from you?” he derided. “A bunch of fuckin’ Teenagers? You little shits ruin everything for everyone and then demand respect? Go fuck yourself.” 

“Wally-” Kuki tried again, but her voice didn’t reach him. 

“You’re the ones who ran away like little bitches! Who’s the coward now, huh?” he got in the agent’s face. “Ooh, I’m the TND. I’m afraid of a bunch’a bloody children...” 

“You wanna go, Asshole?” His fists were now almost in Wally’s neck. He struggled, but the agent was strong. “Let’s go. I’ll kick your ass twenty times over! Teach you a thing or two about humility!” 

“I’d like to see you try!” Wally jeered. His foot slammed on Wally’s, causing him to cry out in agony. “Fuck!” 

“What’s the matter, Teenager?” the boy sneered. “I thought you wanted to fight. Well, come on...fight!” He lifted Wally up further, who was starting to hesitate. “Fight me you little Chicken-Shit!” 

“That’s not a fight,” A quiet voice said from the other side of the room. Hoagie sat, his head slightly higher than before. He wasn’t looking at the scene, but off to the side somewhere. 

“You say something, Freak?” the agent said. 

Hoagie sighed with derision. “It’s not a fight if he can’t fight back.” 

The brunette scoffed. “And so, what? You want me to let him go so I can make it even? Is that it?” His lips curved upward. “Like I’m that fucking dumb.” 

“I just thought you people would have a little more dignity,” Hoagie said, still not looking at him. “Beating the shit out of a defenseless guy. Where do you get off?” 

“Who the fuck are you calling defenseless?” Wally spouted. 

“Shut up, Wally. It doesn’t matter how strong you are. If you’re beating on someone with a handicap, that makes you the asshole,” Hoagie stated, almost too bluntly. 

“H-Hoagie what-” Kuki started, but stopped as she saw the agent lower Wally to the ground. 

“What did you fuckin’ say to me?” 

“How about you learn the rules before you start calling us disrespectful,” Hoagie’s eyes finally made their way to the boy. They were sharp, unwavering, dark, and expectant. 

“Shut the fuck up, Gilligan!” Wally shouted at him. “Hey! Your fight is with me! Don’t look at him!” 

“And you call yourselves heroes,” Hoagie made his landing blow. 

The fists dropped Wally back to the ground, slowly and as gently as they could. The shadow now longer towered over Wally’s body, moving now over Kuki’s, towards something else. “Hey! Fuck-tard!” He kept trying. “Don’t fucking ignore me! Get back here and-” 

A right hook flew through the air, right into Hoagie’s cheek. Wham! Its force was enough to knock him into the wall, causing him to hit his head. Wally stopped. Everything stopped. His body, without him realizing, was starting to shake as he fell back onto his knees, petrified. His eyes followed the punch straight to his friend’s face, widening with fear and awe. 

Hoagie P. Gilligan Jr., the receiver of the assault, didn’t flinch. 

Not even a twitch. 

He used his shoulder to wipe some spit from his chin, watching with guarded expectation as the darkening shadow loomed over him. Two fists grabbed his collar, slamming him back into the wall. 

Still, not a twitch. 

Wally then realized that even if he wanted to, there was no way he could have taken that hit. 

He collapsed, unable to move. 

“You wanna take the moral high ground, Bitch?” A foot rammed into Hoagie’s crotch. This time, he cried out. “You think you deserve it after what you put us through? You bet your fuckin’ ass we’re heroes! I don’t see you out there fighting! You think just cause you met some crazy bitch and she told your you’re special, that makes you better than me? Huh, Tubby? You think you could do what we do? You fucking loser!” 

“S-stop it! Leave him alone!” Kuki tried, but it didn’t work. 

“What? Can’t talk now?” He spat in Hoagie’s face. “Don’t have any more fancy words?” 

Hoagie coughed, blood now trickling down his chin from where he had bit his tongue being pushed against the wall. Still, his eyes were undaunted. “You...didn’t want our help,” he finally said. “We wanted to work with you, but you kicked us to the curb. Wally is right. You’re a bunch of elitist assholes.” 

A pair of strong fingers laced themselves into his hair, yanking his head back. “You don’t know fuck from all, you Adult-loving prick.” He pulled harder, Hoagie instinctively reaching to pry him off. The foot went into his stomach. Again. And again. And again. 

But Hoagie’s voice didn’t quiver. His body didn’t shake. “I know that you delete operative’s memories after they turn thirteen,” he said. “I know it’s because you’re afraid of being betrayed so you tell yourselves it’s the right thing to do. But it’s not. It’s evil.” 

Wally didn’t understand. Why was he doing this? 

“What gives you the right to decide a child’s future?!”

Wham! Hoagie’s head went back into the wall. 

“To take away their childhoods-” 

Whack! 

“...it’s wrong...” 

Smack! Hoagie was thrown back down onto the ground, the fists finally leaving his collar. “Quit talkin outta your ass,” he hissed. “You’re one of them. How could you possibly understand?” The brunette agent’s eyes moved from him, back to Wally, who at this point was on the floor, almost hiding behind Kuki, who was in turn trying to hide behind him. He snarled at them, watching them quiver. 

Wally felt ashamed. 

He was scared. Shaken down to his core. He couldn’t move. More than anything, he was thinking: Please don’t come over here. Please don’t come over here. And that made him feel even more ashamed. He talked a big game. He picked fights all the time at school. He thought he was pretty tough and other people seemed to think so too. That was his thing. At school, nobody wanted to mess with him. Nobody looked at him with even a hint of stink in their eye. This, though. This was different. He looked over at Hoagie. He was panting at this point, but his eyes were still right where they started. Glaring. Not a wince. It didn’t make sense. Hoagie Gilligan, the big goofy nerd he always poked fun at, was braver than he was. And it pissed him off. He wanted to scream. He wanted to kick that asshole TND agent, tell him to get off, to fight him. But he didn’t. He couldn’t. He would just end up losing. 

“Where’s Abigail?” Hoagie said again, as if to draw attention away from the others. 

“Jesus. You don’t know when to quit, do you?” the agent crossed his arms. 

“Where’s. Abigail.” 

The boy’s large left hand clasped itself over Hoagie’s mouth. His fingers spread like a web on his face, blocking the air passage through his nose. 

Wally gasped, swallowing it as much as he could immediately in embarrassment. 

“Alright, you fat Turd,” the agent said. “You wanna know so bad? You think you’re so close? What, you have a little crush on her? You thinking with your dick?” Hoagie started to squirm, losing air. “Think you’re gonna be a hero and save the girl? Like this is some kind of fantasy? Well, it’s not, Dipshit. There are real people in real danger. This ain’t no fantasy. And I got news for you, you ain’t no hero.” Hoagie’s neck twisted, trying to pull himself away from the death grip. His leg finally lifted, kicking the agent off of him. The impact was enough for the agent to let go as Hoagie gasped for breath, coughing even more. 

“Y-you...” he said breathily. “You people...” He inhaled deeper. “Make...me sick. At least the TEENZ...at least they don’t pretend to be equalists.” 

“H-Ho-” Wally tried. 

“You made her feel worthless...” His breath had steadied now, but his words were softer, and he choked through them like he was at a funeral. “Her...of all people...” 

Wally’s face fell. 

“Making her think her life isn’t worth anything. Just because she’s not a kid anymore!” And then, Hoagie started to twitch with rage. Only then. “Who the hell do you think you are?!” 

The agent flinched. 

“I’ll never forgive you,” he growled. “Even if I get my memories back! Even if I remember why I’ll still never forgive-” 

Wham. The agent’s foot went straight back into Hoagie’s stomach. There was a long deathly silence as both parties waited for the other. Hoagie’s head was finally down over the agent’s leg. His eyes closed. And the agent’s foot pushed into the boy’s gut, his eyes less wild now. They were more reflective, but still angry. 

“Fucking teenagers,” he finally spat. “It’s because of people like you that people like Father exist.” He yanked his foot off of Hoagie’s stomach, spitting on him as he walked away. As soon as he exited the cell, Hoagie got to his knees, coughing like crazy. There were no tears in his eyes, but his face was red. He swallowed as much as the fluid he could to prevent it from coming up like puke.

After a little while, he stopped. “Wally...you okay?” 

And if the door hadn’t opened again at that moment, Wally was certain he would have burst out into tears. 

But it did. And he didn’t. 

Hoagie lifted his eyes to see a figure standing in the doorway. He sat up as the others leaned back on their legs. 

“Maurice...” he said.

Wally, however, was not pleased. The tension in his body began to reemerge as he looked at him. “What is this, some kinda good cop-bad cop thing?” he snarled. 

“Of sorts,” Maurice said. 

“Maurice,” Hoagie tried again. “Where’s Abigail? Is she okay? What are they-” 

Maurice put a hand up to stop him. This worked as Hoagie sat back like the others. “I’m sorry, but I can’t answer any of those questions right now.” 

“You fucking prick,” Wally grimaced. “You sold her out.” 

“I’m protecting her from her own stupidity,” Maurice stated, sterner. “I told her not to go after you, she did it anyway. I told her not to go after Nigel, she did it anyway. And now it’s too late to do anything to help her. The least I could do was prevent her from making a terrible mistake.” 

“You’re sayin’ savin’ us was a mistake?” Wally hissed. 

“It was one of them, yes.” 

“What?!” Wally’s rage was back at full-force now. 

“Maurice, listen,” Hoagie intervened. “Abigail was just trying to help us get our families back. None of this is her fault-” 

“Abby went against a direct order from her superior. She disclosed confidential information with non-TND personnel, and then lied about it. And then made you lie about it. To me.” He sighed. “Under any other circumstances she would have been immediately decommissioned. You understand that, don’t you?” 

“Yes, but-” 

“Abigail is being interrogated by her sector leader. A decision of what to do will be made after it is over.” 

Kuki tried to speak up. “Can we see-” 

“No.” He crossed his arms as Kuki wilted. “If she hadn’t told you who you were, we could have avoided this. We could have found some other way.” 

“W-what do you mean?” Kuki asked. “I thought you said she wasn’t going to be decommissioned.” 

“I did,” he said. “I was talking about you.” 

Abby groaned, her head filled with a thick fog. Sounds moved in and out of her head in an echo, as though they were hundreds of feet away down a long corridor. Slowly, her eyelids raised, feeling the bright light shine. She tried to move, but her arms were fastened behind her back as she sat in the chair. As he opened her eyes, the first thing she saw was a hand, slamming itself on the table. 

“Abigail!” The voice rang all around her. She lifted her head further to see the arm the hand was attached to, tracing it up to a pair of angry brown eyes, thin face, and a short stack of red hair. 

“V-Vicki...” she said in recognition. 

“What the hell were you thinking?” Her superior snapped. 

“Vick I-”

“I told you not to go after Nigel Uno!” she shouted. “I deliberately stated that contact with the G:KND was not an option. Not only did you disobey me, but you pulled those Teenagers in?! I can’t believe you would be this stupid!” 

That’s when Abby finally woke up. “Wally...Wally. Vicki! Where’s-” 

“Your team has been taken into custody,” Vicki stated. “Standard procedure has been enacted.” 

“Standard procedure?” Abby blinked. “What do you m-” She stopped, Vicki’s raising brows telling her everything she needed to know. Her breath shortened. “N-No.” She could barely speak, her mouth getting dry. “No, not that. Anything but that.” 

“I have to, Abigail. It’s procedure.” 

“No!” Abby started to find her voice. “Vicki, you can’t!” 

“It isn’t up to me,” the girl said sternly. “And even if it was, you wouldn’t have given us much of a choice.” 

“No...no...please...” Abby shook her head frantically. “Not-” 

“Scramblification?” The word felt strange on Hoagie’s tongue. 

“What is that?” Kuki asked. 

Maurice was now facing them, still standing, taking notes on some kind of touch pad. “I suppose, since you aren’t going anywhere, I may as well tell you. We can’t afford to have the information you know get into the wrong hands. Typically, this would mean decommissioning. But once an operative is out of the system, we no longer have their DNA. The DNA of TND agents is placed in a code module, so they can be decommissioned at any time. You, however, were decommissioned and the failsafe of the system means you cannot be re-entered. So more drastic measures need to be taken.” 

Wally’s head hurt. “Scramblific-arian-ation-” 

“Scramblification. Brain Scramblification. It is a procedure which de-links the connective brainwave patterns that allow for conscious thought,” Maurice explained. “Father can’t hack your minds for information if he can’t follow a cohesive train of ideas. You’ll still be alive, but...” He looked at them sorrowfully. “Not the same.” 

“Is that what you did to Monty?” Hoagie sneered. “Number Zero? It wasn’t enough for you to take the memories of his son, you had to scramble his brain too?” 

“Numbuh 0 requested the memories be removed,” Maurice said. “That was the Galactic Kids Next Door’s doing. We had no part in it. Their technology exceeds our own.” He sighed. “If we send you back to Earth, our position will be compromised. If we keep you here, Abigail try to find her way back to you. You have become a liability and must be taken care of.” 

“Vicki...” Abby pleaded. “Come on. You can’t do this-” 

“What did you think was going to happen, Abby?” Vicki snapped. “When you went on this little adventure, when you broke our most important rule and told them who they were?!” 

Abby bit her lip. 

“Yeah. I know about that,” Vicki said. “And then you went to the Delightful Children’s Mansion, stole a spaceship, and the broken recommissioning module! Broke the barrier before we even had a chance to move! Father sent one of his lackeys to chase after you!” 

“It was just the Toiletnator.” 

“I don’t care, Abby!” Vicki shouted. “He was tracking you! Following you to the Galactic Kids Next Door Headquarters! You were going to lead him right to them!” 

Abby scoffed. “If you’re so afraid of them, why wouldn’t Father be?” 

“No. Cut the sass,” Vicki said. “You put our entire mission at risk. You told them who they were!” 

“I didn’t! They...kinda...figured it out...on their own...” 

“I should have taken care of this back on Earth. I should have tracked you down and made you come with me instead of letting you wander off. You want to know why we don’t trust you, Abigail? This is why!” 

“Okay. I’m sorry,” Abby said. “I’m sorry I didn’t follow orders. I should have gone with you to Mars and left Nigel alone. I know. But they had nothing to do with any of that! They just followed me because I told them I’d help. They’re innocent. Please don’t do this!” 

“You gave Hoagie Gilligan a recommissioning module,” she stated. “Access to our most ancient and complex technology!” 

“I know, I’m sorry. But he can fix it. And then we can recommission the KND and-” 

“Abigail. Do you remember what happened last time an Adult got ahold of a recommissioning module? Do you realize what you could have done?” 

“I’ll go back to Mars with you.” 

“Abigail.” 

“I’ll sit down and shut up! I’ll be good! I’ll do anything you want just please! Please don’t do this to them! They don’t deserve this! Vicki! Please!” 

“I can’t take that risk.” 

“They’re not spies!” 

“No, they’re not,” Vicki said. “But everyone has their price. They aren’t one of us, so that means they’re willing to pay it.” 

“You’re wrong,” Abby replied. “They’re loyal. They’re good. They just want to save their families-” 

“Exactly!” Vicki shouted. There was a long, arduous pause. “Father knows about the TND.” 

Abby’s eyes widened. “He knows. Because of what I-” 

“No, Abby,” Vicki hugged herself, her tight blue shirt lifting up into the air. “He’s known for a long time. When we sent our ships out after you left, he attacked and captured almost two thirds of our remaining agents. Mars was taken. We have this ship and the few that escaped the battle. That’s it.” She sank down onto the table, sitting across from Abby. “Everything we’ve done, everyone we’ve tried to protect, he’s just been toying with us, waiting for his chance to take us out.” Her eyes grew determined again. “I will not give him that chance.” 

“But...” Abby tried to wrap her head around this. “That means my friends-”

“Bait,” Vicki said. “All of them. All the disappearances. A trick. All to get us caught. And I was stupid enough to fall for it.” 

“No. Vicki. That ain’t true cause I saw Amber Scott’s name on a list in Father’s sanctum along with data for some kind of brain test—- he’s abducting teenagers! We were right!” 

“Abigail, don’t you get it? It was all a lie! All of it! It’s fake evidence!” 

“What were we supposed to do?” Abby said. “Nothing?” 

“We should have just stayed in our lanes,” she whispered. “We need to start taking things seriously. And that starts with getting you on track.” 

“If we could just fix the recommissioning module,” Abby negotiated. 

“My decision is final.” 

“You can’t make them suffer because of something I did!” Abby screamed. “It’s not fair! You of all people should understand!” 

“You think I should give you special treatment? Just because of how you feel? You don’t think I know how hard this is for you? Of course, I do! We all do! You’re not the only one in the TND who’s lost people they care about!” She yelled, her eyes filling with bitter tears. “But you just couldn’t let go, could you? You just had to try and have your cake and eat it too-” 

“I just-” 

“You thought you were saving them? No.” Vicki’s voice was cold. “You were trying to save yourself.” She sighed. “You were never thinking about them, or their needs. If you were, you would have never brought them out here. Because of your carelessness, I have to be the bad guy in order to fix your mistake. How do you think that makes me feel? Or does that not matter to you?” She stood to her feet. “Loyalty is a two-way street, Abby. This isn’t about feelings, it’s about survival.” 

Abby fell into herself, listening to the words. She was sinking, like quick sand, deeper and deeper into despair. 

“We have a temporary base on Neptune. I will give you until we arrive to decide where you stand. If you haven’t made your decision by then,” she got up and started walking toward the door. “Then maybe you shouldn’t be here.” 

“Can I at least say goodbye?” she asked. 

Vicki held the door handle, exhaling deeply from her chest. “I’m sorry, Abby. But the procedure is already underway. I’m sure by now, they’re already gone.” 

“What the fuck is this bullshit?!” Wally screamed, now standing to his feet. “Abby doesn’t get a punishment, but we get our brains fucked?!” 

But Hoagie’s eyes were wide with shock, locked on the floor. “No. This is her punishment.” 

Kuki trembled, not sure of what to do. “W-wally-” 

“No!” Wally continued to berate. “Fuck this shit! Ain’t you supposed to be the good guys?!” 

Maurice didn’t look up from his pad. “It’s an unfortunate situation but-” 

“Fuck you!” Wally shook his head. “You’re an unfortunate situation!” 

“Wally, stop!” Kuki intervened. She whispered softly to him. “I don’t want that other guy to come back...” 

“Guess it doesn’t matter cause we’re all gonna be DEAD SOON!” Wally griped. 

“I already told you,” Maurice corrected him. “You won’t die. We don’t kill people. You’ll just be...incapacitated.” 

“That’s fucking worse!” 

“Maurice.” Hoagie’s voice was almost at a whisper. “You can’t. This will kill her.” 

“It’ll kill you!” Wally slammed back at him. 

“Incapacitate.” 

“FUCK. OFF.” 

“I’ll do it,” Hoagie said, which startled Maurice. “I’m the one who knows the technology. I’m the one who figured out Abigail’s secret. I’m the reason she’s suffered all these years...” He woke up from his trance. “If you take all of us, she’ll never forgive you. So scramble my brain and let Wally and Kuki go.” 

“Dude!” 

“Hoagie...” 

He wiped the blood from his lip with his shoulder as much as he could. “If it’s punishment, that would be enough, right? You’d free them, wouldn’t you? You’d have to.” 

“Unfortunately, it wouldn’t,” Maurice said before Wally had a chance to get another dig in. “This isn’t just punishment. It’s procedure. You have seen too much, and we can’t afford another betrayal.” 

“But we wouldn’t betray you,” Kuki said. 

“You say that, but...” Maurice’s voice trailed off. 

“So that’s what this is about?!” Wally snapped. “You still don’t fucking trust us? You think we’re gonna run off to Father and tell him about you guys? You’re such pricks!” 

“It’s not about-” 

“Oh I know what it’s about! We’re Teenagers. We don’t understand,” He mocked as he exaggerated his words. “We’re just dumb stupid people who used to be fucking members of the Kids Next Door! But no. We’re no help at all. We’ll just get in your way! You, the great Teens Next Door, are so much better than-” 

Maurice reached down without a word, pulling out what looked to be a narrow pistol. Without hesitation, he stuck the barrel right at Kuki’s head. His eyes were dark as the girl shriveled. 

“H-Hey...What are you?” Wally stepped back.

“Choose,” Maurice said coldly. 

“Leave her alo-” 

“Choose,” He said again. This time he cocked the barrel. Kuki started to shake. 

“Maurice,” Hoagie said. 

“When Father sticks a gun to her head and says choose between her life and your loyalty to the TND. What do you choose?” Maurice glared down at her. 

“You’re bluf-” 

Bang! The gun went off, a ball of raw energy zapping through the air and hitting the wall, inches away from Kuki. “Choose!” Maurice shouted. 

Wally stood there, his body sweating. He couldn’t move or speak anymore. He watched Kuki’s fear-filled face as she too was paralyzed. Sweat trickled down her neck as she stared at the barrel. Maurice brought the gun closer, right to her forehead, which made Wally flinch. 

“I-I...” he tried. Of course he would save Kuki. Of course he would but- 

The gun was taken away as Maurice stepped aside. “That’s what I thought.” 

Wally fell down to his girlfriend’s side, consoling her. But also repeating: “I’m sorry, Kuki. I’m so sorry.” 

“Being a soldier means you have to make a choice,” Maurice said. “Your cause over everything else. Abby has to make that choice. I’m guaranteeing that she makes the right one.” 

“But then it’s not a choice,” Hoagie said, his voice still weak and small. 

That made Maurice stop. 

They knew he knew that. 

He pulled out a walkie-talkie-like device. “They’re ready.” 

The door burst open as the first brunette TND agent came in, with two other lackeys behind him. His face was lit up with excitement. “Time for your therapy, little rats.” Wally and Kuki felt the fear returning to them just by looking at his face. Hoagie, however, just grimaced. “Now, let’s see. Who first?” He scanned all three of their faces. “Eenie, meenie, miney...you.” He grabbed Wally by the shirt, yanking him up. Hoagie and Kuki gasped. 

“Hey! Watch the jacket!” Wally shouted. 

“NO!” Kuki stood up and ran to save her boyfriend but was held back by another TND agent. “No! Let him go! Let him go you jerkface! Let. Him. Go!” But she was being dragged further away from him. 

“Kuki!” He called to her. 

“I’ll kill you! You hear that? I’ll fucking kill you! Get your fucking hands off of him! Don’t you dare touch my Wallybear! I’ll kill you!” She lodged her teeth into the agent’s arm. He made a sound, but didn’t let go. “I’ll eat your fucking flesh! I’ll feed it to my children! I’ll tear you fuckers apart!” She said with her teeth still firmly on his arm. “I’ll kill you! I’ll fucking kill you!” 

“Hey!” Wally managed to shout over her. “Don’t I get a last request or somethin?!” 

The room went silent. The brunette looked at Maurice, who gave a nod of approval. 

“I just want a goddamn cigarette,” Wally said. 

The brunette soured, letting him go. He felt around Wally’s pocket to see if he could find anything. Just as he was about to pull out the box, Wally smirked at him. 

“You gonna stick it in my mouth, big boy?” he said. 

The brunette gave Maurice an angry look, but Maurice shook his head. “Just un-cuff him, Barry.” 

The boy named Barry did this, grumbling. “You better not try anything.” 

“Can I roll a joint?” 

“Maurice!” Barry was starting to get irritated. 

“Let him do it,” Maurice said. 

Wally snarled. “It’s the least you assholes can do...” He pulled out his little bag of alien pot and rolled the paper. With his lighter, which was inside his jacket pocket, he lit the joint, blowing the smoke in Barry’s face. He stepped away from him, only to be yanked back. 

“Hey!” 

“I just wanna say goodbye to my girlfriend!” Wally snapped back. Barry released his jacket as Wally forcefully pulled his body away from the man. He made his way over to his two companions: one in shock, the other sobbing. 

“Hey. Gilligan.” 

Hoagie lifted his head up just enough to see him. “Wally, I-” His voice was soft and light. “I’m so sorry. I-” 

“Quit apologizin’,” the punk interrupted. “You’re always apologizin’ for shit that ain’t your fault. It’s fucking annoying.” 

“I’m so-” Hoagie stopped. “Okay.” 

“And stop tryin’ to throw yourself under the bus all the time,” Wally continued. “Some of us actually wanna keep you around, you know.” 

The look Hoagie gave him in that moment, he had never seen anything like it. Shock, dismay, fear, pride, disbelief, and somewhere beneath it all, joy. Finally, he even smiled. 

“Yeah, well,” he said looking off to the side. “I’ve always been kind of an attention whore...” 

“Nah,” Wally bent down to his level. “You know what you are?” He put his hand into a fist, lightly pushing it across Hoagie’s chin. “A big ol’ hero sandwich.” Hoagie was too stunned to laugh, and instead stared at his friend with wide, shining eyes. 

Then, Wally stood, moving on to his final goodbye. The girl was inconsolable, her chest panting like a dog in the hot sun. Streams of tears flooded down her face. She wouldn’t look up at him. 

“Kuki.” 

She still wouldn’t look up at him. 

“Hey. It’s okay,” he comforted her, brushing her hair back and wiping her tears with his thumb. He took the joint out of his mouth and waved it in front of her. “Here. This’ll help.” She looked at him then, shaking her head, still unable to speak. “It will, I promise. Just go slow.” Kuki opened her mouth and put her lips on the joint, sucking in as much as she could. She coughed, not used to the burning sensation. “Just one more...” Kuki repeated the process coughing even harder. “There we go...” Wally set down his weed, holding her face. Kuki calmed down, although she was still crying. “That’s my brave little Kukiburra.” 

“W-Wally-”

“I know...” He said, continuing to wipe her tears. “But this ain’t the end for us. It sucks that we were cut short this time around, but this ain’t the end. You n’ Me, we got a million other lifetimes to be together.” He put his forehead to hers, cupping his hands behind her ears. “I love the shit out of you.” 

Kuki couldn’t take it, she started to cry harder, burring her head into his chest. All Wally could do was stroke her head. 

“Don’t cry, little girl...” he said. He held her, holding back his own tears. “Don’t cry.” 

A hand fell onto Wally’s shoulder. He didn’t have to say anything. Wally knew what it meant. He let go of his girl, picking up the joint and sticking it in his mouth. 

“No!” Kuki screamed again, finding her voice. As Wally stood and was lead toward the door, she scrambled after him, but was held back by another agent. “No! Please! Don’t take him! Don’t take him...” He disappeared then, saying something, but she missed it. She didn’t even say goodbye. She didn’t say anything. She was left there as the door closed, leaving her alone in the room. 

No. Not alone. 

She ran to Hoagie, burrowing her head in his shoulder. She wailed and screamed and sobbed, unable to control herself. 

Hoagie sighed. “I’m sorry, Kuki.” 

Maurice was standing outside the door, listening to the girl’s cries which even permeated the thick metal walls. His ears curved, his head aching. He turned away from the door, following the others down the hall, knowing he couldn’t listen to it anymore. The boy had stopped fighting and just held the joint in his mouth. Not looking back, not saying a word. 

That was it. They won. 

His stomach started to churn. 

They won. 

Abby hazily walked down the corridor to her cell. The door closed behind her. She didn’t scream. She didn’t cry. She just looked at it. It was metal, she noted. Grey. There were red lights shining above the frame. The whole room was grey. There were no windows. She looked up. The ceiling was high. There was a buzzing coming from above her. The floor shook slightly. It was the engine. She looked down at her arms. They had been kind enough to let her be cuffed in front of her rather than in back. She could do things like make the small bed in the corner. Take off her shoes if she wanted. But they were heavy. The weight of them pushed down on her. That was okay. She wasn’t going anywhere. The walls were soundproof. Not that there was anything to listen for. The cuffs were heavy, she noted again. So heavy...

Falling to her knees, she let them take her to the floor. It was cold, which felt good. The bathroom floor, cool tile, this time metal. She still had her hat. She still had her hat. She still had...Her head hit the floor. Lying there, each second felt like an eternity. Thoughtless. Why even have thoughts? There was no place for thoughts here. Just the floor. Abby. Her hat. The floor. The door-

The door opened. 

Someone entered. 

She didn’t see who it was. 

The door didn’t close. 

Air rushed into her writs as her cuffs snapped open. She didn’t look at them. 

“Come on,” a voice said. “I’m getting you out of here.” 

She knew the voice. As the figure came down to reach for her, she flew over it, knocking it to the floor. She slammed his shoulders down, her elbow right on the neck. Maurice’s struggling face finally came into her view. 

“I don’t want your help,” she growled at him. “Why the fuck do you think I would ever want your help!” 

“Ab-” But Maurice couldn’t speak. He tried to push her off, but she was too strong for him. 

“Why should I go anywhere with you?” Her voice got louder. “Why shouldn’t I just break every single bone in your body? Why shouldn’t I fuck you up so hard people don’t even recognize your fuckin’ face, huh! You liar! You cheater! You asshole! They were innocent!” She panted. “And you...” 

“You d-” 

“No! You don’t get to save me!” The elbow went deeper. “You don’t get to feel better about yourself! You horse shit! You shitbag! You fucking piece of garbage trash! Get out!” Wham! Her elbow smacked him across the face. “Get out!” 

“Abby!” 

“Get out!” 

“Abby, stop!” a girl’s voice shouted. Two arms wrapped themselves around Abby’s waist. “He’s on our side! He helped us escape!” 

Abby sat back. The red in her eyes starting to fade. She turned around to see a pair of squinty brown eyes smiling back at her. 

“Kuki...” 

“Oh, Abby!” She exclaimed, glomping her. “I’m so glad you’re okay!” 

“Kuki,” a strong male voice with an Australian accent shouted into the cell. “You can do that later. We gotta go!” 

Abby turned to Maurice, who was sitting up, rubbing his neck. “Your ship is on the landing bay. I can get you there, but that’s all I can do,” he said. 

“Maurice.” 

“Abby. Come on. We have a short window,” he said, not looking at her. “Can’t waste any time.” 

Kuki helped Abby to her feet. 

“How are we looking?” Maurice called into the hall. 

“Coast is clear,” a third voice, further away said. 

“Alright. Let’s move.” 

Their spaceship was on the other side of the TND’s ship. Maurice’s espionage skills were able to get them around most of the guards, and the ones they did encounter were taken out easily and without causing a scene. It was dark in the hallways they took, but once they reached the landing bay, the bright luminescent ceiling flashed into their eyes. Wally and Kuki were the fastest, so they arrived at the ship first. Once they were there, though, word had gotten out and more soldiers were on their way down. 

“I’ll hold them off,” Maurice said. “But I won’t be able to do much.” 

Abby turned to him. “Come with us.” 

He sighed. “Abby, I can’t.” 

“Sure you can,” she said. “You can’t stay here.” 

“Abby, listen,” he said sternly. “I still don’t approve of what you’re doing. I can’t condone it. And I don’t think saving them was the right thing to do either but-” 

They were your friends too. Or did you forget that? 

“But they also aren’t our responsibility. I don’t like treason, Abby. But I also can’t sit by and watch innocent people get hurt, not when we are the ones trying to save them.” 

Abby smiled. “That’s why you’re still the best,” she said. She grabbed his face, kissing him square on the lips. Pulling away, she beamed. “You won’t regret this.” 

But Maurice wasn’t looking at her anymore. “I already do,” he said under his breath. Abby turned to see where he was looking, a very flustered Hoagie stood, mouth agape with flushed cheeks. 

“Ah!” He reacted when he noticed them look back. “I-I-I-I wasn’t. I mean, Sorry, I didn’t mean to, phew is it that time already? You guys just keep doin’ what you’re doin’-” He turned around, starting to leave. 

“Hoagie!” He froze. A strong hand spun him back around. “What the hell happened to your face?” 

“Oh, that,” Hoagie said weakly. “Well, you know how these parties go. Some guy is always offering punch.” 

Abby scowled, pulling his face to the side to get a better look. “Tch. Jeez. You can’t go five minutes without gettin’ in trouble, can you?” She lifted his hat off his head, throwing it back on forcefully. 

Maurice slipped his hands in his pockets, starting to walk away. 

“Maurice!” Hoagie noticed him go. 

“Maurice!” Abby called, taking a few steps after him. 

He turned to her one last time and smiled. “That hat looks good on you,” he said. Abby blushed. And with that, he disappeared. 

“M-Maurice! Wait! I-” Hoagie called, running next to Abby. He exhaled, realizing he had missed his chance, and stopped. “I wanted to thank him for saving us.” He looked at Abby, who was looking wistfully off at him. Panicked, he started to stammer. “A-A-Abigail! I...I’m sorry I totally interrupted your moment! I just wanted to say thank you to Maurice I didn’t realize you were...I mean...I thought, but...Please don’t be-” 

“Hoagie, relax,” Abby said, turning to him. “There’ll be other moments.” 

“A-are you sure?” 

“Hey!” Wally called from the ship. “What are you yakin’ about? We gotta go!” 

“You heard him,” Abby grabbed Hoagie’s arm, dragging him back to the ship. “Let’s go, Blabbermouth.” 

But when they got to the door, she noticed Hoagie continue to look back. “You think he’ll be okay?” 

Abby smiled. “You kiddin’? That’s the greatest Kids Next Door operative who ever lived.” She let go of his arm. “He’ll be just fine.” Suddenly, her face soured as she looked back at him. “You on the other hand...” she sneered, poking his nose with her finger. 

“What did I do?!” 

She groaned, walking away from him. “Just put some ice on it.” 

The S.L.I.N.G.S.H.O.T. was located right outside the planet’s atmosphere, monitored by what looked to be a satellite. Because their ship was small, they were able to get a significant head-start on the TND, sailing through the portal with ease. However, there was still a profound sense of relief amongst the crew as they drifted into the vast emptiness of space. 

Wally pursed his lips, confused. “Hey. Where’s the G:KND? Ain’t there supposed’ta be some kinda building at least?” 

“Maybe it’s hidden,” Kuki suggested. 

But Abby stared at them incredulously. “You think I took the ship exactly where they thought I was gonna take the ship? Are you crazy?” 

“So...we’re not in the center of the Universe?” Wally continued to assemble. 

“No, Fool,” Abby said. “We’re about one hundred and twenty hours away. I think...” 

“They could possibly be waiting there when we arrive though,” Hoagie said. “Are you sure you want to keep heading that direction?” 

“We’ll hide out here,” Abby decided. “If they’re gonna guard the base, there ain’t nothin’ we can do about it. But it’s unlikely they would.” She leaned back in her captain’s chair. “The whole reason we’re out here alone is cause they’re afraid of bein’ discovered. They would have tried to chase us out or capture the ship, but they wouldn’t risk gettin this close and bein’ taken by the G:KND. So we’re safe...for now.” 

Kuki sighed. “Oh man. I thought we were gonners for sure!” 

“I feel like I’ve been sayin’ that a lot since we started this mission,” Wally admitted. 

“I’m gonna put it on autopilot to the destination,” Abby said as she fiddled with the controls. 

“And the recommissioning module is still where I left it,” Hoagie said. “Except Henrietta ran off with the Spice, right?” 

Abby lowered her head in response. 

“So getting it fixed before we reach Nigel is probably out of the question. Now that they’re actually on our tail.” He sighed again. “Damn. I really thought we had something there.” 

“Spice?” Wally asked. “You mean this Spice?” Wally threw a bag up in the air as it landed in Abby’s hand. 

She shot up. “Wh-what? Wally! How did you-?” 

“Like I’d trust a candy hunter to give us a fair cut!” He exclaimed. “I clipped that right off the top and she didn’t even notice! You’re welcome!” 

Abby’s jaw hit the floor. “But how did you get it past the TND?!” 

Wally wore a wicked grin. “Oh. You don’t wanna know.” 

Abby looked down at the bag, which was small. Small enough for... She dropped it onto the floor, wiping her fingers on her palms in disgust. 

“It’s not a lot, but you think you could make it work, Dexter?” Wally asked. 

Hoagie pushed up his goggles by force of habit. “Worth a shot.” 

“Alright, Wally! You’re a hero!” Kuki cried, giving her boyfriend a hug. He picked her up, an even more lecherous expression appearing. 

Abby left the captain’s chair, stretching. “Abby’s beat,” she said. “I’m gonna go lie down for a bit.” 

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” Hoagie said. “What if-” 

“You were gonna put some ice on that face of yours,” Abby cut him off. “Hop to it, Bunny Rabbit.” She waved her hand in a shooing gesture. She disappeared down the hallway. 

Kuki started giggling uncontrollably as Wally growled evilly in her ear. “You don’t wanna know the things I’m gonna do to you...” 

Hoagie frowned. “I also do not want to know, thank you.” 

But Wally flipped Kuki over his back, laughing maniacally. “Don’t wait up for us! We may never see the light of day again! Muahahaha!” Kuki play-screamed, laughing as they also escaped the room, the opposite direction of Abby. 

“Hey! Don’t forget to use con-” They were gone. “-doms.” Hoagie rolled his eyes. “That’d be really con-dumb.” He giggled to himself for a minute before quickly silencing. He sighed. “See, Hoagie? This is why you’re alone,” mocked himself. The Cinnamon had fallen beneath the chair. He winced, picking it up delicately from the side of the bag. “This is my life now,” he continued to talk to himself. He gingerly brought his nose to the bag, barely taking a whiff. Immediately, he held it as far away as he could. “Ugh. Yep. That’s disgusting.” He supposed he should put it in a different container. There had to be something around here. With that, he exited the room to go to the kitchen. 

You said you wanted to live. That was your mistake.

This is what you get. 

Never had there been a quieter day. Though, it couldn't exactly be called a day by conventional standards. No sun rose or set. There was no turn of the axis, no counting of the moments. No day, and no night. There was simply the black continuation of the Universe. In the vastness of space, silence was all too common, but this silence was different. The emptiness filled the metal corridors, cool with the crisp over-oxygenated air. There was no explosion of celebration, no cry of relief. It was as though the events of the previous few hours had never transpired. Abby was glad. She knew that the silence meant that nothing was happening, that the screams had ended, that everything was going to be okay. She didn't have time to be bothered by it. For the first time in a while, she pulled out a magazine and began flipping through the pages. It was the only one salvaged from the many attacks. Her feet were propped up by the window, her mind subdued. She wasn't thinking about Maurice or the TND. Somehow, the overwhelming nothingness had taken hold of her. She felt nothing. She said nothing. And the nothing was a comfort to her. 

That is, until she heard a swift knock at the door. 

The door slid open as Hoagie, shrunk into his large body like a turtle, poked his head inside. Abby didn't look up at him. They had become so accustomed to each other by this point, she didn’t have to look to know when he was around. It was the way he walked, light and with a slide across the floor, as though worried his giant feet would shake the earth if he pressed on them too daringly. His breathing was sparse and frail. 

“Abigail?” he called quietly. Again, she did not acknowledge him with more than a nod. “I thought you should know that I found a container for the Spice,” he said. “Since the other one was...gross.” 

“Good.” 

Hoagie's expression started to dissipate, but he bit his tongue and widened his grin. “Okay good. Cool.” There was more silence as Hoagie hovered by the door. He didn’t do or say anything. Eventually, he started to slip out. “Yep,” he whispered. 

“You can come in.” 

Hoagie froze. “N-no. I don’t...I mean, this is your room.” 

It was, technically, Abby realized. “I won’t bite you.” 

Hoagie stepped further inside, hesitantly figuring out where to sit, or if to stand, maybe lean against the wall? Abby listened as he fidgeted around. She moved her feet without a word, offering him a spot at the end of the bed. Her eyes were still glued to her magazine. Hoagie sat, holding the plastic container with the spice in his hands. 

“Are you...okay?” 

"Of course," she said. Her bluntness must have thrown him off, because he was quiet for a long time. 

"It’s just after what happened-" 

"I’m fine." She flipped the page. 

"Are you sure?" 

"This sort of stuff happens all the time. You gotta be prepared for the worst when you’re goin’ against authority." 

“Oh. Okay,” he didn’t really have much he could say to that. “I really think the Cinnamon will help a lot,” he started. “Even if I can’t actually fix the recommissioning module in time, we might be able to find a temporary solution. It won’t be perfect but...” He sighed. “I don’t think we can afford to wait much longer. Who knows if Earth is even still there...” 

“It’s still there.” Flip. “If they wanted to blow it up, they would’a just done it.” 

“Oh.” Hoagie brushed his bangs back in a feminine manner. “Well, anyway, I’m actually kind of hopeful this time.” 

“Be careful.” 

Hoagie blinked. 

“Stuff’ll mess you up.” 

Hoagie jeered. “Psh. When am I not careful?” Abby didn’t react. He looked out the window. 

They sat there, not saying anything. The quiet had returned, but it was different now that Hoagie was there. His breathing made it impossible for it to be silent. Abby thumbed through the pages of her magazine. Hoagie inhaled, which was how Abby knew he was going to speak again. He always took a breath ten seconds before he spoke if he wanted to make a comment. What he said, though, surprised her. 

“Did you know galaxies eat each other?” 

Abby looked at him for the first time. His auburn hair was tussled beneath his hat, a pair of thick black glasses only holding a slight sheen over his eyes. She hadn't really looked at him since that night at the club, and even then, it was too dark to really see. Those eyes. Were they always so big? 

"What?" 

"Yeah. It's totally true. Like..." He gestured toward the window which was masked with stars. "The gravitational pull of one solar system or galaxy sometimes clashes with another one and they get sucked into each other. Smaller galaxies are eaten by larger ones and get absorbed into their own gravity until they become one bigger galaxy. If they're the same size, they can kind of feed into each other." He demonstrated with his hands. "They circle each other like they're in a dance or ritual so it's like they’re in some sort of tango. But it takes tens of millions of years to do this. I think it's kinda romantic..." he sat back.

“Romantic?” 

Hoagie blushed. “N-not romantic, romantic! Like...poetic. Even on a cosmic level, we’re still trying to eat each other. Which is nuts, huh?” 

Abby finally smiled genuinely. "Is that supposed to be a metaphor for somethin'?" 

"Huh?" Hoagie’s cheeks turned pinker than usual. "No. I just thought it was cool." 

Abby closed her magazine, looking out her window. “Yeah. It is cool.” 

"You know what else?" Hoagie said, starting to get excited. 

Abby shook her head, unable to stop the grin that was broadening on her face. "Hmm?" 

"From where we're sitting, most of the stars we see right now aren't actually single stars, but many star systems. They look like single specs of light, but they're not. They’re more like clusters." 

Abby tilted her head slightly. “Really?” Her eyes gazed out into the void. “Huh.” 

It was quiet for a long time. She was surprised. Usually Hoagie tried to fill the conversations with needless chatter, but they had gone almost two full minutes without saying anything to each other. 

“Hey, Hoagie...” Abby said. 

The boy seemed surprised that she said anything at all. 

“What do you wanna do with your life?” She didn’t look at him but continued staring out the window. 

Hoagie was puzzled. “I, uh,” he blew out some air. “That’s-” 

“You don’t have to answer. I was just wonderin’.” 

He thought about this before starting to answer. “I mean,” he tried. “Even before everything my options were pretty limited. It wasn’t like I could just go off and do whatever I wanted. Between Tommy, and our finances...my grades,” he emphasized the last part jokingly. 

Abby smirked. “Oh, sure.” 

Hoagie’s shoulders lifted as he inhaled deeply. “So yeah, I don’t know. I was still trying to figure that out.” 

“If you could do anything,” she asked more specifically. “Anything in the world. Totally free. What would you do?” 

“Oh, that’s easy, I would-” He stopped, rubbing his neck. A guilty smile appeared on his face as he looked down at his knees. “Uh...it’s kind of boring but-” 

Abby nudged him with her foot. “This is a dream, Boy. Don’t be givin’ me boring answers.” 

He chuckled. “Okay.” He looked up this time. “I would learn to fly, hop on a plane, and never come back.” He waited for some kind of response, but it didn’t come. “I’d only come down to refuel and to go places where nobody knew who I was. I would stay just long enough to get a sense of the area, then take off again. That would be my life. That. Forever.” 

“Alone?” 

His body twitched. He eyed Abby, who eyed him back, hugging her legs. She was listening, intently. “Well, yeah. That was always...” His nose flared as he looked into her curious eyes. He grinned. “Well, I’d meet a beautiful woman along the way. Obviously.” He went on cockily. “And we would go on adventures together and fight Pirates and Neo-Nazis. She’d be like a doctor or a mercenary, or maybe even a warrior princess from an undiscovered kingdom.” 

Abby rested her chin on her knees, her hair falling around her ears as she listened. Her smile and gentle eyes followed his gestures. “Neo-Nazis...” She teased him. 

“The new generation of Nazi-vampire-zombies, Abby. Duh.” 

“Oh, of course.” 

“For real, though? I'll probably join the Air Force like my Dad. But in dreams you get to be independently wealthy.” 

Abby laughed, looking down. “Still. That sounds nice.” She scooted herself around, moving to the edge of the bed. Her legs tucked beneath the frame as she gripped the mattress. “I should probably start thinking about...what I wanna do now.” Hoagie’s cheeks dropped. “It’s weird. I had my entire life planned out, every detail since I was five years old. My sister was in the Kids Next Door, and so was the guy I was in love with. So, to me it was obvious. Amazing how much life changes.” 

His brows lifted. “The guy you were in love with?” 

“Yeah, yeah,” she said. “Don’t get excited.” Her eyes danced nostalgically. “I followed the path I thought I was supposed to take. I devoted every waking moment I had to it. And then the opportunities kept comin’ so I kept goin’. I never saw myself as anything apart from that. So, I don’t know what I’m gonna do, now that I...” She couldn’t finish her sentence. “But flyin’ around the world...that ain’t a bad start.” 

“Abby. I’m-”

“It’s a nice dream,” she told him. “Thanks for sharin’ it.” 

They sat in silence again. 

"Hey. Check it out." She looked up as Hoagie held up the container. Carefully, he placed it on top of his head and grinned like a Cheshire cat. Abby just watched in confusion. "I'm a Cinnamon roll!" 

It took a while before the joke settled in her mind. Her lips began to tremble, he nose flaring as the air in her lungs tightened. She couldn't hold it in any longer as she puffed out all of her air, quickly inhaling as she started to giggle. Her giggle turned into a chortle as she leaned over her legs, trying to keep herself together. Hoagie smiled at her with a mix of joy and concern. Abby clutched her stomach, which was twisting. Her guffaws got bigger and bigger, her body forgetting how to breathe. After quite a few seconds of this, she finally was able to spew out words. "Oh. My. God. That was...the worst..." She shook her head. "The worst joke you ever made...like ever..." 

“Hey.” Hoagie pouted but she kept laughing. "Come on. The worst one?" 

But Abby didn't hear him. "Oh man." She howled. "That was bad, Numbuh 2...worse than that bunny joke..." She slapped her hand against her forehead. "So lame...you're so..." Her hands moved from her face, clutching her legs. Her lungs were about to burst. She leaned over herself again. The sides of her mouth hurt from the smiling. They started to flinch, but her laughing didn't stop. Her eyes blurred, something wet and sticky accumulating in them. Her throat snapped shut, only opening for breath every ten seconds or so. She pushed out the last few laughs she had in her, the corners of her lips twitching. Before she knew it, she couldn't see out of her eyes anymore. Everything was a blurry mess. Hot salty tears were streaming down her face, but she couldn't register that she wasn't laughing anymore. Her hands shook, squeezing her legs, her shoulders caving in on her body as though they would protect her. She couldn't stop. 

Suddenly, she realized what was happening. She tried to wipe her tears away, frantically rubbing her eyes with the palms of her hands. The tears kept flowing. She turned away from him. They still wouldn’t stop. Finally, she stood to her feet. 

She only took one step before a hand gently grabbed hers. It was so big that it almost engulfed her fingers. Hoagie was half standing, half sitting. With care, he ushered her back down onto the bed. Abby didn’t look at him the whole time. Her hands slammed themselves over her eyes, holding them, hiding them. However, they were tenderly taken away and set down on her lap. 

Abby's knees buckled as everything fell on top of her. Her strong face melted instantly. She sniffled, feeling the tears coming on again. She didn't try to stop them. There was no point. 

“I’ll, uh...” Hoagie stammered. “I can leave if you’d rather be alone.” 

Two desperate hands reached forward, grabbing his shirt and pulling as hard as they could. Abby stuffed her face into his chest, feeling the stiff rise and fall of it. His body was rigid, unsure of what to do. Snot ran down from her nose, the mucus stinging her eyes. She opened her mouth wide, as though gasping for breath would give her more air, but when she gasped, she just choked out more sobs. Her hands tightened, unable to find the release. Then finally, a barreling scream flew out of her throat. It was followed by more silence, but she continued the scream even then. This repeated until her throat grew sore. Each one vomited out of her uncontrollably, her stomach lurching and twisting as it became one with her lungs. She cried into him like a pillow, grabbing tighter and tighter. The tighter she gripped, the more she felt him slip out of her fingers. Though her hands were calloused and rough, in her mind they were weak and delicate. She kept repositioning them, trying to find her grip. 

Hoagie hesitantly put his hands on her shoulders. He couldn't say it was okay, because it wasn't. He couldn't say it was going to be okay, because there was no way to know. So he didn't say anything. Abby slipped further and further down, burying her face deeper. 

Every once in a while, she stopped crying and found herself smiling, enjoying the warmth and comfort of the moment. But that warmth was followed by stinging reality, the brevity of mortality, and the fact that those warm hands could become cold. That stiff body could grow limp. That rising heartbeat could dim to nothing. The silence of space settled into her mind. Lightyears of emptiness, filled with light and matter, but no breathing. When she thought about that, she couldn't stop herself from falling apart all over again. 

Hoagie didn't speak. He didn't move. He finally understood. 

He was a jerk. 

He let her cry, watching as she broke down and built back up over and over again, and yet he couldn't say anything. What could he do? He knew more than anyone what it was like to have your entire world shattered in a single moment. It happened when his father died. It happened when they took Tommy. His eyes caught onto the plastic container. 

What could he do? 

When Abby finally stopped crying, she didn't pull away from him. He didn't pull away from her. A quiet resolve passed over her. 

Hoagie P. Gilligan Jr. walked straight into his room, the container of Cinnamon Spice in hand, shutting the door behind him. 

And 72 hours later, still had not come out. 

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DO NOT READ PAST THIS POINT  
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THE G:KND WILL PUNISH ALL TRAITORS.

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**Author's Note:**

> WARNING: READ PART ONE FIRST 
> 
> This story contains trigger warnings that will be placed at the beginnings of chapters, the content of which will be presented at the end of the chapter. Please head the chapter warnings. They are organized this way to avoid spoilers but still provide the warnings for those who need/prefer them and to warn people who may be triggered of the oncoming content. There is a general warning at the beginning of each section, however it does not cover the specific content that will be explored. Not all trigger warnings are listed as options in the AO3 Archive Warnings tag. Providing these specific warnings helps me give my readers a safe environment to read what they want and skip what they want, without having to necessarily skip the entire experience. This will become more necessary as chapters go on. 
> 
> Please be respectful of others in the comments in regard to spoilers if you choose to discuss anything :) 
> 
> Thanks for reading! 
> 
> (IMPORTANT EDIT:) The following content is not meant to directly represent any real life current events or issues.


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